Tonight's one of those nights...One of those nights where things just seem to suck. I'm having a really hard time. I feel like inside me there's all this crap, and cutting is the only way to get it out. That's how I always felt before I stopped cutting, but tonight, all I want to do is grab a blade and drag it across my arm. Then I look at my tattoo and remember what it stands for. It is a reminder that even when I don't feel loved, I am actually loved. I am loved by God, my parents, my friends, Fr. Greg, Fr. Rick, Fr. Mike, and so many other people.
I look at my arm and see scars from my elbow to my wrist and honestly, that scares me. I don't ever want to go back to that. I know that cutting is an evil lie and I never want to do it again, but nights like tonight, I feel like it's the only way that I can feel better. I'm feeling down because I'm really tired. I was gone all day yesterday leading a retreat for 400 teens in the Diocese of Steubenville. The retreat was 2 1/2 hours away and we got back at 1am this morning, so I'm exhausted. I'm also kinda down because I haven't been getting along with my household sisters as much as I would like to. I guess that's just what happens when you live with friends you see ALL the time. It's a challenge sometimes, but most of the time, it's great. One sister in particular is driving me nuts, but otherwise, things are okay there.
I think I'm just going to go pray the Rosary and see what happens.
3 weeks from today is day 108.
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