Random Crap

I know I haven't posted lately, but I am really sick and out of commission for the day, so I figured I'd update you all on the crazy life that I live. Haha.

A week and a half ago, I went on a retreat called Born of the Spirit and it was a super blessed time. I didn't really want to go all that much, but I'm glad that I did. Thank you, Erinn, for being such a good influence in my life. Hahaha. I honestly don't know what I would do without you!

But, on the downside, I've been feeling kinda crappy lately. I just can't seem to shake this round of depression. Today is day 78, but it doesn't really seem to matter all that much. I feel like each day is not a victory when I have to fight that hard to get it. I'm worn down emotionally and spiritually. I am still in that place where I don't really want anything to do with God and that is BAD. He is the only reason that I am where I'm at and I've kinda told Him that I don't need Him right now, which is so wrong. Fr. Brad keeps trying to get that through my head, but sure I know it in my head, but I don't believe it. Here's the thing about Fr. Brad. We have a love/hate relationship with one another. He is harder on me than anyone ever had been and most of the time that SUCKS. It can be really hard for me to sit in his office and have him rip me to shreds the way that he does. Other times, he is the most encouraging person in my life. So, it's hard. Sometimes when I need that encouragement, he rips on me, so that doesn't help and that makes me not want to talk to him. He doesn't quite get that I am my worst critic and I already rip myself to shreds, so I don't really need him to do it too. I had heard that Fr. Brad was one of the toughest spiritual directors here and I didn't really believe it. Boy, I was wrong. He makes me face stuff I really don't want to and it hurts like hell, but I am hoping that healing is going to come from it one day.

I haven't seen my counselor in a month, which isn't really a good thing either, but I don't want to talk about stuff, so I'm not going to go see him. 

So, being 78 days cut-free, I guess there is a spark of hope in me somewhere. A lot of times I wish that damn little thing would go out, but God's not letting it.

We leave for our mission trip to Haiti in a mere 11 days. I am SOOOOO excited for it. One of the biggest reasons I haven't cut is because I want to go without any cuts. What sucks about it is that I have to make sure my shorts are really long because of my scars. About half of our team of 8 knows that I've struggled with it, but none of them have seen the scars. And it's not something I want any of them or any of the kids in Haiti to see.

I got a very generous donation for my mission work in Romania from one of my readers on here. You know who you are, so THANK YOU!!!

I don't know if I will post again before we go to Haiti, so please pray for the safety of our mission as well as God's will be done and that all our work may be for His glory.

It's the Little Things

It's a snowy Saturday morning here in Steubenville, Ohio. I've officially been clean 2 months! I'm in a good mood and over the past week, I've learned how much joy can be found in the little things in life. So, I'm going to make a list of some of my favorite little things in life. I'm sure I'll consistently re-read this list myself, but maybe you can take some of these little things in life and find joy in them when you feel there is no joy to be found anywhere. This list might change as time goes on, so always look to see if there are new ones :)

-Snowy Saturday mornings, sitting with a cup of coffee watching the snow
-Waking up on a Saturday morning, being awake for like 30 minutes, and then falling back asleep
-My 3-month-old Goddaughter, Ashlynn, yawning
-Ashlynn falling asleep in my arms
-Babies giggling
-Random text messages from my friend Brooke with Bible verses or quotes
-Coffee dates with my dad
-Hugs that last longer then I expected from someone really important to me
-Getting in really late and going right to bed
-Feeling God's love and being so overwhelmed that I'm moved to tears
-Random letters in the mail
-The joy that orphaned children have when they realize that someone does really love them
-Turning on my car and my favorite song being on the radio
-Watching Disney movies like Finding Nemo
-Feeling the Blessed Mother's love while praying the Rosary
-Noticing that I wore a short sleeve shirt the other day and took off my coat without even thinking about it (yeah, I have scars, but they're not horrible and I realized that I don't care if people see them. They are a part of me and they show what a battle I have fought and WON for the last 2 months)
-Puppies
-Random praise and worship sessions that tend to happen in my car when driving with my friends
-Road trips with my friends
-Hugs from people taller than me (which is rare, seeing as I am 6 feet tall)
-Hugs from Fr. Greg, Fr. Rick, and Fr. Brad
-That one time Fr. Denny fist bumped me as I walked out of Confession
-Warm cookies
-Laughing so hard that your stomach hurts
-Laughing so hard that your abs hurt the next day
-Laying in bed until like noon on a Saturday
-Not having homework

Bittersweet

8 weeks clean and going through the hardest time I can ever remember.

It's definitely bittersweet.

Pray for me?