The only way to describe what's going on right now is to say that my heart hurts. There is so many things that my heart is just breaking over right now.
I leave Romania in a mere 2 weeks. I will only be in the States for like 2 months, but I don't want to go home. I feel like I'm doing something good with my life here. At home...not so much. I'm going to be doing fundraising for the new orphanage, but still. It's gonna be hard not being with the kids.
I just finished this AWESOME book called "Redeeming Love" that was recommended to me by someone in Austria. It took me 4 days to read the whole book. It's a novel based on the story of the prophet Hosea, and seriously. Every single person should read it. But, in reading it, it put an even worse longing in my heart for the spousal love that I finding myself longing for. It's ridiculous. I've never felt such a desire for that love before, but it's there. Maybe it's God reminding me how much I need him. I don't know. It's just got me down. Reminds me of some Tenth Ave. lyrics: "Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?" '
Still struggling with the urge to cut, but hanging strong. 13 days from now, I will be one year clean.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
A Weird Spot
Not really feeling like explaining in detail what's going on, but everything that could be going wrong seems to be doing just that. I miss my ex like crazy (which that relationship was SO unhealthy it’s not even funny), my depression’s coming back hardcore, the urge to self-injure has returned too. It’s bad. And after a 3-hour talk and cry session with one of the Franciscan priests at FUS’ campus in Austria, he told me that if things get worse than they are, I need to end my mission work early and go home because I have absolutely no resources here.
I don’t want to go home early. At least here in Romania I feel like I’m doing something positive with my life. If I go home...well, it's not gonna end well. Please just pray I can make it through the next couple weeks.
Tenth Ave North’s lyrics seem to be a pretty good fit for how I’m feeling: “I’m tired. I’m worn. My heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve let my hope fail. My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world. And I know that you can give me rest, so I cry out with all that I have left: Let me see Redemption win, let me know the struggle ends, that you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn. I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life and all that’s dead inside can be reborn ‘cause I’m worn.”
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
A Different Person
I just finished reading my blog all the way through from the very beginning. Holy shit. I am a completely different person than I used to be and thank God for that. I hate the person I used to be. The person that I was when I first started college...I don't even know who that person was. She was crazy and I honestly say that I hate who I used to be. I am who I am and the only person I care what they think of me is the Lord. I live my life for His glory and for no one else.
As I was reading through it, some of the blog posts, I can almost put myself in the exact spot I was when I was writing them, whether it was at Xavier in my dorm room, or at home after I had ankle surgery, or at Franciscan, or even studying in Austria. And with being able to do that, I was also able to remember exactly how I felt at that moment. It was weird. I know this sounds really messed up, but part of me misses when I was cutting. I became comfortable in my addiction. That's why it was so hard for me to stop. Part of me misses the crippling depression. As much as I hated the feeling, I became used to it.
I am still afraid to tell myself I'm happy. I'm afraid that it will all be stripped away as soon as I do. I love what I do, but life as a missionary isn't perfect. I promise you that. I have struggled with prayer IMMENSELY since being here. We can thank the enemy for that one, but he can F off because the battle's already been won. My chains are gone and I'm never taking them back.
I'm taking a vacation from mission work and going to visit Franciscan's Austrian campus next week for Thanksgiving. I'm really looking forward to being with some Americans and to visit the place where my life was changed forever :)
As I was reading through it, some of the blog posts, I can almost put myself in the exact spot I was when I was writing them, whether it was at Xavier in my dorm room, or at home after I had ankle surgery, or at Franciscan, or even studying in Austria. And with being able to do that, I was also able to remember exactly how I felt at that moment. It was weird. I know this sounds really messed up, but part of me misses when I was cutting. I became comfortable in my addiction. That's why it was so hard for me to stop. Part of me misses the crippling depression. As much as I hated the feeling, I became used to it.
I am still afraid to tell myself I'm happy. I'm afraid that it will all be stripped away as soon as I do. I love what I do, but life as a missionary isn't perfect. I promise you that. I have struggled with prayer IMMENSELY since being here. We can thank the enemy for that one, but he can F off because the battle's already been won. My chains are gone and I'm never taking them back.
I'm taking a vacation from mission work and going to visit Franciscan's Austrian campus next week for Thanksgiving. I'm really looking forward to being with some Americans and to visit the place where my life was changed forever :)
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Where Things Are At
So, lots has been going on in Romania. First, the big announcement I shared via Facebook last week: Fr. Remus (the Romanian priest I work for) and I are going to start a Catholic orphanage here in Turt and I'm going to be the director. That means I'm going to be in Romania for a while and I am BEYOND pumped about it. I never would have imagined that the idea Fr. Remus and I had been throwing around for a while would actually begin to become a reality. Second, 2 groups of Franciscan students came from Austria to Romania for mission trips. It was a huge blessing for me to have some Americans around for a few days.
Here's where things get hard. I am the only person my age in the town I live in. It's a common thing in Romania that when a person graduates high school, they MIGHT go to college, but they are more likely to move abroad to work. So, that means I am the only person around my age here. I have some friends in the high school and I have Fr. Remus' wife (he's a Greek Catholic/Byzantine rite priest, so he can be married. Stop freaking out) and I am so grateful for her. She's a wonderful woman who is so much fun to be with. Then there is Claudia, who is 29 and one of my favorite people ever. But, it's just been rough lately being the only person my age. I'm hoping and praying that another person wants to come here long term. I could really use having a person or 2 around to help me out, especially when the new orphanage stuff is going on.
I also just have this longing in my heart to be loved. I know that the kids love me and the people I serve love me, but there is just this want for spousal love. It's ridiculous. I people I know getting engaged or married and I can't help but want that. I know God's love is sufficient and all that, but I can't help but want to be loved like that. I know that God's put it on hold so I can serve the people of Romania with all my heart, but I just can't help it sometimes.
I love my job so much and it is so rewarding. Sometimes though, it gets lonely, but I keep on pressing on through the rough times like I always do.
A mere 32 days from today, I will be one year clean of cutting. And 2 days after that, I head home to Cincinnati for Christmas. I will be coming back to Romania the first week of February.
"Missionary zeal does not grow out of intellectual beliefs, nor out of theological arguments, but out of love." -Rolland Allen
Here's where things get hard. I am the only person my age in the town I live in. It's a common thing in Romania that when a person graduates high school, they MIGHT go to college, but they are more likely to move abroad to work. So, that means I am the only person around my age here. I have some friends in the high school and I have Fr. Remus' wife (he's a Greek Catholic/Byzantine rite priest, so he can be married. Stop freaking out) and I am so grateful for her. She's a wonderful woman who is so much fun to be with. Then there is Claudia, who is 29 and one of my favorite people ever. But, it's just been rough lately being the only person my age. I'm hoping and praying that another person wants to come here long term. I could really use having a person or 2 around to help me out, especially when the new orphanage stuff is going on.
I also just have this longing in my heart to be loved. I know that the kids love me and the people I serve love me, but there is just this want for spousal love. It's ridiculous. I people I know getting engaged or married and I can't help but want that. I know God's love is sufficient and all that, but I can't help but want to be loved like that. I know that God's put it on hold so I can serve the people of Romania with all my heart, but I just can't help it sometimes.
I love my job so much and it is so rewarding. Sometimes though, it gets lonely, but I keep on pressing on through the rough times like I always do.
A mere 32 days from today, I will be one year clean of cutting. And 2 days after that, I head home to Cincinnati for Christmas. I will be coming back to Romania the first week of February.
"Missionary zeal does not grow out of intellectual beliefs, nor out of theological arguments, but out of love." -Rolland Allen
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