Things Really Have Changed

I let my insecurities ruin something else in my life. Shocking, I know. It made me wonder if I'd really changed. Then, while on Tumblr last night, I stumbled upon someone's blog that had some extremely graphic pictures of people cutting and even some videos of people cutting. It was really disturbing. Then I realized that until March, I wouldn't have thought that. I would have gotten sucked in and then triggered and cut. Now, I'm just here thinking "Holy crap...that used to be me." Praise God for His healing touch and how much He changed His unworthy servant's life. Normally, with what happened yesterday, I would've turned to the blade, but I didn't. You know, now that I think of it, I don't think cutting even entered my mind when it all went down.

My deliverance in Austria makes me wonder how anyone can question the existence of God. Seriously...If there was no God, I would have been dead years ago and I sure wouldn't be 3 months clean with 1 slip up. God has done the most insane things in my life and I am so blessed.

"And He said to the woman, 'Your faith has saved you; go in peace'." -Luke 7:50

The Love of Christ

Yesterday, I drove to Steubenville (which is 4 hours from Cincinnati) to look at an apartment. First of all, I saw Fr. Rick and it made my life. He gives the best hugs of anyone I know :) Fr. Rick was SO happy to see me and I know he could just SEE the difference from when he last saw me like 6 months ago. I can't wait to tell him about my incredible semester in Austria. That's not what I'm blogging about though. This is about Christ.

My 4 hour drives are times I cherish because I get some serious prayer time in (as well as some praise and worship as well as singing at the top of my lungs to those songs you just have to do that to. Hahaha). Yesterday, I spent 8 hours driving to and back from Steubenville, so I had a lot of time. I recently found these videos on YouTube where this guy mixes songs with pastors' sermons. It's awesome. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE watch it and listen. All of his videos really make you think.



Some of my time yesterday was spent meditating on Christ's love. It BLOWS my mind that God knew who I was going to be and love me anyway. He knew I was going to be addicted to cutting, but Jesus Christ died on the Cross anyway. Yeah, Fr. Greg's told me that a million times. But, in the car, it finally hit me. The hugeness (I can't think of another word right now. Haha) of what He did finally sunk in. I really can't even put into words what I felt in the car. As a theology major and as someone who has experienced the power of His love, I know that God's love is beyond human understanding. But, in the car, I felt like maybe, even for just a minute, I began to understand it. God gave His Son so that YOU (yes, you, reading this right now) could be reunited with the Father. Christ payed the debt. No more slaves to sin, but we were made free!

I am so blessed. Seriously. I don't deserve a single thing that the Lord has done for me, but it's not about how good I am. It's about how good He is.

I ask for your prayers as I have finally stopped ignoring the fact that God may be calling me to religious life. There has been this nudge for the last 5 years and when we were in London one weekend during my semester abroad, my roommate Emily and I went to Adoration at a convent we stumbled across. I sat there with the sisters and thought "I could do this." Since then, it's been on my heart. Whatever God wants is what I want. All I want is for God to receive every single ounce of glory. I have begun serious discernment about what my vocation is. I still have absolutely no idea, but I'm praying about it.

"The love of God changes us. We're never the same after we encounter the love of God." -Kim Walker

"I know I won't forget finding God in Austria"

This song was written by a Franciscan almuni after he went to Austria. This song seriously is my exact Austria experience. I experienced God SO profoundly during my semester abroad. I got to go to Confession in St. Peter's Basilica in Vatican City and the Shrine of Divine Mercy in Krakow, Poland. I had an incredible life-changing experience during out weekend in Medjugorje. I received healing beyond belief and was baptized in the Holy Spirit and received the gift of tongues. I got to venerate one of Padre Pio's gloves, I got to touch the bars of the cell at Auschwitz where St. Max Kolbe was killed, I got to climb the stairs that Jesus climbed to meet Pilate, I got to see the Holy Father 7 times, I got to serve God's people for a week in Romania, I got to see one of the nails Christ was crucified with, I saw the incorrupt body of St. Lucy in Venice, I saw the sun spin in Medjugorje, I saw the miraculous image of our Lady of Czestochowa and was almost brought to tears, I went to Adoration in a convent in London. Those were some concrete ways I encountered God this past semester, but the absolutely incredible healing of my heart was what I'll always cherish the most about this semester. I really did find in God Austria.

Footprints in the Sand

I'm sure you've probably heard this before, but it's just a reminder


Footprints in the Sand
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: One belonged to him, the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of foot prints. He also noticed that it happened at the lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it. "LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you you would walk with me all of the way But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why, when I needed you the most, you would leave me."

The LORD replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering  when  you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Healing

This song has meant SO much to me, especially this past semester. If you haven't, please read my posts about the healing of the heart services that Fr. Brad did. Those Tuesday nights, the worship team would play this song right as Fr. Brad began praying over people. Well, it was then that the tears would start flowing. Those tears were from some much stored up anger and hurt. 2 1/2 years of hurt. This song reminded me that God was going to be the one to help me. No person and no medication could do it. It was HIM and you know what, He proved that to me. He healed me. I haven't cut in over 2 months. Yeah, that's happened before, but it's completely different this time. I know that sounds cliche, but it's true. I had a deliverance. I'm no longer caught in the wicked cycle Satan had me in. I'm FREE!! God healed me. He can heal you. Nothing is impossible for Him. Trust Him. I did and He changed my life forever.

Jesus, I trust in You. Jesus, I trust in You. Jesus, I trust in You. (The final prayer of the Divine Mercy Chaplet)

Not Alone - Red

Every time I begin to feel like I'm alone, I listen to this song and I'm reminded that God is ALWAYS with me. I can't even tell you how many times in Scripture God promises to never to abandon us. I hold onto those promises and I've learned that even when you think God's abandoned you, He hasn't.

Someone Worth Dying For - MIKESCHAIR

You might be the wife, waiting up at night 
You might be the man, struggling to provide 
Feeling like it's hopeless 
Maybe you're the son who chose a broken road 
Maybe you're the girl thinking you'll end up alone 
Praying God, can you hear me? 
Oh God, are you listening? 

Am I more than flesh and bone? Am I really something beautiful? 
Yeah I wanna believe, I wanna believe that 
I'm not just some wandering soul 
That you don't see and you don't know 
I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I 
Am someone worth dying for 

I know you've heard the truth that God has set you free 
But you think you're the one that grace could never reach 
So you just keep asking, oh what everybody's asking 

Am I more than flesh and bone? Am I really something beautiful? 
Yeah I wanna believe, I wanna believe that 
I'm not just some wandering soul 
That you don't see and you don't know 
Yeah I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I 
Am someone worth dying for 

You're worth it, you can't earn it 
Yeah the Cross has proven that you're sacred and blameless 
Your life has purpose 

And you are more than flesh and bone, 
Can't you see you're something beautiful?
Yes you gotta believe, you gotta believe 
He wants you to see, He wants you to see 
That you're not just some wandering soul 
That can't be seen and can't be known 
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you are 
Someone worth dying for.
You're someone worth dying for
You're someone worth dying for.

Home from Austria

I'm home from an INCREDIBLE semester in Austria. The blessings that flowed this semester were absolutely insane. I had no idea that going to Austria was going to be such a healing semester. A month and a half in, when I pretty much hit rock bottom, I was so discouraged. But, I kept hope, went to the Lord with expectant faith, and was blessed beyond belief. Fr. Brad was telling me right before we left that he hasn't seen someone blessed by the Lord in his ministry in a long time. He told me it was because of my perseverance and expectant faith. I fell so in love with the Lord this semester. It's not just because of what He's done for me. It's because of His love for me. I really can't help but be head over heals in love with the Lord...and I want to share that with people! I want to share the love of God with people because I experience it every single minute of every day. I just can't help it! Hahaha. I think about it and I smile. God is so good and so worthy of my praise that I can barely stand it. It's a feeling that's almost impossible to describe.

So yeah, I'm home and it's so surreal. I can't believe I was gone for 4 months. It's good to be home, but honestly, I miss Austria like crazy already. I miss my friends, the Kartause (the monastery we lived in), Fr. Brad, the community, everything. I am so blessed to have had the experience to live in Austria for the last 4 months. I've got 3 weeks here in Cincinnati and then it's back to Steubenville for summer classes (and a visit in June to DC to see Fr. Greg, which I'm PUMPED about).

"We must go beyond textbooks, go out into the bypaths and untrodden depths of the wilderness and travel and explore and tell the world the glories of our journey." -John Hope Franklin.