Starting Over

I got to day 108 and it was a pretty good day. Then, I messed up. On Monday night, I cut. I'd just had enough fighting the urge. I had to fight so hard for every single one of those 109 days. I just decided to quit. I felt like absolute shit after doing it and knowing that I had to go to Mass with my household the next morning, I knew I had to get to Confession.

I went that night and went to Fr. Rick, who's the priest who prayed over me in July. I hadn't been to Confession with him in a really long time, so as soon as I sat down, I think he kinda knew. I sat down and instantaneously started crying. He gave me a little time to calm down and then said "Catherine, talk to me. What happened?" All I had to say was "I screwed up" and I feel like I saw his heart break right in front of my face. He said "You cut?" and I said "Yeah..." He then asked me how long I'd gone and I told him 3 months. He said it was awesome that I'd gone like 90 days and I told him it had actually been 109. He was shocked. He was like "CATHERINE! God is so with you! You couldn't have gone that long without Him. I was really worried about you almost all summer. It was touch and go for a while. I was afraid that one day, I wasn't going to see you." I told him that honestly, it really still is touch and go.

We talked a while longer, I cried more, and then as he was giving me absolution, he put his hand on my head and said the prayer of absolution with so much intensity that again, I broke down yet again. At the end, he asked me if he could give me a hug. I told him of course and he hugged me. He whispered in my ear "You are good. Stop believing you're not. He loves you so much more than you could even imagine. I know you don't believe that, but it's the truth. Trust me." I started to cry harder and he just held me for a minute. It was the most loved I've felt in a while.

I sent him an e-mail last night telling him kinda where I was at. I tried to go to praise and worship and I couldn't be in there for more than 15 minutes. I just felt so guilty. I know that in God's eyes, it's like I never cut, but I couldn't handle it. I left in tears. I let Fr. Rick know in the e-mail and how I wasn't really sure where to go from here, but I said it was all up to God. Here's the response I got from him this morning:

"Over 100 days!!  think about that, it's amazing...miraculous...a sure sign that God is with you, helping you, loving you.  You could not have done that on your own.  God's Spirit is alive in you! Start counting now and let's string another 100 together, the first 40 or so can be a little Christmas gift you present to baby Jesus.  :) God's peace be yours! Fr. Rick"

 

I'm crying now, sitting here just typing it. Fr. Rick didn't have to do anything for me. He didn't have to offer to talk to a counselor for me. He didn't have to take my blades when I handed them to him that night over the summer. He didn't have to check on me in my car later that night. He didn't have to pray over me. He didn't have to do anything for me, but he has done all this stuff and honestly, it gets me through a lot of the time. I think one big reason I wouldn't be able to take my own life is because I can't imagine Fr. Rick hearing that I'd done it from someone. I also can't imagine how Fr. Greg would ever find out, being 5 hours away from here. I don't know. These two men have been so influential in my life and I thank God for them every day. I literally could never do that to them, let alone my family and friends.

So, today's struggles are offered up for Fr. Greg and Fr. Rick and all of their intentions (That's one benefit of being Catholic...redemptive suffering!)

It's day 2 and I'm gonna keep going strong.