Getting Up and Continuing My Journey

I cut last night. I'd just had enough. All this stuff at my church has really gotten to me, my mom was very unappreciative after I made dinner the last 2 nights (a simple thank you would've been enough), and in general, coming home is always hard. Last night, I stumbled upon the blades I'd asked my dad to move. It was a STUPID move, but I couldn't resist the temptation and grabbed one. I'm gonna get kinda graphic here because I said I'd always be honest on here: First I cut on my upper arm so no one could see it because I have this habit of pulling up my long sleeves. I made one long cut on my upper arm and then some words came to mind (Over the summer, I cut the word "liar" into my leg after a fight with someone, so that's kinda where the idea came from). Because I was feeling like such a screw up, I cut the words "F**k up" in smaller letters into my upper arm. Then, I cut the word "unlovable" into my leg. I know both of those things are lies, but last night, the devil made them sound like complete truths.

One MAJOR problem is that home doesn't feel like home anymore. I'd lived in Steubenville for almost an entire year until now. Steubenville quickly became home and my incredible friends became my family. I miss my friends like you wouldn't even believe. When I used to come home, my parish would feel more like home, but with all this stuff with the priest, even church doesn't feel like home anymore. So, it's been really hard.

After I cut last night, I texted Fr. Greg, telling him I'd cut, apologizing for being such a screw up and him having to put up with me for the last 2 years and that he doesn't have to put up with me anymore. I was pretty much expecting him to quit on me, so to make it hurt less for me when he did give up on me, is why I told him he didn't have to put up with me. He responded with some ridiculous jokes like he always does when he can tell I'm really down. It kinda showed me that he's willing to keep putting up with me. His joking around definitely took my mind off of it and I was able to sleep. Today, I looked at what I'd done and realized the words I carved into my body are lies. Once the cuts heal, I'm praying that God heals my heart from believing those lies. I definitely regret cutting, but still, I have to keep my head up and keep going. I've only cut 3 or 4 times in the last 5 months. I'm still getting better. I fell, like Jesus did on the way to His crucifixion, so just like He got up, I'm getting up and continuing my journey.

Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas. God humbled Himself and became one of us. What an incredible gift!