Sanctuary - Paradise Fears

This song has been the one I've turned to a lot lately.





Go ahead and lie to yourself,
and pretend that you're a ray of light when you're a broken candle.
You're keeping time with yourself,
when'd it all start moving way too fast for you to handle?
You're short on breath but heavy on time, 
You lost the words, but you found the rhyme.
It's all just poetry now.

The walls are singing, "Hallelujah, amen."

It's so dark in the room, and the ceilings are high,
You know the feeling, you've been here before,
And it's a broken old pew, and it's an echoing cry,
Don't sell yourself short,
On breath, but heavy on time,
You lost the words but you found the rhyme.
It's all just poetry now.

The walls are singing, "Hallelujah, amen."

See, we don't really care who you are,
We've kind of got this non-exclusive policy of determining exactly
who we open up to and let into our family,
and then who becomes a part of our united mass or harmony,
And that's kind of become the thesis to this song, 
Because through suffering, acceptance, grief, and strife,
There's no way that your puzzle piece fits into our puzzle wrong,
because everyone is welcome on this stage that we call life.

And we don't really care who you are, 
everyone is capable of looking up and wishing on a star,
so catch it, so contagious, this day-dreamer's disease, 
and hope can be your sword, slaying darkness with belief,

And we don't really care who you are,
regardless of how lost you are returning from, regardless of how far,
bring me all the worst of your broken, bruised, insane,
because that's the things with music, when it hits, you feel no pain,
No matter what you did, I promise we forgave it,
When all that's left is your voice, you've got no choice but to raise it,
All you broken hearts, all you dejected dreams,
Just let yourself be free because even broken wings can fly away.

In time you'll find, this life's a painting and you're the artist,
Just open your eyes, it's never too late to clear your canvas,
So paint me jealous, paint me rage, for God's sake paint me anything, just paint.
Your brush awaits.

The walls are singing, "Hallelujah, amen."
The walls sing you to sleep.
One secret meant to keep you safe tonight,
I swear that everything will be alright.

So Close

I was SO close to cutting last night. Out of no where I was triggered and it was bad. I reached out to a few people but got no response. I tried to distract myself, but after about 20 minutes, I couldn't handle the urge. I grabbed a blade, ready to make myself bleed, put it to my arm, but for some reason, I didn't.

I should be proud that I didn't cut, right? Well, I'm not. I still feel like shit.


200 days cut-free on Saturday.

A New Piece of Armor

I think I have posted this before, but these 3 verses are from St. Paul's letter to the Ephesians: " Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we are not contending against flesh and blood, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." (Ephesians 6:11-13). These verses are just the beginning of a 10-verse discourse that St. Paul writes about protecting yourself from the workings of the enemy. It's long and if you get me explaining exactly what St. Paul is talking about in all of the other verses, well, I'll never get to the point of this post. 

So, since I got my first tattoo in February 2010, I've been saying that if I hit 6 months cut-free, I would get another tattoo. And a big one. Well, I hit 6 months about a week ago and on Monday, I got my "newest piece of armor." I got the Benedictine medal tattooed on my right shoulder blade. For those of you who don't know what a Benedictine medal is, it's looks like this: 

Each of the letters are the beginning of a word in Latin of a very powerful prayer. It's a prayer of exorcism and protection. Here's a translation: On the arms of the cross are the initial letters of a rhythmic Latin prayer: Crux sacra sit mihi lux! Nunquam draco sit mihi dux! (May the holy cross be my light! May the dragon never be my guide!). In the angles of the cross, the letters C S P B stand for Crux Sancti Patris Benedicti (The cross of our holy father Benedict). Above the cross is the word pax (peace), that has been a Benedictine motto for centuries. Around the margin of the back of the medal, the letters V R S N S M V - S M Q L I V B are the initial letters, as mentioned above, of a Latin prayer of exorcism against Satan: Vade retro Satana! Nunquam suade mihi vana! Sunt mala quae libas. Ipse venena bibas! (Begone Satan! Never tempt me with your vanities! What you offer me is evil. Drink the poison yourself!)

Technically, I am a walking exorcism prayer. Hahahaha. But in all seriousness, I got this as a reminder to me that the Lord will always protect me and that He won the battle a long time ago on Calvary. Satan will tempt me and try to get me back in his grasp, but I have a powerful prayer permanently on me. I got it on my right shoulder blade because I am right handed and I would always cut with my right hand. It's kind of a stupid reason, but yeah. 

My tattoo artist did an amazing job. It took 2 1/2 hours of a hell of a lot of pain, but it was completely worth it. At this point, this is the best picture I've got of it. I'll post a picture once it's healed. 

So Humbled and So Blessed

I have been literally left speechless by the work that the Lord has done the past 3 days. I am on special ministries for the youth conferences, which means that when a kid has a major breakdown and needs to be taken out of the conference during the Eucharistic Procession, I am responsible for taking them out and praying with them.

Last night was incredible. It was the typical "intense Saturday night" of a retreat and I was by a group of teens who was extremely open to the Spirit. About halfway through the hour long procession in the fieldhouse, one of the teens with this group asked me if I would pray with her. I told her to find me after the night was done and I would pray with her. About 5 minutes later, one of the other teens in this same group caught my eye. I don't know why, but the Lord told me blatantly that I needed to speak with him. So, I spoke to his youth minister and told her that I needed to speak with him after I prayed with this other girl. I prayed with Alexa and it was beautiful. The Spirit spoke through me like I've never experienced. I also was shown an image of His Sacred Heart and how on fire with love it was for her. After we were done praying, she was in tears, but she said that there was so much more peace and she knew what she needed to do. She hugged me and thanked me.

Then, I spoke with Caleb, the young man that the Lord wanted me to speak to. I told him that I didn't really know why, but that I was supposed to talk to him. I sat down with him and the youth minister and I asked him what brought him to the conference. He said that his girlfriend brought him, so I dug a little deeper. I asked him what was going on in his life because he had been crying pretty hard during the procession. He told me how he'd been abandoned by everyone, his mom is really sick, and how he hates his life. I knew I was getting somewhere. The Lord then urged me to ask him how he dealt with all this stuff. He said smoking and some drinking. I prodded a little more. He pulled up his sleeve and down his arm were like 20 cuts that had been made just a few days before. It was right then I knew why the Lord wanted me to talk to him. I then pulled up my sleeve to show him the 7 inch scar that goes down my left forearm. I told him that I understood. It was then that he began to cry again. I told him a little bit about my own story and that God wouldn't be a magic fix, but that He is what saved me and healed me. He then revealed to me his multiple suicide attempts. My heart ached for him. I've never felt anything like it. I, myself, just wanted to cry. I asked him to do me a favor. I asked him that the next time he wants to cut, to put the blade down and tell the Lord how he's feeling. I then prayed with Caleb, he asked me for a hug, and we parted ways.

Then, this morning, I was approached by his youth minister. She began to tear up and said that Caleb hadn't said more than a sentence to anyone the whole weekend, but after I spoke and prayed with him, he testified to the entire group he was with (which was probably over 40 teens) about our conversation and our prayer together. I just stood there. I couldn't believe what she was telling me. She said that Caleb felt that no one could ever understand how he felt and that once he knew someone felt how he did, he was able to trust me, and then this morning, he went up to the altar call when the priest asked for any men who felt that they may have a religious vocation to come forward.

I also was given confirmation by another youth minister that I have been given the gift of healing. PRAISE GOD FOR THAT!!! I can't even tell you how humbled I was by this weekend and everything that happened. This is the major glory story of the weekend. There are many other little ones. And I get to do this 3 more times!

Please pray for Alexa and Caleb.

All I have ever wanted was to be used by the Lord and to have been given the confirmation this morning of how much I had helped Caleb and Alexa, it made me realize that He is doing exactly that.

A Real Smile

I was looking through the pictures of me on Facebook last night and I found something. I found a picture of me with a genuine smile on my face. It was taken the morning of graduation. I look happy in all the other pictures, but this one just really radiates who I am when I'm happy. I was surprised when I looked at it to see that real smile because it hadn't been out in a while. My smile in all those other pictures may look the same, but there's just something about this picture. Maybe my zeal for life really is being restored?

22

Today is my 22nd birthday. It's so anti-climactic after 21. Hahaha.

 But seriously, It's a birthday I was never more afraid I wouldn't reach. After the way things were last summer and this past fall, I thought that I wasn't gonna make it. Well, here I am. I am here because of the amazing support system I've had the last year. The Lord gave me those people to get through it.

I am leaving for Romania earlier than planned. I'm leaving around August 15. I'm so ready :D

On Tuesday, I will be 6 MONTHS CUT-FREE!