Last night, I had quite the talk on the phone with Fr. Greg. We talked for an hour and a half and it was actually really incredible (not that any of our conversations aren't awesome). It started out with me ranting for like 20 minutes, just letting him know EVERYTHING: the crap here at home, the stuff at my parish, etc. It was nice just to have someone listen. He didn't say a word, which was kinda what I needed. I have this thing where I just internalize things, so then they sit inside and just eat at me. He was like "First of all, I'm really sorry about the priest at your church. That's gotta suck. But, I have to ask you something I've only asked you once before. Do you want to live?" I was silent for a minute and with brutal honestly said, "Not at this point. The only thing keeping me going is the fact that Austria is 3 weeks away." I could tell in his voice that I'd broken his heart. We talked some more and then he said, "I think I finally know where to start with all this stuff. You have issues receiving love, don't you?" I told him that yes, I definitely do. He then expanded on that and we figured some more stuff out.
I was in my car for like 45 minutes when I started to drive home. Right as I pulled into my driveway, he said, "Catherine. You have no idea how much I respect you. You've been dealing with this shit for over 2 years now and you're still here. You're constantly turning to God and I'm absolutely amazed at how you keep fighting. I have more respect for you than you'll ever understand. I respect you more than anyone I know. When you reach out to me for help, you're reaching out to Christ. Catherine, that's incredible. I wish the students here would reach out to me like you do. But most people don't want to get messy. You're willing to get messy because you know that's what you gotta do." I know every word he said to me was genuine. I can tell when people try to bullshit me. He definitely was genuine. So, I started crying. No one had ever told me that before and it opened my eyes. People have let me down over and over and over again. I know that the only person I can count on to NEVER let me down in God. We also talked about how in the Gospels, Jesus hangs out with sinners...like me. Jesus did the messy stuff and I keep dealing with the messy stuff, therefore, Christ is right there with me. It's hard for me to put it in exact words because he said it way better than I ever could. Trust me, it changed my perspective on God a lot, which is crazy. I've never had anyone really explain God to me like that. Now that he did, I realize that God really does love me. Fr. Greg also explained to me why he's never going to quit on me and he's never going to leave. Now, I know for sure that he's not going to quit on me.
We also talked about the religious pride at Franciscan. Oh man, there are definitely some totally fake people there. There are also some extremely legit people. He was saying how the person from there he knows (besides me. lol) is full of religious pride and doesn't dig down deep and get dirty. He said that I amaze him because I do. I'm constantly struggling, but turn to God in that struggle. I explained to Fr. Greg that God's pretty much the only option I've got left because nothing else has worked. He said it's amazing though that I constantly reach out to God because I could have quit on God a long time ago. He said that I could have quit on life a long time ago, but here I am, still fighting for my life. He said he thought that was incredible.
One thing he said to me that hit me really hard was that in the text I sent him 2 nights ago saying that he didn't have to deal with me anymore, he got pretty scared and thought that might be the end of me. I told him that I thought it might have been. He said he was so relieved to get a text from me yesterday afternoon. He knew I was still alive. I told him that God wouldn't let me cut more than I did. I could have done way more damage than I did. I also told him that it's only by the grace of God I'm alive at all. If God wasn't constantly working in my life, keeping me going, I wouldn't be here. I can say that with 100% confidence. Fr. Greg asked me to hang on for the next 3 weeks until I leave for Austria, and I promised him I would do my best.
So, this definitely isn't all we talked about, but it was a really fruitful conversation, as it almost always is. I praise the Lord for Fr. Greg. He doesn't know this, but I would've killed myself a long time ago if God hadn't brought him into my life.
With the whole suicide thoughts thing, I know they are there and they definitely sound more serious than they are. I know that suicide thoughts are very serious and cannot be taken lightly. They are there and sometimes I want to go through with it, but I don't have a plan and I'm NOT going to do it. I am going to the doctor next week to hopefully get those taken care of. I think it's one of the medications I'm on. Fr. Greg has been one of the main reasons I've held on. I wouldn't want him to find out that I'd done something stupid through Facebook or a random phone call. I would never want him to think that all he did for me wasn't enough. It's kept me alive for the past 2 years because of how much God works through him.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." -Maria Robinson
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