28 Days and Skyscraper - Demi Lovato

Tonight, I'm officially 4 weeks clean. I can't even believe it. It's been all by the grace of God. I don't even know how I've come to where I am. The medication I'm on has helped tremendously, after years of trying to get it right, this one last long shot finally worked. I've had probably 2 really rough nights in the last 4 weeks. It's amazing.

Today was the first day of my senior year of college. I can't believe I'm here. I wasn't expecting to live to see 19, let alone 21. As I've said before, if you'd asked me last summer what I wanted to do with my life, I would've told you I didn't expect to live to graduation. Well, here I am, beginning my senior year of college, most likely headed to be a permanent missionary in Romania after graduation. What a change!

This song has been a big source of strength for me since it came out in June. Demi Lovato struggled with self-injury and overcame it, so she's been a big inspiration to me as well as many other people. This song is extremely powerful and it's one that really hits home for me.

Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence, as it's ending, like we never had a chance.
Do you have to make me feel like there's nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears
I awaken and untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed 
All my windows still are broken but I'm standing on my feet
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper

Go run run run I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear yeah
Go run run run yeah it's a long way down
But I'm closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Ohh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

It Was All Worth It

Every single struggle in the last 3 years was made completely worth it last night. I was brought to tears, very humbled, and extremely happy.

Here's the background. My friend Michelle knows just about everything and about a week and a half ago, she texted me telling me that there was a girl in the youth group that she's a core team member of who had revealed to Michelle that she was cutting herself. Michelle wasn't sure exactly what to do, so she asked me what she should say to her and told this girl about me. Michelle told her that she had a friend who struggled with cutting and that she should talk to me so she didn't feel so alone.

So, the other day, I got a friend request on Facebook from her. She started talking to me last night. She shared with me a little bit and I didn't push it, but then I asked her if I could ask some of the rough questions: where does she cut, what emotions is she feeling when she wants to cut, did something specific make her start, etc. She was kinda giving me reserved answers. Then, I shared part of my story with her and she started opening up. She revealed to me that she'd been cutting for a little over a month on her hip. She also told me that she felt very alone in this and she was relieved to hear that someone else knew what she was going through. Then she said this: "In all honesty, at Covecrest (a Catholic summer camp in Georgia), Michelle asked us to pray for you. She just said a friend who struggles with cutting. It made me decide to talk to her because I didn't think she would judge me because she already knew someone like me. So really you're the reason I told someone." I was brought to tears because EVERYTHING was made worth it. Her youth minister and parents know now, so she's taking the steps to get help. Telling people is probably the hardest step, so I'm really proud of her for having the courage to tell someone. Telling my parents has always been the hardest thing for me to do.

So, I'm helping her understand what's going on. I know it took me a while to understand a lot about my struggle. I praise God that she's been able to tell someone so early in her struggle because the longer it goes on, the worse it gets and the harder it is to stop.

She's been clean 8 days. I've been clean 20. We're both on the road to recovery and would really appreciate your prayers.

He is My Reason

In the last 5 days, God has moved more powerfully in my life than ever before. I've been left completely speechless. I've been hanging out with some new friends (I knew them before, but they weren't my friends until recently), including Manuel, a seminarian for the religious order of Comboni missionaries. I met him when I was home in May. He's become a big brother to me and a huge support, especially spiritually. On Friday night, my new friends and I got together and prayed over one another. It was incredible. God busted into that chapel like none of us had ever expected. As I was being prayed over, I was looking at the Eucharist and just praying. My friend Daniel then said something that I know was not him, but was God speaking to me through him. I had asked for prayer for healing of my heart and for the strength to keep persevering, even when I wanted to quit. Daniel said exactly what I needed to hear. He said that when I want to give up, He is my reason to keep going. Those were not Daniel's words. They were God's.

I know this isn't a lot of details, but what I've experienced in the last 5 days has changed me forever and set my heart so on fire for God. The way everything worked out was no coincidence. I have been blessed so much and I've been shown how much broken people can help other people. As Manuel said it, God decided to super-charge the 6 of us with the Holy Spirit through fellowship, prayer, and the laying on of hands. He has set us all ablaze so that we can go forth and bring glory to His name.

"They asked each other, 'Were not our hearts burning within us while He talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?'" -Luke 24:32

Sacred Heart of Jesus, keep our hearts on fire for You, so that we may share the incredible gifts we've been given the last six days and share Your love with the world. Amen.

15 days clean. Praise God!

Can I Really Do This?

It's days like this that make me not sure if I can do this...

I’ve been clean 12 days, but who cares? Just like every single time I’ve stopped for a while before in the last 3 years, it’s probably only a matter of time before I start cutting again…

Fr. Greg's in Spain for World Youth Day. He's been there for a week already and he'll be gone for 2 more. It's hard not having my biggest support system. It's teaching me to rely more on God than people, which is exactly what I needed, but it's a hard lesson to learn.

I go back to Steubenville on Thursday. I'm so ready. Even though I've only been home 9 days, I'm so done. I'm looking forward to my senior year :) It's going to be incredible. I'm living with 4 friends off campus, so that's going to be sweet.

So, things go back and forth. I have my good days and my bad days. This is the worst day I've had in a while, actually.

Happiness

These picture were all taken during my semester abroad in Austria. I was so happy. I hope that one day, preferably sooner than later, I can smile like this again. Slowly but surely, I’m getting there. I had a pretty bad heartbreak last night, but thanks to the prayers and encouragement of my incredible friends, I made it through the night just fine. Today, I'm one week clean. That's the longest I've gone since June. Praise God for His constant help! Looks like all those novenas worked :)


"I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday." -Anonymous


"Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did."  -Newt Gingrich

Things Are Changing

Wow...Just wow. God has been SO good to me lately.

I've been praying novenas to Our Lady of Medjugorje, Our Lady of Mercy (patroness of Romania),  St. Raphael (patron saint of healing), St. Maximilian Kolbe (martyr of charity), St. Therese of Lisieux (patron saint of missionaries), St. Michael the Archangel, and St. Dymphna (patron saint of mental illness). Prayer really does change things. C.S. Lewis said, "I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time - waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God - it changes me" Prayer is changing me. I'd rather God change me than change my circumstances.


I'm home for a few weeks before I go back to school, and so far, it's been good. No major problems yet.

I've cut ONCE in the last 9 days, which is a HUGE improvement from me cutting everyday.

I got my grade for the Spanish class I took this summer and I got a C. I was absolutely convinced I'd failed. Either my professor had mercy on me because he knew some stuff was going on in my life, or somehow, by the grace of God, I actually did get that. I don't know, but seriously, so much weight has been taken off my shoulders. This means that I can graduate in the spring!

I told my parents everything. They know that I haven't really stopped cutting once and for all. They've been really supportive, especially my Dad. God revealed to me in prayer that he was going to show His love for me through my dad, and so far, He has.

I went to the doctor the other day and was put on an anti-depressant. My counselor thinks that through the right balance of counseling, spiritual direction, and medication, I can beat this once and for all. I'm on a stimulant that I take at night, because the night is when I have the hardest time. During the day, I'm fine, but at night is a totally different story. The suicide thoughts are gone. I'm realizing that I have so many reasons to hang on.

My parents are finally accepting that I'm extremely serious about being a missionary and it's not just a phase. My life was completely changed in Romania. Unless you've been on a mission trip and had your entire view of the world changed, it's impossible to understand.

My hope is being restored. God is healing my heart and I'm getting stronger everyday.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him." -Psalm 62:5

The Lord's Weak Warrior

I found this online today. It really hit home. My friend Michelle sent me a text the other day reminding me that I am a warrior, and here is a confirmation for me of what she said. I'm weak, but you know what, God uses the weak for His greater glory.


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The Lord's Weak Warrior 

I am the Lord’s weak warrior.  I am the one with all the enthusiasm during times of peace and no endurance during times of war.  I am the one who looks like he would be perfect for the good fight, and yet cannot stop his own heart from quaking.  And it is my quaking heart and supple hands which cause me to be the first to run at the sight of the enemy.  I am the soldier who loves to be seen in his regalia, or with mud on his face when working, but hates the thought of wearing them alone, with no one to impress.  I am the one who speaks fo brotherhood and comradery, yet cannot bring himself to be a brother or comrad to all.

….I am the weakest on the battle lines, but the Lord’s warrior still I am.  And yet the mystery of a King whoneeds no army, and yet calls the trumpet for one nonetheless, is that the warrior is not measured by his success, but by his effort.  And it is the one who can forget the former and rest in the latter, that the King uses with the most pride.  For in this, the weakling is made strong.  So I do not fear to be the Lord’s weak warrior, but seek to simply serve Him with my whole heart.

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St. Josemaria Escriva, one of my newest favorite saints, once said “You realize you are weak. And so, indeed, you are. In spite of all that - rather, because of it - God has sought you. He always uses inadequate instruments so that the work may be seen to be his. From you he asks only docility.”

I am weak, but He will make me strong.