Frustration and Trusting in God's Plan

I get kinda frustrated when God changes things up on me like this. I was supposed to lead a Confirmation retreat in Maryland for the retreat ministry we have here on campus. Well, that got changed when I found out today I have to go on my household retreat, which is the same weekend. I feel like I've abandoned my team...I've been involved in SENT ministries since almost the beginning of the semester. Now, I just have to drop it. It's so frustrating. It's not fair to me, my team, or the kids who will be on this retreat. I know I'm totally committed to household, but I feel really bad having to abandon my team. I was with some of my closest friends, and now, they too feel like I've abandoned them. They understand, but they were all really disappointed when I told them. I'm extremely disappointed too. But I guess it's all in God's plan, as frustrating as His plan can be. I'm just trusting Him and letting things go His way...

"Only at Franiscan..." Moments

I met with Fr. Jim this morning and it went really well. I think he's really going to be able to help me. That's not really what I'm writing about here though. I want to share with you something that just happened to me. I ran into Fr. Rick in the student center. I e-mailed him last night to let him know I was meeting with Fr. Jim this morning and to also thank him for the constant encouragement to go see a counselor. Well, when I saw him in the student center, I let him know that I talked to Fr. Jim and it went really well. He looked into my eyes and said, "Catherine, you have no idea how happy that makes me to hear you say that." I smiled and said, "Well, I'm stubborn as can be and I wouldn't have done it if you hadn't gotten on my case about it." Then he said, "Pray for humility." He then placed his hand on my head and started praying over me...IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STUDENT CENTER! I was like "Wow!! This is SOOOOOO COOL!!!" Moments like that are what we here at Franciscan call "Only at Franciscan Moments" and that was definitely one of them. Haha. But Fr. Rick prayed that I would be open to God's healing and for humility so I would be less stubborn. Haha. Me, less stubborn? Yeah right. lol. But it was so beautiful. Something like this NEVER would have happened at Xavier. During my time at XU, I felt like the priests cared, but there was just something missing. Here at Franciscan, they truly believe in the power of prayer. I'm not saying the Jesuits at Xavier don't, because I know at least one who is all about the power of prayer, but here, it's just different. Fr. Rick has been such a blessing in my life and it all started from me randomly going to him in Confession. Praise God for the work he's doing in my life!

Happy Feast of the Annunciation!!

Things have been totally amazing so far today. First of all, I consecrated myself to Jesus through Mary tonight. It was a 33-day process and I got to know myself, Mary, and Jesus so much better through the process. I now have a chain bracelet I wear to show that I have consecrated myself and it won't be coming off anytime soon. It's links that are pretty much welded together. The only way it's coming off is if I take wire cutters to it, which won't be happening anytime soon anyway. Haha. But it was such a glorious day! Then tonight I went to a meeting with my household. Tonight, I was given my "big sister" and I am so excited. My big's name is Lauren. She's a nursing major who is so full of joy and just radiates holiness. I wasn't expecting my big to be Lauren, and when the coordinator told me she was my big, I almost started crying. Lauren is such an incredible woman of God who I know is going to challenge me and help me grow in holiness myself. Then, after I got back to my dorm, I checked my e-mail. I e-mailed Fr. Jim (the counselor I saw right before spring break) yesterday telling him the situation about how I really didn't want to have to go through other counselors. I got an e-mail back tonight saying he had an opening and he would gladly meet with me. So, I'm going on Monday morning to meet with him. I think that all happened by the grace of God. Last night at the healing service, I begged God to fix this and I said that if He wanted me to go to counseling, then He had to make something happen, and well, He did. So many of my prayers have been answered on this Solemnity of the Annunciation of Our Lord and I'm so happy right now!! What a phenomenal last few days!!

Healing Service

Last night, the Capuchin Sisters of Nazareth from the Diocese of Scranton, PA came to campus and did a healing service along with Fr. Rick. It was so beautiful. It started off with Eucharistic Adoration (my favorite thing EVER!) and then one of the sisters gave a talk about healing. I definitely teared up a few times during her talk. Then she said that to get the healing we desire, we must come to God with a humble heart. The reason we kneel is to be in a humble position. It's a lot harder to protect yourself if you're kneeling. So Fr. Rick was sitting in the sanctuary, in front of the Blessed Sacrament, which I must say was so awesome to see Christ and his servant sitting before Him. So when it was my turn to go up to be prayed over by Fr. Rick, I knelt before him and told him that I needed healing from all the emotional wounds cutting has left. He then whispered in my ear, "Catherine, God loves you and wants to heal you. So let Him." So Fr. Rick prayed an amazing prayer over me and I began to cry. I knew I had to "Let Go and Let God." So then I went up to the altar to touch the garment touching the Eucharist. As I knelt there before my Savior, my heart began to pound. It was so crazy! The Blessed Sacrament was just so beautiful!! I prayed for a minute and I said, "Lord, you are SO good. I've felt your healing before and that's what I need more than anything. Please, heal my heart." I went back to my pew and just sat there, lost in the presence of the Eucharist. Then my friend Travis walked in with my roommate. They both sat on my right side. Travis put his hand on my shoulder and started praying. Then, out of the blue, my friend Linda comes and whispers in my ear, "Catherine, you're beautiful and God is so very proud of you. He loves you more than anything." I started crying even harder because I know those weren't Linda's words...they were God's. It was so amazing. Then my roommate came and sat on my left side and started praying over me as well. Last night was just so amazing.

I don't know what I've done to deserve the friendship of the amazing people here at Franciscan. I have been so blessed, like I still sometimes can't believe it. MY friends here are so amazing and I don't know how I ever lived without them...I guess, technically I never did. My life sucked before I got here. Now that I have such an amazing support system, I've got my life back.

"A friend is one who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love, and encourages you with hope." -Anonymous

All In

Well, to be completely honest, it was not a good thing for me to be home. I don't know why I have such a hard time when I go home, but I do. I really feel like when I go home, God's no where to be found. It's weird. But I did end up cutting when I was at home and I even found some really sharp single-edged blades and brought them back to school with me. I went to Confession last night and admitted to Fr. Rick that I brought them back with me and he told me to throw them away. So, as hard as it was, I did end up throwing them away. Fr. Greg's also been getting on me about it. So last night he asked me if I really wanted to stop. I told him that I do, or else I wouldn't have gone to see Fr. Jim right before break and I wouldn't have thrown out the blades. He then asked me if I was 100% committed to stopping for good. I said yes. I wouldn't have taken the risk to come here to Franciscan if I didn't want to stop (I was cutting myself 4-5 times a week at Xavier). The last thing he asked me is if I was all in. I said yes. Then he said, "Okay. Go back to the counselor." All I could think was "Are you kidding me??" It took me a minute, but then I agreed. If I want my life back, I have to beat this. I don't know if I'll go back to see the counselor or if I'll talk to one of the nuns here who's a spiritual director. Apparently she's really good, and a friend recommended her, so we'll see. I'm not going to lie, I actually cried last night when thinking about going to counseling because of the horrible experience I had at Xavier. Then I asked Fr. Greg what I'm supposed to do if I want to cut again. He said, "Remember 2 words: ALL IN." So yeah, I'm all in.

I bought a St. Benedict cross today and a few medals to go on a necklace. The St. Benedict cross is said to protect you from demons, so I'm all over that. I actually have one on my keys, but since I don't always have my keys on me, I decided today that I should get one. So I did :) I'm going to have on of the priests on campus bless them for me. I'm really praying that it's going to help me. I've basically run out of options.

I did tell my roommate and my friend that I cut over break and how I was pretty down on myself about it. They said not to worry about it. Healing has begun and not to give up. So with the help of God and my friends, I'm picking myself up and starting over.

I get an e-mail everyday with Catholic quotes. Here was today's. Quite appropriate!
"As for certain lesser faults, we must believe that, before the Final Judgment, there is a purifying fire. He who is truth says that whoever utters blasphemy against the Holy Spirit will be pardoned neither in this age nor in the age to come. From this sentence, we understand that certain offenses can be forgiven in this age, but certain others in the age to come."
- Pope St. Gregory the Great

Already Home - Thousand Foot Krutch

I love this song. It sounds a lot different than Thousand Foot Krutch's usual sound (which is why I think I like it. haha)



The trouble with truth is it never lies
And the trouble with wrong’s
That it’s never right
So I rest my head under Your light
The trouble with peace, is it never fights
And the trouble with love’s
That it’s always blind
I want to walk to the edge of it
Tonight, and I fall down

I am on my knees
‘Cause You’re everything I need
And I’ve made a mess of myself
On my own
Now I am on my face
And I’m calling out Your name
And I won’t run away
‘Cause I’m already home

The trouble with tears is that they dry
And the trouble within
Made me wanna cry
I’ve never felt so much like I’m alive
I wanna open my eyes and see Your face
If I have to wait a thousand days
I’ll still be right here, right next to You
And I fall down

I am on my knees
‘Cause You’re everything I need
And I’ve made a mess of myself
On my own
Now I am on my face
And I’m calling out Your name
And I won’t run away
‘Cause I’m already home

And I know I haven’t always been
Where You wanted me
I’m standin’ here, arms out
Broken down
Before You

I am on my knees
‘Cause You’re everything I need
And I’ve made a mess of myself
On my own
Now I am on my face
And I’m calling out Your name
And I won’t run away
‘Cause I’m already home

Healing Begins - Tenth Avenue North

Tenth Avenue North's new song could not have come out at a better time in my life. It's called "Healing Begins" and it's funny because it came out right around the time God started healing my heart. It's an awesome song and I cannot wait for the new album to come out in May!



So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

A Visit to Xavier

I visited Xavier today and I'm not going to lie, it was weird. All kinds of feelings came rushing back. Right now, I'm thanking God I go to Franciscan. I was in such a bad place when I was there. It was not good. I was not friends with the right people there, and when I was with them today, I noticed I started acting differently...the way I was before I left...the person I hated. It took me leaving Xavier to realize what a bad place it was for me. It was A LOT harder to be there today than I thought. I was so glad to get home and away from that unhealthy environment.

Some good stuff did happen when I was there though. Around 4:30, I went to Fr. Wagner's office, hoping that he'd be there. He's a math professor at Xavier and he actually helped me through a lot my freshman year. Right before my grandma died, I asked him for help and he became kind of like a spiritual director. I cannot tell you how many times I stopped by his office on the verge of tears. The poor guy probably got sick of seeing me. But he helped more than he'll ever know. Anyway, I popped my head in and he was like "What the heck are you doing here? This is a boring place to spend your spring break, Catherine!" I was like "Hey! You know you missed me! I came to make sure you weren't missing me too much!" So I sat down and we talked for a few minutes. He asked me how things were at Franciscan were and he told me he could tell that I was a lot happier, which I genuinely am. He then asked me about the cutting. I said the issue has been resolved, which it really has (Not a single impulse since I got prayed over at the FOP). He said he was really glad, and I totally agreed. Fr. Wagner told me that he was wondering about me the other day, hoping everything was going well, and they truly are.

I also got to visit with the Catholic group on campus, Life After Sunday. Those people kept me going when I was there. I prayed the Rosary with them and then hung out with them a little while afterward. They're such beautiful people and I pray for them every day.

It was a day full of ups and downs and I'm so glad to be home, that's for sure. I also can't wait to go back to Steubenville. It's been kinda hard being home because my parents don't really understand my spirituality right now. I don't think I'll be coming back to Cincinnati after graduation. I didn't realize how bad I needed to get out of this city until I got back. I'm just realizing how blessed I am to be at Franciscan and tonight, I'm thanking God a lot for what has happened. I'm getting my faith back, slowly but surely, and if all this crap (my bad time at Xavier, having to have surgery, etc) happened just so I could get to Franciscan, I'm fine with it. Praise God!

Counseling

I cannot even begin to explain how frustrated I am right now. On Monday, I went to Confession to Fr. Rick. We talked for like 20 minutes. I explained to him the cutting (I haven't cut in 2 weeks) and stuff and then he asked me something I never expected. He said, "If I talk to Fr. Jim, who's one of the counselors, will you go see him?" I was extremely hesitant and after Fr. Rick pushed it some more, I finally said I would. He had me write down my name and phone number. Fr. Rick called me Tuesday and said Fr. Jim could meet with me Thursday evening. I was really hesitant and even tried to make an excuse not to go, but it didn't work. So I met with Fr. Jim last night...He's really nice and he's a good counselor. Here's the problem: he doesn't have time for any more patients. I understand that, I really do, but I can't keep spilling my life story to people. It hurts too much! It's so frustrating because as much as I didn't want to meet with Fr. Jim last night, I still did. My stomach was churning the entire hour before I went. I didn't want to see a counselor because things are going okay right now and I haven't wanted to cut in a long time, and I don't want things to get bad again. One of the counselors I had at Xavier made my life a living hell. I never want to feel like that again. So all the courage it took to walk up to the friary last night to meet with him, it was pointless. I probably won't be going to any of the people he recommended. I can't keep telling different people I cut myself because then it brings up the pain from the past.

So yeah, as you can tell, I'm really frustrated because I'm pretty much stuck. Right now, I'm relying on God to tell me what to do. If he wants me to go to a counselor, then He's gotta make it blatantly obvious that it'll work if I go. Otherwise, it's not happening.

I Intented!!!

Here on campus, we have what are called households. Basically, they're a lot like sororities and fraternities, but hardcore Catholic. Well, tonight, I finally joined one. I joined the Servants of the Eucharistic Heart of Jesus. While I'm in my intent period, I'm called a "Little Servant" and I cannot even begin to explain to you how amazing my household sisters are. They're such beautiful women who are SO in love with the Lord. I can only hope and pray to one day have the faith that these beautiful ladies have. I joined this household because of the special place the Eucharist holds in my heart. I was born and raised Catholic, but God didn't become real to me until I was 16 and I was on a retreat when God radically changed my life forever. I cannot wait to get to know every single one of these ladies better because they are so freakin' amazing!!! Praise God!!!!!

This is a picture of the back of my shirt. When you intent to a household, you have to make a shirt and wear it on certain days. Mine's become quite popular. Hahaha.

F.O.P.

We had a Festival of Praise here on campus last night and it was REALLY good. As I was praying, Fr. Dominic went up on stage and did his crazy awesome evangelical stuff he does. Haha. He started talking about how it's finally time to let go of the darkness in our hearts and live in the light. When he said that, my heart started pounding. I knew something had changed. I still don't know exactly what it was, but something felt different. Then after the FOP, my friend and I went over to the chapel to get prayed over. I was placed with 3 absolutely amazing girls. I told them that I'd been struggling with cutting for a year and a half and that nothing's worked and that I'm hoping God can fix it. They prayed over me and it was beautiful. I cannot even begin to explain it. I really did feel the power of the Holy Spirit last night. I was almost slain in the Spirit. I had to catch myself because I really wasn't in the mood to hit the chapel floor. Haha. Something definitely changed in me last. Maybe healing began last night. I don't know. We'll see what God's got in store for me.

The Everything Skit

If you haven't seen the Everything Skit, you're at a great loss. I've been in it twice and in April, I'll be in it for the third time. It's so moving to be in it, I'm not even kidding. Just watch it.