I'm So Weak

I’m so weak. I let the enemy beat me tonight. I took his attack and listened to the lies: I’m worthless, I’m a hypocrite, I wouldn’t be a good missionary, no one REALLY loves me, no man will ever love me because of the scars covering my arm and legs, etc. I let the enemy win. I didn’t even put up a fight. I just let the lies in and believed them. I’m a hypocrite because I’m always talking about finding peace in Christ and healing in Him, when by cutting, I’m saying that I don’t trust in Christ and in His love for me. I’m always telling people not to give up and stay strong, and here I am, giving up and being weak.


Tonight, as I watched the blood leave the cuts I made on my leg, which were actually pretty deep, and drip into the bathtub, I felt like I was watching life leave my body. I took a sick pleasure in it. 


Now, my leg hurts like you wouldn't fucking believe. At least I can actually feel something. I know I'm alive.


God, I'm so screwed up.


P.S. - Sorry for the profanity.

Images and Quotes

“Scars show where we’ve been, they don’t have to dictate where we’re going.” -Criminal Minds

“And I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means I survived.” -Chris Cleave

"A really strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled by her scars." -Carly Simon

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." -Khalil Gibran 

"There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with." -Harry Crews

St. Simon of Cyrene

So, I went to Confession to Fr. Rick last night and I let it all out. I admitted to him that I'd started cutting on my wrists and that one night this week I cut on my wrists with the mentality of if it killed me, it was supposed to happen that way. I think that kind of freaked him out. Fr. Rick's trying so hard to understand how in the world I can think like that. It's hard for someone who's never taken a blade to their skin and made themselves bleed to understand. Fr. Rick is trying really hard to understand, and I appreciate that SO much, but it's still hard.

He kinda gave me a reality check. This is kinda graphic, but it's exactly what he told me. I was talking about how I was ready to quit and he asked me if I really wanted someone, like one of my friends, to find me in a pool of my own blood. I told him of course not. That's one thing that has kept me from actually going through with it (I do have suicide thoughts sometimes). I can't imagine someone finding my body somewhere. I just can't handle that.

He reminded me that I'm not alone. He said that I'm definitely not the only one dealing with this, which trust me, I know. It's hard because it's still such a taboo thing, even though it's actually really common. Fr. Rick told me that if I was on his end of Confession, I'd be shocked. He then said something that has never even entered my mind in the last 3 years. He reminded me that even Jesus needed help carrying the Cross. St. Simon of Cyrene was pulled from the crowd to help Christ carry the Cross. Well, I sure as hell am not Jesus, so I definitely need someone to help me. He asked me who here on campus knows about it. Fr. Rick, Joe (my counselor), and my friend Nicki knew as of Confession. He asked me if there was anyone here who I could tell, who would it be. I said my friend Joey, because he knows all of everything from last summer. So, Fr. Rick made my penance to pray for the courage to tell Joey about it and ask for help. So, I did. Joey actually brought it up in the car on the way back to my apartment last night. He was just like "Hey...that stuff from last summer...how's that going?" So, I told him that I had stopped in Austria and now I was struggling with it again. So, I think I may have found my Simon of Cyrene. I'm really hoping that Joey is the person that I can share my burden with.

Everything that was said by Fr. Rick last night was a confirmation of what Joe told me in counseling yesterday. He asked me what I needed the most when I was about to cut, and I told him that usually because I feel so alone, that I need people. Joe said that not only do I need other people, but I need to be loved by those people. Usually I would go to Fr. Greg for that, but because I'm still feeling like such a burden, I've backed off talking to him right now. I know he's worried, but I just can't handle being that burden to him anymore. So, I'm still working on finding the people who I can pretty much run to when I'm wanting to cut. Right now, Joey's going to be that person. I have a lot of people I could go to, but I can't handle feeling like a burden to anyone anymore, so that's why my prayer for right now is that he would bring people into my life that I can go to when I need people and not feel like such a burden.

Stuff On My Mind

So...this post is going to be all over the place. There's just a lot of stuff on my mind. Just stay with me.


First, I feel like I need to give an explanation of why I have this blog. It's more for me than anyone else. It began as an online journal, then just kinda evolved from there. If it helps others, GREAT! But if not, then that's okay too. It's my journal, basically. 


Second, there's a certain someone I miss having in my life. I know it's better that we aren't talking because we ALWAYS end up fighting about something, but I miss him. We used to text for hours every night. I'd fall asleep while texting him. We did that every night for almost 2 months. It's hard because I miss him so much. He probably doesn't even care though.


Third, I am so beyond blessed to go to Franciscan University. I will be a senior in the fall, but before I transferred here a year and a half ago, I had no idea that people like my friends existed. I knew about God, but I realized that I didn't actually know God. Now, that’s changed. I took full advantage of their study abroad program and was in Austria from January-May 2011. My life was forever changed. I truly found God there. When I drive up the hill to campus, I probably look like an idiot. I still smile because I can’t believe I go to the most Catholic university in the world. The Franciscan friars are the holiest men of God that I've ever met. They have such a zeal for God and it is an absolutely beautiful example to the students. I was so unworthy, but God called me here and my life has been so radically altered, that I thank Him for it every single day. 


Fourth, man, do I feel like a burden to people. That's why I feel so alone. I don't really talk to many people about my struggle because I don't want to burden them. I'm still struggling with cutting right now. I feel like such a burden to Fr. Greg and Fr. Rick. It's awful. I've backed off talking to both Fr. Greg and Fr. Rick because I feel like such a horrible burden. Fr. Brad will be back in Steubenville on Monday and I'm afraid I'm going to start feeling like I'm a burden to him. That's part of the reason I miss that certain someone. I didn't feel like a burden to him. I haven't been able to meet with my counselor in over 2 weeks. Seeing him on Tuesday will help.


Fifth, I want to be done with school so bad right now. If I could, I'd drop everything I'm doing and go back to Romania as a full-time missionary. Fr. Remus, the priest we worked with in Romania, is actually looking for a full-time missionary to teach the new youth catechism to the youth in Romania. Guess who would do ANYTHING to have that job? Me! I'm just so restless. I need the peace of Christ.


Toss up a prayer for me, a prayer for perseverance, increased trust in the Lord, and peace in my heart and mind.

Right Beside You - Building 429

I've seen it. I've felt it. Helplessness with no lifeline
The wicked are feeding on innocence and I decline
'cause you and I, we are the same
We're torn apart by different things
oh, our faith is barely alive
but we're gonna make it through the night
I want you to know

When the world is on your back
and you think that you will never last
When you're lonely and you are confused
I'll be right beside you
When the walls are closing in
and you think you'd rather sink than swim
When there's nothing left for you to lose
I'll be right beside you, I'll be with you

We are precious, more than priceless is our worth
loved by the Father, heaven's children here on Earth
and you and I, we are the same.
Lifted up above the pain
By His wounds we have been healed
and in our love He is revealed
I want you to know (I need you to know)

When the world is on your back
and you think that you will never last
When you're lonely and you are confused
I'll be right beside you
When the walls are closing in
and you think you'd rather sink than swim
When there's nothing left for you to lose
I'll be right beside you, I'll be with you

Hold on, don't let go of me
I'll be here through it all
Hold on when you're ready to fall
I will carry you, I will never leave you,

I will lift you if you fall

When the world is on your back
and you think that you will never last
When you're lonely and you are confused
I'll be right beside you
When the walls are closing in
and you think you'd rather sink than swim
When there's nothing left for you to lose
I'll be right beside you, I'll be with you

New Tattoo

I got a new tattoo tonight. This is a reminder that I CAN'T give up, even when I want to. Fr. Rick was the first person to share this verse with me last summer. Then, a few weeks ago, Fr. Seraphim quoted it in Confession. The timing of me choosing to get this was perfect. I can't give up. I can't let Fr. Greg, Fr. Rick, and Fr. Brad's time be a waste. I'm not going to be a disappointment to people anymore.

“Fight the good fight of faith; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called, and you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses.” -1 Timothy 6:12

Meeting with Fr. Rick

I literally just got done talking to Fr. Rick. Besides my friends who didn't go to Austria with us, he was who I missed the most. He's such an incredible man of God.

The other night, I sent him a Facebook message letting him know that I needed to talk to him, that things were where they were at the end of the fall semester. So, he messaged me back late last night asking me to meet him today. So, I went up to the chapel and met up with him. We went to the area by the Port (our Adoration chapel on campus) where there is the tomb of the unborn child. We sat down on the benches and all I said was "My life is a mess." I knew he already knew that. So, he asked me for all the gory details. He wanted to know what my thought process is before, during, and after I cut. He wanted to know exactly why I cut. He wanted to know where I cut. So, I told him. He now knows my thought process a little better. He asked me how my prayer life is. I said it wasn't really there. He said, "Why? Too cool for God? Don't think you need Him?" I sat there for a second before I answered. I said, "No...too broken." He took my face in his hands, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "No one is more broken than He was on the Cross. It's impossible to be more broken than He was on the Cross." He asked if I had blades here at my apartment. I told him that I did and he said he wanted every single one of them. He really is starting to gain a collection of my blades. Last summer, I gave him everything and a year later, here I am doing the same thing. After we talked for a while, he said, "Catherine, what can I do for you?" I said, "You know, I don't really know. I feel like no one can do anything for me right now." Then he said, "Well, I can at least pray over you." I haven't ever had someone pray over me like he did today. I've been prayed over a lot, but not a single one of them was anything like this. There are no words for what happened.

Starting right now, everything changes.

Fears vs. Dreams

This was just posted by To Write Love On Her Arms. It brought tears to my eyes. This is why I love TWLOHA so much. They restore hope. As they say, "Hope is real."

Seventy Three

73...the number of cuts on my arms and legs it took tonight for me to feel anything.

What is wrong with me? I feel like any hope that was there is gone.

Jesus, help me. Please. I'm begging You.

I wish...

From PostSecret.com