So, after Thanksgiving break, I screwed up. I brought a blade back from home. All day on Monday, the thought consumed my mind that I had a blade in my room and it totally messed up my day. Right before dinner, I cut. Bad. I got the relief I was looking for, seeing the blood and feeling the blade slide across my forearm. I quickly got myself together and went to dinner with my friends as I do every night. As I sat at dinner with my friends, one of my best friends here sent me a text saying "Are you okay? You haven't been yourself today." Well, of course, I lied. I told her I was really tired (which I actually was. I didn't get enough sleep over break).
After dinner, I knew I had to get to Confession. I took the blade, wrapped it in a tissue and put it in my coat pocket. On the way from my dorm to the chapel, I prayed so hard that Fr. Rick would be there. If he wasn't, I was going to walk out. Having Fr. Rick as my normal confessor makes things a little easier. He knows my entire story, so I don't really have to do any explaining. It's also really humbling to have to admit to the same person that you screwed up. So, I sat down next to Fr. Rick and he knew. I know he knew as soon as I came over. I told him I cut and that I was done. I told him I'd done EVERYTHING...4 counselors, taking it to prayer, etc. I told him that I can't do it anymore. He looked at me and said, "Do you remember what your plan was over the summer?" I kinda rolled my eyes and said yes. I had emailed him over the summer when I was cutting really bad that if I kept cutting, I was going to go to St. Louis to S.A.F.E. Alternatives, an impatient hospital for self-injurers. He looked at me and said, "Well, what about that?" I thought about it and started crying. I told him I can't. I can't fall off the face of the earth for 30 days. He asked me why. He then said, "Embarrassing? Humbling?" I just nodded my head. I told him, plus, I'm going to Austria in 6 weeks. That's not enough time. I could barely look at him. He then looked me in the eyes and asked me to hang on and that God hasn't quit on me. He said there have been way worse sinners than me and He held onto them. I kinda protested, saying that I told God for the last 2 years that His Son dying on the Cross wasn't enough. He then said, "Catherine, I'm begging you to hang on just a little longer." I told him I didn't know how much longer I could. He said, "Do it for me." I told him that I'd try. As I thought he was about to give me absolution, he instead put his hand on my head and prayed over me like he did over the summer. I could feel his hand shaking. He asked God to heal my heart, mind, and body. He called for the powerful intercession of the Blessed Mother. He demanded that anything that was not of God, in the name of Jesus Christ, to leave me. It was so freakin' intense. I'm not even kidding. He then gave me absolution and prayed that God would grant me the grace of peace within my heart. He gave me a hug and like a few weeks ago, just held me for a minute. As I was about to get up, I pulled out the blade in my pocket and handed it to him, asking that he get rid of it for me. I knew it'd be REALLY bad if I kept it. As I got up, he whispered to me, "Hang on." So I have. The last 2 days have definitely been hard, but I'm still here because of Fr. Rick. He has been such a blessing. If he wasn't willing to put up with all my shit, I have no idea what I'd do. I wouldn't be here. That's for sure. So, yeah. That's where I am at this point. Just hanging on.
I'm going to see a counselor here at Franciscan on Friday. This guy is highly recommended by a highly trusted friend. She's offered to go with me, so I took her up on it. This counselor Skype's with people in Austria, which is the biggest reason I'm giving it a shot.
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