I was thinking last night about something Fr. Greg said to me on the phone last week. He said, "You could've given up on God but you haven't." I was thinking about it and I was wondering how in the world I still have my faith after 2 years of being an addict and all the shit that seems to happen to me. When Kim Walker sings the song "How He Loves" she says something in the middle of the live performance. She says,"The love of God changes us and we're never the same. We're never the same after we encounter the love of God." I completely agree with that. When I was 15 and God busted into my life and completely turned everything upside down, I was never the same person ever again. From then on, I lived my life for Christ. For 3 years, I was in what St. John of the Cross called a "dark night of the soul" which can basically be described as spiritual dryness. All through that time, I longed for God. I would cry because I wanted to know God was around me. God did something in me that cold night in March 2006. He changed my heart forever. He knew I was going to go though all this shit in college, so sometime before I started college, He gave me some sort of grace to not quit on Him. I didn't really realize that until Fr. Greg brought it up. God put such a yearning in my soul for Him that I up and left everything I knew to go to a school 4 hours from home where I had 2 acquaintances. I knew that going to Franciscan was the only way I could ever try to fix my relationship with God. Franciscan soon became home and my friends quickly became family. Over the last year, God has consistently done amazing things to help me and it's all by His grace I'm still here and haven't given up on Him. I haven't given up on God and He hasn't given up on me. I'm living my life Ad Majorem Dei gloraim (For the greater glory of God).
"We are not defeated unless we give up on God." -Ronald Reagan
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
"Come Home" - Luminate
You’re best friends with the word “regret”
And you’re afraid that your life’s been wasted
So why hope if it’s only gonna let you down?
You don’t think people really change
And you’re a mess and you’ll always be the same
And you doubt if you’ll ever get it turned around
And you’re afraid that your life’s been wasted
So why hope if it’s only gonna let you down?
You don’t think people really change
And you’re a mess and you’ll always be the same
And you doubt if you’ll ever get it turned around
So you’ve been running, searching for something
But you’re looking in a place you don’t belong
But it’s never too late, you can’t outrun grace
No, mercy doesn’t care what you’ve done
So come home. So come home
But you’re looking in a place you don’t belong
But it’s never too late, you can’t outrun grace
No, mercy doesn’t care what you’ve done
So come home. So come home
You can try and fix your broken empire
And put bricks on a cracked foundation
But you’d be building castles on the sand
There’s power in the Blood of Jesus
And your Father’s screaming , "Just come home”
And He’s reaching out His hand
And put bricks on a cracked foundation
But you’d be building castles on the sand
There’s power in the Blood of Jesus
And your Father’s screaming , "Just come home”
And He’s reaching out His hand
I know you’ve been running, searching for something
But you’re looking in a place you don’t belong
But it’s never too late, you can’t outrun grace
No, mercy doesn’t care what you’ve done
So come home. So come home.
But you’re looking in a place you don’t belong
But it’s never too late, you can’t outrun grace
No, mercy doesn’t care what you’ve done
So come home. So come home.
From the shadows, from the wrong roads,
From the darkness, from the unknown,
To redemption, something beautiful,
To a new love, to a new home.
From the darkness, from the unknown,
To redemption, something beautiful,
To a new love, to a new home.
I know you’ve been running, searching for something
But you’re looking in a place you don’t belong
But it’s never too late, you can’t outrun grace
No, mercy doesn’t care what you’ve done
So come home. So come home.
But you’re looking in a place you don’t belong
But it’s never too late, you can’t outrun grace
No, mercy doesn’t care what you’ve done
So come home. So come home.
Friday, December 24, 2010
"I'm Amazed At How You Keep Fighting"
Last night, I had quite the talk on the phone with Fr. Greg. We talked for an hour and a half and it was actually really incredible (not that any of our conversations aren't awesome). It started out with me ranting for like 20 minutes, just letting him know EVERYTHING: the crap here at home, the stuff at my parish, etc. It was nice just to have someone listen. He didn't say a word, which was kinda what I needed. I have this thing where I just internalize things, so then they sit inside and just eat at me. He was like "First of all, I'm really sorry about the priest at your church. That's gotta suck. But, I have to ask you something I've only asked you once before. Do you want to live?" I was silent for a minute and with brutal honestly said, "Not at this point. The only thing keeping me going is the fact that Austria is 3 weeks away." I could tell in his voice that I'd broken his heart. We talked some more and then he said, "I think I finally know where to start with all this stuff. You have issues receiving love, don't you?" I told him that yes, I definitely do. He then expanded on that and we figured some more stuff out.
I was in my car for like 45 minutes when I started to drive home. Right as I pulled into my driveway, he said, "Catherine. You have no idea how much I respect you. You've been dealing with this shit for over 2 years now and you're still here. You're constantly turning to God and I'm absolutely amazed at how you keep fighting. I have more respect for you than you'll ever understand. I respect you more than anyone I know. When you reach out to me for help, you're reaching out to Christ. Catherine, that's incredible. I wish the students here would reach out to me like you do. But most people don't want to get messy. You're willing to get messy because you know that's what you gotta do." I know every word he said to me was genuine. I can tell when people try to bullshit me. He definitely was genuine. So, I started crying. No one had ever told me that before and it opened my eyes. People have let me down over and over and over again. I know that the only person I can count on to NEVER let me down in God. We also talked about how in the Gospels, Jesus hangs out with sinners...like me. Jesus did the messy stuff and I keep dealing with the messy stuff, therefore, Christ is right there with me. It's hard for me to put it in exact words because he said it way better than I ever could. Trust me, it changed my perspective on God a lot, which is crazy. I've never had anyone really explain God to me like that. Now that he did, I realize that God really does love me. Fr. Greg also explained to me why he's never going to quit on me and he's never going to leave. Now, I know for sure that he's not going to quit on me.
We also talked about the religious pride at Franciscan. Oh man, there are definitely some totally fake people there. There are also some extremely legit people. He was saying how the person from there he knows (besides me. lol) is full of religious pride and doesn't dig down deep and get dirty. He said that I amaze him because I do. I'm constantly struggling, but turn to God in that struggle. I explained to Fr. Greg that God's pretty much the only option I've got left because nothing else has worked. He said it's amazing though that I constantly reach out to God because I could have quit on God a long time ago. He said that I could have quit on life a long time ago, but here I am, still fighting for my life. He said he thought that was incredible.
One thing he said to me that hit me really hard was that in the text I sent him 2 nights ago saying that he didn't have to deal with me anymore, he got pretty scared and thought that might be the end of me. I told him that I thought it might have been. He said he was so relieved to get a text from me yesterday afternoon. He knew I was still alive. I told him that God wouldn't let me cut more than I did. I could have done way more damage than I did. I also told him that it's only by the grace of God I'm alive at all. If God wasn't constantly working in my life, keeping me going, I wouldn't be here. I can say that with 100% confidence. Fr. Greg asked me to hang on for the next 3 weeks until I leave for Austria, and I promised him I would do my best.
So, this definitely isn't all we talked about, but it was a really fruitful conversation, as it almost always is. I praise the Lord for Fr. Greg. He doesn't know this, but I would've killed myself a long time ago if God hadn't brought him into my life.
With the whole suicide thoughts thing, I know they are there and they definitely sound more serious than they are. I know that suicide thoughts are very serious and cannot be taken lightly. They are there and sometimes I want to go through with it, but I don't have a plan and I'm NOT going to do it. I am going to the doctor next week to hopefully get those taken care of. I think it's one of the medications I'm on. Fr. Greg has been one of the main reasons I've held on. I wouldn't want him to find out that I'd done something stupid through Facebook or a random phone call. I would never want him to think that all he did for me wasn't enough. It's kept me alive for the past 2 years because of how much God works through him.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." -Maria Robinson
I was in my car for like 45 minutes when I started to drive home. Right as I pulled into my driveway, he said, "Catherine. You have no idea how much I respect you. You've been dealing with this shit for over 2 years now and you're still here. You're constantly turning to God and I'm absolutely amazed at how you keep fighting. I have more respect for you than you'll ever understand. I respect you more than anyone I know. When you reach out to me for help, you're reaching out to Christ. Catherine, that's incredible. I wish the students here would reach out to me like you do. But most people don't want to get messy. You're willing to get messy because you know that's what you gotta do." I know every word he said to me was genuine. I can tell when people try to bullshit me. He definitely was genuine. So, I started crying. No one had ever told me that before and it opened my eyes. People have let me down over and over and over again. I know that the only person I can count on to NEVER let me down in God. We also talked about how in the Gospels, Jesus hangs out with sinners...like me. Jesus did the messy stuff and I keep dealing with the messy stuff, therefore, Christ is right there with me. It's hard for me to put it in exact words because he said it way better than I ever could. Trust me, it changed my perspective on God a lot, which is crazy. I've never had anyone really explain God to me like that. Now that he did, I realize that God really does love me. Fr. Greg also explained to me why he's never going to quit on me and he's never going to leave. Now, I know for sure that he's not going to quit on me.
We also talked about the religious pride at Franciscan. Oh man, there are definitely some totally fake people there. There are also some extremely legit people. He was saying how the person from there he knows (besides me. lol) is full of religious pride and doesn't dig down deep and get dirty. He said that I amaze him because I do. I'm constantly struggling, but turn to God in that struggle. I explained to Fr. Greg that God's pretty much the only option I've got left because nothing else has worked. He said it's amazing though that I constantly reach out to God because I could have quit on God a long time ago. He said that I could have quit on life a long time ago, but here I am, still fighting for my life. He said he thought that was incredible.
One thing he said to me that hit me really hard was that in the text I sent him 2 nights ago saying that he didn't have to deal with me anymore, he got pretty scared and thought that might be the end of me. I told him that I thought it might have been. He said he was so relieved to get a text from me yesterday afternoon. He knew I was still alive. I told him that God wouldn't let me cut more than I did. I could have done way more damage than I did. I also told him that it's only by the grace of God I'm alive at all. If God wasn't constantly working in my life, keeping me going, I wouldn't be here. I can say that with 100% confidence. Fr. Greg asked me to hang on for the next 3 weeks until I leave for Austria, and I promised him I would do my best.
So, this definitely isn't all we talked about, but it was a really fruitful conversation, as it almost always is. I praise the Lord for Fr. Greg. He doesn't know this, but I would've killed myself a long time ago if God hadn't brought him into my life.
With the whole suicide thoughts thing, I know they are there and they definitely sound more serious than they are. I know that suicide thoughts are very serious and cannot be taken lightly. They are there and sometimes I want to go through with it, but I don't have a plan and I'm NOT going to do it. I am going to the doctor next week to hopefully get those taken care of. I think it's one of the medications I'm on. Fr. Greg has been one of the main reasons I've held on. I wouldn't want him to find out that I'd done something stupid through Facebook or a random phone call. I would never want him to think that all he did for me wasn't enough. It's kept me alive for the past 2 years because of how much God works through him.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." -Maria Robinson
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Getting Up and Continuing My Journey
I cut last night. I'd just had enough. All this stuff at my church has really gotten to me, my mom was very unappreciative after I made dinner the last 2 nights (a simple thank you would've been enough), and in general, coming home is always hard. Last night, I stumbled upon the blades I'd asked my dad to move. It was a STUPID move, but I couldn't resist the temptation and grabbed one. I'm gonna get kinda graphic here because I said I'd always be honest on here: First I cut on my upper arm so no one could see it because I have this habit of pulling up my long sleeves. I made one long cut on my upper arm and then some words came to mind (Over the summer, I cut the word "liar" into my leg after a fight with someone, so that's kinda where the idea came from). Because I was feeling like such a screw up, I cut the words "F**k up" in smaller letters into my upper arm. Then, I cut the word "unlovable" into my leg. I know both of those things are lies, but last night, the devil made them sound like complete truths.
One MAJOR problem is that home doesn't feel like home anymore. I'd lived in Steubenville for almost an entire year until now. Steubenville quickly became home and my incredible friends became my family. I miss my friends like you wouldn't even believe. When I used to come home, my parish would feel more like home, but with all this stuff with the priest, even church doesn't feel like home anymore. So, it's been really hard.
After I cut last night, I texted Fr. Greg, telling him I'd cut, apologizing for being such a screw up and him having to put up with me for the last 2 years and that he doesn't have to put up with me anymore. I was pretty much expecting him to quit on me, so to make it hurt less for me when he did give up on me, is why I told him he didn't have to put up with me. He responded with some ridiculous jokes like he always does when he can tell I'm really down. It kinda showed me that he's willing to keep putting up with me. His joking around definitely took my mind off of it and I was able to sleep. Today, I looked at what I'd done and realized the words I carved into my body are lies. Once the cuts heal, I'm praying that God heals my heart from believing those lies. I definitely regret cutting, but still, I have to keep my head up and keep going. I've only cut 3 or 4 times in the last 5 months. I'm still getting better. I fell, like Jesus did on the way to His crucifixion, so just like He got up, I'm getting up and continuing my journey.
Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas. God humbled Himself and became one of us. What an incredible gift!
One MAJOR problem is that home doesn't feel like home anymore. I'd lived in Steubenville for almost an entire year until now. Steubenville quickly became home and my incredible friends became my family. I miss my friends like you wouldn't even believe. When I used to come home, my parish would feel more like home, but with all this stuff with the priest, even church doesn't feel like home anymore. So, it's been really hard.
After I cut last night, I texted Fr. Greg, telling him I'd cut, apologizing for being such a screw up and him having to put up with me for the last 2 years and that he doesn't have to put up with me anymore. I was pretty much expecting him to quit on me, so to make it hurt less for me when he did give up on me, is why I told him he didn't have to put up with me. He responded with some ridiculous jokes like he always does when he can tell I'm really down. It kinda showed me that he's willing to keep putting up with me. His joking around definitely took my mind off of it and I was able to sleep. Today, I looked at what I'd done and realized the words I carved into my body are lies. Once the cuts heal, I'm praying that God heals my heart from believing those lies. I definitely regret cutting, but still, I have to keep my head up and keep going. I've only cut 3 or 4 times in the last 5 months. I'm still getting better. I fell, like Jesus did on the way to His crucifixion, so just like He got up, I'm getting up and continuing my journey.
Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas. God humbled Himself and became one of us. What an incredible gift!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
We Have a Choice
This is part of the homily that Deacon Dave (a really good friend of my family) gave at Mass this morning. It was seriously one of the best homilies I've heard in a long time. It really seemed to kinda fit with what's gone down in my parish the last few days. Here's where it hit for me.
"When life throws the most drastic and unexpected things at you...And when that happens, good plans have to be dropped because God has another plan in mind. And suddenly, we have a choice. We can be angry and give up on God and everyone and everything else. Or we can ask ourselves, “Where is God in all of this? The truth is that God often asks much of us; He can make big demands...In ways that we cannot understand, God manages to work through human beings and human events. And if you put your trust in God, something good can come from what seems like a complete mess. God does not walk out of what happens; He stays engaged. And even when our worlds turn upside down and we reach a dead end, God is still doing a very good thing for us."
Deacon David Shea
December 19, 2010
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At the end of Deacon Dave's homily, our pastor addressed the issue about the parochial vicar. It was really hard to hear. A lot of people were crying, including me. It was like I just didn't want to hear about it anymore. Fr. Tom talking about it just made it more real. I guess a part of me was really hoping it wasn't true. I didn't sleep last night, but the good thing is that I didn't cut. Partly because of what Fr. Greg texted me last night, but also because I just didn't want to go back to that. I know it would've helped for like 5 minutes then made my life a living hell for who knows how long. I didn't want that and I sure as hell couldn't handle more pain right now. I decided it wasn't worth it.
I know I can't be angry at God for this stuff with the priest at my church, but I can't help but wonder what the heck went through the priest's head. If this had happened before Fr. Greg and Fr. Rick had come into my life, I would have NEVER trusted a priest again. Maybe this is one reason God brought them into my life: to be a support system when I felt completely betrayed. I'm thanking God for Fr. Greg and Fr. Rick because both of them have proved to me that they can be trusted. So far through this, Fr. Greg has been my support system as well as a few people at my church. Today, I had 2 people talk to me about it. One was a guy I know from just being at daily Mass so much. He looked at me and asked how I was. I said "As good as I can be." He knows that this priest was my spiritual director and that I would've probably taken it really hard. One of our family friends came up to me after Mass and said, "When I read that letter, I immediately thought of you and how this would affect you." Through my tears, I told her that it hurt pretty bad. It's amazing how supportive people are.
This is a verse from the Book of Psalms this morning that seems pretty appropriate: "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust man..." -Psalm 118:8
"When life throws the most drastic and unexpected things at you...And when that happens, good plans have to be dropped because God has another plan in mind. And suddenly, we have a choice. We can be angry and give up on God and everyone and everything else. Or we can ask ourselves, “Where is God in all of this? The truth is that God often asks much of us; He can make big demands...In ways that we cannot understand, God manages to work through human beings and human events. And if you put your trust in God, something good can come from what seems like a complete mess. God does not walk out of what happens; He stays engaged. And even when our worlds turn upside down and we reach a dead end, God is still doing a very good thing for us."
Deacon David Shea
December 19, 2010
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At the end of Deacon Dave's homily, our pastor addressed the issue about the parochial vicar. It was really hard to hear. A lot of people were crying, including me. It was like I just didn't want to hear about it anymore. Fr. Tom talking about it just made it more real. I guess a part of me was really hoping it wasn't true. I didn't sleep last night, but the good thing is that I didn't cut. Partly because of what Fr. Greg texted me last night, but also because I just didn't want to go back to that. I know it would've helped for like 5 minutes then made my life a living hell for who knows how long. I didn't want that and I sure as hell couldn't handle more pain right now. I decided it wasn't worth it.
I know I can't be angry at God for this stuff with the priest at my church, but I can't help but wonder what the heck went through the priest's head. If this had happened before Fr. Greg and Fr. Rick had come into my life, I would have NEVER trusted a priest again. Maybe this is one reason God brought them into my life: to be a support system when I felt completely betrayed. I'm thanking God for Fr. Greg and Fr. Rick because both of them have proved to me that they can be trusted. So far through this, Fr. Greg has been my support system as well as a few people at my church. Today, I had 2 people talk to me about it. One was a guy I know from just being at daily Mass so much. He looked at me and asked how I was. I said "As good as I can be." He knows that this priest was my spiritual director and that I would've probably taken it really hard. One of our family friends came up to me after Mass and said, "When I read that letter, I immediately thought of you and how this would affect you." Through my tears, I told her that it hurt pretty bad. It's amazing how supportive people are.
This is a verse from the Book of Psalms this morning that seems pretty appropriate: "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust man..." -Psalm 118:8
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Feeling A Little Betrayed
Today in the mail, my family got a letter in the mail from the pastor of our church. It said that the parochial vicar (who helped me the summer after my freshman year at Xavier and has taken my blades on multiple occasions) has been put on a leave of absence effective immediately. It said that he had an inappropriate relationship with a female parishioner. I'm kinda numb to all of this right now because I'm having a really hard time processing it. This is one of those things you never think could happen to you. I know he's only human and we all screw up. It's just hard for me to believe he could do this. He was a HUGE help to me and honestly, it makes me really disappointed to know that he did this.
One thing that I'm trying to deal with is the fact that I saw him at Mass just on Wednesday and it makes me wonder how in the world he could celebrate Mass with that on his mind. I wonder how long this relationship took place and how many times I received the Eucharist from him. I have lost no respect for him, don't get me wrong. He is a priest who should still be respected. I'm just disappointed, you know? When I read the letter, it felt like my heart dropped into my stomach. It's making me question everything, although it really shouldn't. He was able to help me a lot, but I can't help but wonder. It just hurt. He promised he'd be there for me no matter what, and now he can't be. I feel kinda betrayed.
With all this crap, I just want to cut. I texted Fr. Greg about it and he was like "Two wrongs don't make a right...the hurt you feel tonight will be, at least, DOUBLE tomorrow, if you cut tonight." I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have him to help me keep things in perspective.
Please pray for the priest involved and my parish as we try to deal with this. Thank you.
One thing that I'm trying to deal with is the fact that I saw him at Mass just on Wednesday and it makes me wonder how in the world he could celebrate Mass with that on his mind. I wonder how long this relationship took place and how many times I received the Eucharist from him. I have lost no respect for him, don't get me wrong. He is a priest who should still be respected. I'm just disappointed, you know? When I read the letter, it felt like my heart dropped into my stomach. It's making me question everything, although it really shouldn't. He was able to help me a lot, but I can't help but wonder. It just hurt. He promised he'd be there for me no matter what, and now he can't be. I feel kinda betrayed.
With all this crap, I just want to cut. I texted Fr. Greg about it and he was like "Two wrongs don't make a right...the hurt you feel tonight will be, at least, DOUBLE tomorrow, if you cut tonight." I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have him to help me keep things in perspective.
Please pray for the priest involved and my parish as we try to deal with this. Thank you.
Friday, December 17, 2010
By His Wounds
This is Fr. Greg's blog from today. I sent him an e-mail just last night letting him know about the 60-day program and how it might help some of the students at George Washington University if they're struggling with an addiction.
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I've been working with a college student (not at GW) for a couple of years who is trying to overcome an addiction to cutting. She has struggled mightily to get help, even with a very strong Catholic spiritual life and seeing multiple counselors in a short amount of time. She just emailed me this week; hopefully there's been a breakthrough! I post the email anonymously here in case, as she writes, it might help any of our students with addictions. There's also a link to the program's website to check out.
"I just wanted to share with you what I'm doing right now. I saw a counselor right before finals week and he recommended that I give a 60-day online program a shot because I don't have time to go to St. Louis to the inpatient hospital for cutters. This program is through Setting Captives Free and it's called "By His Wounds." It's Scripture-based and it's incredible. It's all about changing my perspective on cutting. It's really working. It's REALLY hard, don't get me wrong. It's opened a lot of wounds that haven't healed correctly and it definitely hurts, a lot, but I know that if I get through all 60 days, I won't ever cut again.
I just finished day 12 and it's definitely getting harder as I go, but I'm determined to fix this once and for all. These lessons are completely changing my perspective on cutting. I know my cutting hurt God, but I'm seeing more how it damaged my relationship with Him because I wanted to be in control. It's all that letting go and letting God thing. I know I can't fix this myself. I've tried a billion times, as you know all too well. If I can stop cutting once and for all, I know that whatever I set my heart on, I can do. I really am all in this time. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have started this program and I sure wouldn't have continued doing it. I've only cut twice in the last 5 months, which is a HUGE improvement on what it used to be. I'm still taking life one day at a time.
I quit counting days and I'm just going with the month by month thing. It's making it a little less overwhelming and I don't think everyday about how long it's been. Like I texted you, as miserable as I am right now, something won't let me cut and something won't let me quit all together. So, here I am. I'm taking all my crap and putting it at the foot of the cross because it's too much for a 20-year-old kid to deal with. God's gotta take over.
Here's the link to the site. You should check it out. It might help any of the students you know who are struggling with addictions because there are programs dealing with stuff like sexual impurity to gambling to self-injury.
http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/courses/his-wounds/
So if you could pray that I have the strength to get through this program, that'd be awesome."
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One thing that I've believed since I met Fr. Greg is that if I can help just one person because of my struggle, it is completely worth it. I pray that someone who reads Fr. Greg's blog will check out the site and try the program. It really is an absolutely incredible program with a HUGE success rate. Glory to God!
By the way, the virtue of hope has been stalking me like crazy lately. I love it! I know I can do this!
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I've been working with a college student (not at GW) for a couple of years who is trying to overcome an addiction to cutting. She has struggled mightily to get help, even with a very strong Catholic spiritual life and seeing multiple counselors in a short amount of time. She just emailed me this week; hopefully there's been a breakthrough! I post the email anonymously here in case, as she writes, it might help any of our students with addictions. There's also a link to the program's website to check out.
"I just wanted to share with you what I'm doing right now. I saw a counselor right before finals week and he recommended that I give a 60-day online program a shot because I don't have time to go to St. Louis to the inpatient hospital for cutters. This program is through Setting Captives Free and it's called "By His Wounds." It's Scripture-based and it's incredible. It's all about changing my perspective on cutting. It's really working. It's REALLY hard, don't get me wrong. It's opened a lot of wounds that haven't healed correctly and it definitely hurts, a lot, but I know that if I get through all 60 days, I won't ever cut again.
I just finished day 12 and it's definitely getting harder as I go, but I'm determined to fix this once and for all. These lessons are completely changing my perspective on cutting. I know my cutting hurt God, but I'm seeing more how it damaged my relationship with Him because I wanted to be in control. It's all that letting go and letting God thing. I know I can't fix this myself. I've tried a billion times, as you know all too well. If I can stop cutting once and for all, I know that whatever I set my heart on, I can do. I really am all in this time. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have started this program and I sure wouldn't have continued doing it. I've only cut twice in the last 5 months, which is a HUGE improvement on what it used to be. I'm still taking life one day at a time.
I quit counting days and I'm just going with the month by month thing. It's making it a little less overwhelming and I don't think everyday about how long it's been. Like I texted you, as miserable as I am right now, something won't let me cut and something won't let me quit all together. So, here I am. I'm taking all my crap and putting it at the foot of the cross because it's too much for a 20-year-old kid to deal with. God's gotta take over.
Here's the link to the site. You should check it out. It might help any of the students you know who are struggling with addictions because there are programs dealing with stuff like sexual impurity to gambling to self-injury.
http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/courses/his-wounds/
So if you could pray that I have the strength to get through this program, that'd be awesome."
---
One thing that I've believed since I met Fr. Greg is that if I can help just one person because of my struggle, it is completely worth it. I pray that someone who reads Fr. Greg's blog will check out the site and try the program. It really is an absolutely incredible program with a HUGE success rate. Glory to God!
By the way, the virtue of hope has been stalking me like crazy lately. I love it! I know I can do this!
“Hope is the power that gives us the power to step out and try.” -Author Unknown
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Our Hearts Are Restless
St. Augustine said, "You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in You." This quote is SO relevant to my life. I am constantly restless when it comes to my relationship with God. It's definitely become WAY better since transferring to Franciscan, but between halfway through my junior year of high school and until I arrived at Franciscan, I was so horribly restless, I couldn't see God working in my life. I was in a dark night of the soul, first brought up by St. John of the Cross (whose feast day was yesterday, btw). But in being so completely restless and not seeing God in my life shows me now that I know with my entire being that God truly does exist. He touched my life when I was a sophomore in high school and from then on, I was never the same. I constantly am seeking Christ and want to get to know Him more.
This song was written by Catholic singers Audrey Assad and Matt Maher. I've been blessed to have met Matt 4 times and Audrey twice. This song is based off the quote by St. Augustine and is one of my favorite songs by Audrey.
You dwell in the songs that we are singing
Rising to the Heavens, rising to Your heart, Your heart
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between and frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart
And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You
Oh, speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark
'Cause I know You're more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
You are the keeper of my heart
And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I wanna rest in You
Still my heart hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry
Still my heart hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry
And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, let me rest in You
I'm restless, so restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I will rest in You
This song was written by Catholic singers Audrey Assad and Matt Maher. I've been blessed to have met Matt 4 times and Audrey twice. This song is based off the quote by St. Augustine and is one of my favorite songs by Audrey.
You dwell in the songs that we are singing
Rising to the Heavens, rising to Your heart, Your heart
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between and frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart
And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You
Oh, speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark
'Cause I know You're more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
You are the keeper of my heart
And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I wanna rest in You
Still my heart hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry
Still my heart hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry
And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, let me rest in You
I'm restless, so restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I will rest in You
Monday, December 13, 2010
Because of Who You Are, Inside
I was so ready to cut tonight. Like, looking for a blade close. I decided that I was going to try one more thing to distract myself. So, I found the box of notes my friend Martha put together for me for my birthday (we call it the love box. lol). I opened it and read all of the notes inside. They all reminded me of how loved I am and how much joy I bring to people. The last thing I read was a poem written by my dear friend Joe. I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I shared it with you.
"Know One" by Joe F.
The skies are opened
and the light has broken
and I am seeing,
O God I am seeing
so much is unloved
Freedom breathed spoken words
Silence chained voices never heard
the soft cry, the chilling awe
When doors swung through your heart
and beauty grasped the child you are
and held you with its arms
no longer hurt, no longer silenced
no longer far
from Him
You can never forget and you can never erase
But you can walk forward from the past you have faced
Who you are and who you've become
is something so much fuller than when you first begun
Life is feeble
Memory is short
But nothing will be shared by no one
everything will be filled with knowing the One.
Dawn will break and rain will fall
Darkness will tumble and loneliness will bawl
Joy will open its arms and love will embrace
Because beauty is more than what we can see
It's evident, so evident in your eyes
Because of who you are
Inside.
---
Rereading Joe's poem tonight kept me from cutting. I've only cut twice in the last 5 months...that's freakin huge. I used to cut DAILY. That's 2 times in almost 160 days. I'm not letting the devil have me. I'm God's.
Be strong and courageous...do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. -Joshua 1:9
"Know One" by Joe F.
The skies are opened
and the light has broken
and I am seeing,
O God I am seeing
so much is unloved
Freedom breathed spoken words
Silence chained voices never heard
the soft cry, the chilling awe
When doors swung through your heart
and beauty grasped the child you are
and held you with its arms
no longer hurt, no longer silenced
no longer far
from Him
You can never forget and you can never erase
But you can walk forward from the past you have faced
Who you are and who you've become
is something so much fuller than when you first begun
Life is feeble
Memory is short
But nothing will be shared by no one
everything will be filled with knowing the One.
Dawn will break and rain will fall
Darkness will tumble and loneliness will bawl
Joy will open its arms and love will embrace
Because beauty is more than what we can see
It's evident, so evident in your eyes
Because of who you are
Inside.
---
Rereading Joe's poem tonight kept me from cutting. I've only cut twice in the last 5 months...that's freakin huge. I used to cut DAILY. That's 2 times in almost 160 days. I'm not letting the devil have me. I'm God's.
Be strong and courageous...do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. -Joshua 1:9
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
God Help Me In This Fight
At the recommendation of both Joe (my counselor) and my friend Nicki, I am currently participating in an online 60-day program for cutters. It's called "By His Wounds" and it's sponsored by the Christian organization Setting Captives Free. By His Wounds takes a biblical prospective on the cutting and emphasizes how Christ is the only way to be truly free. I just finished day 4. Here was something that was on today's section and it hit hard, and I mean HARD.
The feelings start surrounding me, the light of hope starts to dim
A tremor crawls up my body, I look down at my limbs
Scars of the past and places untouched, a visual echo of my heart
Not knowing where one ends and one begins, you can't tell them apart.
Past mistakes have left my heart feeling abused and alone
And now in the midst of blood and tears my weaknesses are shown.
My body then starts to shake and my hands quickly clench tight
I look up then to Heaven with teary eyes praying "God help me in this fight."
Lord come heal me now, help me to bear this pain
The stripes on your back I see too well but my stripes have me chained
You have the power to heal the scars on my heart and those that I can see
Please help me through, give me strength, help me from these chains break free.
The feelings start surrounding me, the light of hope starts to dim
A tremor crawls up my body, I look down at my limbs
Scars of the past and places untouched, a visual echo of my heart
Not knowing where one ends and one begins, you can't tell them apart.
Past mistakes have left my heart feeling abused and alone
And now in the midst of blood and tears my weaknesses are shown.
My body then starts to shake and my hands quickly clench tight
I look up then to Heaven with teary eyes praying "God help me in this fight."
Lord come heal me now, help me to bear this pain
The stripes on your back I see too well but my stripes have me chained
You have the power to heal the scars on my heart and those that I can see
Please help me through, give me strength, help me from these chains break free.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
The Power of the Eucharist
HOLY CRAP!!! God completely rocked my world tonight. Everything that happened today only makes yesterday better. Tonight confirmed to me that everything yesterday was truly God's will. Today was just a good day. After yesterday, I felt way better than I had in a long time. There wasn't this horrible thing bogging me down anymore. Tonight, there was a Festival of Praise on campus that was Eucharistic. I'm all about the power of the Eucharist (hence my household: Servants of the Eucharistic Heart of Jesus). It caused my conversion in 2005 and I've experienced the power Christ has in the form of the Eucharist. So, tonight, at the F.O.P., as Fr. Johnathan walked in with the monstrance, I already knew something was going to happen. My friends and I were sitting in the first row and as the Eucharist entered, a huge room full of over 2,500 people dropped to their knees. Unless you've been to Franciscan for a F.O.P. or a youth conference, it's an indescribable thing to see. You'll just have to trust me. As the Eucharist entered the room, my heart started beating so fast, like violently fast. I was almost scared that it was just going to stop beating (but obviously it didn't. Haha). So as Fr. Johnathan walked by, I bowed to the monstrance and Jesus. Fr. Johnathan placed the Eucharist on the altar, which was almost right in front of me. On my knees, I closed my eyes and looked down. As soon as I put my head down, God put these words on my heart: "Child, look at Me. Lift your face. Don't be ashamed." I opened my eyes, lifted my face to look at the Eucharist and heard: "You are Mine and I love you. You are My child and you belong to me. Satan doesn't own you. Your chains are gone. Be free, my beautiful daughter. Catherine, I love you." I became extremely overwhelmed with a sense of peace. For TEN minutes, I couldn't take my eyes off the Eucharist. Like, I'm not sure if I even blinked. It then hit me like a 2x4. I finally knew that was REALLY Jesus: Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity. Like, I finally believed that for the first time in a while. I KNOW it's not just bread and wine. It's the Bread of Life and the Cup of Salvation. For the first time in a LONG time, I know He really does love me. Yeah, I've screwed my life up a lot over the last 2 years, but He doesn't care. He's with me, loves me, has set me free, and Satan has no power over me.
After all this, I called Fr. Greg. I was like "OH MY GOSH!! I GET IT!! JESUS REALLY IS THERE!!" I then told him everything and he was like "What a breakthrough!!" So, he told me to pray with this experience really hard for the next few days. I'm in the midst of finals right now and I'm going home on Thursday. He knows that I have a pretty hard time when I go home, so he told me first to write down this experience and read it everyday when I'm home because that keeps the experience real. An idle mind truly is the devil's workshop. So, he told me not to let my mind go idle. I know that the devil's going to do anything he can to make me think this experience wasn't real and wasn't of God. Well, it was. I had a true encounter with Christ tonight and I know it. He also told me that it would be a really good idea for me to ask God to help me with my game plan for when I'm home.
So, man. Tonight was powerful. One thing I've learned is that when I do things my way, it ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS, goes wrong. Tonight, for the first time since coming to Franciscan, I've surrendered myself to God's will and can say honestly that I want whatever God wants.
After all this, I called Fr. Greg. I was like "OH MY GOSH!! I GET IT!! JESUS REALLY IS THERE!!" I then told him everything and he was like "What a breakthrough!!" So, he told me to pray with this experience really hard for the next few days. I'm in the midst of finals right now and I'm going home on Thursday. He knows that I have a pretty hard time when I go home, so he told me first to write down this experience and read it everyday when I'm home because that keeps the experience real. An idle mind truly is the devil's workshop. So, he told me not to let my mind go idle. I know that the devil's going to do anything he can to make me think this experience wasn't real and wasn't of God. Well, it was. I had a true encounter with Christ tonight and I know it. He also told me that it would be a really good idea for me to ask God to help me with my game plan for when I'm home.
So, man. Tonight was powerful. One thing I've learned is that when I do things my way, it ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS, goes wrong. Tonight, for the first time since coming to Franciscan, I've surrendered myself to God's will and can say honestly that I want whatever God wants.
"God dwells in our midst, in the Blessed Sacrament of the altar." -St. Maximilian Kolbe
Friday, December 3, 2010
What a Day!!
Well, today was quite the day, let me tell you. It all started last night when I sent Fr. Rick a Facebook message out of sheer desperation. I was very afraid of what I might do to myself. He responded late last night asking me to meet him at the chapel on campus at 11am this morning. He also asked me to not do anything last night and to be strong. Well, when I walked into the entrance of chapel today, there was Fr. Rick, waiting for me, and we walked into the main chapel and went to one of the back rooms where we sat down and talked. First, he prayed that any evil spirits that may hinder our conversation be gone. Then, he looked me in the eye and said "Talk to me. Why do you want to quit?" I told him that I'd lost all hope in ever being able to stop. I told him that I can't live the rest of my life like this. Then he said something that hit me right in the heart. He said, "First of all, tuck everything I'm about to say in the back of your brain. Suicide is NOT the answer. It's messy, painful, etc. This pain you're going through now, well magnify that times like a thousand...That's what you'll feel for all of eternity if you commit suicide. If you live the rest of you life in pain, it is what it is, but in eternity, that pain will be gone if you live the rest of your life. Do you want eternal misery? I know that you don't." That just like opened my eyes. The suicide thoughts haven't been bad, but they're there. I'm not gonna lie. I don't think I'll ever act on them. I honestly couldn't even look at him. He put his hand under my chin, lifted my face, looked me in the eye and said, "You can do this." In those 4 words, that spark of hope was re-ignited. I know what it's like to live my life free of this. I did it for 109 days. Yeah, I had to fight for every single one, but fighting wasn't nearly as bad as the pain that comes from giving in.
We talked for about another half hour and he prayed over me at the end. It was so powerful. Fr. Rick really knows how to pray and get right to the heart of what's bothering you. The words he uses are definitely not his words. They're God's. And, of course, I cried. After he finished the prayer, he looked at me and said "You're leaking." I laughed and stood up. He gave me a hug and held on for a minute. I kinda let go and he just held on. He made me feel so loved. He took time out of his ridulously busy schedule to talk to me and help me figure out what to do. I would be dead if it weren't for him.
Then, I went to see a counselor. The guy who is in charge of the counseling center was highly recommended by my friend Nicki and I was really unsure about it, but after meeting Joe, I really feel like this could work. He's offered to help me while I'm in Austria, both by Skype and by e-mail. This showed me that Joe's in for the long haul, which meant a lot. The meeting today was really informal and Nicki went with me. Joe just kinda wanted to know what was going on, etc. In just one session, he got a whole lot out of me and gave me some REALLY good suggestions.
So, I'm another step closer to taking back my life for good. My friends and I went to a hill in West Virginia that overlooks Steubenville and took a ton of pictures. For the first time in a long time, I look genuinely happy. I look kinda happy in most of the pictures taken of me, but I can see right through the facade and tell you exactly what I was feeling then, and most likely, it wasn't a good thing. Some of the oictures got posted on Facebook throughout the evening and I noticed that I look happy. Today really changed my life.
We talked for about another half hour and he prayed over me at the end. It was so powerful. Fr. Rick really knows how to pray and get right to the heart of what's bothering you. The words he uses are definitely not his words. They're God's. And, of course, I cried. After he finished the prayer, he looked at me and said "You're leaking." I laughed and stood up. He gave me a hug and held on for a minute. I kinda let go and he just held on. He made me feel so loved. He took time out of his ridulously busy schedule to talk to me and help me figure out what to do. I would be dead if it weren't for him.
Then, I went to see a counselor. The guy who is in charge of the counseling center was highly recommended by my friend Nicki and I was really unsure about it, but after meeting Joe, I really feel like this could work. He's offered to help me while I'm in Austria, both by Skype and by e-mail. This showed me that Joe's in for the long haul, which meant a lot. The meeting today was really informal and Nicki went with me. Joe just kinda wanted to know what was going on, etc. In just one session, he got a whole lot out of me and gave me some REALLY good suggestions.
So, I'm another step closer to taking back my life for good. My friends and I went to a hill in West Virginia that overlooks Steubenville and took a ton of pictures. For the first time in a long time, I look genuinely happy. I look kinda happy in most of the pictures taken of me, but I can see right through the facade and tell you exactly what I was feeling then, and most likely, it wasn't a good thing. Some of the oictures got posted on Facebook throughout the evening and I noticed that I look happy. Today really changed my life.
"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed" Isaiah 53:5
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Confession with Fr. Rick
So, after Thanksgiving break, I screwed up. I brought a blade back from home. All day on Monday, the thought consumed my mind that I had a blade in my room and it totally messed up my day. Right before dinner, I cut. Bad. I got the relief I was looking for, seeing the blood and feeling the blade slide across my forearm. I quickly got myself together and went to dinner with my friends as I do every night. As I sat at dinner with my friends, one of my best friends here sent me a text saying "Are you okay? You haven't been yourself today." Well, of course, I lied. I told her I was really tired (which I actually was. I didn't get enough sleep over break).
After dinner, I knew I had to get to Confession. I took the blade, wrapped it in a tissue and put it in my coat pocket. On the way from my dorm to the chapel, I prayed so hard that Fr. Rick would be there. If he wasn't, I was going to walk out. Having Fr. Rick as my normal confessor makes things a little easier. He knows my entire story, so I don't really have to do any explaining. It's also really humbling to have to admit to the same person that you screwed up. So, I sat down next to Fr. Rick and he knew. I know he knew as soon as I came over. I told him I cut and that I was done. I told him I'd done EVERYTHING...4 counselors, taking it to prayer, etc. I told him that I can't do it anymore. He looked at me and said, "Do you remember what your plan was over the summer?" I kinda rolled my eyes and said yes. I had emailed him over the summer when I was cutting really bad that if I kept cutting, I was going to go to St. Louis to S.A.F.E. Alternatives, an impatient hospital for self-injurers. He looked at me and said, "Well, what about that?" I thought about it and started crying. I told him I can't. I can't fall off the face of the earth for 30 days. He asked me why. He then said, "Embarrassing? Humbling?" I just nodded my head. I told him, plus, I'm going to Austria in 6 weeks. That's not enough time. I could barely look at him. He then looked me in the eyes and asked me to hang on and that God hasn't quit on me. He said there have been way worse sinners than me and He held onto them. I kinda protested, saying that I told God for the last 2 years that His Son dying on the Cross wasn't enough. He then said, "Catherine, I'm begging you to hang on just a little longer." I told him I didn't know how much longer I could. He said, "Do it for me." I told him that I'd try. As I thought he was about to give me absolution, he instead put his hand on my head and prayed over me like he did over the summer. I could feel his hand shaking. He asked God to heal my heart, mind, and body. He called for the powerful intercession of the Blessed Mother. He demanded that anything that was not of God, in the name of Jesus Christ, to leave me. It was so freakin' intense. I'm not even kidding. He then gave me absolution and prayed that God would grant me the grace of peace within my heart. He gave me a hug and like a few weeks ago, just held me for a minute. As I was about to get up, I pulled out the blade in my pocket and handed it to him, asking that he get rid of it for me. I knew it'd be REALLY bad if I kept it. As I got up, he whispered to me, "Hang on." So I have. The last 2 days have definitely been hard, but I'm still here because of Fr. Rick. He has been such a blessing. If he wasn't willing to put up with all my shit, I have no idea what I'd do. I wouldn't be here. That's for sure. So, yeah. That's where I am at this point. Just hanging on.
I'm going to see a counselor here at Franciscan on Friday. This guy is highly recommended by a highly trusted friend. She's offered to go with me, so I took her up on it. This counselor Skype's with people in Austria, which is the biggest reason I'm giving it a shot.
After dinner, I knew I had to get to Confession. I took the blade, wrapped it in a tissue and put it in my coat pocket. On the way from my dorm to the chapel, I prayed so hard that Fr. Rick would be there. If he wasn't, I was going to walk out. Having Fr. Rick as my normal confessor makes things a little easier. He knows my entire story, so I don't really have to do any explaining. It's also really humbling to have to admit to the same person that you screwed up. So, I sat down next to Fr. Rick and he knew. I know he knew as soon as I came over. I told him I cut and that I was done. I told him I'd done EVERYTHING...4 counselors, taking it to prayer, etc. I told him that I can't do it anymore. He looked at me and said, "Do you remember what your plan was over the summer?" I kinda rolled my eyes and said yes. I had emailed him over the summer when I was cutting really bad that if I kept cutting, I was going to go to St. Louis to S.A.F.E. Alternatives, an impatient hospital for self-injurers. He looked at me and said, "Well, what about that?" I thought about it and started crying. I told him I can't. I can't fall off the face of the earth for 30 days. He asked me why. He then said, "Embarrassing? Humbling?" I just nodded my head. I told him, plus, I'm going to Austria in 6 weeks. That's not enough time. I could barely look at him. He then looked me in the eyes and asked me to hang on and that God hasn't quit on me. He said there have been way worse sinners than me and He held onto them. I kinda protested, saying that I told God for the last 2 years that His Son dying on the Cross wasn't enough. He then said, "Catherine, I'm begging you to hang on just a little longer." I told him I didn't know how much longer I could. He said, "Do it for me." I told him that I'd try. As I thought he was about to give me absolution, he instead put his hand on my head and prayed over me like he did over the summer. I could feel his hand shaking. He asked God to heal my heart, mind, and body. He called for the powerful intercession of the Blessed Mother. He demanded that anything that was not of God, in the name of Jesus Christ, to leave me. It was so freakin' intense. I'm not even kidding. He then gave me absolution and prayed that God would grant me the grace of peace within my heart. He gave me a hug and like a few weeks ago, just held me for a minute. As I was about to get up, I pulled out the blade in my pocket and handed it to him, asking that he get rid of it for me. I knew it'd be REALLY bad if I kept it. As I got up, he whispered to me, "Hang on." So I have. The last 2 days have definitely been hard, but I'm still here because of Fr. Rick. He has been such a blessing. If he wasn't willing to put up with all my shit, I have no idea what I'd do. I wouldn't be here. That's for sure. So, yeah. That's where I am at this point. Just hanging on.
I'm going to see a counselor here at Franciscan on Friday. This guy is highly recommended by a highly trusted friend. She's offered to go with me, so I took her up on it. This counselor Skype's with people in Austria, which is the biggest reason I'm giving it a shot.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
"It gets better, always"
I know a guy at Xavier named Luke. He's a huge advocate for suicide prevention. He was featured on the local news in Cincinnati for what he does. He almost committed suicide in high school. I felt really called to share a little bit of my story with him, so I sent him a message on Facebook. First, I thanked him for all his work with the suicide prevention movement. Then I let him know why I left Xavier: I was afraid that I was going to kill myself by way of cutting. Here's the response I got from him:
Catherine,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me, and sharing such kind words towards me. I am sorry to hear that you had to go through shit, but I am so happy you are still here! The healing process can be long and you may slip back sometimes, but know that you have friends around you and there is plenty of support out there! It took me over 2 years before I started to become open with my story. I starting sharing in a big way, which is certainly not normal (typical, average, you know what I mean). The biggest thing I always want people to know is that they are not alone; it's the whole reason I speak out. They are not the first ones to think they are too different than everyone else in this world, too bad at school, don't have any friends, etc. Talking about our pain and troubles is a way to heal the wounds, but it takes lots of time, reflection, and prayer. God wants you here, truly. This beautiful world he created would be boring if everyone who didn't "fit in" left before it was their time; but you already know this as you had the courage, strength, and love for others to put the blade down.
Just remember: It gets better, always.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I am always here.
Luke
It's just another reminder that I'm not alone in my struggle, more divine intervention
Catherine,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me, and sharing such kind words towards me. I am sorry to hear that you had to go through shit, but I am so happy you are still here! The healing process can be long and you may slip back sometimes, but know that you have friends around you and there is plenty of support out there! It took me over 2 years before I started to become open with my story. I starting sharing in a big way, which is certainly not normal (typical, average, you know what I mean). The biggest thing I always want people to know is that they are not alone; it's the whole reason I speak out. They are not the first ones to think they are too different than everyone else in this world, too bad at school, don't have any friends, etc. Talking about our pain and troubles is a way to heal the wounds, but it takes lots of time, reflection, and prayer. God wants you here, truly. This beautiful world he created would be boring if everyone who didn't "fit in" left before it was their time; but you already know this as you had the courage, strength, and love for others to put the blade down.
Just remember: It gets better, always.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I am always here.
Luke
It's just another reminder that I'm not alone in my struggle, more divine intervention
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
There's A Reason
After feeling like crap for a little while after my last post, I realized something. My life could completely change if I had the same outlook as all the people in "The Human Experience." So, I've changed my mentality. If God allows me to wake up in the morning, there's some reason for it. There's a reason I'm alive every day I wake up. Therefore, I'm going to not just survive the day, but live my life.
On Sunday morning, I sent Fr. Greg a text saying that I'm taking back my life from this and apologized for doubting his love for me. I know it hurt him when I didn't believe that he loved me. He always told me he couldn't understand how I could truly believe that I was not good, that I was unlovable, etc. I believed those lies with all my heart. That's what Satan does. He makes those lies sound like truths. So, I've stopped beliving the lies. This is my life, a gift from God, and Satan has no right to take it. He's going to try, but the war's already been won.
Wishing you and your loved ones a blessed Thanksgiving.
Peace.
On Sunday morning, I sent Fr. Greg a text saying that I'm taking back my life from this and apologized for doubting his love for me. I know it hurt him when I didn't believe that he loved me. He always told me he couldn't understand how I could truly believe that I was not good, that I was unlovable, etc. I believed those lies with all my heart. That's what Satan does. He makes those lies sound like truths. So, I've stopped beliving the lies. This is my life, a gift from God, and Satan has no right to take it. He's going to try, but the war's already been won.
Wishing you and your loved ones a blessed Thanksgiving.
Peace.
Friday, November 19, 2010
The Human Experience
Tonight, some friends and I watched the new movie called "The Human Experience". It was made by a Catholic media company called Grassroots Films, Inc. and it was really good. It hit me really hard though. Throughout the entire movie, the main theme was the dignity of human life. In seeing all the suffering that the homeless people in New York, the handicapped children in Peru, and the AIDS patients and lepers in Africa dealt with, I realized, I have absolutely no right to feel the way I do. They are all going through SO much worse than I am, but they see a purpose in life. Over and over, they said that if God allowed them to wake up that morning, there was a purpose to their life. It just blew me away that people who are going through more shit than I ever could imagine, they keep their heads up and a smile on their face. Here I am, a 20-year-old college kid, who's never been forced to miss a meal because there wasn't food, who has a warm dorm room to come back to, who's been in school for over 15 years, who's going to study abroad in Austria next semester, who consistently finds the need to cut. Who am I to feel this way? I have absolutely no right to feel like my suffering is unbearable. It really made me think, but it also made me feel bad for feeling the way I do. I know I can't help feeling the way that I do, but after seeing this, I can't help but look at everything and think I'm a piece of crap.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Some of My Favorite Quotes
I just wanted to share with you all some of my favorite quotes. Most of the time, they get me through the day.
-"To be alive is to be broken, and to be broken is to stand in need of Grace." -Pope John Paul II
-"When you look at the Crucifix, you understand how much Jesus loved you then. When you look at the Sacred Host, you understand how much Jesus loves you now." -Blessed Mother Teresa
-"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." -Exodus 14:14
-"Fight the good fight of faith..." -1 Timothy 6:12
-"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10
-"The only difference between saints and sinners is that every saint has a past while every sinner has a future.” -Oscar Wilde
-"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." -Blessed Mother Teresa
-“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” -Psalm 147:3
-"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6:34
-"The Blessed Mother wears combat boots!" -Fr. Don Calloway
-"Sometimes God allows us to hit rock bottom so that we know He is the Rock."
-"Hate your faults, but hate them calmly." -St. Padre Pio
-“In trial or difficulty, I have recourse to Mother Mary, whose glance alone is enough to dissipate every fear.” -Saint Therese of Lisieux
-“I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all of my heart.” -Van Gogh
-"We are never defeated unless we give up on God." -Ronald Reagan
-"You can't have the Resurrection without the Cross." -Fr. Mike Scanlan (my spiritual director)
-"Confession heals, confession justifies, confession grants pardon of sin. All hope consists in confession. In confession there is a chance for mercy. Believe it firmly. Do not doubt, do not hesitate, never despair of the mercy of God. Hope and have confidence in confession." -St. Isidore of Seville
-“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
-"If we persevere in our relationship with Him in the Eucharist, then our lives will be secure." -Fr. Greg
-"To be alive is to be broken, and to be broken is to stand in need of Grace." -Pope John Paul II
-"When you look at the Crucifix, you understand how much Jesus loved you then. When you look at the Sacred Host, you understand how much Jesus loves you now." -Blessed Mother Teresa
-"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." -Exodus 14:14
-"Fight the good fight of faith..." -1 Timothy 6:12
-"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10
-"The only difference between saints and sinners is that every saint has a past while every sinner has a future.” -Oscar Wilde
-"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." -Blessed Mother Teresa
-“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” -Psalm 147:3
-"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6:34
-"The Blessed Mother wears combat boots!" -Fr. Don Calloway
-"Sometimes God allows us to hit rock bottom so that we know He is the Rock."
-"Hate your faults, but hate them calmly." -St. Padre Pio
-“In trial or difficulty, I have recourse to Mother Mary, whose glance alone is enough to dissipate every fear.” -Saint Therese of Lisieux
-“I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all of my heart.” -Van Gogh
-"We are never defeated unless we give up on God." -Ronald Reagan
-"You can't have the Resurrection without the Cross." -Fr. Mike Scanlan (my spiritual director)
-"Confession heals, confession justifies, confession grants pardon of sin. All hope consists in confession. In confession there is a chance for mercy. Believe it firmly. Do not doubt, do not hesitate, never despair of the mercy of God. Hope and have confidence in confession." -St. Isidore of Seville
-“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
-"If we persevere in our relationship with Him in the Eucharist, then our lives will be secure." -Fr. Greg
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Starting Over
I got to day 108 and it was a pretty good day. Then, I messed up. On Monday night, I cut. I'd just had enough fighting the urge. I had to fight so hard for every single one of those 109 days. I just decided to quit. I felt like absolute shit after doing it and knowing that I had to go to Mass with my household the next morning, I knew I had to get to Confession.
I went that night and went to Fr. Rick, who's the priest who prayed over me in July. I hadn't been to Confession with him in a really long time, so as soon as I sat down, I think he kinda knew. I sat down and instantaneously started crying. He gave me a little time to calm down and then said "Catherine, talk to me. What happened?" All I had to say was "I screwed up" and I feel like I saw his heart break right in front of my face. He said "You cut?" and I said "Yeah..." He then asked me how long I'd gone and I told him 3 months. He said it was awesome that I'd gone like 90 days and I told him it had actually been 109. He was shocked. He was like "CATHERINE! God is so with you! You couldn't have gone that long without Him. I was really worried about you almost all summer. It was touch and go for a while. I was afraid that one day, I wasn't going to see you." I told him that honestly, it really still is touch and go.
We talked a while longer, I cried more, and then as he was giving me absolution, he put his hand on my head and said the prayer of absolution with so much intensity that again, I broke down yet again. At the end, he asked me if he could give me a hug. I told him of course and he hugged me. He whispered in my ear "You are good. Stop believing you're not. He loves you so much more than you could even imagine. I know you don't believe that, but it's the truth. Trust me." I started to cry harder and he just held me for a minute. It was the most loved I've felt in a while.
I sent him an e-mail last night telling him kinda where I was at. I tried to go to praise and worship and I couldn't be in there for more than 15 minutes. I just felt so guilty. I know that in God's eyes, it's like I never cut, but I couldn't handle it. I left in tears. I let Fr. Rick know in the e-mail and how I wasn't really sure where to go from here, but I said it was all up to God. Here's the response I got from him this morning:
"Over 100 days!! think about that, it's amazing...miraculous...a sure sign that God is with you, helping you, loving you. You could not have done that on your own. God's Spirit is alive in you! Start counting now and let's string another 100 together, the first 40 or so can be a little Christmas gift you present to baby Jesus. :) God's peace be yours! Fr. Rick"
I went that night and went to Fr. Rick, who's the priest who prayed over me in July. I hadn't been to Confession with him in a really long time, so as soon as I sat down, I think he kinda knew. I sat down and instantaneously started crying. He gave me a little time to calm down and then said "Catherine, talk to me. What happened?" All I had to say was "I screwed up" and I feel like I saw his heart break right in front of my face. He said "You cut?" and I said "Yeah..." He then asked me how long I'd gone and I told him 3 months. He said it was awesome that I'd gone like 90 days and I told him it had actually been 109. He was shocked. He was like "CATHERINE! God is so with you! You couldn't have gone that long without Him. I was really worried about you almost all summer. It was touch and go for a while. I was afraid that one day, I wasn't going to see you." I told him that honestly, it really still is touch and go.
We talked a while longer, I cried more, and then as he was giving me absolution, he put his hand on my head and said the prayer of absolution with so much intensity that again, I broke down yet again. At the end, he asked me if he could give me a hug. I told him of course and he hugged me. He whispered in my ear "You are good. Stop believing you're not. He loves you so much more than you could even imagine. I know you don't believe that, but it's the truth. Trust me." I started to cry harder and he just held me for a minute. It was the most loved I've felt in a while.
I sent him an e-mail last night telling him kinda where I was at. I tried to go to praise and worship and I couldn't be in there for more than 15 minutes. I just felt so guilty. I know that in God's eyes, it's like I never cut, but I couldn't handle it. I left in tears. I let Fr. Rick know in the e-mail and how I wasn't really sure where to go from here, but I said it was all up to God. Here's the response I got from him this morning:
"Over 100 days!! think about that, it's amazing...miraculous...a sure sign that God is with you, helping you, loving you. You could not have done that on your own. God's Spirit is alive in you! Start counting now and let's string another 100 together, the first 40 or so can be a little Christmas gift you present to baby Jesus. :) God's peace be yours! Fr. Rick"
I'm crying now, sitting here just typing it. Fr. Rick didn't have to do anything for me. He didn't have to offer to talk to a counselor for me. He didn't have to take my blades when I handed them to him that night over the summer. He didn't have to check on me in my car later that night. He didn't have to pray over me. He didn't have to do anything for me, but he has done all this stuff and honestly, it gets me through a lot of the time. I think one big reason I wouldn't be able to take my own life is because I can't imagine Fr. Rick hearing that I'd done it from someone. I also can't imagine how Fr. Greg would ever find out, being 5 hours away from here. I don't know. These two men have been so influential in my life and I thank God for them every day. I literally could never do that to them, let alone my family and friends.
So, today's struggles are offered up for Fr. Greg and Fr. Rick and all of their intentions (That's one benefit of being Catholic...redemptive suffering!)
It's day 2 and I'm gonna keep going strong.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Music Video for "You Are More"
The most moving part of this song for me is at 2:38, there's a shot of the chalk board and it says "I cut myself..." It made it so much more like this song is the story of my life.
Friday, November 5, 2010
The Armor of God
Ephesians 6:11-18
"Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the Gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."
Oh man, oh man! What challenging words!! This passage in Ephesians is one that always gets me pumped up to be a woman of the Lord. We all, men or women, have to be soldiers for Christ in an extremely screwed up world. This past May, I went on a retreat about spiritual warfare. The man leading the retreat said that having a Bible open to this passage of the Bible is a great way to fight Satan and any demons, so most of the summer, one of my Bibles was open to this passage the whole time.
Another way I fight off the evil spirits of this world is by wearing a Benedictine medal. Here's a picture of the back of one.
On the back of the medal, the cross is dominant. On the arms of the cross are the initial letters of a rhythmic Latin prayer: Crux sacra sit mihi lux! Nunquam draco sit mihi dux! (May the holy cross be my light! May the dragon never be my guide!).
In the angles of the cross, the letters C S P B stand for Crux Sancti Patris Benedicti (The cross of our holy father Benedict).
"Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the Gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."
Oh man, oh man! What challenging words!! This passage in Ephesians is one that always gets me pumped up to be a woman of the Lord. We all, men or women, have to be soldiers for Christ in an extremely screwed up world. This past May, I went on a retreat about spiritual warfare. The man leading the retreat said that having a Bible open to this passage of the Bible is a great way to fight Satan and any demons, so most of the summer, one of my Bibles was open to this passage the whole time.
Another way I fight off the evil spirits of this world is by wearing a Benedictine medal. Here's a picture of the back of one.
On the back of the medal, the cross is dominant. On the arms of the cross are the initial letters of a rhythmic Latin prayer: Crux sacra sit mihi lux! Nunquam draco sit mihi dux! (May the holy cross be my light! May the dragon never be my guide!).
In the angles of the cross, the letters C S P B stand for Crux Sancti Patris Benedicti (The cross of our holy father Benedict).
Peace
Above the cross is the word pax (peace), that has been a Benedictine motto for centuries. Around the margin of the back of the medal, the letters V R S N S M V - S M Q L I V B are the initial letters, as mentioned above, of a Latin prayer of exorcism against Satan: Vade retro Satana! Nunquam suade mihi vana! Sunt mala quae libas. Ipse venena bibas! (Begone Satan! Never tempt me with your vanities! What you offer me is evil. Drink the poison yourself!)Thursday, October 28, 2010
"The place of God in my soul is blank"
"...This terrible sense of loss, this untold darkness, this loneliness, this continual longing for God, which gives me that pain deep down in my heart. Darkness is such that I really do not see - neither with my mind nor with my reason. The place of God in my soul is blank. There is no God in me. When the pain of longing is so great, I just long and long for God and it is then that I feel - He does not want me. He is not there...God does not want me. Sometimes, I just hear my own heart cry out - "My God" and nothing else comes. The torture and pain I can't explain."
I read this last night in Adoration and could not believe what I was reading. This was written by one of, if not the holiest woman to live in the 20th century: Mother Teresa. It's in the book "Come Be My Light" and even still, I cannot believe that a woman like Mother Teresa felt the exact same way I do a lot of the time. It was a real wake up call. A soon to be saint felt the EXACT same way I did. For me, Mother Teresa put a feeling that I couldn't put words to into words for me. It's actually kind of encouraging. I mean, maybe this is the way I'm supposed to feel. My suffering puts me in union with Christ's passion.
Sorry this wasn't a little longer. I don't have much time tonight.
I read this last night in Adoration and could not believe what I was reading. This was written by one of, if not the holiest woman to live in the 20th century: Mother Teresa. It's in the book "Come Be My Light" and even still, I cannot believe that a woman like Mother Teresa felt the exact same way I do a lot of the time. It was a real wake up call. A soon to be saint felt the EXACT same way I did. For me, Mother Teresa put a feeling that I couldn't put words to into words for me. It's actually kind of encouraging. I mean, maybe this is the way I'm supposed to feel. My suffering puts me in union with Christ's passion.
Sorry this wasn't a little longer. I don't have much time tonight.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
"The Reason For The World" - Matthew West
God tends to speak to me in music. I somehow manage to find the perfect song at the perfect time. I've come to believe that it's the Spirit.
On my drive back to Steubenville today, I listened to this song and it really hit me. It gave me a reason to keep going. Lately, I've wanted to give up. I realized I can't.
There are no words in times like these
When tears don’t hide the tragedies
And all you want is a reason for the world
No comfort in a greeting card
‘Cause God is good, but life’s still hard
And your heart just wants a reason for the world
But maybe the reason for the pain
Is so that we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for our hope
Is so that we can face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home
For God so loved your broken heart
He sent his Son to where you are
And He died to give a reason for the world
So lift your sorrows to the One
Whose plan for you has just begun
And rest here in the hands that hold the world
'Cause maybe the reason for the pain
Is so that we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for our hope
Is so that we can face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home
Well, I know you’re past the point of broken
Surrounded by your fear
I know your feet are tired and weary
From the road that you walk down here
But just keep your eyes on Heaven
And know that you are not alone
Remember the reason for the world
No ear has heard, no eye has seen
Not even in your wildest dreams
The beauty that awaits beyond the world
When you look into the eyes of grace
And hear the voice of mercy say
Child, welcome to the reason for the world
On my drive back to Steubenville today, I listened to this song and it really hit me. It gave me a reason to keep going. Lately, I've wanted to give up. I realized I can't.
There are no words in times like these
When tears don’t hide the tragedies
And all you want is a reason for the world
No comfort in a greeting card
‘Cause God is good, but life’s still hard
And your heart just wants a reason for the world
But maybe the reason for the pain
Is so that we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for our hope
Is so that we can face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home
For God so loved your broken heart
He sent his Son to where you are
And He died to give a reason for the world
So lift your sorrows to the One
Whose plan for you has just begun
And rest here in the hands that hold the world
'Cause maybe the reason for the pain
Is so that we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for our hope
Is so that we can face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home
Well, I know you’re past the point of broken
Surrounded by your fear
I know your feet are tired and weary
From the road that you walk down here
But just keep your eyes on Heaven
And know that you are not alone
Remember the reason for the world
No ear has heard, no eye has seen
Not even in your wildest dreams
The beauty that awaits beyond the world
When you look into the eyes of grace
And hear the voice of mercy say
Child, welcome to the reason for the world
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
A Four Word Text Message.
All it took was a 4-word text message to bring me to tears this morning. I was texting Fr. Greg last night, just letting him know how down I was. He didn't respond when I was awake. I fell asleep praying the Rosary at about 11:30 last night. I was out cold, or as my dad would say, "sawing logs" (He's a country boy. Can you tell? lol) I had a really bad night last night. Fr. Greg is really the only person I feel like I have in my life that I can be completely vulnerable with. He's seen me at my best and he's seen me at my worst. These are pretty raw emotions from last night. Here are the texts I sent Fr. Greg:
"Why do I still feel like there's all this crap inside me that I can only get out by cutting when there shouldn't be. It's day 89. Things should be better by now."
"I feel so alone. I shouldn't want to cut. Where is God when I need him? He's supposed to never leave me. I feel like He's left me here to fix myself."
"I've done everything I know to do. I can barely even pray anymore, which is a HUGE problem. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know why I'm here. I don't want to be here anymore."
"I'm sorry for being such a screw up. I wish I wasn't such a piece of hunk. Remember in Confession at St. Andrew's when you told me God didn't create junk? He did. He created me."
"I feel like my life's not worth shit. I've tried so many times over the last 2 years to fix it, yet here I am. Still screwed up. I'm done."
At 1:06am, I received a text (which I didn't get until this morning at 7:00am) with 4 little words. It said "I love you, Catherine." I was blown away this morning. I had no idea that all I needed was for someone to tell me they loved me. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. He's stuck by me for the last two years and if God hadn't brought him into my life when He did, I wouldn't be alive today. Fr. Greg has been someone who's constantly kept me grounded and been there for me when my life became a living hell. In one of Matthew West's new songs called "Hold You Up" there's a line that I feel like Fr. Greg has done for me. It says "I'm not gonna leave you when your world becomes a war. I'm staying in the trenches 'cause you're worth fighting for."
I've been in kind of a funk today because of it. I keep looking at the text to make sure I actually got it. I had no idea that a little 4-letter word text would make me feel better than anything else he could have said.
Call or tell someone you love them today. It may save their life.
"Why do I still feel like there's all this crap inside me that I can only get out by cutting when there shouldn't be. It's day 89. Things should be better by now."
"I feel so alone. I shouldn't want to cut. Where is God when I need him? He's supposed to never leave me. I feel like He's left me here to fix myself."
"I've done everything I know to do. I can barely even pray anymore, which is a HUGE problem. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know why I'm here. I don't want to be here anymore."
"I'm sorry for being such a screw up. I wish I wasn't such a piece of hunk. Remember in Confession at St. Andrew's when you told me God didn't create junk? He did. He created me."
"I feel like my life's not worth shit. I've tried so many times over the last 2 years to fix it, yet here I am. Still screwed up. I'm done."
At 1:06am, I received a text (which I didn't get until this morning at 7:00am) with 4 little words. It said "I love you, Catherine." I was blown away this morning. I had no idea that all I needed was for someone to tell me they loved me. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. He's stuck by me for the last two years and if God hadn't brought him into my life when He did, I wouldn't be alive today. Fr. Greg has been someone who's constantly kept me grounded and been there for me when my life became a living hell. In one of Matthew West's new songs called "Hold You Up" there's a line that I feel like Fr. Greg has done for me. It says "I'm not gonna leave you when your world becomes a war. I'm staying in the trenches 'cause you're worth fighting for."
I've been in kind of a funk today because of it. I keep looking at the text to make sure I actually got it. I had no idea that a little 4-letter word text would make me feel better than anything else he could have said.
Call or tell someone you love them today. It may save their life.
Monday, October 18, 2010
One Of Those Nights...
Tonight's one of those nights...One of those nights where things just seem to suck. I'm having a really hard time. I feel like inside me there's all this crap, and cutting is the only way to get it out. That's how I always felt before I stopped cutting, but tonight, all I want to do is grab a blade and drag it across my arm. Then I look at my tattoo and remember what it stands for. It is a reminder that even when I don't feel loved, I am actually loved. I am loved by God, my parents, my friends, Fr. Greg, Fr. Rick, Fr. Mike, and so many other people.
I look at my arm and see scars from my elbow to my wrist and honestly, that scares me. I don't ever want to go back to that. I know that cutting is an evil lie and I never want to do it again, but nights like tonight, I feel like it's the only way that I can feel better. I'm feeling down because I'm really tired. I was gone all day yesterday leading a retreat for 400 teens in the Diocese of Steubenville. The retreat was 2 1/2 hours away and we got back at 1am this morning, so I'm exhausted. I'm also kinda down because I haven't been getting along with my household sisters as much as I would like to. I guess that's just what happens when you live with friends you see ALL the time. It's a challenge sometimes, but most of the time, it's great. One sister in particular is driving me nuts, but otherwise, things are okay there.
I think I'm just going to go pray the Rosary and see what happens.
3 weeks from today is day 108.
I look at my arm and see scars from my elbow to my wrist and honestly, that scares me. I don't ever want to go back to that. I know that cutting is an evil lie and I never want to do it again, but nights like tonight, I feel like it's the only way that I can feel better. I'm feeling down because I'm really tired. I was gone all day yesterday leading a retreat for 400 teens in the Diocese of Steubenville. The retreat was 2 1/2 hours away and we got back at 1am this morning, so I'm exhausted. I'm also kinda down because I haven't been getting along with my household sisters as much as I would like to. I guess that's just what happens when you live with friends you see ALL the time. It's a challenge sometimes, but most of the time, it's great. One sister in particular is driving me nuts, but otherwise, things are okay there.
I think I'm just going to go pray the Rosary and see what happens.
3 weeks from today is day 108.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
"Beautiful" - MercyMe
This song I randomly discovered on Tuesday. You have no idea how much I wish I believed this...
The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
And praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the Cross
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to death
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes
You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
And praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the Cross
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to death
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes
You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
Friday, October 15, 2010
"Broken Girl" - Matthew West
Matthew West released a new record last week. The whole album is incredible, but this is the song that hit me the hardest.
Look what he’s done to you
It isn’t fair
Your light was bright and new
But he didn’t care
He took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast
Now words like innocence
Don’t mean a thing
You hear the music play
But you can’t sing
Those pictures in your mind
Keep you locked up inside your past
This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are, hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl
Those damaged goods you see
In your reflection
Love sees them differently
Love sees perfection
A beautiful display
Of healing on the way tonight
Tonight, tonight
This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are, hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl
Let your tears touch to the ground
Lay your shattered pieces down
And be amazed by how grace
Can take a broken girl
And put her back together again
This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are, hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl
Look what he’s done to you
It isn’t fair
Your light was bright and new
But he didn’t care
He took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast
Now words like innocence
Don’t mean a thing
You hear the music play
But you can’t sing
Those pictures in your mind
Keep you locked up inside your past
This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are, hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl
Those damaged goods you see
In your reflection
Love sees them differently
Love sees perfection
A beautiful display
Of healing on the way tonight
Tonight, tonight
This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are, hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl
Let your tears touch to the ground
Lay your shattered pieces down
And be amazed by how grace
Can take a broken girl
And put her back together again
This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are, hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The Tiniest Spark of Hope
It amazes me what the tiniest spark of hope inside a person can do. I had a spiritual direction meeting with Fr. Mike Scanlan yesterday and that's one thing I told him. I told him that for 2 years, I wanted to give up so many times, but something inside me wouldn't let me. It was the tiniest spark of hope and that yearning inside my soul to better my relationship with Christ. Honestly, I thought I was a hopeless case. It wasn't until Fr. Greg told me one night that giving up hope is a greater sin than cutting did I realize that there was something inside me that wanted to keep going. That thing was a tiny spark of hope, given to me by God. George Weinberg once said “Hope never abandons you; you abandon it.” That's so true. God didn't abandon me. I abandoned Him.
Now that I see what my life is like without cutting, I'm realizing what I'd missed if I had given up. I wouldn't be at the most incredible school in the world. I wouldn't be blessed with the world's most amazing friends. I wouldn't have gotten to see Fr. Greg twice this summer. I wouldn't have been able to take 17 friends home to see Matt Maher and Tenth Avenue North. I wouldn't be living in the most amazing dorm hall ever. I wouldn't get to go to study abroad in Austria next semester. I wouldn't get to see my sister graduate high school in May. I wouldn't get to see my brother graduate medical school and become a doctor in a year and a half. I would miss EVERYTHING God has planned for me! I would've missed SO MUCH!!
I'm realizing how beautiful life is. Yeah, it can REALLY suck sometimes. But looking at the bigger picture really does change everything. I realize that everything that has happened to me has happened for some reason. Some things, I have no freakin' clue at this point why they happened, but in God's time, He'll reveal it.
"When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God." -Charles L. Allen
"Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope." -Hal Lindsey
"And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." -Romans 5:5
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." -George Iles
"Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn't permanent." -Jean Kerr
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