A Long Night

I’m hurting. A lot. For many, many reasons. I’m in a really rough spot with my depression and have been for a while now. Last night was the first time I cried myself to sleep in a very long time. I was sobbing, crying out to Jesus from the depths of my soul. I’m tired of pretending to be okay and be strong. My relationship with God sucks right now and has for the last couple months. I don’t want to pray, I don’t want to go to Mass. In fact, most of the time I don’t want anything do to with Him.

The tears were caused by many things. Not being in Romania is one reason. Being triggered by something I saw on Pinterest is another thing(It's funny. I get triggered everytime I'm on there. Maybe I just shouldn't go on there anymore). I haven't reached out to anyone to talk about stuff in a while. I think that's a big part of it. I really don't have any friends I feel like I can really trust with my whole heart here at home. That being said, I miss my Franciscan friends horribly. I know where my dad keeps the utility blades now. He's out of town for a couple days, so the blades won't be moving. I know when he gets back I can ask him to move them, but just knowing they're sitting there is driving me insane right now. There are A LOT of other things going on right now, but I'm not going to get into them. 

I don’t need lecturing. I don’t need criticism. I don’t need preaching to. I need love, but most especially prayers.

I went to my little brother's grave for the first time in like 10 years today. Last night, in my prayer, God showed me that I needed to go. I've been meaning to go for a while, but just never did. Everyday, I wish he was still here. I never got to meet him. My heart aches for him a lot. This morning, it was freezing cold as I walked through the cemetery. It took me a few minutes to find his grave, but once I did, I fell on my knees and just started crying. I talked to him. I said things I have needed to say to him for years. I said things I have needed to say to God for a long time. After 20 minutes of crying and praying in the cold, I got back in the car. As I turned on the engine, "By Your Side" by Tenth Ave North came on the radio. I started crying again. All the tears were healing tears. I'm really glad I went to the cemetery.  

Healing is not an instantaneous, unless God will that it is. My healing is a process. Please pray that I can continue to persevere and be strong. 

Sorry this is so insanely all over the place.