The Nail That Saved My Life

If you really want to know what's going on with me while I'm here in Austria, you should follow my other blog at www.englandinaustria.blogspot.com. I'm not going to be updating this nearly as much.

Yesterday, we took a day trip to Vienna. It was an awesome day. There was one thing that was the most incredible of all. We went to the National Treasury, which is the biggest reliquary in Austria. If you don't know what a relic is, it's a piece of a bone or their clothing of a saint. While we were there, we saw one of the thorns that was on Jesus' crown of thorns, but what hit us all the hardest was that they have one of the nails that was used to kill Jesus. I saw one of the nails that saved my life. Seeing it made everything more real. It was tangible proof of my faith. It was a life changing moment. I had no idea they had one of the nails until my friend was like "Oh my gosh. You have got to see this!" I walked into the room and looked at the 9 inch nail. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that the DNA of my Lord and Savior was just behind a piece of glass. All me and my friends could do was stand there in complete awe. We all said a prayer while in the room and thanked Jesus for His sacrifice.

Now, what does this have to do with my cutting? Well, I haven't cut in a long time and I haven't wanted to. Seeing that nail made Christ's sacrifice so much more real. That's the sacrifice I told Him wasn't good enough for 2 years. With the help of Jesus, the Blessed Mother, St. Michael, and St. Padre Pio, I'm not going to cut ever again.

"Worth the Wait" - 33Miles

God's timing is perfect. That's one thing He's consistently teaching me. "In His time, you'll be fine."



I can see your heart is yearning
Everything is so unclear
Is the answer ever coming
After all these years?
It’s not an easy feeling
Sometimes it seems unfair
But He knows just what He’s doing
With unanswered prayers
So hold on

It’s worth the wait
Just keep believing
God has perfect timing
Never early, never late
It takes a little patience 
And it takes a lot of faith
But it’s worth the wait

What if what you’re desperate for
Isn’t what you really need
What if there was something more
Than what you dreamed
We may not always see
We may not understand
But He knows just what He’s doing
He’s got a bigger plan
So hold on

It’s worth the wait
Just keep believing
God has perfect timing
Never early, never late
It takes a little patience 
And it takes a lot of faith
But it’s worth the wait
In His time, you’ll be fine
All this waiting, now, is by design

It’s worth the wait
Just keep believing
God has perfect timing
Never early, never late
It takes a little patience 
And it takes a lot of faith
But it’s worth the wait
In His time, you’ll be fine
All this waiting, now, is by design

The Person I Am and Who I Used To Be

I just went through and read every single on of my blog posts starting back in September 2009. Man, I have come a LONG way from where I used to be. I read some of those posts and could tell that the person writing that was not the person I am today. She was lost, hopeless, angry, sad, etc. A few times I was like, "Holy crap...I wrote that stuff? Man...I'm glad I'm not who I used to be." The way I became who I am today: God. My life only started to change my attitude about life. By constantly focusing on the bad stuff, it blocks your ability to see the good things. When I changed my attitude, I became closer to Christ. I finally could say sincerely to God that I was ready for Him to help me. I said that prayer probably 1,000 times in the last 2 years, but I never said it sincerely. I was never really ready to give God control. Well, I was finally ready and God began to heal my heart. I haven't cut since December 23, but this time, I'm not counting days. I'm counting the fact that in the last 6 months, I've only cut 5 times, which is a HUGE improvement from my time at Xavier and when things were bad this summer. The suicide thoughts have gone away because God has shown me what a gift life really is and how precious it is. I actually believe that people genuinely love me.
I no longer ask myself, "Can this person really love me? They must be faking it. How long before they leave, just like everyone else?" I'm beginning to trust people more (which was a really big problem). I'm really feeling the love of God. I've spent at least 20 minutes in prayer every day for the last week. First, I've talked to God the Father, then Jesus, then the Holy Spirit, then Mama Mary, St. Michael, and Padre Pio. I know that praying to all these specific people may sound ridiculous, but it's truly helping. Yesterday, I went to Confession after noon Mass with Fr. Tom, the pastor of my parish. I'd emailed him on Sunday telling him I was about to go to Austria and I wanted to get to Confession before I left. It was a really good Confession. I told him how I'd cut a few times since I came home, how I'd tried to replace the cutting with other things that were NOT good, how I'd rejected God's love for me and other's love for me. The rejecting love thing hasn't been lately, but it's been there since the last time I went to Confession, which was right before finals began. I walked out feeling like I had a clean slate and that I was created good. A few tears fell as I talked to Fr. Tom about this stuff, but I was genuinely sorry for having done all this stuff. I'm feeling better than I have in a really long time. I sent Fr. Greg a few texts the other night and he responded with, "Wow...you're finally getting it and I can tell you actually believe it." I really feel like I'm going in the right direction.

God's really healing my heart and a lot of it is coming from the program I'm doing. Today's day 38 of the program and it's really helped. I told my friend Christina, who's going to Austria with me, that I want the 4 months we spend in Europe to be like a big retreat. I'm looking for ongoing conversion over there. She told me that she did too, so we're going to do that together. Fr. Rick gave me specific directions to go to visit the Blessed Sacrament every day while I'm over there, which I definitely agreed to. I texted one of my friends who's going to be one of my roommates and asked her if she'd make sure I go to the chapel every night. She said only if I'd make her go too. So, yay for accountability partners! I'm really, really looking forward to my time in Austria. It'll be the experience of a lifetime and honestly, it'll be really good to get away from home and Steubenville for a little while. The reason I want to get away from Steubenville has absolutely nothing to do with needing to get away from people. After living in the poorest city in Ohio for a year, I just need a little time away. So, it's sounding to me like I need some time away from the entire U.S., which I'll be getting 4 days from now. Fr. Rick e-mailed me just to check on me a few days after Christmas. I was brutally honest with him and told him what all had been going on. He responded in his usual loving way, and told me that he'd be praying that "2011 is a  year full of healing and joyful experiences in Europe." I just have this feeling inside of me that my time in Austria is going to change me a lot. I'm not taking any blades over to Austria with me, so I won't be cutting while I'm there. I'm going to be there until May. What a victory when I come back clean for 4 more months!

Wow...I can really tell that the virtue of hope has increased in my heart a lot lately. Glory to God!

The next time I post, I'll probably be in Austria! Please pray for safe travels for all of us. Thanks!

The People at Franciscan

I was thinking this morning about how blessed I am to go to a hardcore Catholic school like Franciscan University of Steubenville. It's a blessing that I totally don't deserve, so it's a very humbling experience. Being a student at Franciscan is an indescribable experience. Franciscan is so much more than just a college. That's something you can't understand if you've never been a student there. Fr. Rick told me in Confession once that people are called to Franciscan for a reason. It's such a place of healing, which I'm noticing more and more that he's completely right. 

God truly makes Himself known there, especially through the people. The people I know at Franciscan are the most incredible people I've ever met. They are genuinely kind, willing to help with anything. Most people are non-judgmental when you share your struggles with them because almost everyone at Franciscan has had some crap happen to them in their past. God tends to rock people's world when something crappy is going on. My friend Josh once told me that friendships that come from going to Franciscan University are not superficial (all of mine at Xavier were. I rarely talk to anyone from Xavier anymore.). Franciscan friendships are rooted in Christ. There's something deeper to every friendship. I know that my friends at Franciscan are ones that I will keep for the rest of my life. I have so much love for every single person in my "Franciscan Family" and I deeply respect every one of them. 

This is us right before finals started on the hill in West Virginia that overlooks the Ohio River and Steubenville. Some of them weren't able to come on this trip to the hill, but this is most of my "family." I don't know what I would do without these incredible people!

I leave for Austria on Saturday, the 15th. I'll keep updating this blog when I can.

"You Are More" Tattoo

I know for sure that either over the summer or next fall semester I'm getting another tattoo. I'm getting this one on my right arm. I already have a white tattoo on my left arm inspired by To Write Love On Her Arms. I'd thought about getting "Hope" tattooed in white ink on my other arm, but I think this is what I'm going to get.

I want the "You Are" on the first line and "More" under it. I want it about 2 inches below my wrist, which is about where my other tattoo is. This was inspired by Tenth Avenue North's song "You Are More" and it would just be a constant reminder that I am more than just a cutter. I am a woman of God, created in His image, unconditionally loved by the Lord. To me, there couldn't be a better reminder. I'm almost 100% sure that this is what I'm going to get.

I know I've posted this video before along with the lyrics. I'm going to post it because it means so much to me. This song is the only one that has ever really completely described my story.




There's a girl in the corner 
With tear stains on her eyes 
From the places she's wandered 
And the shame she can't hide 

She says, "How did I get here? 
I'm not who I once was. 
And I'm crippled by the fear 
That I've fallen too far to love" 

But don't you know who you are, 
What's been done for you? 
Yeah don't you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

Well she tries to believe it 
That she's been given new life 
But she can't shake the feeling 
That it's not true tonight 

She knows all the answers 
And she's rehearsed all the lines 
And so she'll try to do better 
But then she's too weak to try 
But don't you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

'Cause this is not about what you've done, 
But what's been done for you. 
This is not about where you've been, 
But where your brokenness brings you to 

This is not about what you feel, 
But what He felt to forgive you, 
And what He felt to make you new. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You've been remade 
You've been remade. 
You've been remade. 
You've been remade.

"Esther" - Esterlyn and Update

I'm a huge fan of this song. It's so chill, but there's so much meaning within it. Plus, it starts out with Psalm 147:3 :)



I'm halfway done with By His Wounds. It's been really hard and I dread having to do it every night, but I do it anyway. It really is changing my perspective on cutting. It kinda grosses me out right now. It's weird. I don't think that's come from the program though. I think that's me. What is coming from the program is my slow realization that cutting is an evil lie and that I could actually go to hell for it. That's not what I want. I want to spend eternity with my God who loves me and who I love. So, I'm going to beat this once and for all.