One Step Forward, 2 Steps Back

Well, my "huge" step to recovery didn't last too long...Some crap happened today and I ended up taking apart a razor and cutting with the blades. My forearm is now covered in cuts from 2 inches below my wrist to almost my elbow...It's not a pretty sight. I know I shouldn't have, but I just got so overwhelmed. I'm trying to figure out how to tell Fr. Robert or really even if I want to. Right now, I just feel like a hopeless case. Nothing is giving me enough reason to quit. I know it hurts the people I love and I know it could kill me, but for some reason, that's not enough. I absolutely HATE that I haven't found a reason to quit. It's really, really frustrating. I cannot even describe how frustrated I am with myself right now. I know Fr. Robert's frustrated with me, but I know he knows this isn't something I can really help. But here's the thing...take Fr. Robert's frustration and multiply it by like 10. That's how frustrated I am with myself. For some reason, I'm constantly going back to the blade. It's making me feel like I'm never going to be able to stop.

A HUGE Step Toward Recovery

So today, I took a HUGE step towards stopping my self-injury. I am really good friends with one of the priests at my church, Fr. Robert. He and I had quite a long conversation yesterday. He told me that this has got to stop or this is going to kill me. Of course, I already knew that, but having someone else tell me made me realize how serious this all really is. Fr. Robert is genuinely concerned about me and I could tell when he said that to me yesterday. His tone absolutely broke my heart. I almost started crying. So last night, I decided I was going to get rid of my blades. Before I came to this conclusion, I did end up cutting. There was a lot of drama that occurred last night. It was ridiculous. But when I was done cutting, I decided that I was going to get rid of the blades. I tried so hard to throw them away, but I just couldn't. I just couldn't drop the blades into the trash can, so I e-mailed Fr. Robert and asked him if he'd do me a favor. I asked him if I stopped by his office and gave him the blades, would he get rid of them for me. He gladly accepted and as soon as I walked into his office this afternoon, the first thing he said to me was "Give them to me, NOW!" I hesitated for a second and then handed all 4 blades to him. He took them and put them in a drawer and locked the drawer.

By giving Fr. Robert my blades, I no longer have anything to cut with. It was extremely hard for me to give them to him today, but I knew that it had to be done. I also promised him that I would not cut the rest of the time I am at home. I am not one to break promises, so I know for sure that I will not be cutting for the next week and a half.


And you will know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. They answered Him, "We are Abraham's descendants and have never yet been enslaved to anyone; how is it that You say, 'You will become free'?" Jesus answered them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son does remain forever. So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed."
- John 8:32-36

The Way She Feels - Between The Trees

This song is an incredible one. I cannot even describe how it makes me feel. Between The Trees isn't technically a Christian band, but this song definitely involves God at the end. It also reminds me a lot of my conversations with John. It's just an incredible song. The music video was put together by Between The Trees and the INCREDIBLE organization, To Write Love On Her Arms.



Shes upset
Bad day
Heads for the dresser drawer to
Drive her pain away
Nothing good can come of this.
She opens it theres nothing there
Is only left over tears
Mom and dad had no right she screams
As the anger runs down both of her cheeks.

Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows as she cries

All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Bite the lip just forget the bleeding

Then she closed her eyes
And found relief in a knife
The blood flows as she cries [x2]

Curled up shes on the floor
Relief left her she had hoped for something more
From it (hoped for something more)
From it
He leans down to comfort her
She is weeping and He
Wraps His arms around
And around and around and...
The deeper you cut
The deeper I hurt
The deeper you cut
It only gets worse

Now shes slowly opening...
New eyes...

Then she opened her eyes
And found relief through His life
And put down her knives

Then she opened her life
And found relief through His eyes
And put down
She put down her life

Forgiveness

My friend sent me this picture today. It almost made me cry. It's now the background of my phone.

I have HUGE issues with forgiveness. It doesn't take me long to forgive others, but when it comes to forgiving myself, yeah right. It took me 2 1/2 years after I stopped cutting in high school for me to forgive myself. I was at a Steubenville youth conference in Atlanta when God finally gave me the grace to forgive myself. I haven't stopped cutting, so right now, me forgiving myself is almost out of the question. I have to quit first. I asked Fr. Greg once why it's so hard for people to forgive themselves and he told me it's because people don't understand God's forgiveness. Then he challenged me to go to Confession weekly for the next year. If you don't know this by now, I trust Fr. Greg more than almost anyone. Therefore, I'm going to do my absolute best to do it. So far, so good. This past summer, he asked me to go to Adoration everyday for 30 days and he promised I'd be changed. He was right. I did it for all 30 days, even though at one point things got REALLY bad. I almost quit going because I was so angry with God. So what I did was I went for like 15 minutes a day and let God hear it. I was so angry that a lot of times I would start to cry. I told God how angry I was at Him, I asked Him how He could let all this crap constantly come back in my life, etc. After 30 days, things did get better. That's why I'm open to weekly Confession for a year. It might sound like a lot, but I really know it's not. Fr. Greg told me I had to be open to God's grace if this weekly Confession is going to work. I'm doing my absolute best to be as open as possible. Forgiving myself is just not something I'm good at. Fr. Greg said that as soon as I feel God's forgiveness, I'll be able to forgive myself. So, I'm giving this a shot. I guess we'll see where it goes.

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." -Lewis B. Smedes

I'm My Own Worst Enemy

Being a self-injurer, I can tell you that I am my own worst enemy. I basically torture myself. It's so weird. No one is a harsher critic of me than myself. I'm always beating myself up when I do something stupid, make a mistake, or cut. There's a song by Red called "Fight Inside" which pretty much describes the internal fight that goes on inside me. One part of me is always saying "Don't cut. You know it only makes things worse." The other part of me says "It's 5 minutes of relief. That's better than nothing." So basically, there's a fight going on inside me.



Enemy, familiar friend
My beginning and my end
Knowing truth
Whispering lies, and it hurts again

What I fear, what I try
The words I say and what I hide
All the pain; I want it to end
But I want it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's still the same
Pursuing pain
Isn't worth the light I've gained
We both know how this will end
But I do it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again
And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without you
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's nothing
(It's everything)
It's nothing
(It's everything)
It's nothing
(It's everything)
It's nothing
It's everything!

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again
And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without you
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's breaking me!
It's breaking me!

I'm falling apart!
I'm falling apart!

New Year Spiritual Resolutions

I helped out with my church's youth group last night. We had a Christmas party that was OFF THE HOOK!! First, we went to Adoration and did a sweet reflection on the Parable of the Sower. It was pretty awesome to have Jesus there as we read His words. After we read the parable, we were given 4 questions to think about. I figured I'd share them and my answers with you.

1) What is my life like right now? The path, the rocky ground, the thorns, or good soil?
-My life is definitely the thorns right now. I'm always having experiences (like tonight) where my faith is strengthened, but then something ALWAYS happens to make me fall away again.

2)What were the ways in which I cultivates a place for God in my life?
-Getting very involved with Life After Sunday, the Catholic group on Xavier's campus (A Catholic group on a Catholic college campus...Weird, I know), going on the Eyes of Faith retreat, where the idea of going to Steubenville was first planted in my head, going on Credo, listening to God and deciding to go to Steubenville.

3) What have been the things in life that have led me further from God this year?
-Cutting, drinking, suicidal thoughts, never taking time to pray

4) What can I do to cultivate my life to receive Jesus more in 2010?
-STOP CUTTING, pray more, get professional help for cutting, quit living my life for myself,m read more Scripture

After the reflection, I went and talked to my friend, Russ, who's about to be ordained a deacon in the spring. He knows about my cutting because he was on the retreat over the summer where I gave my testimony. He and I talked for a while about what's going on. I explained how I wasn't sure if I was going to Steubenville because I wanted to or because God wanted me to. He told me it really didn't matter because I'm going to an INCREDIBLE place and holiness just radiates from every inch of that campus. He told me not to worry, that he has complete faith in me, and that God loves me more than I'll ever know. He then said something that I know is going to stick with me for a long time. He said, "Catherine, you've suffered for a long time with some really rough stuff. But you know what? That means you're like Him." He pointed to the Blessed Sacrament exposed on the altar. I just sat there thinking, "Yeah. He's right. Jesus knows how I'm feeling even when I can't put the feelings into words." Then, Russ prayed over me and it was awesome. I can't even describe it. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I started to cry. I could feel the love of God. Russ reminded me how loved I am. It was incredible.

Cut - Plumb

This song puts some of the feelings of cutting into words better than I can ever explain. The lines in bold are the ones that hit the closest to me.



I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile frame aged
with misery
And when our eyes meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Oh I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut

Some Encouraging Words from Fr. Greg

Fr. Greg and I have been texting on and off today. Things have been REALLY rough over the last few days. I ended up cutting pretty bad last night. I was on the verge of telling my parents I needed to go to the hospital. I told him that last night and today he texted me asking how far I was from DC. I told him it's about 8 hours and asked why he wanted to know. He told me that if DC wasn't expecting 20 inches of snow, he was going to take a road trip out here because he was worried about me. That meant a lot. I never thought he'd be willing to do that, but now I know that he really would do anything for me. Here are some of the texts he sent me throughout the day as we were talking that really made me realize I'm loved.

"So you have at least 5 people who love you deeply and want you to quit cutting, and that's not enough to quit?"

"By the way, I love you and think the world of you." I asked him why he thought the world of a boring 19-year-old college kid and here's how he responded: "Because you have a great heart and truly want to grow in holiness...Not every 19-year-old reaches out to a priest as much as you do. It's a sign of you reaching out to Christ. Your question a moment ago reminded me of this and how amazing you are."

"Catherine England, some of the holiest people in the church are those who are trying to get out of serious sin...They keep coming to the church, open to Grace. That's you right now at 19...It impresses me more than you know. Trust me, it's impressive and inspiring."

It meant a lot to hear that from him. Fr. Greg is one of the people I respect most in my life. He saved my life with the blessing he did over me during the March for Life last year. I have never met a man more open to God than Fr. Greg. I completely trust him in every way. He has changed my life and shown me that God can work through people. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for all of his encouragement and faith in me. He thinks way more highly of me than I think of myself. Fr. Greg is one of those few people who it would absolutely devastate me if I let him down. God placed Fr. Greg in my life at the time when I needed someone to lead me to Him, and I can't imagine a better person to do that.

I am the broken among the broken...

Here's a prayer I found today which I absolutely love. It's called "Prayers for Broken People"

Lord, deliver me from my despair.
Give me strength that I might continue to fight.
I am tired, I am lonely and I feel I am alone among the mad.
I know I am not alone but my heart breaks.
Help me, save me… I try so hard, yet I know I should try harder and that there is much I could do but do not…
Have mercy on me, help me be a better instrument, a better servant and a better healer for those that come before me.
Save me from pride, from arrogance, and help me remember that I am broken among the broken.
Give me wisdom to discern what I can and cannot do, and what I must walk to and away from.
Lord, save me.
Amen.

Matthew 6:25-34

Tonight at my church, we did another Ignatian Spiritual Exercise. This time it was with Matthew 6:25-34. The passage says

"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the (H)grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?'For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

The last verse is my favorite. One day, Fr. Greg texted me "Matthew 6:34. Go read it." So I did. I instantly fell in love with the verse. It was on a post-it note on my desk for a while last year and this past year it was posted above my desk at school. I always prayed this verse as soon as I started to get worried about something. Since I'm at home right now, I don't have the verse anywhere, and to be completely honest, I'd totally forgotten about it until tonight. It was like a reminder by God that things are going to be okay and that He's got things taken care of.

No Feeling of a Clean Slate

Well, I broke my promise to God not to cut during Advent. There's been a lot of drama going on lately and it just got to be too much. Well, as soon as I broke that promise on Sunday night, I knew I had to get to Confession ASAP. Luckily, when I was at Mass at my church on Sunday morning, they made an announcement about a Penance Service at another church just down the street. I took advantage of that and went. At my doctor's appointment yesterday, Dr. Cooper told me I could drive again, and you have no idea how much easier that's made my life. Yeah, it was only yesterday, but I pretty much feel like she gave me my freedom back yesterday when she said "Yes, Catherine. You can drive again." Back to the penance service though. I went to Fr. Robert and as soon as I walked in, before he even saw me, he was like "I was wondering when I'd end up hearing those crutches." I was like "Yep...you know me all too well, Father." I confessed that I'd cut and he said that all I can do know is stay strong for the rest of Advent. I said that I'd do my best and he said that's all he asked of me. He absolved me from my sins, and 99.9% of the time, I have this feeling like it's all going to be okay and that I've got a clean slate. Well, tonight, that didn't happen. I don't know why. It's weird. I don't really know why I feel like this. I'm pretty discouraged at the moment, like maybe things aren't going to be okay. I don't know. I'm just trying to remember that now that I've confessed it and I've been absolved, in God's eyes, it's as if it never happened. Me forgiving myself, on the other hand, tends to take much longer. It wasn't until the Steubenville Youth Conference at the end of my senior year of high school that I was able to forgive myself for cutting when I was still at St. Ursula. I'm just hoping that it's not going to take that long this time. Last time I talked to Fr. Greg, he challenged me to go to Confession regularly for a year and then see what happens. This was the beginning. I guess we'll see where it goes from here.

"As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us." -Psalm 103:12

"Come now and let us reason together," says the Lord, "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow." -Isaiah 1:18

"I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; and I will not remember your sins. Put Me in remembrance; let us contend together; state your case, that you may be acquitted." -Isaiah 43:25-26

St. John of the Cross

December 14th is the feast day of St. John of the Cross. St. John of the Cross, a doctor of the Church, is most known for what's been termed "the dark night of the soul." A dark knight of the soul is when someone goes through spiritual dryness. Having been going through a spiritual dark night for a while, I've turned to St. John of the Cross for a lot of help. I think St. John of the Cross, St. Teresa of Avila, and St. Augustine are my favorite saints. Here's St. John of the Cross' biography.


Founder (with St. Teresa) of the Discalced Carmelites, doctor of mystic theology, b. at Hontoveros, Old Castile, 24 June, 1542; d. at Ubeda, Andalusia, 14 Dec., 1591. John de Yepes, youngest child of Gonzalo de Yepes and Catherine Alvarez, poor silk weavers of Toledo, knew from his earliest years the hardships of life. The father, originally of a good family but disinherited on account of his marriage below his rank, died in the prime of his youth; the widow, assisted by her eldest son, was scarcely able to provide the bare necessities. John was sent to the poor school at Medina del Campo, whither the family had gone to live, and proved an attentive and diligent pupil; but when apprenticed to an artisan, he seemed incapable of learning anything. Thereupon the governor of the hospital of Medina took him into his service, and for seven years John divided his time between waiting on the poorest of the poor, and frequenting a school established by the Jesuits. Already at that early age he treated his body with the utmost rigour; twice he was saved from certain death by the intervention of the Blessed Virgin. Anxious about his future life, he was told in prayer that he was to serve God in an order the ancient perfection of which he was to help bring back again. The Carmelites having founded a house at Medina, he there received the habit on 24 February, 1563, and took the name of John of St. Matthias. After profession he obtained leave from his superiors to follow to the letter the original Carmelite rule without the mitigations granted by various popes. He was sent to Salamanca for the higher studies, and was ordained priest in 1567; at his first Mass he received the assurance that he should preserve his baptismal innocence. But, shrinking from the responsibilities of the priesthood, he determined to join the Carthusians.

However, before taking any further step he made the acquaintance of St. Teresa, who had come to Medina to found a convent of nuns, and who persuaded him to remain in the Carmelite Order and to assist her in the establishment of a monastery of friars carrying out the primitive rule. He accompanied her to Valladolid in order to gain practi cal experience of the manner of life led by the reformed nuns. A small house having been offered, St. John resolved to try at once the new form of life, although St. Teresa did not think anyone, however great his spirituality, could bear the discomforts of that hovel. He was joined by two companions, an ex-prior and a lay brother, with whom he inaugurated the reform among friars, 28 Nov., 1568. St. Teresa has left a classical description of the sort of life led by these first Discalced Carmelites, in chaps. xiii and xiv of her "Book of Foundations". John of the Cross, as he now called himself, became the first master of novices, and laid the foundation of the spiritual edifice which soon was to assume majestic proportions. He filled various posts in different places until St. Teresa called him to Avila as director and confessor to the convent of the Incarnation, of which she had been appointed prioress. He remained there, with a few interruptions, for over five years. Meanwhile, the reform spread rapidly, and, partly through the confusion caused by contradictory orders issued by the general and the general chapter on one hand, and the Apostolic nuncio on the other, and partly through human passion which sometimes ran high, its existence became seriously endangered.
St. John was ordered by his provincial to return to the house of his profession (Medina), and, on his refusing to do so, owing to the fact that he held his office not from the order but from the Apostolic delegate, he was taken prisoner in the night of 3 December, 1577, and carried off to Toledo, where he suffered for more than nine months close imprisonment in a narrow, stifling cell, together with such additional punishment as might have been called for in the case of one guilty of the most serious crimes. In the midst of his sufferings he was visited with heavenly consolations, and some of his exquisite poetry dates from that period. He made good his escape in a miraculous manner, August, 1578. During the next years he was chiefly occupied with the foundation and government of monasteries at Baeza, Granada, Cordova, Segovia, and elsewhere, but took no prominent part in the negotiations which led to the establishment of a separate government for the Discalced Carmelites. After the death of St. Teresa (4 Oct., 1582), when the two parties of the Moderates under Jerome Gratian, and the Zelanti under Nicholas Doria struggled for the upper hand, St. John supported the former and shared his fate. For some time he filled the post of vicar provincial of Andalusia, but when Doria changed the government of the order, concentrating all power in the hands of a permanent committee, St. John resisted and, supporting the nuns in their endeavour to secure the papal approbation of their constitutions, drew upon himself the displeasure of the superior, who deprived him of his offices and relegated him to one of the poorest monasteries, where he fell seriously ill. One of his opponents went so far as to go from monastery to monastery gathering materials in order to bring grave charges against him, hoping for his expulsion from the order which he had helped to found.

As his illness increased he was removed to the monastery of Ubeda, where he at first was treated very unkindly, his constant prayer, "to suffer and to be despised", being thus literally fulfilled almost to the end of his life. But at last even his adversaries came to acknowledge his sanctity, and his funeral was the occasion of a great outburst of enthusiasm. The body, still incorrupt, as has been ascertained within the last few years, was removed to Segovia, only a small portion remaining at Ubeda; there was some litigation about its possession. A strange phenomenon, for which no satisfactory explanation has been given, has frequently been observed in connexion with the relics of St. John of the Cross: Francis de Yepes, the brother of the saint, and after him many other persons have noticed the appearance in his relics of images of Christ on the Cross, the Blessed Virgin, St. Elias, St. Francis Xavier, or other saints, according to the devotion of the beholder. The beatification took place on 25 Jan., 1675, the translation of his body on 21 May of the same year, and the canonization on 27 Dec., 1726.

He left the following works, which for the first time appeared at Barcelona in 1619.

"The Ascent of Mount Carmel", an explanation of some verses beginning: "In a dark night with anxious love inflamed". This work was to have comprised four books, but breaks off in the middle of the third.
"The Dark Night of the Soul", another explanation of the same verses, breaking off in the second book. Both these works were written soon after his escape from prison, and, though incomplete, supplement each other, forming a full treatise on mystic theology.
An explanation of the "Spiritual Canticle", (a paraphrase of the Canticle of Canticles) beginning "Where hast Thou hidden Thyself?" composed part during his imprisonment, and completed and commented upon some years later at the request of Venerable Anne of Jesus.
An explanation of a poem beginning: "O Living Flame of Love", written about 1584 at the bidding of Doña Ana de Penalosa.
Some instructions and precautions on matters spiritual.
Some twenty letters, chiefly to his penitents. Unfortunately the bulk of his correspondence, including numerous letters to and from St. Teresa, was destroyed, partly by himself, partly during the persecutions to which he fell a victim.
"Poems", of which twenty-six have been hitherto published, viz., twenty in the older editions, and recently six more, discovered partly at the National Library at Madrid, and partly at the convent of Carmelite nuns at Pamplona.
"A Collection of Spiritual Maxims" (in some editions to the number of one hundred, and in others three hundred and sixty-five) can scarcely count as an independent work, as they are culled from his writings.
It has been recorded that during his studies St. John particularly relished psychology; this is amply borne out by his writings. He was not what one would term a scholar, but he was intimately acquainted with the "Summa" of St. Thomas Aquinas, as almost every page of his works proves. Holy Scripture he seems to have known by heart, yet he evidently obtained his knowledge more by meditation than in the lecture room. But there is no vestige of influence on him of the mystical teaching of the Fathers, the Areopagite, Augustine, Gregory, Bernard, Bonaventure, etc., Hugh of St. Victor, or the German Dominican school. The few quotations from patristic works are easily traced to the Breviary or the "Summa". In the absence of any conscious or unconscious influence of earlier mystical schools, his own system, like that of St. Teresa, whose influence is obvious throughout, might be termed empirical mysticism. They both start from their own experience, St. Teresa avowedly so, while St. John, who hardly ever speaks of himself, "invents nothing" (to quote Cardinal Wiseman), "borrows nothing from others, but gives us clearly the results of his own experience in himself and others. He presents you with a portrait, not with a fancy picture. He represents the ideal of one who has passed, as he had done, through the career of the spiritual life, through its struggles and its victories".
His axiom is that the soul must empty itself of self in order to be filled with God, that it must be purified of the last traces of earthly dross before it is fit to become united with God. In the application of this simple maxim he shows the most uncompromising logic. Supposing the soul with which he deals to be habitually in the state of grace and pushing forward to better things, he overtakes it on the very road leading it, in its opinion to God, and lays open before its eyes a number of sores of which it was altogether ignorant, viz. what he terms the spiritual capital sins. Not until these are removed (a most formidable task) is it fit to be admitted to what he calls the "Dark Night", which consists in the passive purgation, where God by heavy trials, particularly interior ones, perfects and completes what the soul had begun of its own accord. It is now passive, but not inert, for by submitting to the Divine operation it co-operates in the measure of its power. Here lies one of the essential differences between St. John's mysticism and a false quietism. The perfect purgation of the soul in the present life leaves it free to act with wonderful energy: in fact it might almost be said to obtain a share in God's omnipotence, as is shown in the marvelous deeds of so many saints. As the soul emerges from the Dark Night it enters into the full noonlight described in the "Spiritual Canticle" and the "Living Flame of Love". St. John leads it to the highest heights, in fact to the point where it becomes a "partaker of the Divine Nature". It is here that the necessity of the previous cleansing is clearly perceived the pain of the mortification of all the senses and the powers and faculties of the soul being amply repaid by the glory which is now being revealed in it.

St. John has often been represented as a grim character; nothing could be more untrue. He was indeed austere in the extreme with himself, and, to some extent, also with others, but both from his writings and from the depositions of those who knew him, we see in him a man overflowing with charity and kindness, a poetical mind deeply influenced by all that is beautiful and attractive.

Fr. Donald Calloway, MIC

Fr. Don Calloway is a priest from Steubenville who has an amazing story. When he was younger, he used to be really into drugs. He has an awful past. He spoke at a church in northern Kentucky last night, so my church's youth group went. I can't tell you how incredible it was to hear his story. It shows me that there's hope for me. A lot of his help came from the Blessed Virgin Mary, and as he spoke, something deep inside told me that the Blessed Mother was the solution to all my problems. I've never been more hopeful about anything in my life. Whenever I want to cut, I pick up the Rosary instead of the blade. I cannot even explain how much easier that's making things. I've got a new mentality about everything and it's awesome.

As corny as it sounds, I've made a promise to God. I've decided that as a "gift" to Jesus for Christmas, I'm not going to cut the rest of Advent. It's just kind of my way of showing God that I'm determined to change, and with the Blessed Mother's help, it's going to happen.

Oh, ONE MONTH UNTIL STEUBENVILLE :) :)

Psalm 51

So I had a long chat with Fr. Greg tonight about how I get so sick of sinning in the EXACT SAME WAY everytime. It's frustrating beyond belief. I can't even explain it. He told me to read Psalm 51 tonight. I cannot tell you how good at Fr. Greg is at finding Scripture passages that are perfect for what I've got going on. Psalm 51 hit the nail on the head.

1Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
2Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity
And cleanse me from my sin.
3For I know my transgressions,
And my sin is ever before me.
4Against You, You only, I have sinned
And done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak
And blameless when You judge.
5Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
6Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being,
And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.
7Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8Make me to hear joy and gladness,
Let the bones which You have broken rejoice.
9Hide Your face from my sins
And blot out all my iniquities.
10Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
12Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit.
13Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners will be converted to You.
14Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, the God of my salvation;
Then my tongue will joyfully sing of Your righteousness.
15O Lord, open my lips,
That my mouth may declare Your praise.
16For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it;
You are not pleased with burnt offering.
17The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.
18By Your favor do good to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
19Then You will delight in righteous sacrifices,
In burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then young bulls will be offered on Your altar.

Ignatian Meditation

At my church last night, some high school and college students got together to do an Ignatian meditation based on Jeremiah 18: 1-6, which says "The word which came to Jeremiah from the LORD saying,'Arise and go down to the potter's house, and there I will announce My words to you.' Then I went down to the potter's house, and there he was, making something on the wheel. But the vessel that he was making of clay was spoiled in the hand of the potter; so he remade it into another vessel, as it pleased the potter to make. Then the word of the LORD came to me saying, 'Can I not, O house of Israel, deal with you as this potter does?' declares the LORD. 'Behold, like the clay in the potter's hand, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel.'"

I can't tell you how bad I needed to hear that. Lately, I've really been questioning my ability to start over after cutting. Sometimes I just want to give up and accept that this is my way of dealing with things and it always will be. But I know I can't do that. It's the wrong way of dealing with the crap that life throws at me. When someone confesses their sins in Reconciliation, it is said that it's like the sin never happened. God completely forgets it. The fourth verse showed me how God's forgiveness is like Him reshaping me after Confession and that I can start over after I fall.

This entire Scripture passage showed me how something bad can be turned into something good. The bad "object" is turned into something good and it is as though the bad never existed.

It was great to hear that stuff and have what people like Fr. Greg, my friend Chris who's a seminarian, and Fr. Robert have been telling me affirmed by Scripture. It makes it more true. It's like I CAN start over and God's got it covered.I tend not to trust God sometimes and think I've got it covered when I don't.

There's a verse from Brandon Heath's song called "Wait and See" that describes this perfectly. "There is hope for me yet because God won’t forget all the plans he’s made for me. I have to wait and see. He’s not finished with me yet."

God's still shaping me into the woman He wants me to be. I can't wait to see what He's got in store for me in the future.

A Homily By Fr. Greg

This was Fr. Greg's homily from this past Sunday, which was the Solemnity of Christ the King. He sent it to me because he talked about me. God seriously works through Fr. Greg. It's amazing. He's such a man of God!

Here's the homily:
This Thursday is Thanksgiving Day. Every day should be a day of thanksgiving for each of us. Sociologists have found that people who are thankful on a regular basis live healthier and happier lives. We should be thankful to God and others every day. We should thank God in prayer every day for everything He has given us. The best prayer of thanksgiving is the Mass; the word “Eucharist” literally means “thanksgiving”. Also, we should make the habit of thanking others who are generous to us, whether it’s thanking them in person or through a thank-you note. Also, a good way to give thanks is by serving our neighbor. Thanksgiving should lead to community service. It is right to give thanks regularly but it is also very healthy to do so.

Today we celebrate the feast of Christ the King. We hear the intriguing conversation between our Lord and Pontius Pilate in today’s Gospel. Pilate has a sense that Jesus is a king and asks Him a couple times if He is a king. Pilate is talking to not only a king, but the King of Kings…the King of the Universe. Christ has more power than all of the kings of the world put together! Pilate senses this power. It is a power that we should all tap into.

As college students, you might be wondering how this feast of Christ the King relates to you. I have a story about a college student that might help. I met her this past January when she and about 40 others from her university came to stay at our parish for the annual March for Life. We put the students up in our school, fed them, and offered a Holy Hour and Confessions in the Church. At the end of the night, this young woman asked if she could speak with me.

She told me that she was having a lot of problems…serious problems. She was so bad off that she was worried that she would take her own life by way of cutting. I asked her if I could pray over her. She said OK. I laid my hands on her head and asked God to bless her in various ways. It was basically a prayer that God would bring healing to her heart, mind, and body. I think it was one of those times when I could actually feel the power of God go out through me. When we finished, she thanked but didn’t say a lot about the blessing.

Just recently, she told me that that night saved her life. Saved her life! Praise God, that is awesome. She is doing much better now. She’s not out of the woods and still struggles with cutting, but it is not in her mind at all to take her own life. She has really come a long way since that night in January. I believe and she has confirmed that it is because of the power of God. What she received through me - what she needed - was the power of Christ the King. Only Christ has the power to help her. Only Christ has the power to heal her. He has power over all things. He has great power to offer her and all of you to help you with your serious problems. Christ is her king and he is your king.

Christ’s power as King was not just offered to the people who lived 2000 years ago. It is still offered today, mainly through his priests. Not all priests are open to the healing ministry, but I am. I am totally open to offering you Christ’s healing power. Some of you are dealing with serious problems in your mind, heart, or body. Christ can help. I invite you to experience his healing power. His power is real. I have experienced it and others have been healed by it.

Finally, we are about to approach the throne of Christ the King in the Eucharist. And, we do take a royal approach to the Eucharist. We kneel in the King’s presence, we bow as we approach Him, and then make a throne either in our hands or on our tongue to receive our King. But, there is a great mystery involved here: the King of the Universe with all of his royal splendor and majesty gets so small for us. He gets so small for us so that He will be in us and we will be in Him. He gets so small for us so that we will share in his kingdom…in his life…in his love…in his power. and we will reign with Him in his kingdom forever.

Death

Well, death just sucks. Yesterday, one of my friends from grade school, who is a year younger than me, passed away from Leukemia. It's hard because I was thinking how short her life really was. It's not fair, ya know? She lived a great life and I know she's no longer in pain, but it still sucks. I cried a lot today and thought a lot about my own life. Natalie didn't deserve to get sick and die. She was 17 years old when she was diagnosed with Leukemia. Her brother was her bone marrow donor this past summer. I asked God today why her body had to reject the transplant. I know it's really taken a toll on T.J. I know he feels like it's kind of his fault, but what he needs to understand is that they've had these last few months of Natalie being alive because of him. She would have died a lot sooner without it.

Today is the one year anniversary of my grandmother's death. I can't believe it's been a year already. I miss my grandma a lot. 5 years ago, I made her a University of Kentucky fleece blanket for Christmas. When she died, I asked my mom if I could have it. After her funeral, I brought it home. I slept with it on my bed for a while, but then just stuck it in my closet. Today I pulled it out of my closet. It still smells like my grandma's perfume, even after an entire year of being stuck in a closet. I cried when I realized it still smelled like her.

So yeah, these last 2 days have been filled with a lot of death. It sucks that their both no longer here on earth, but I know both Natalie and my grandma are with the Lord, and there's no better place to be.

Have Your Way - Britt Nicole

As my future's kind of uncertain, this song's given me a lot of peace.



Feels like I've been here forever,
Why can't you just intervene?
Do you see the tears are falling?
And I'm falling apart at the seams.

But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn't hard,
But you promised you'd take care of me.

So I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape.
I'll trust you God with where I am,
And believe you will have your way,
Just have your way,
Just have your way.

My friends and my family have left me
I feel so ashamed and so cold,
Remind you take broken things
and turn them into beautiful.

So I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
I'll trust you God with where I am,
And believe you will have your way,
Just have your way,
Just have your way.

Even if my dreams have died,
Even if I don't survive,
I'll still worship you with all my life,
My life, yeah.

And I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
And I'll trust you God with where I am,
And believe you will have your way,
Just have your way,
Just have your way, yeah.

I know you will,
Don't forget,
Whoa, oh, oh
You love me,
Have your way.
Yeah

"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you"

I moved out of my dorm at Xavier the other day. It was kinda sad, but to be honest, I'm glad I'm done with Xavier. I'm on to bigger and better things. I can't wait to start at Steubenville. That's such an amazing place and I'm so excited :) When I was starting to question my decision the other day, Patrick, the youth minister at my church, e-mailed me a Scripture passage. It gave me the confidence to know I made the right decision: "For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart ... " - Jeremiah 29: 11-13.

Surgery was 3 weeks ago and I've been left here with my thoughts. I had an impulse to cut last night. That was the first one since John made me pick between him and the blade. I texted him tonight and he responded with some encouragement as well as "Catherine, I want you to pick again. Me or the blade?" Of course I picked John. Renewing the promise to John has made things easier today.

TWLOHA Day

Since I am a recovering self-injurer, today, I've got the word LOVE written on my arm. Here's a blog post written by the founder of To Write Love On Her Arms about the unofficial TWLOHA day.

Hey Guys.

Each week, Lindsay from our team sends an email to the entire TWLOHA team. When we open this email, it's a time to reflect on some of the messages and emails that have come in over the last few days. Some of the messages are heavy and hard to read. Others are full of hope and encouragement. Life is both and everything in between.

Lindsay sends these messages to remind us of our mission, the heart of the matter. Each week, as we read the messages she includes, we're reminded where this started and we're reminded why we do what we do.

Today, "TWLOHA Day", is one that our team didn't come up with. We don't know a lot about it, to be honest - not sure where it came from or how it spread to so many people. But perhaps that's been true for much of our story - we've seen the best of passion and communication. We've seen people share and build something beautiful together.

With today in mind, i want to share one of the messages that Lindsay sent to us yesterday:

"My name is Taylor and I am 22 years old. I have been an addict for the past six years of my life and have been looking at getting into rehab for awhile now. I should be checking in sometime this week I am just waiting for my federal aid to come in. I wanted to thank you guys for doing what you do and being there. I haven't personally ever talked to anyone with your organization but my sister heard about it somehow. My sister is 18 years old and has never used a day in her life. Ever since I started using I haven't been there for her and we kind of live two completely seperate lives. We haven't gotten along. Today my sister picked me up from my house and said she had a surprise for me. We went and got love tattooed on our arms. She has never had a tattoo so this was a big step for her. She started crying, I haven't seen real emotion from my sister in a long long time. She told me what you guys were about and expressed what she has felt about my use and the way I have made her feel. I made a promise to her to stay clean, something I have never said to anyone. Every time I look down at my arm it will remind me of what a commitment my sister has made to me and to helping me stay clean. I just wanted to thank you guys for helping her understand and helping her accept me and not frown upon me. Your organization has really made an impact on both of our lives and I really wanted to express my gratitude.

Thank you so much for what you guys do everyday and what your organization will continue to do for so many people, you guys really do save lifes.

Thank you so much.

All the love and respect in the world."

If you decide to write the word "love" on your arm today, please remember the heart of the matter. The goals were never "cute" or "fashion". Our title, "to write love on her arms", was born as a goal and it remains a goal. We're inviting people to fight for their lives and for the lives of their friends. We're inviting people to believe better things.

If you want to help us spread the word about hope and help, we would be honored. If you want to tell people that they need other people, that every story matters - again, we would be honored. We say these things because we believe them to be true, and because too many people live alone under other lies.

Let's continue to fight to figure out what this word "love" means. Let's aim for how it looks and how it sounds - maybe something like humility and confidence and kindness, maybe honesty and compassion...

We're in all these things together. It's bigger than cute and it's louder than fashion.

Thanks always for your support.
You matter very much.

jamie and the entire TWLOHA team

Believe - Britt Nicole

Wait, wait, wait, there's somethin' that I gotta say
It'll take, take, take, just a minute so don't walk away
I search in circles for a remedy
To fight the poison that is killing me
It's like I'm falling fast head over feet
Is anybody listening?

I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
Tired of living this way, tired of everyday
So will you help me
I wanna breakthrough
I wanna believe in You

Hey, hey, hey, why is everyday the same for me?
Fake, fake, fake, just pretend what I'm suppose to be
I need an answer for my remedy
I need a Savior 'cause I'm in too deep
I reach up,
Will You reach down here to me?

I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
Tired of living this way, tired of everyday
So will you help me
I wanna breakthrough
I wanna believe in You

You found me, You were looking for me
You found me, You were looking for me
You found me, You were waiting for me
I can see Your love
You found me, You were waiting for me
I can see Your love

I believe in You, I believe in You, I believe in You
I believe in You, I believe in You, I believe in You

Good News!

I got into Franciscan and will be transferring in January. I'm SOOOOOOOO excited!!!! God's plans for me are FINALLY becoming clear and I freakin' love it :) Oh, surgery last week went well. No worries. All I'm doing now is healing as fast as I can. I will be withdrawing from Xavier, so I'll only be going back to move out my stuff once I can walk again. Haha. Life's so good at the moment :)

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

This was a post Fr. Greg put on his blog on Wednesday, March 25, 2009, titled "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" The college student he refers to in the middle of the post is me.

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

One of our teens has asked me to post the reflection I gave at Youth Group this past Sunday night during Adoration. “YG Junkie”, thanks for asking and glad that you liked it; here it is, more or less:
Before I begin the Scriptural meditation, I have to say that you all are…amazing! It is amazing that there are over 40 of you here for Adoration. Some of you only come out for Adoration! And, you bring your friends. This is not normal. Not every youth group does this. This is extraordinary! I’ve told you before that I’ve worked with teens for many years now, and I’ve never seen this. Not only do you come here in great numbers, but you come here in great respect and reverence. When you came in here, you did it in silence and with reverence. You all are great! You inspire us adults and you please Jesus so much when you come to Adoration. It is so awesome!
As we prepare for Christ’s passion in a few weeks, I thought it was fitting to focus on one of the words that Christ’s says from the Cross: “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” This is from Matthew’s Gospel, chapter 27:
“From noon onward, darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon. And about three o'clock Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Some of the bystanders who heard it said, "This one is calling for Elijah." Immediately one of them ran to get a sponge; he soaked it in wine, and putting it on a reed, gave it to him to drink. But the rest said, ‘Wait, let us see if Elijah comes to save him.’ But Jesus cried out again in a loud voice, and gave up his spirit” (vs. 45-50).
I‘ve been talking with one of the college students who stayed here during the March for Life in January. She has been struggling for a while with cutting herself and depression and thoughts of suicide. She is trying so hard to move away from all of it. She has said on more than one occasion, “God, where are you in all of this?” She has been asking for Him to help her move away from this dangerous habit. She has been saying what Jesus said from the Cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" It is a phrase that I hear not just from college or high school students, but also from adults.
Jesus wasn’t forsaken or abandoned by the Father. He is always in union with the Father. But, in his human nature, he experienced what many people feel: that God has abandoned them. God abandons no one, but many people feel that He has.
Many people have been abandoned by others. They have been rejected, isolated and feel lonely and depressed. Mother Teresa said that this is the greatest suffering there is. Jesus enters into this and unites himself with all of those who have been abandoned or rejected by others and feel lonely and depressed. He went to the depths of human suffering and felt every human pain there is. So, Christ is in union with those who feel this way; and, they are in union with Him.

There is a girl from my first youth group who I am still good friends with. She married her high school sweetheart at age 24. Three years into her marriage, she and her husband were driving down the road early one morning. The car went off the road out of control and hit a tree head-on at sixty miles an hour. He died instantly and she barely survived; the motor of the car came into the front seat and lacerated her ribs. She has made a miraculous recovery.
About a year after the tragic accident, she and I were talking about everything. She said it is so hard because she feels all alone. “There aren’t any 27 year old widows who I can talk to. There is no one who understands what I am going through”, she said. I said, “Shannon, Jesus knows what you are going through. He experienced every human pain there is on the Cross. He is the only one who knows what you’re going through; and, you know what He went through. You are right there with Him on the Cross”. She would say later that it was one of the two most powerful conversations she’s ever had.
When Shannon was in your position in high school, she hadn’t experienced any real kind of suffering and probably thought that a talk like this didn’t apply to her. In whatever way you all are suffering now or will suffer in the future, Christ has experienced it and is always with you. He knows what you are going through and you know what he went through. He mourns for you and for the sorrows in your life. He wants to share in your sorrows and in your joys.
He wants you to dump all of your crap on Him in Adoration – all of the tough stuff that is going on in your life. Just give it all to Him.
He says, “come to me all you who labor and are heavy burdened, and I will give you rest” (Mt 11:28). Come to me all you who labor and are lonely, depressed, isolated, rejected, stressed out, angry, and abandoned…and I will give you rest.
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When I saw this, it really hit me hard. It made me realize that my story could help people. Fr. Greg told me that a girl who had admitted to him that she'd been cutting stayed and prayed for a while after their Adoration time was over. As weird as it sounds, it kinda makes it worth it.

Surgery

I went to the doctor today and found out that I have 2 quite large tears in 2 different tendons in my ankle and an accessory bone embedded in one of the tendons. Therefore, I have to have surgery to repair the tendons and remove the accessory bone. I'm having the surgery on Tuesday, which means I'll be missing a decent amount of school, 10 days at the very least, but the doctor estimated that it'd be at least 3 weeks. I'm not to worried about the surgery. I had a tendon repair done on my other ankle 3 1/2 years ago and it wasn't too bad. I'm just worried about missing so much school.

I think this is basically the break from Xavier I've needed. This is pretty much mandatory. I'm pretty sure this is God screaming in my face so that I slow down. I think I'll end up coming back after Thanksgiving, but I really don't know. I'm young and in good health, so maybe I'll be back even earlier. Who knows? All I can do right now is pray for the success of the surgery and pray that my recovery time is the break I need. I guess we'll see how things go.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10

The Last Night - Skillet

This song literally saved my life.

The Last Night - Skillet



You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine
But I know it's a lie.

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you'll spend alone,
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go,
I'm everything you need me to be.

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you they don't know you at all
I'm so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie.

The last night away from me

The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand I will help you hold on
Tonight,
Tonight.

I won't let you say goodbye,
I'll be your reason why.

The last night away from me,
Away from me.

My Life Is Average

If you've never heard of My Life Is Average, I'd definitely recommend checking it out at mylifeisaverage.com It's hysterical. Today there was one of the best posts I've ever seen:

Today, I was sitting in Mass. All of a sudden, I noticed a little boy crawling up the center aisle towards the altar. His dad then ran up, grabbed him, and stormed out while the boy yelled "BUT I LOVE GOD!" You go, future priest. MLIA.

I love it :)

Slowing Down

So I figured I'd share with you something that happened while I was getting the MRI on Saturday. Because with MRIs you have to be as still as possible, all I could do was just lay there. I've been thinking a lot about why this is happening to me now. It's like I've got WAY too much going on right now to have to deal with being in constant pain and facing the possibility of having surgery. Well, as I lay on the MRI table, I started praying and I feel like God was telling me that He's telling me to slow down and rely on Him. I've been trying to go without God for a while now and obviously it's not working. I was up until 5am Saturday morning because I was in so much pain. I was just crying and praying, begging God to make the pain stop. Well, He didn't, but that was the first time I've said a serious prayer in a long time. It's hard for me to try and rely on other people. I'm so independent and HATE asking for help. When I ask for help, I feel like I'm a burden to the other person and I really don't like burdening people. As a result of my being so independent, I think that's why I used to think I can do this without God, which totally isn't true. I'm nothing without God. So I'm trying to slow down and let things work out the way God wants them to.

“And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.’” -Revelation 21:3-4

PostSecret

So I went to get an MRI on my ankle this morning. It went well and I go back to the doctor on Wednesday for the results. On the way back from the MRI place, my mom and I stopped at the bookstore and I bought the new Post Secret book called "Post Secret: Confessions on Life, Death, and God" and yes, I have finished reading it already. Haha.

As I was about halfway through it, I came to the realization that there was a chance that one of my secrets could be in the book. I sent 2 secrets to the author, Frank Warren, over the summer and I was thinking that maybe the one I sent in about God was in the book. Then I came to the realization that it probably wasn't in there because Frank probably already had all the secrets picked out before I even sent mine in. I was extremely relieved when it wasn't. I don't know why because my secret is completely true and it was a huge relief once I sent it in. It's nothing like me being secretly atheist or something. That'd be bad. It was about God and cutting. Maybe one day I'll admit what that secret is on here, but unless it shows up on PostSecret.com on a random Sunday or in a one of the Post Secret books, it'll be a while. It was extremely hard to make that post card I sent Frank, but like I said, it was a huge relief to know that now someone else besides me knew it.

If you've never read any of the Post Secret books or looked at the secrets Frank Warren posts every Sunday on PostSecret.com, check them out. Finding out about Post Secret changed my life. It made me realize I'm not alone in some of the issues I have.

"Every single person has at least one secret that would break your heart. If we could just remember this, I think there would be a lot more compassion and tolerance in the world." -Frank Warren

You Were On The Cross - Matt Maher

The first time I heard this song, it made me cry. Fr. Greg had said something to me on the phone once that is a lot like this song. He said, "Catherine, Jesus saw you cutting while He was on the cross, but He died for you anyway." I stopped dead in my tracks and started crying. This song by Matt Maher is a reminder of Fr. Greg's statement that night. It's a constant reminder that there isn't anything I could do that would make God love me less.



Lost.
Everything is lost
And everything I’ve loved before is gone
Alone, like the coming of the frost
And a cold winter's chill in my stony heart

Where were You when all that I’ve hoped for
Where were You when all that I’ve dreamed
Came crashing down in shambles around me
You were on the cross

Pain.
Could You take away the pain
If I find someone to blame
Would it make my life seem easier
Alone, all my friends are asleep
And I can't find anyone to stay awake with me

And where were You when sin stole my innocence
Where were You when I was ashamed
Hiding in a life I wish I’d never made

You were on the cross
My God, my God
All along, all along
You were on the cross
You died for us
All along, all along
You were on the cross
Victorious
All along, all along

You were there in all my suffering
You were there in doubt and fear
I'm waiting on the dawn to reappear

My Spiritual Dark Night

The last couple hours have been full of a lot of thinking about God. I'm not really sure why, that's the funny thing. I was thinking a lot about my favorite Scripture passages. Some of my favorite passages include:

"Let no one have contempt for your youth, but set an example for those who believe, in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity." -1 Timothy 4:12

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” -Psalm 147:3

I love the story of the Prodigal Son, as I can pretty much see myself as the son so many different times in my life.

I've been going through a spiritual dark night for a while and I'm hoping that's going to change soon. I would do ANYTHING to feel God's presence in my life again. Even though I've been in this dark night for quite a while, I still do everything that I can to remain a faithful Catholic. I say the Rosary quite often, I go on retreats, I pray when I can, I listen to Christian music, go to Adoration when it's offered on campus, and try to live the way God would want me to. Yeah, things have been really rough over the last year, but I'm working on it. Last year when my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer, I was so pissed at God that I pretty much quit everything that was God related. The only thing I did was go to Mass on Sunday and just sat there. I wouldn't even bother to respond to the prayers I've heard every Sunday for the last 19 years. It was BAD. Then, when I went on the March for Life in January, my life was forever changed when I met Fr. Greg. The group from Xavier stayed overnight at his church. I talked to him about everything that had been going on and he asked if he could pray over me. Let me tell you, that was the most amazing prayer I've ever heard and I truly could feel the power of God that night. Yeah, I still struggle every day with my faith, but now, I thank God for my struggle because I know that one day, something's going to change and all this pain will be worth it because I will know the true healing power of God. I know all this is for a reason. I might find out the reason tomorrow or in a year or 10 years down the road, but I'm finally starting to be okay with that. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that the reason I started self-injuring when I was in high school was because as a result of changing high schools and joining my church's youth group, I met God for the first time. The circumstances are pretty much the same this time around...the middle of my sophomore year, changing schools, self-injury. I wonder if God's got some amazing thing planned for me once I arrive at Franciscan. How cool would that be: to be at an extremely holy university studying what I love and to meet God all over again. Man, I can't wait for January to come!!!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Amen

Thank God For Friends

Three posts in one day...Yeah, it's just been one of those crazy days. I just cut and I'm feeling better, yet worse. I'm crying my eyes out right now because I've been talking to my amazing friend John. I admitted to him that I just cut and he gave me some massive tough love. Here's what he said, "Right now you need to choose. I'm making you choose...me or the blade...your friends or the blade...life or the blade...the decision is yours. I'll always be here for you, but I'm not going to hurt you." At that point, I started crying because I know he's right. I can't keep doing this: turning to the blade every time something goes wrong. Accidents happen, he reminded me. I don't want to accidentally slip and cut too deep. I don't want to die. I've got too much to live for...I could NEVER to that to my family, especially my little sister, or my friends, and I have so much to look forward to at Franciscan (that is if I get in). I'm done. No more. John was right. I've made my choice. I responded to John's tough love with this: "You, John. I want you, my friends, family, and LIFE. Fuck the blade. It's only ever hurt me. It's never done anything for me except make my life fucking miserable." So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do everything I can to stop cutting.

A priest once told me that if you ask God to do anything in His name it will happen, so tonight, I'm praying that in God's name, I get the strength and perseverance I need to stop cutting for good.

Whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. -John 14:13

When She Cries - Britt Nicole

I found this when I was messing around on YouTube today and WOW...It made me cry.



Little girl terrified
She'd leave her room if only bruises would heal
A home is no place to hide
Her heart is breaking from the pain that she feels

Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She wonders why, does anyone ever hear her when she cries

Today she's turning sixteen
Everyone singing, but she can't seem to smile
They never get past arms length
How could they act like everything is alright?
She's pulling down her long sleeves
To cover all the memories that scars leave
She says, "Maybe making me bleed
will be the answer that could wash the slate clean."

Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She wonders why, does anyone ever hear her when she cries

This is the dark before the dawn
The storm before the peace
Don't be afraid 'cause seasons change and
God is watching over you
He hears you

Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She'll be just fine, cause now he hears her when she cries

Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She'll be just fine, cause now he hears her when she cries
She'll be just fine, cause now he hears her when she cries

Drama, Drama, Drama

Wow...I can't even explain how CRAZY yesterday was. Everything came crashing down. I haven't cried that much in a long time...Surprisingly enough, I didn't cut. I didn't because I promised my best friend I wouldn't. Right now, I'm just praying that I NEVER have a day like yesterday ever again. Fr. Graham, the president of Xavier, said during a homily once that he says a 4 word prayer multiple times a day: Keep me going, Lord. I seriously think I've said this prayer 20 times already today and it's only 10:30am. I'm sure I'll get to 100 by physics lab this afternoon. Haha. I realized yesterday that I can't wait to leave Xavier. I'm SO ready to go to Franciscan. I know there's a lot less drama there. I wish I was there now, but the next 9 weeks will go fast enough, I'm sure.

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. -Matthew 6:34

I Cut Last Night

Well, my happiness came to a quick halt last night. I have what I like to call an "OH SHIT!" moment. I applied to Franciscan last night and then I thought "Oh shit! What am I doing?" I know I'm going to continue to have those moments. Because of everything that was going on last night, I cut. It was a relief of all the stress. I didn't know what else to do. I called Fr. Robert and he got me calmed down enough to go to Mass but after Mass, everything came crashing down.

I'm on the verge of cutting right now. I'm just really stressed because if this and now I've got other drama in my life. Chances are, no matter what, I'll probably cut again tonight. I'm having trouble getting my homework done because of the impulses. I guess we'll see...

It's been a while...

Sorry. I know it's been a while. Well, last Sunday I talked to my parents about transferring and my dad said something I NEVER expected to hear. I said to him "Dad...I think I need to leave Xavier" and he goes "Yeah..I've been waiting for this conversation." I realized that dads know EVERYTHING, even when you haven't seen him in weeks.

Well, I visited Franciscan University of Steubenville yesterday and absolutely fell in love with it. It's UBER Catholic, my kinda place. Haha. I will be applying soon. Steubenville is such a holy place, it's AMAZING!!!!! I cannot wait. I'm pretty sure I won't have any trouble getting in. The head of the Catechetics Department, who I met yesterday, seemed to think it'll just be a few weeks until I find out. If I did get in, I'll be starting there next semester. While visiting campus, I ran into my friend Sam who transferred to Franciscan from Xavier at the beginning of this year. She knew I was coming to campus, but my dad and I ran into her when we were walking into the library. It was hilarious. We were like "WAIT!!! IT'S YOU!!!!" It made me smile. On my way home yesterday, I texted her and told her thanks for showing me around and letting me see her dorm room. She sent me a text back that I will never forget. She said "Girl, thanks for following your heart even though it's hard! You'll love it here!!" I'm so excited and I can't wait to be a Baron!!! :)

Oh, and I haven't cut in 8 days and I don't plan on cutting again anytime soon :)

Falling, yet again

Even though this weekend was amazing, I've gotten extremely overwhelmed and, as much as I regret it, I've cut and REALLY bad. Now that it's cold and I can wear long sleeves, my forearm is all slashed up. I even went to the point of carving the word "failure" into my wrist. This to me is a sign that I can't wait much longer to talk to my parents about transferring schools. I'm scared because I know that if something doesn't change, I'm not going to live to graduate college. Last night, I did everything I know to do to keep myself distracted. I said the St. Michael the Archangel Prayer like 10 times. It's a totally kick-ass prayer. It goes like this: St. Michael the Archangel,defend us in battle. Be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the Devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray, and do thou, O Prince of the heavenly hosts, by the power of God, thrust into hell Satan, and all the evil spirits, who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.

So yeah, it's been a shitty last few days, but I'm moving on. I cut so now it's time to start over again.

Storm - Lifehouse

I stumbled upon this song when I was screwing around on YouTube today. It's AMAZING. It's called "Storm" by Lifehouse.



How long have I
Been in this storm
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything will be alright
If I'd see you
The storminess will turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright
And everything will be alright

I know you didn't
Bring me out here to drown
So why am I 10 feet under and upside down?
Barely surviving has become my purpose
'Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything will be alright
If I see you
The storminess will turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright

And I will walk on water
You will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
Everything's alright.

The Possibility of Transferring

The retreat was absolutely amazing, let me tell you. God showed up and did some crazy stuff in my heart. It was AWESOME!! It really was one of those "you had to be there" moments. Here's the biggest thing I got out of the retreat...I think God's calling me away from Xavier. I feel like He's calling me to Franciscan University of Stuebenville. I first felt like God was telling me to change back in April when I went on a retreat with the Catholic group I'm in here on campus. I thought a lot about it over the summer and decided that I'd give XU one more year. Well, at the retreat this weekend, I pretty much got confirmation from God that I shouldn't be here. I cried a lot because I'm going to be leaving some amazing people. I just feel like I'm not at the best school for a theology degree. Xavier's theology department has one helluva reputation and it's not a good one. I am scarred for life after having a PRIEST tell me that the Resurrection may not have physically happened. If he was right, then the whole foundation of Christianity is built on a bunch of bullshit, and I know it's not. I've experienced God in ways that if Jesus wasn't God, well, then these things wouldn't have happened. The Pope approves of Franciscan and he doesn't approve of Xavier's. My faith is the most important thing to me and that's why I'm working so hard to try to come out of this spiritual dark night I've been going through. There is absolutely zero Catholic identity here at Xavier and I want to be at a place that has one, and a strong one. No where else can compare to Franciscan.

I'm going home over fall break and I plan on bringing it up with my parents then. The biggest indicator that something was wrong with the first high school I went to was because I was cutting and I think this is the exact same thing. I was trying to convince myself I loved it here when I don't.

God changed me this past weekend. Credo: I Believe!!

Credo: I Believe

Well, here's the good news. I haven't cut in 8 days and I've only had 1 impulse. That makes me really happy because a lot of times, the impulses get so bad that I can't function unless I cut. The one impulse wasn't that bad and I got through it by distracting myself. Life is good right now!

I'm going on a retreat this weekend called "Credo" and I'm SOOOOOO excited :) I went on the same retreat 4 years ago and that's what changed my life. I was raised Catholic and have gone to Catholic school since 1st grade, but my sophomore year of high school was the first time I ever felt that God was truly real and loved me. I'm praying God changes my heart this year like He did 4 years ago when I went on it for the first time. This is part of my testimony from a retreat I led over the summer to kind of give you a small idea of what went on:

During Adoration on Saturday night, I truly felt God’s presence. After Adoration began, I took the opportunity to go to Reconciliation. I told the priest about my cutting and how even though I was at a new school, I still just wanted to give up on life. Then he said something I will never forget: “God loves you so much and He doesn’t want you to quit. The world needs you and please, don’t give up.” I had already been crying because I was so ashamed of what I had done to myself, but when the priest said that to me, I began to cry even more because I knew he was right. Now as I look back on that night, I realize that God was physically sitting across from me and speaking to me through a man. It was absolutely incredible. After Confession, I went back to Adoration and just prayed. I asked God why He wanted a stupid teenager like me. I’d never done anything for Him and felt so unworthy. After a while, the retreat directors let us know that Benediction was going to take place. I will never forget what happened after that. As Fr. Luke, a Franciscan priest from the Bronx, walked around with the Blessed Sacrament, we were allowed to touch the garment touching the Eucharist. As Fr. Luke passed by and I touched the garment, I felt this warm feeling, like a hug and my tears just stopped. There is a song called “When God Ran” and there is a line that describes exactly the way I felt: “He lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes / with forgiveness in His voice He said, ‘Son, do you know I still love you?’” After that night, I was never the same.

Why?

So as I sit here waiting for my laundry, I started thinking about a lot of stuff. I wonder why I do this to myself. The whole concept of self-injury is really messed up. It's a sick way of coping with things. I wonder a lot why self-injury actually works as my way of dealing with the shit that life throws at me. I have yet to figure out why. We can get into the scientific crap and talk about endorphins, and yeah, I'm sure that's part of it, but there's still something about it...I can't describe what it is, but I get a rush when I do it. It makes the emotional pain go away. It just makes things better.

Now we're gonna get into the graphic stuff, so if you don't wanna hear the nasty side, I'd quit reading now. When I cut, I usually use a razor blade, but since coming to school, I've resorted to breaking 2 shot glasses and then cutting with those shards. It showed me how bad it really was when I resorted to breaking the shot glasses. I bought a set of 6 shot glasses when I went to Texas over the summer. It showed me how desperate I was when that was all I had in my dorm room to cut with. To make it less obvious that I've been cutting, I cut on my left upper arm, where it would be covered by my shirt sleeve. I have scars on my left forearm, but I haven't cut there since the summer. What sucks is that I don't get the same relief from cutting my upper arm than I do cutting my forearm. I don't know why. A lot of times when I cut, I cut until it starts to hurt. Usually when I cut, I do it because I'm numb from something shitty that has happened. I guess I get more sensation on my forearm, but I don't really know. I quit hiding my scars with long sleeve shirts. I've gotten really good at making sure I don't show my forearm. It's hard sometimes, but I always manage to do it. I've only ever had one person ask me about my scars and that was at a doctors office...

Sorry this was so all over the place. I just wanted to get the gruesome details down as I thought about them. Time to get on homework!

Hey Everyone

So I don't really know why I started this blog...Maybe as a journal for when the late nights get rough and I just need to get things out in the open.

Well, I'll tell you a little about myself. I'm Catherine. I'm a theology major at Xavier University in Cincinnati, Ohio. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a self-injurer. I first started self-injuring when I was a sophomore in high school. I cut twice, switched high schools and didn't cut again. Then, in November 2008, my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer. I was having issues with friends, being away from home, school work-related stress, and everything just came crashing down at once. I went back to cutting. I'm trying really, really, really hard to stop. I've been cutting for almost a year now and it's been getting worse and worse. I know that if I don't stop soon, I won't live to graduate college.

This is my life as a recovering self-injurer.