The last couple hours have been full of a lot of thinking about God. I'm not really sure why, that's the funny thing. I was thinking a lot about my favorite Scripture passages. Some of my favorite passages include:
"Let no one have contempt for your youth, but set an example for those who believe, in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity." -1 Timothy 4:12
"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” -Psalm 147:3
I love the story of the Prodigal Son, as I can pretty much see myself as the son so many different times in my life.
I've been going through a spiritual dark night for a while and I'm hoping that's going to change soon. I would do ANYTHING to feel God's presence in my life again. Even though I've been in this dark night for quite a while, I still do everything that I can to remain a faithful Catholic. I say the Rosary quite often, I go on retreats, I pray when I can, I listen to Christian music, go to Adoration when it's offered on campus, and try to live the way God would want me to. Yeah, things have been really rough over the last year, but I'm working on it. Last year when my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer, I was so pissed at God that I pretty much quit everything that was God related. The only thing I did was go to Mass on Sunday and just sat there. I wouldn't even bother to respond to the prayers I've heard every Sunday for the last 19 years. It was BAD. Then, when I went on the March for Life in January, my life was forever changed when I met Fr. Greg. The group from Xavier stayed overnight at his church. I talked to him about everything that had been going on and he asked if he could pray over me. Let me tell you, that was the most amazing prayer I've ever heard and I truly could feel the power of God that night. Yeah, I still struggle every day with my faith, but now, I thank God for my struggle because I know that one day, something's going to change and all this pain will be worth it because I will know the true healing power of God. I know all this is for a reason. I might find out the reason tomorrow or in a year or 10 years down the road, but I'm finally starting to be okay with that. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that the reason I started self-injuring when I was in high school was because as a result of changing high schools and joining my church's youth group, I met God for the first time. The circumstances are pretty much the same this time around...the middle of my sophomore year, changing schools, self-injury. I wonder if God's got some amazing thing planned for me once I arrive at Franciscan. How cool would that be: to be at an extremely holy university studying what I love and to meet God all over again. Man, I can't wait for January to come!!!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Amen
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