A Post By Megan

First of all, Merry Christmas. It's 7am here in Ohio and I'm still slightly jet lagged, so that's why I am awake. We agreed that we'd get up at 8:30 to do gifts, so I have to wait. Hahaha. May the newborn Christ child bring you hope, joy, and especially peace.

I want to share with you a blog post written by one of the WONDERFUL students that came on mission to Romania in October. Her name is Megan and I am so blessed to have been able to share my love of Romania with someone like her. She is a student at Belmont Abbey College and transferred to Franciscan just for the semester so that she could study abroad in Austria. She is someone with an amazing heart. Check out her blog post about her experience on mission in Romania:

http://createdforhim3.blogspot.com/2012/12/romania.html

Megan had a similar experience to what I had, but it was in my experience that I found my calling to missionary life. I'd never been on a mission trip before and actually, I had no idea where Romania was. I agreed to go before I even looked at a map to find it. I cannot be more grateful to God for His leading me to Romania in April 2011 and His guidance in establishing a permanent mission in Romania and now - the new orphanage! It was while in Romania that I found my purpose in life. I knew God created me to love on these babies for more than just a week while on a mission trip. He has called me to this for at least the next few years.

My Heart Hurts

The only way to describe what's going on right now is to say that my heart hurts. There is so many things that my heart is just breaking over right now.

I leave Romania in a mere 2 weeks. I will only be in the States for like 2 months, but I don't want to go home. I feel like I'm doing something good with my life here. At home...not so much. I'm going to be doing fundraising for the new orphanage, but still. It's gonna be hard not being with the kids.

I just finished this AWESOME book called "Redeeming Love" that was recommended to me by someone in Austria. It took me 4 days to read the whole book. It's a novel based on the story of the prophet Hosea, and seriously. Every single person should read it. But, in reading it, it put an even worse longing in my heart for the spousal love that I finding myself longing for. It's ridiculous. I've never felt such a desire for that love before, but it's there. Maybe it's God reminding me how much I need him. I don't know. It's just got me down. Reminds me of some Tenth Ave. lyrics: "Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?" '

Still struggling with the urge to cut, but hanging strong. 13 days from now, I will be one year clean.

A Weird Spot

Not really feeling like explaining in detail what's going on, but everything that could be going wrong seems to be doing just that. I miss my ex like crazy (which that relationship was SO unhealthy it’s not even funny), my depression’s coming back hardcore, the urge to self-injure has returned too. It’s bad. And after a 3-hour talk and cry session with one of the Franciscan priests at FUS’ campus in Austria, he told me that if things get worse than they are, I need to end my mission work early and go home because I have absolutely no resources here. 

I don’t want to go home early. At least here in Romania I feel like I’m doing something positive with my life. If I go home...well, it's not gonna end well.  Please just pray I can make it through the next couple weeks.

Tenth Ave North’s lyrics seem to be a pretty good fit for how I’m feeling: “I’m tired. I’m worn. My heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve let my hope fail. My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world. And I know that you can give me rest, so I cry out with all that I have left: Let me see Redemption win, let me know the struggle ends, that you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn. I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life and all that’s dead inside can be reborn ‘cause I’m worn.”

A Different Person

I just finished reading my blog all the way through from the very beginning. Holy shit. I am a completely different person than I used to be and thank God for that. I hate the person I used to be. The person that I was when I first started college...I don't even know who that person was. She was crazy and I honestly say that I hate who I used to be. I am who I am and the only person I care what they think of me is the Lord. I live my life for His glory and for no one else.

As I was reading through it, some of the blog posts, I can almost put myself in the exact spot I was when I was writing them, whether it was at Xavier in my dorm room, or at home after I had ankle surgery, or at Franciscan, or even studying in Austria. And with being able to do that, I was also able to remember exactly how I felt at that moment. It was weird. I know this sounds really messed up, but part of me misses when I was cutting. I became comfortable in my addiction. That's why it was so hard for me to stop. Part of me misses the crippling depression. As much as I hated the feeling, I became used to it.

I am still afraid to tell myself I'm happy. I'm afraid that it will all be stripped away as soon as I do. I love what I do, but life as a missionary isn't perfect. I promise you that. I have struggled with prayer IMMENSELY since being here. We can thank the enemy for that one, but he can F off because the battle's already been won. My chains are gone and I'm never taking them back.

I'm taking a vacation from mission work and going to visit Franciscan's Austrian campus next week for Thanksgiving. I'm really looking forward to being with some Americans and to visit the place where my life was changed forever :)

Where Things Are At

So, lots has been going on in Romania. First, the big announcement I shared via Facebook last week: Fr. Remus (the Romanian priest I work for) and I are going to start a Catholic orphanage here in Turt and I'm going to be the director. That means I'm going to be in Romania for a while and I am BEYOND pumped about it. I never would have imagined that the idea Fr. Remus and I had been throwing around for a while would actually begin to become a reality.  Second, 2 groups of Franciscan students came from Austria to Romania for mission trips. It was a huge blessing for me to have some Americans around for a few days.

Here's where things get hard. I am the only person my age in the town I live in. It's a common thing in Romania that when a person graduates high school, they MIGHT go to college, but they are more likely to move abroad to work. So, that means I am the only person around my age here. I have some friends in the high school and I have Fr. Remus' wife (he's a Greek Catholic/Byzantine rite priest, so he can be married. Stop freaking out) and I am so grateful for her. She's a wonderful woman who is so much fun to be with. Then there is Claudia, who is 29 and one of my favorite people ever. But, it's just been rough lately being the only person my age. I'm hoping and praying that another person wants to come here long term. I could really use having a person or 2 around to help me out, especially when the new orphanage stuff is going on.

I also just have this longing in my heart to be loved. I know that the kids love me and the people I serve love me, but there is just this want for spousal love. It's ridiculous. I people I know getting engaged or married and I can't help but want that. I know God's love is sufficient and all that, but I can't help but want to be loved like that. I know that God's put it on hold so I can serve the people of Romania with all my heart, but I just can't help it sometimes.

I love my job so much and it is so rewarding. Sometimes though, it gets lonely, but I keep on pressing on through the rough times like I always do.

A mere 32 days from today, I will be one year clean of cutting. And 2 days after that, I head home to Cincinnati for Christmas. I will be coming back to Romania the first week of February.

"Missionary zeal does not grow out of intellectual beliefs, nor out of theological arguments, but out of love." -Rolland Allen

Moved By Mercy - Matthew West

This song...So good. It's amazing how much this song is my prayer so much of the time and how the Lord always responds this way.

Life in Romania isn't 100% dandy all the time. I have had the Lord show me things that hurt my heart to the point of tears. I have heard stories of the terrors of Communism in this place. I have also had the enemy try to take me back to where I used to be. I'm not 100% better. I stopped cutting 9 1/2 months ago, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it or that the urge is gone. It also doesn't mean the lies don't run rampant in my head at night. They do. I am better than I one was, but I still have a long way to go. I long for the day when I truly believe the lies are lies and that I am worthy to be loved because the Lord made me worthy. But right now, the Lord is using me to love his children who were abandoned by the people He gave them to. So, it's not about me and my shit. It's about the kids at the orphanage and the people in the parish that I minister to.

Lord, let my heart be moved by mercy.

She said “I keep having the same dream 

Close my eyes and I’m chasing a younger me 

Try to wrap my arms around her 

Shield her from the hell that found her 

But I’m always just a little too late 

I see the tears falling down her face 

How come no one protected 

The little girl that the world rejected” 

Oh, where do you go when you can’t go back 

Can’t save the past 

And she cries in the middle of the night 

“Take me far away now 

From this broken place now 

Somewhere they can’t hurt me 

I wanna be moved by Mercy 

Jesus, I can’t see You 

I just know I need You

Help me start a new life 

Let my heart be moved by Mercy” 

“I used to be a future burning bright 

Now I’m just another sleepless night” 

All the hurt that you hide behind that door 

I’m not gonna let it hurt you anymore 

“For so long I thought You abandoned me 

Now I’m starting to see things differently” 

I’m the one who began a good work in you 

And I’m the one who is gonna see it through 

I’ll see you through 

“Take me far away now 

From this broken place now 

Somewhere they can’t hurt me 

I wanna be moved by Mercy 

Jesus, I can’t see You 

I just know I need You

Help me start a new life 

Let my heart be moved by Mercy”

For so long I felt so unworthy 

But in My arms all your shame is moved by mercy 

So here I stand, a child undeserving 

Take My hand and let your life be moved by mercy

“Take me far away now (I'll take you far away)

From this broken place now (From every broken place)

Somewhere they can’t hurt me 

I wanna be moved by Mercy 

Jesus, I can’t see You (I'm watching over you)

I just know I need You (I'm gonna carry you)

Help me start a new life 

Let my heart be moved by Mercy”

Quick Update

Life is very blessed here in Romania. Being a missionary is amazing. The kids at the orphanage are incredible and it's all just SO good! I've had my hard times here, but I am doing what God wants me to do, so I know He's got my back. 

The best place to keep up to date with my time here is my Romania blog. 

www.doawesomethingsromania.blogspot.com

Radio Maria Interview

I am safe and sound in Romania. Things here are amazing and super blessed. Please check out my other blog for more life updates.

Here is the link to my Radio Maria interview 2 weeks ago. I had a great time with Mark and sharing my story. This was something I did not to glorify myself or what I am doing. It was to glorify God for all that He has done in my life.

http://radiomaria.us/crossroads/2012/08/07/august-7-2012-catherine-england/

Romania blog

My new life as a permanent missionary in Romania begins in just a few days. I will be trying to post on my missionary blog once every week or so. I don't know how often I'll be able to update this one, so please make sure you check that blog out. That's where my life updates will be.

www.doawesomethingsromania.blogspot.com

The End of a Chapter

Well, I'm back home. I officially have my degree after having to take one last class and I am leaving for Romania in TEN DAYS!!!

*On Tuesday night (8/7) at 7pm EST, I will be interviewed on a national Catholic radio station. You can listen online at www.radiomaria.us. I will also post the link once it's recorded so if you can't listen to it live, you can hear it there.

My relationship with the Lord had been pretty much shit after Tyler died. I was super upset. I was beginning to question EVERYTHING. I didn't know why God chose me to go to Romania. I was afraid I was gonna fail at this whole missionary thing.

It all started last Sunday. Last Sunday, Fr. Dominic's homily was about the Gospel, which was the Miracle of the Feeding of the 5,000. Most of the time, the priest preaches about the Eucharist. This time, Fr. Dominic talked about the boy who had the 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread that Jesus multiplied. I RARELY remember homilies, but this one, I won't ever forget. He spoke about how that boy left his home that day never in a million years thinking that he would be used in one of the greatest miracles of Jesus' public ministry. He was just a regular kid. But he had what Christ needed. Fr. Dominic said to conclude the homily "You are enough" and left it at that. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

On Tuesday, I went to Confession with Fr. Shawn. I first met Fr. Shawn on a retreat in February. He was assigned to Franciscan and has been in Steubenville. I went to Confession 4 times to him this summer. He reminds me a lot of Fr. Rick. He is super compassionate and was extremely encouraging. Because my relationship with God had been so messed up, I was confessing doing the same crap. He caught onto that 2 weeks ago. When I went to Confession this past Tuesday, he was like "Tell me what's really going on with you." I asked him if he REALLY wanted to know. He said yes, so I spilled my guts. It then somehow came up that I was going to Romania in a couple weeks. He asked me if I really was ready for that. I said that I was and he asked me if I'd talk to him once before I left. I agreed.

On Thursday, I had my meeting with Fr. Shawn. He wanted to know more about me and this whole Romania thing. I told him about my past and my time at Franciscan. He asked about my mission stuff and at the end he said "In Confession, we see the worst of people. Because I didn't really know much about you, when you said you were leaving, I thought that was a bad idea. Now, I know this is the Lord's will for you and you must go. You have a beautiful heart and you are an amazing woman. You will change Romania." My heart was so at peace after he said that.

On Friday, I had my last spiritual direction with Fr. Brad. We talked, he said that I would be fine, and then as he was praying over me, he received a word from the Lord. The Lord said "I will be with you and my angels will walk with you every step of the way. You are doing my will and I am so proud. Know my love for you and be at peace in My love." To hear those words, I know I will never have a doubt about doing missionary work.

Then on Friday night, my friends Jose, Josh, Collin, Brian, and Craig came into Steubenville. So, we got even more people together and went out to the Hofbrauhaus in Pittsburgh to celebrate my finishing school and Jose being accepted to seminary. It was amazing to have some of my closest friends to celebrate with.

Just a few of the amazing people I celebrated with

To top off an amazing week, as I was packing on Saturday, I was finally able to do something I didn't think I would be able to. I threw away every single one of my blades. It was crazy. I saw them when I was getting books of a shelf. I picked them up, looked at them, and just threw them away. Fr. Greg was constantly encouraging me to get rid of them. I texted him yesterday when I did. This was his response.

I am 236 days clean. A week from today, I will be 8 months cut-free.

This last week has been amazingly blessed and I'm finally back on the right track with the Lord. And I am so happy about that.

Steady my Heart - Kari Jobe

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much


But You're here
You're real
I know I can trust You


Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart 


I'm not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way that You plan


And I will run to You
You're my refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are


You steady my heart

Super Angry Rant

I swear to you, if another person tells me that I shouldn't feel the way I do because nothing super devastating has ever really happened in my life, I’m going to shake them so hard that their brain is liquid by the time I’m done.

I’m sorry that I have depression that’s based on my brain chemistry (It's genetic. My mom and brother both have depression) and is then affected by life events. I've dealt with it for 9 years and never have had any real relief from it. No medication has helped. Ever. And it’s taken 5 different counselors for me to find one I like and for him to actually be able to help me. 

I may have a theology degree from Franciscan, but my life is far from fucking perfect and my relationship with God isn't any good. Life is not all fine and dandy just because I go here. In fact, it’s harder because instead of getting shitfaced drunk all the time like I was at Xavier, I’m dealing with my shit the right way.

I’m sorry that you think that you think the fact that I cut myself for 3 1/2 years was me being over dramatic. Until the day you put a blade to your skin and make yourself bleed to make the emotional pain go away, don’t even begin to fucking judge me. You have no idea how much pain you have to be in to do that to yourself. And I’m not talking just once. I’m talking multiple times a day for years. And even though I haven’t cut in 223 days, I still have the urge to cut. EVERY.SINGLE.FUCKING.DAY! You think that’s me being over dramatic? Do you realize that if I wrote down for you what goes through my head every night, you’d be horrified? Do you realize that I think I am a complete piece of shit and that no one can ever actually love me? Do you realize that I believe I am a total failure of a human being?

Do you REALLY think I want to be like this? I would do anything to get the tiniest bit of relief from this darkness that’s hung over me for the last 9 years. I don’t even know what being happy means anymore.

Spend one night in my head and you’d crack. I’ve been doing it for 9 years. Don’t tell me I’m weak. Don’t you even start to judge me. Fuck off.

The end.

Saying Goodbye to Fr. Rick

Today, I had to say my last goodbye to Fr. Rick. He has been appointed the director of formation for the Order of Friars Minor (one of the orders of Franciscans) in Boston and today was his last day in Steubenville. I did special ministries for the youth conference this weekend, so I knew I'd get to see him today, which made me happy. I caught him right before he left. He hugged me, I thanked him for all he has done for me. I thanked him for all the hours of talking with me and all the prayers he's said for me. He knew that I wasn't expecting to make it to graduation when he first met me. He said that he has never been more proud of anyone walking across the stage. I started to tear up and he hugged me again. All I could say was "Thank you for saving my life." Then he started to tear up. Talk about a mess. Hahaha. 

The best thing said during our conversation was in response to me saying, "Thanks for whooping my ass into shape." He right away responded to "I didn't whoop your ass into shape. I prayed your ass into shape." It's only by the prayers of those who I love that here I am, 215 days clean, and leaving for Romania in exactly one month. He made me promise to love those kids in Romania like God made me to. I didn't even hesitate to agree :)

I wouldn't be here if it weren't for the constant love and prayers of Fr. Rick. He loved me when I needed it most. He helped pick me up when I constantly fell flat on my face. I'm really glad that the Lord used such an amazing, holy priest to be my biggest supporter at Franciscan.

Fr. Rick is going to be in Lourdes, France in October and I'm hoping to be able to travel there to see him. Please pray that can happen :)

The Week from Hell

Well, the last 8 days have been pure hell, to put it nicely. It's a very long story with lots of details, so just trust me when I say it was bad. I was already beginning to spiral downward when I got the news of Tyler's death, so when I got the news, things only got worse. Everyday has been so ridiculously hard. I've cried more than I ever thought I could. I've wanted to cut so bad, but every night, I've ended up crying myself to sleep.

I had a really good talk with Fr. Greg last night. He called at about 11pm to check up on me. I texted him on Saturday night that Tyler had died, but he hadn't heard from me since then. He got me to talk about Tyler, the stuff going on with my family, my anger at God, my mission work, etc. He knows what a horrible week I've had, so then he asked me if I'd cut. I said no and he started laughing. I asked him why he was laughing and he said that he was astounded that I'd gone through a week of pure hell and hadn't cut. I don't think it's that big of a deal, but he does. He told me that as a recovering alcoholic, he gets it (he will be 18 years sober tomorrow). He said that he was literally speechless because with everything life's thrown at me in the last 208 days, I haven't cut. He once again told me how I am the person he respects the most. He said that my strength is inspiring.

He always tells me that I'm good and I am loved when we talk. I told him that I'm at a place right now where I think that's bullshit. He told me that if he didn't love me and think my life was worth it, he wouldn't still be around. For 3 1/2 years, he's dealt with me. He's seen me at my best and he's seen me at my absolute worst. He's been there for me when no one else was. He really is the truest example of Christ in my life.

Once again, Fr. Greg saves the day. He's such an amazing person and I'm so blessed to be able to call him one of my best friends.

Today's second reading at Mass seems pretty appropriate: for what's going on with me
“A thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” -2 Corinthians 12:7-10

He's Gone...

This is my friend Tyler. He graduated this year with me. He was getting ready to go to Malawi, Africa to serve as a missionary. Well, he died  last night. He was riding his bike when his heart gave out. Please pray for the repose of his soul, for his family, for his friends, and our Franciscan University community. 

I received a text from a friend while doing special ministries at the youth conference last night. I was about to take a girl out at the very end when I saw it. I had to have someone else take her out. I just stood there, completely numb, and then it slowly started to sink in. All I could do was cry. Fr. Rick was at the conference, he saw me pretty upset and he already knew. He came over to me. I didn't want to talk, but after some prodding, he got me to talk and got me somewhat calmed down. He also made me promise not to cut. Praise the Lord for that man and all that he's done for me. 

The hardest thing I had to do was tell my friend Kevin, who started Missions of Hope (the organization I'm going to Romania with and Tyler was going to Africa with). Kevin and his wife, Kara, are also going to Malawi. I didn't want Kevin to find out on Facebook, so I texted him (he's on his honeymoon). I asked him if he had heard about Tyler, and he hadn't and asked me what was going on. I told him and he immediately called me. Kevin was in tears asking me what the hell we are supposed to do. I told him that I have no idea and that crying is all I can do right now. 

I barely slept last night. I cried almost constantly for 7 hours. My eyes are swollen and I still have a headache. I can't believe he's gone...And now I have to go back to the youth conference. 

Lord, 

I don't understand why, but I know Tyler is home now. Please comfort his family and friends in this time of heartache. And Lord, please help me. 

Sanctuary - Paradise Fears

This song has been the one I've turned to a lot lately.





Go ahead and lie to yourself,
and pretend that you're a ray of light when you're a broken candle.
You're keeping time with yourself,
when'd it all start moving way too fast for you to handle?
You're short on breath but heavy on time, 
You lost the words, but you found the rhyme.
It's all just poetry now.

The walls are singing, "Hallelujah, amen."

It's so dark in the room, and the ceilings are high,
You know the feeling, you've been here before,
And it's a broken old pew, and it's an echoing cry,
Don't sell yourself short,
On breath, but heavy on time,
You lost the words but you found the rhyme.
It's all just poetry now.

The walls are singing, "Hallelujah, amen."

See, we don't really care who you are,
We've kind of got this non-exclusive policy of determining exactly
who we open up to and let into our family,
and then who becomes a part of our united mass or harmony,
And that's kind of become the thesis to this song, 
Because through suffering, acceptance, grief, and strife,
There's no way that your puzzle piece fits into our puzzle wrong,
because everyone is welcome on this stage that we call life.

And we don't really care who you are, 
everyone is capable of looking up and wishing on a star,
so catch it, so contagious, this day-dreamer's disease, 
and hope can be your sword, slaying darkness with belief,

And we don't really care who you are,
regardless of how lost you are returning from, regardless of how far,
bring me all the worst of your broken, bruised, insane,
because that's the things with music, when it hits, you feel no pain,
No matter what you did, I promise we forgave it,
When all that's left is your voice, you've got no choice but to raise it,
All you broken hearts, all you dejected dreams,
Just let yourself be free because even broken wings can fly away.

In time you'll find, this life's a painting and you're the artist,
Just open your eyes, it's never too late to clear your canvas,
So paint me jealous, paint me rage, for God's sake paint me anything, just paint.
Your brush awaits.

The walls are singing, "Hallelujah, amen."
The walls sing you to sleep.
One secret meant to keep you safe tonight,
I swear that everything will be alright.

So Close

I was SO close to cutting last night. Out of no where I was triggered and it was bad. I reached out to a few people but got no response. I tried to distract myself, but after about 20 minutes, I couldn't handle the urge. I grabbed a blade, ready to make myself bleed, put it to my arm, but for some reason, I didn't.

I should be proud that I didn't cut, right? Well, I'm not. I still feel like shit.


200 days cut-free on Saturday.

A New Piece of Armor

I think I have posted this before, but these 3 verses are from St. Paul's letter to the Ephesians: " Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we are not contending against flesh and blood, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." (Ephesians 6:11-13). These verses are just the beginning of a 10-verse discourse that St. Paul writes about protecting yourself from the workings of the enemy. It's long and if you get me explaining exactly what St. Paul is talking about in all of the other verses, well, I'll never get to the point of this post. 

So, since I got my first tattoo in February 2010, I've been saying that if I hit 6 months cut-free, I would get another tattoo. And a big one. Well, I hit 6 months about a week ago and on Monday, I got my "newest piece of armor." I got the Benedictine medal tattooed on my right shoulder blade. For those of you who don't know what a Benedictine medal is, it's looks like this: 

Each of the letters are the beginning of a word in Latin of a very powerful prayer. It's a prayer of exorcism and protection. Here's a translation: On the arms of the cross are the initial letters of a rhythmic Latin prayer: Crux sacra sit mihi lux! Nunquam draco sit mihi dux! (May the holy cross be my light! May the dragon never be my guide!). In the angles of the cross, the letters C S P B stand for Crux Sancti Patris Benedicti (The cross of our holy father Benedict). Above the cross is the word pax (peace), that has been a Benedictine motto for centuries. Around the margin of the back of the medal, the letters V R S N S M V - S M Q L I V B are the initial letters, as mentioned above, of a Latin prayer of exorcism against Satan: Vade retro Satana! Nunquam suade mihi vana! Sunt mala quae libas. Ipse venena bibas! (Begone Satan! Never tempt me with your vanities! What you offer me is evil. Drink the poison yourself!)

Technically, I am a walking exorcism prayer. Hahahaha. But in all seriousness, I got this as a reminder to me that the Lord will always protect me and that He won the battle a long time ago on Calvary. Satan will tempt me and try to get me back in his grasp, but I have a powerful prayer permanently on me. I got it on my right shoulder blade because I am right handed and I would always cut with my right hand. It's kind of a stupid reason, but yeah. 

My tattoo artist did an amazing job. It took 2 1/2 hours of a hell of a lot of pain, but it was completely worth it. At this point, this is the best picture I've got of it. I'll post a picture once it's healed. 

So Humbled and So Blessed

I have been literally left speechless by the work that the Lord has done the past 3 days. I am on special ministries for the youth conferences, which means that when a kid has a major breakdown and needs to be taken out of the conference during the Eucharistic Procession, I am responsible for taking them out and praying with them.

Last night was incredible. It was the typical "intense Saturday night" of a retreat and I was by a group of teens who was extremely open to the Spirit. About halfway through the hour long procession in the fieldhouse, one of the teens with this group asked me if I would pray with her. I told her to find me after the night was done and I would pray with her. About 5 minutes later, one of the other teens in this same group caught my eye. I don't know why, but the Lord told me blatantly that I needed to speak with him. So, I spoke to his youth minister and told her that I needed to speak with him after I prayed with this other girl. I prayed with Alexa and it was beautiful. The Spirit spoke through me like I've never experienced. I also was shown an image of His Sacred Heart and how on fire with love it was for her. After we were done praying, she was in tears, but she said that there was so much more peace and she knew what she needed to do. She hugged me and thanked me.

Then, I spoke with Caleb, the young man that the Lord wanted me to speak to. I told him that I didn't really know why, but that I was supposed to talk to him. I sat down with him and the youth minister and I asked him what brought him to the conference. He said that his girlfriend brought him, so I dug a little deeper. I asked him what was going on in his life because he had been crying pretty hard during the procession. He told me how he'd been abandoned by everyone, his mom is really sick, and how he hates his life. I knew I was getting somewhere. The Lord then urged me to ask him how he dealt with all this stuff. He said smoking and some drinking. I prodded a little more. He pulled up his sleeve and down his arm were like 20 cuts that had been made just a few days before. It was right then I knew why the Lord wanted me to talk to him. I then pulled up my sleeve to show him the 7 inch scar that goes down my left forearm. I told him that I understood. It was then that he began to cry again. I told him a little bit about my own story and that God wouldn't be a magic fix, but that He is what saved me and healed me. He then revealed to me his multiple suicide attempts. My heart ached for him. I've never felt anything like it. I, myself, just wanted to cry. I asked him to do me a favor. I asked him that the next time he wants to cut, to put the blade down and tell the Lord how he's feeling. I then prayed with Caleb, he asked me for a hug, and we parted ways.

Then, this morning, I was approached by his youth minister. She began to tear up and said that Caleb hadn't said more than a sentence to anyone the whole weekend, but after I spoke and prayed with him, he testified to the entire group he was with (which was probably over 40 teens) about our conversation and our prayer together. I just stood there. I couldn't believe what she was telling me. She said that Caleb felt that no one could ever understand how he felt and that once he knew someone felt how he did, he was able to trust me, and then this morning, he went up to the altar call when the priest asked for any men who felt that they may have a religious vocation to come forward.

I also was given confirmation by another youth minister that I have been given the gift of healing. PRAISE GOD FOR THAT!!! I can't even tell you how humbled I was by this weekend and everything that happened. This is the major glory story of the weekend. There are many other little ones. And I get to do this 3 more times!

Please pray for Alexa and Caleb.

All I have ever wanted was to be used by the Lord and to have been given the confirmation this morning of how much I had helped Caleb and Alexa, it made me realize that He is doing exactly that.

A Real Smile

I was looking through the pictures of me on Facebook last night and I found something. I found a picture of me with a genuine smile on my face. It was taken the morning of graduation. I look happy in all the other pictures, but this one just really radiates who I am when I'm happy. I was surprised when I looked at it to see that real smile because it hadn't been out in a while. My smile in all those other pictures may look the same, but there's just something about this picture. Maybe my zeal for life really is being restored?

22

Today is my 22nd birthday. It's so anti-climactic after 21. Hahaha.

 But seriously, It's a birthday I was never more afraid I wouldn't reach. After the way things were last summer and this past fall, I thought that I wasn't gonna make it. Well, here I am. I am here because of the amazing support system I've had the last year. The Lord gave me those people to get through it.

I am leaving for Romania earlier than planned. I'm leaving around August 15. I'm so ready :D

On Tuesday, I will be 6 MONTHS CUT-FREE!

Damaged People

"Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive." -Josephine Hart

This quote is so true in my own life. I'm realizing that because of what I've been through, I know I can get through anything. Of course there are days I want to quit, but God gives me the strength to get through it. I'm damaged and I'm broken, but you know what? I'm starting to accept that. There's a reason God allowed the last 4 years of my life to be the way they were. I'm not blaming Him at all. The choice to cut was mine and 99.9% of the time, I allowed the Enemy to win. But, there is a reason that this is my cross to bear. And as Christ said in the Gospel of Matthew, "If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."

170 days cut-free.

"You Are A Person"

“If you struggle with self-injury, you are not a ‘cutter’. You are a person. You are not only your pain. You are not only wounds and scars. You are also better things. You are possibility and promise, hope and healing, daydreams, favorite books and favorite songs. You are the people that you love and people who love you. You are hope and change and things worth fighting for. This is all your story and your story isn’t over.” -TWLOHA


I'm afraid I'll always see myself as a cutter. 157 days cut-free. It should be a part of my past now. But it's not. Now that the reality of the fact that I'm done with college is sinking in, so is the fear. Am I really going to Romania to help or am I going to run away? I'm back home and last night was bad. I looked at my scars and thought about adding more. I wanted to cut so bad, but for some reason, I didn't. 


I couldn't help but wonder why people even bother with me. I'm going to see Fr. Greg on Tuesday and all I can think about is how much he's put up with from me. I wonder why he's put up with me and my friends are my friends. I wish I could see what other people see in me. People are always telling me I'm great, strong, happy, etc. Well, I don't see myself as any of those...

Graduation Festivties

On Saturday , May 12, 2012, I graduated from Franciscan University of Steubenville with a Bachelor's degree in Theology. On that same day, I was 5 months cut-free.

With the one and only, Fr. Rick

Emily, me, and Erinn at the Hofbrauhaus after graduation.
They are two of the most amazing women I know.

5,000 Views

Right now, my blog has been looked at exactly 5,000 times. That's 5,000 different occasions that someone came to my blog, whether on accident or on purpose, just looking for someone who understands. That's 5,000 times that people have become a part of my story. And it blows my mind. I have a few people who read my blog on a regular basis and there are a few who have said that it's helped them, especially when they feel so alone. I'm the same way. It's nice to know that in your darkest moment that someone else knows how you feel.

A "Wounded Healer"

Tonight after praise and worship, I was prayed over by Sr. Eliana and my friends Nolan and Sam. I asked for prayers for healing from the wounds on my heart from all the years of cutting as well as freedom from the lies that are constantly running through my head. They began to pray over me and it was beautiful. I could feel the anointing of the Holy Spirit falling on us. Nolan prayed and then he received a word from the Lord. God first said that I will be His instrument and I will do more amazing things than I ever could imagine. Then the Lord said that I will be a "wounded healer," which is pretty much exactly what I needed to hear. After a few more minutes, Sr. Eliana confirmed this by saying that my wounds will never go away, just as Christ's never will. But I  must unite my wounds with Christ's and heal the broken. I have to be patient with myself and accept my wounds. That reminded me of what I came to realize last August when praying with my friend Manuel. I realized that broken people help heal broken people. So, I am going to ask the Lord to grant me the gift of healing because I know He is calling me to heal Romania.

138 Days

I don't want to fight anymore. I am worn down and all I want to do is cut. It's been 138 days since the last time I cut and the days are only getting harder. I'm tired. I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like God's cast me aside to deal with this on my own. I'm slowly cracking. The one thing that had given me a little bit of hope can't happen. The depression controls me and I don't want to deal with it anymore. I want to run away from it all, but I can't. I can't get out of my own head. What do I do at 2am when all the lies are running through my head and the Enemy is screaming at me to pick up the blade? I cry out to God from the depths of my soul and He stays silent. I've never felt so alone. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being me. How can I ever be a decent missionary like this? Maybe I shouldn't go to Romania. Those kids deserve someone better than me. They deserve someone who can take really good care of them. And that's not me.

Exactly how I'm feeling right now:

"Set Me Free" - Casting Crowns
It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains

Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away

Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free

Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am...

It's Like the Weather

Interviewer: Give us your best tip for overcoming depression.

Stephen Fry: To regard it as being like the weather. It's not your responsibility that it's raining, but it is real when it rains, and the fact that it's raining does not mean that the rain is never going to stop. The only thing to do is to believe that, one day, it won't be raining and accept it so you can find a mental umbrella to shield yourself from the worst. The sun will eventually come up.

--------------------------------


The sad part? I don't believe that. I do believe it's all my fault. I know that's irrational, but welcome to the way my head works.


Struggling a lot right now. The depression is taking over me again. Feeling like God can't love me like this. Feeling like I'm not good enough. Feeling like I am never going to amount to anything. Feeling like I'm going to fail at this whole missionary thing. Feeling like giving up.

Alive - Natalie Grant

I know I've explained why I post songs on here before, but I just want to say it again for anyone who doesn't know. Music is very important to me and one of the ways God speaks to me is through music. There will be times when I get in the car and the PERFECT song comes on the radio. There are times I listen to "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North and I know that's what God is saying to me. Other times, I don't know what to pray, and then I find a song that puts words to my prayer perfectly. I post songs not just for me, but for anyone else who may just need to hear that song.

This song came from the same album as "Broken Praise." This song is written from Mary Magdalene's perspective and it is another one where the lyrics hit my heart. The lyrics are on the video, but here are the ones that really hit me.



What kind of king
Would chose to wear a crown that bleeds and scars
To win my heart?
What kind of Love
Tells me I’m the reason He can’t stay
Inside the grave?


Who could speak,
And send the demons back from where they came
With just one Name?
What other heart
Would let itself be broken every time until He healed mine?
You. Only You.
Could turn my darkness into dawn
Running right into Your arms

Broken Praise - Todd Smith

I had a counseling appointment today and it went pretty well. There were a few tears, but hey, tears are a good thing for me. Joe asked me about my relationship with God and I told him it was rocky and he asked why. I explained to him that I don't blame God for this, but I just wish He would give me a break (I feel like crap is just constantly being thrown at me, so I don't even have time to breathe). Joe said exactly what Fr. Greg has told me many times. I continue to pray and go to God, even in His silence or His allowing me to suffer. Joe said that is true faith. And for the first time today I realized he and Fr. Greg are right. I've gone through SO MUCH SHIT the last 3 1/2 years of my life, but I've never said, "Screw you, God." Well, I have out of anger, but I've never quit on God. And therefore, He hasn't quit on me. And even though I am a broken mess of a human being, I know that God deserves so much praise, not for what He's done, but for who He is. I haven't cut in 124 days, but my depression is almost crippling right now. But despite that, I muster up everything I have and praise Him through the crap.



I recently found this INCREDIBLE Christian music album called "Music Inspired by the Story" and it's songs by famous Christian artists all pretty much directly from Scripture. It is some of the best music I've ever heard. I am able to pray with it and meditate on the stories in which the songs are written about and dang, it's beautiful. I would definitely recommend getting it.

This song is beautiful. It is the story of Job and in listening to it, it hits home. A lot. I wonder a lot about why the God of the ENTIRE universe would wanna mess with me, a broken college kid. And then He reminds me that He made me good and He loves me.

No matter what I've gone through, I have kept my faith. And yeah, when crap happens I might get mad at Him, but NEVER will I decide I don't want Him anymore. Ever.

Like A Losing Battle

A friend wrote this on her blog and I cannot even explain how true this is: "I'm fed up of fighting all this on my own. Feels like a losing battle against my own head."


Here's what sucks about it all: the battle she and I are fighting is one that we have to do on our own. Yeah, we can have people there by our sides to support and encourage us, but in the end, when we're alone late at night, we are the ones who have to fight all the horrible thoughts. And that fight SUCKS. It's emotionally and sometimes physically draining. 


I can't even tell you how many times I have said to Fr. Greg that when this crap goes on, there is no escape. It's not like I can just leave Steubenville for a couple hours and then come back and it all be fine. No matter where I am, those thoughts are there. Here, home, I had them in Haiti, when I was studying in Austria, always. They are always there. And it is so hard. SO hard. 


I can't ever seem to find peace. I don't ever sleep very well. Even in Mass or in front of the Blessed Sacrament, there is no peace. There are nights that I'm laying in bed with tears streaming down my face and I'm begging God, from the absolute depth of my soul, for Him to bring me some kind of peace.


I know God has a reason for all of this. Maybe one day I'll know, maybe I won't know until I get to ask God face to face. All I know is that I want to live for Him and His glory.


Still cut-free. 122 days.

Triggered...

I've been triggered and now it's taking every single ounce of the tiny amount of strength I have left in me not to pick up a blade and rip into my arms. 

All that is running through my head is that I deserve every cut I've ever made and that I deserve more. Part of me just longs for the feeling of the blade running across my skin. I know that sounds sick, and it is, but if you ask any self-injurer, that feeling is indescribable. I don't want to talk to anyone, which is why I guess I'm spilling my guts on here. 

I was fine yesterday. I had a decent day. Most of today was fine. Then, something made me want to cut. I still have blades from when I was cutting last semester, and tonight was the first time I've touched them since December 12. I dug into the box where the package is, pulled one out, and just looked at it. Then through my head ran all the times I've ever cut. It was weird. And I wanted to pick that blade up. I wanted to make myself bleed. And, well, to be completely honest, I still do. I texted Fr. Greg to let him know I was struggling, but I'm not sure I'll get a response. 

When I started this post I had planned on writing down everything that was going through my head. Now I can't even put all that crap into words. This is all I can get out right now. Sorry it's so jumbled. 

I guess we'll see what happens...Either I'll beat day 121 or tomorrow will end up being day 0...

4 months.

Today, I am 4 months cut-free. 120 days. Man, it's crazy. I didn't think I could ever do it, but day by day I am realizing that I am really starting to beat this. I've gone through some REALLY rough nights this last week, but I got through it because of the help of Erinn and Fr. Greg. They have been an incredible support team. There are no words for how grateful I am for them and the way they have stepped it up for me.

I have had 3 phone calls with Fr. Greg in the last week (which is A LOT more than usual. I maybe talk to him once every 2-3 weeks, if that). So, that kinda shows you where I'm at...He's been tough, but has been so compassionate in it all as well. He's reiterated how he's not going to bail on me. He said that if he hasn't left by now, he's not going anywhere. Just to talk to him is calming. Late Thursday, I talked to him and had a vent session. He just let me bust out everything that I'd been letting sit there. I went on a rant about how some of the people here at Franciscan need a humility check. So many people have a "Holier Than Thou" mentality and it pisses me off. I went on this huge long rant about it and then he told me that the cross wasn't pious. It wasn't perfect. It was dirty and nasty. So, he told me to remember that Jesus is able to understand what I'm going through. And I took that with me to Mass on Good Friday. I sat there and thought about how gruesome the cross was and what Jesus would have said to me from the cross. There were a lot of tears that day.

And Erinn. How to describe Erinn. Simply, one of the most phenomenal people I've ever met. She is such a great person to be around. We can just hang out doing something stupid or we can sit and have serious conversations. And I am completely comfortable with telling her I'm struggling. She has encouraged me a lot this week, especially when it comes to talking. I'm not someone who likes to talk about what is really bothering me, but there was one occasion in which she pretty much demanded I call Fr. Greg. She will also randomly text me to check on me and she knows when I'm giving her a bullshit answer. We hang out every single day and I am so grateful for that. She went with me to Haiti too, so we can talk about our "Haitian Baby Fever" together. Hahaha. Erinn, I know you read this. So, from the very bottom of my heart, thank you.

So, that's kinda where I'm at. I've got my ups and my downs, as usual. Some days are almost impossible to get through, but by the grace of God, I can.

I graduate from Franciscan University in 30 days and I'm moving to Romania in 4 months. Man, I can't believe it! Here comes the rest of my life, whether I'm ready for it or not. I'm pretty sure I'm ready ;)