People Need Other People

This was just posted on TWLOHA's blog. It's a post written by Jamie Tworkowski and it is the reminder that I can't keep pushing people away. Maybe one day I will actually believe what people tell me about myself. Maybe not. I don't know. All I know is that I can't keep doing this alone.

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TWLOHA exists to move people—to move people to believe that it's OK to be honest, and to move people to believe that it's OK to ask for help.

TWLOHA is an invitation to believe better things.
You matter very much.
Your life is priceless.
Your story is important.
No one else can play your part.

We have connected with so many amazing resources over the years, people and places in the business of helping folks become unstuck, become unhaunted. They do the patient work of recovery, based on years and years of wisdom and experience. They do this work with truth and with compassion.

We are in the unique position of encouraging people to get help, and we get to point them to places where that help can happen. We also love the fact that we're able to invest in the important work of treatment and counseling.

At the heart of all of this lies a common thread, one that has become more and more apparent as the years go by, one that is part of the foundation of TWLOHA. These words sum up so much of what we're trying to say. When it comes to depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide, we believe this message is the game-changer. It's the first step. It's the candle lit in the darkness.

The message is this: People need other people.

With this comes a second truth: You are not alone. You are not alone in your problems, not alone in your pain, not alone in your questions, in your heartache and heartbreak. You are not alone.

Other people feel how you feel. Other people are where you are and even more have been where you are. They have known the darkness, too. They have felt alone.

And it's not enough to simply know you're not alone. The journey forward will require other people. It will require friends and family. It may require professional help, and that's entirely OK. If you broke your arm, you wouldn't try to hide it or fake it. Getting help for depression or addiction should be no different. If you need help, it's OK to ask for it.

The journey forward will also require conversations, the ones where honest questions are met with honest answers, and somehow understanding happens. Somehow healing happens.

The journey forward will be a mix of crying, laughing, quiet, hoping—and also dreaming. You will get to dream again.

You are not alone, and you will not have to go alone. You will go with others. They will carry you, and you will carry them, and that's how this dance is done. That's how's this life is meant to be lived, leaning on that magic of love, and trust, and friendship.

You are a person in need, and so are all the ones around you. It's OK to say it. It's OK to ask. It's OK to be honest about it. You are a person, which means you feel things, and you lose things, and it happens to all of us. You are not a robot, not a machine, not simply a student, or an employee, or an athlete, or a performer. You are not only what you're good at, and you're not only what you're bad at. You are a person, and people need other people. 

You are a person, and you deserve whatever help you need.

You are a person, and you deserve to be known and loved by others. 

You are a person—and people need other people.

"Demons" by Imagine Dragons

This song is amazing. Rings so true with me.

"Don't get too close, it's dark inside. It's where my demons hide."

Middle of the Night Thoughts

It's after 1am and I can't sleep because I've got 8 billion things on my mind, so I decided I'd blog about it.

I'm so incredibly depressed. Depression just plain sucks. So much. The hopelessness, despair, darkness, the void in my soul. Even though nothing is really going wrong at the moment, I'm still feeling like complete shit. That's depression for you. And I feel so alone here, which is really tough too. And the cutting...that stupid thing that has controlled me for so long. I've done it a lot since my relapse in May. Haven't been able to shake it. Longest I've gone is about 10 days.

I feel like nothing has really changed since I was 18. I was telling Fr. Greg that last time I talked to him. I feel like sure, I'm 5 years older, but I'm still having the same conversations with him now as I had when I first met him. And that is incredibly frustrating.

I tried Skype counseling with a guy back in the States and that was a bust...That makes it 7 counselors in 5 years - only having progress with one. I told my psychiatrist and he said he's got an idea of a guy he thinks I'd like. Decided that #8 is the last shot. If this last guy doesn't work, I'm taking a break from actively looking for help.

Started a new medication a couple weeks ago. It's actually made things worse. That's the thing about anti-depressants: they either work, don't work, or make things worse. So, I have no idea what I'm gonna do about that at the moment.

I feel like right now all I wanna do is stop. I just want everything to stop for like 5 minutes so I can get my thoughts together. But, life keeps coming at me full speed and I'm dealing with it the best that I know how to. It may not be in the healthiest of ways, but I am surviving, so I guess that's a good thing.

It's getting harder and harder to get up in the morning and take on the day. That's one way I know things are getting worse.

This isn't even half of what's going on, but I can't seem to get my brain together enough to even get it all written down at the moment. I'm a wreck and I feel like my life is a wreck. Please pray for me extra hard. Things are really tough and each day gets tougher.

Confessions of a Depressed Comic

This is a TED talk by Kevin Breel, 19-year-old a stand up comedian who suffers from depression. This is just amazing. This brought me so many tears. Please watch it, whether you suffer from depression or not. Please, I'm begging you. Spend 10 minutes watching this.

"Now will you trust me?"

This was written by my friend Emily recently. It really resonates with me.

I sit quietly and wait for the Lord to speak to me. I try to hand over my struggle and my pain to Him with all my little and weak heart. I say to Him Lord make me new, make me clean. He answers with a pointed but unexpected question that almost seems irrelevant to me.
"Do you trust me?" 
I pause and think. I wish. I want to. But the answer is no.
The wind picks up slightly blowing in the trees around me. I've always felt the Holy Spirit in the wind. Especially in the dark moments before a storm. Like now, the sky is overcast.
Suddenly the leaves on the tree in front of me stop blowing. But I feel the wind continue behind me, touching the back of my neck. I glance over my shoulder and see the leaves of the dark green willow sway ever so slightly.
"See," He says, "I am still there."
A whispered word comes into my head.
'Always'
He has proven to me with this example in the wind that He is never gone, and never has been gone. Even when I can't see Him, can't feel Him, in my darkest moment, He was never gone.
He delivers me from death every day.
He says to me "See...now will you trust me?"
The wind continues.

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Going to Medjugorje tomorrow. Please pray for me and our group. I really need this trip. I've been struggling terribly lately. I need to get things right with God. 

My Latest Ink

I just realized today that I never shared this. Just before my birthday in June, I decided to get a new tattoo (once you start getting inked, you're addicted. Seriously. I love tattoos). This is the latitude and longitude of where I am a missionary in Romania. I was actually able to find the exact latitude and longitude of our church, so I got it tattooed on my right foot. I'm a big fan of this tattoo. Every night when I am finished for the day and I take off my shoes, I have dirt covered feet and I see this tattoo. Makes me love all this that more.

Please pray for me. This missionary thing isn't always easy. It's been especially challenging lately. I'm going to Medjugorje in a few weeks. I'm looking forward to a week of spiritual rejuvenation. I'm praying that it's what I'm looking for right now.

A New Encyclical

Pope Francis just released his new encylical called Lumen Fidei or "The Light of Faith" and these are the things that stuck out to me when reading it. Catholic or not, I recommend you read it. It's awesome!

"There is an urgent need, then, to see once again that faith is a light, for once the flame of faith dies out, all other lights begin to dim. The light of faith is unique, since it is capable of illuminating every aspect of human existence. A light this powerful cannot come from ourselves but from a more primordial source: in a word, it must come from God. Faith is born of an encounter with the living God who calls us and reveals his love, a love which precedes us and upon which we can lean for security and for building our lives. Transformed by this love, we gain fresh vision, new eyes to see; we realize that it contains a great promise of fulfilment, and that a vision of the future opens up before us. Faith, received from God as a supernatural gift, becomes a light for our way, guiding our journey through time. On the one hand, it is a light coming from the past, the light of the foundational memory of the life of Jesus which revealed his perfectly trustworthy love, a love capable of triumphing over death. Yet since Christ has risen and draws us beyond death, faith is also a light coming from the future and opening before us vast horizons which guide us beyond our isolated selves towards the breadth of communion. We come to see that faith does not dwell in shadow and gloom; it is a light for our darkness." -Paragraph 4

"For Abraham, faith in God sheds light on the depths of his being, it enables him to acknowledge the wellspring of goodness at the origin of all things and to realize that his life is not the product of non-being or chance, but the fruit of a personal call and a personal love." -Paragraph 11

"Faith, tied as it is to conversion, is the opposite of idolatry; it breaks with idols to turn to the living God in a personal encounter. Believing means entrusting oneself to a merciful love which always accepts and pardons, which sustains and directs our lives, and which shows its power by its ability to make straight the crooked lines of our history. Faith consists in the willingness to let ourselves be constantly transformed and renewed by God’s call. Herein lies the paradox: by constantly turning towards the Lord, we discover a sure path which liberates us from the dissolution imposed upon us by idols." -Paragraph 13

"In the love of God revealed in Jesus, faith perceives the foundation on which all reality and its final destiny rest." -Paragraph 15

"Yet it is precisely in contemplating Jesus’ death that faith grows stronger and receives a dazzling light; then it is revealed as faith in Christ’s steadfast love for us, a love capable of embracing death to bring us salvation. This love, which did not recoil before death in order to show its depth, is something I can believe in; Christ’s total self-gift overcomes every suspicion and enables me to entrust myself to him completely." - Paragraph 16

"Once I think that by turning away from God I will find myself, my life begins to fall apart" -Paragraph 19

"Faith is not a light which scatters all our darkness, but a lamp which guides our steps in the night and suffices for the journey. To those who suffer, God does not provide arguments which explain everything; rather, his response is that of an accompanying presence, a history of goodness which touches every story of suffering and opens up a ray of light. In Christ, God himself wishes to share this path with us and to offer us his gaze so that we might see the light within it." -Paragraph 57

In My Deepest Wound

It is in those places that hurt the most - those deep wounds in my heart - where I have seen God and how He works. Keep the hope. It will not disappoint (Romans 5:5).

My 23rd Birthday

Today is another one of those days that sometimes I felt like I'd never see. Today I turned 23. That might not seem like a big deal to most people, but I'm someone who didn't expect to live to see myself graduate college (and that was over a year ago now!). Most of the time, I look at my life and think "Man, this sucks. I feel like I'm always depressed." But, it's days like my birthday that I get a reality check. I've got a degree from the most Catholic university in the United States. I've got friends who are some of the most amazing people I've ever met. I'm a missionary in an AMAZING country that I love so much. I've raised almost $35,000 to build an orphanage (only $30,000 more to go!). I've got a God who loves me more than I'll ever understand and who has sustained me in the times I've wanted to quit. He's never let me quit.

I leave for Romania on Sunday. I'm SO excited to finally get back after all this crazy crap with my shoulder. Four months later than I had planned, but God knew what He was doing. Please, as always, pray for me and the mission. You can see me post more often here (my mission blog).

Jeff Becomes a Priest

On April 6, 2010, I met a young man named Jeff after a night of praise and worship at Franciscan.

Click here to read the blog post about when I met him.

Today, he is being ordained a priest. That's so glorious! He is going to be an AMAZING priest! I ask that you pray for him in his new ministry.

Countdown to going back to Romania: 15 days.

Relapse

I promised myself that I'd always be brutally honest on here, so, here goes.

One week ago today, I relapsed. I cut myself for the first time after 17 months and 1 day of not cutting. There are about 10 things that lead to it that I'd rather not get into the details of, but I can tell you that it was bad. I cut myself 6 times in 5 days. It sucks to see the cuts on my legs and my arm, but they're healing, as is my heart. My heart has taken a huge beating over the last couple months, especially the last month. Last Wednesday, I'd finally just had enough.

I told Fr. Rick and he's been really supportive in helping me pick myself back up. I texted Fr. Greg, but got no response. I'm not sure right now that I could handle his response. I hate that I've let him down. I hate that I've let God down. I haven't gotten up the strength to go to Confession yet, but I'll get there soon.

I ask that you keep me in your prayers. I'm doing the best I can to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. It's a process that's taking time.

I leave for 6 months in Romania in a mere 18 days. I'm praying I can get it together between now and then.

Today has been a good day and I'm determined that tonight be good too. You know, depression and addiction recovery SUCK about 99% of the time, but then you get a little break, like I got today, where God help you carry your cross and He lets you know that you really are gonna be okay.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3

"Always remember..."

It's 1:30am and I just got off the phone with the future saint, Fr. Greg. I've been having a rough time since my shoulder surgery and this is the first time we've talked in about a month. I called him about 12:15am and he didn't answer, so I sent him a text saying "Just trying to keep my end of the deal." (if you don't know what that means, it comes from the night I met Fr. Greg. He made me promise that I'd call him before I was allowed to cut myself). He called me back a few minutes later and he asked me what was going on. He let me ramble for like 10 minutes. There was so much shit that I just needed to get out. He's so good. He knows when to just let me talk and he knows when I'm looking for a response. So, after my word vomiting, he told me that all this stuff is going on because God is strengthening me. I rolled my eyes and he somehow knew it. He goes, "I know that's not what you wanna hear, but years down the road, you'll look at this time and think that if you could get through that, you can get through anything." So, I agreed with that, as much as I didn't want to. Haha.

Then he asked me if I would do something for him. He told me that self-injury has become an epidemic on college campuses and he asked  me if I would write a brochure that he could give to the students who come to him. He was like, "You've fought this heroic battle for the last 5 years and for the last 16 months, you've won" (He kept saying that I'm fighting heroically. I know he sees it that way, but I definitely don't). He told me that he thought it'd bring some healing to the emotional wounds left from struggling with the addiction to cutting for 4 years. So, I agreed. At this point, I don't even know where to start, but with the guidance of the Lord, I know it'll be what He wants. This quote kinda goes along with this new project: "Why didn't God take away the scars? Because it was the most powerful story. Jesus didn't cover up His scars. They were healed wounds. Our scars are a witness to the world. They are a part of our story. Healed wounds are symbols that God has restored us." -Louie Giglio

At the end of our conversation, I thanked him for putting up with me and he said, "Always remember, I love you." And that's when the tears started flowing. I told him that he had no idea how bad I needed to hear that right at that moment. And as soon as he said it, an intense peace came over me. The anxiety and all the feelings that were raging inside of me just calmed down.

It amazes me how when I feel like I'm one tiny thing away from crashing and burning, God shows up and brings me exactly what I need. And tonight, that was to hear someone say, "I love you."

Peace and blessings to you tonight.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me." -Psalm 23:4

"Worn" by Tenth Avenue North

If you know me at all, you know that one of my favorite bands of all time is Tenth Avenue North. I saw them first after they just put out their first album and were on tour with Santus Real. I was blessed to meet the lead singer and be able to tell him how their music has gotten me through some rough nights. In the last 4 years, they've become huge. Their latest album has an AMAZING song on it called "Worn" and talk about a song being a personal prayer. I feel like that song is the prayers I've said to God from the very depths of my soul on many hard nights. They recently put out the music video for that song and it's beautiful. You can watch it here: http://youtu.be/zulKcYItKIA (I can't get it to embed correctly. Sorry)

I'm tired, I'm worn.
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let me hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world.

I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn.

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up


And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause I'm worn.

My prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn
Even before the day begins
I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So Heave, come and flood my eyes


I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That's frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
'Cause all that's dead inside can be reborn

Though I'm worn.
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And I just realized as I'm writing this, that I am 15 months cut-free today. Praise God! He's so good!

Pray for me. Surgery is on Thursday.

Shoulder Surgery

I miss my kids. I just want to be in Romania.

And now I won't be back in Romania until June. I have to have shoulder surgery next Thursday and I'm not excited. It came from an injury that happened 4 days before I left Romania. I did everything I could do avoid surgery: 6 weeks of physical therapy, 2 cortisone shots, 2 months of anti-inflammatory meds, and 1 steroid. I was supposed to go back at the end of March, but then the other day my shoulder popped funny and the pain intensified to the point where I could hardly take it. After a night of no sleep, I called the orthopedic and saw him Friday, and we decided surgery was all that we could do to fix this.

I'm trying so hard to look at this with eyes of faith. It's WAY easier said than done. I'm trying to believe God has a reason for me to be here. What it is, I have no freakin' clue right now. But, I'm here and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

Say some prayers for me. I miss my kids insanely and this shoulder thing is causing lots of problems too.

Uncertainty

I had another one of those "long nights" again the other night. I did everything I could to be distracted. I watched a movie, read a bunch of a book, but I just couldn't get the feelings to go away. So, once the tears started, I sat on my floor and cried to Jesus...a lot...telling Him I couldn't do this anymore and that I felt so alone. I told him how much I missed my baby brother and that I wished he was here. I then had an image in my head of the Blessed Mother holding Patrick, she looked at me and said that she had him and he was praying for me. I'm sitting here tearing up just thinking about it. It was beautiful. I begged for His presence to come to me, and after a little while, it did. The tears slowed down and this peace came over me. I knew Jesus was with me.

I’m usually okay with not having a boyfriend (especially when my job as a missionary means I live in Romania most of the year), but every couple months or so I get this overwhelming sense of wanting to love and be loved. It’s not that I’m not satisfied with God’s companionship, but I’m human. I long for human love. I’m almost 23 and friends are getting married and starting to have kids. I can’t help but want that for myself. I know that as the director of the new orphanage, I’m going to be the mom to 10 Romanian orphans in the next couple years, but that’s not quite the same as having my own kids with my husband. I know it's all in His time, but I'm human. It's that simple. 

There is just so much uncertainty in my life right now, which I was hoping that some of  it would be resolved when I went to the orthopedic on Monday to get the results of the MRI on my shoulder, but all he said is that it's a waiting game. I hurt my shoulder the last week I was in Romania and had it looked at the first week of January. Finally I got the MRI results, and when I was hoping for answers, I really got nothing. I have capsulitis in one of the tendons from when I hurt it. I've not gotten 2 cortisone shots, had a month of physical therapy, and nothing. Still an insane amount of pain. The doctor said it could hurt for up to a year, so going back to Romania has been put on hold until I can get enough strength back in my shoulder to be able to pick up kids. There is no way I could pick up any kids right now. Not a chance. And of course, it's my right shoulder, making it all even harder. So, I'm aiming for the middle or end of March. But, if it's not God's time, then it's not time for me to go back yet.

Actually, starting about 3 weeks ago, I began feeling SUPER anxious about going back to Romania and I finally was able to talk to my parents about it on Sunday. They both said that I need to trust my gut and that there is a reason then that I'm not going back when I had planned on it. So, that's where things are at.

I'm asking for continued prayers. I can only take so much of what's going on right now. Uncertainty has ALWAYS been something I struggle with, and now this new increased uncertainty is bothering me a lot. I talked to Fr. Remus and he said not to worry about it, that I need to get healthy first, but still.

On the good news side of things, I have raised $4,600 of the $10,000 I want to go back to Romania with so that we can start construction. Almost halfway there!! It's awesome. If you can donate even the tiniest amount, please consider doing so. You can go here at donate: https://www.egsnetwork.com/gift/gift.php?giftid=F7E26965-8FDC-4418-863E-EF472F4950E9.  I'm not kidding when I say that money goes a LONG way in Romania. We are able to build a 3,000 sq. ft. house for 10 kids for an estimated $65,000. Please consider helping me out. It's a big task for one 22-year-old to take on. But more importantly, I need prayers for this mission. It doesn't work without prayers.

A Long Night

I’m hurting. A lot. For many, many reasons. I’m in a really rough spot with my depression and have been for a while now. Last night was the first time I cried myself to sleep in a very long time. I was sobbing, crying out to Jesus from the depths of my soul. I’m tired of pretending to be okay and be strong. My relationship with God sucks right now and has for the last couple months. I don’t want to pray, I don’t want to go to Mass. In fact, most of the time I don’t want anything do to with Him.

The tears were caused by many things. Not being in Romania is one reason. Being triggered by something I saw on Pinterest is another thing(It's funny. I get triggered everytime I'm on there. Maybe I just shouldn't go on there anymore). I haven't reached out to anyone to talk about stuff in a while. I think that's a big part of it. I really don't have any friends I feel like I can really trust with my whole heart here at home. That being said, I miss my Franciscan friends horribly. I know where my dad keeps the utility blades now. He's out of town for a couple days, so the blades won't be moving. I know when he gets back I can ask him to move them, but just knowing they're sitting there is driving me insane right now. There are A LOT of other things going on right now, but I'm not going to get into them. 

I don’t need lecturing. I don’t need criticism. I don’t need preaching to. I need love, but most especially prayers.

I went to my little brother's grave for the first time in like 10 years today. Last night, in my prayer, God showed me that I needed to go. I've been meaning to go for a while, but just never did. Everyday, I wish he was still here. I never got to meet him. My heart aches for him a lot. This morning, it was freezing cold as I walked through the cemetery. It took me a few minutes to find his grave, but once I did, I fell on my knees and just started crying. I talked to him. I said things I have needed to say to him for years. I said things I have needed to say to God for a long time. After 20 minutes of crying and praying in the cold, I got back in the car. As I turned on the engine, "By Your Side" by Tenth Ave North came on the radio. I started crying again. All the tears were healing tears. I'm really glad I went to the cemetery.  

Healing is not an instantaneous, unless God will that it is. My healing is a process. Please pray that I can continue to persevere and be strong. 

Sorry this is so insanely all over the place.