What a Day!!

Well, today was quite the day, let me tell you. It all started last night when I sent Fr. Rick a Facebook message out of sheer desperation. I was very afraid of what I might do to myself. He responded late last night asking me to meet him at the chapel on campus at 11am this morning. He also asked me to not do anything last night and to be strong. Well, when I walked into the entrance of chapel today, there was Fr. Rick, waiting for me, and we walked into the main chapel and went to one of the back rooms where we sat down and talked. First, he prayed that any evil spirits that may hinder our conversation be gone. Then, he looked me in the eye and said "Talk to me. Why do you want to quit?" I told him that I'd lost all hope in ever being able to stop. I told him that I can't live the rest of my life like this. Then he said something that hit me right in the heart. He said, "First of all, tuck everything I'm about to say in the back of your brain. Suicide is NOT the answer. It's messy, painful, etc. This pain you're going through now, well magnify that times like a thousand...That's what you'll feel for all of eternity if you commit suicide. If you live the rest of you life in pain, it is what it is, but in eternity, that pain will be gone if you live the rest of your life. Do you want eternal misery? I know that you don't." That just like opened my eyes. The suicide thoughts haven't been bad, but they're there. I'm not gonna lie. I don't think I'll ever act on them. I honestly couldn't even look at him. He put his hand under my chin, lifted my face, looked me in the eye and said, "You can do this." In those 4 words, that spark of hope was re-ignited. I know what it's like to live my life free of this. I did it for 109 days. Yeah, I had to fight for every single one, but fighting wasn't nearly as bad as the pain that comes from giving in.

We talked for about another half hour and he prayed over me at the end. It was so powerful. Fr. Rick really knows how to pray and get right to the heart of what's bothering you. The words he uses are definitely not his words. They're God's. And, of course, I cried. After he finished the prayer, he looked at me and said "You're leaking." I laughed and stood up. He gave me a hug and held on for a minute. I kinda let go and he just held on. He made me feel so loved. He took time out of his ridulously busy schedule to talk to me and help me figure out what to do. I would be dead if it weren't for him.

Then, I went to see a counselor. The guy who is in charge of the counseling center was highly recommended by my friend Nicki and I was really unsure about it, but after meeting Joe, I really feel like this could work. He's offered to help me while I'm in Austria, both by Skype and by e-mail. This showed me that Joe's in for the long haul, which meant a lot. The meeting today was really informal and Nicki went with me. Joe just kinda wanted to know what was going on, etc. In just one session, he got a whole lot out of me and gave me some REALLY good suggestions.

So, I'm another step closer to taking back my life for good. My friends and I went to a hill in West Virginia that overlooks Steubenville and took a ton of pictures. For the first time in a long time, I look genuinely happy. I look kinda happy in most of the pictures taken of me, but I can see right through the facade and tell you exactly what I was feeling then, and most likely, it wasn't a good thing. Some of the oictures got posted on Facebook throughout the evening and I noticed that I look happy. Today really changed my life.

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed" Isaiah 53:5