Why?

So as I sit here waiting for my laundry, I started thinking about a lot of stuff. I wonder why I do this to myself. The whole concept of self-injury is really messed up. It's a sick way of coping with things. I wonder a lot why self-injury actually works as my way of dealing with the shit that life throws at me. I have yet to figure out why. We can get into the scientific crap and talk about endorphins, and yeah, I'm sure that's part of it, but there's still something about it...I can't describe what it is, but I get a rush when I do it. It makes the emotional pain go away. It just makes things better.

Now we're gonna get into the graphic stuff, so if you don't wanna hear the nasty side, I'd quit reading now. When I cut, I usually use a razor blade, but since coming to school, I've resorted to breaking 2 shot glasses and then cutting with those shards. It showed me how bad it really was when I resorted to breaking the shot glasses. I bought a set of 6 shot glasses when I went to Texas over the summer. It showed me how desperate I was when that was all I had in my dorm room to cut with. To make it less obvious that I've been cutting, I cut on my left upper arm, where it would be covered by my shirt sleeve. I have scars on my left forearm, but I haven't cut there since the summer. What sucks is that I don't get the same relief from cutting my upper arm than I do cutting my forearm. I don't know why. A lot of times when I cut, I cut until it starts to hurt. Usually when I cut, I do it because I'm numb from something shitty that has happened. I guess I get more sensation on my forearm, but I don't really know. I quit hiding my scars with long sleeve shirts. I've gotten really good at making sure I don't show my forearm. It's hard sometimes, but I always manage to do it. I've only ever had one person ask me about my scars and that was at a doctors office...

Sorry this was so all over the place. I just wanted to get the gruesome details down as I thought about them. Time to get on homework!