Credo: I Believe

Well, here's the good news. I haven't cut in 8 days and I've only had 1 impulse. That makes me really happy because a lot of times, the impulses get so bad that I can't function unless I cut. The one impulse wasn't that bad and I got through it by distracting myself. Life is good right now!

I'm going on a retreat this weekend called "Credo" and I'm SOOOOOO excited :) I went on the same retreat 4 years ago and that's what changed my life. I was raised Catholic and have gone to Catholic school since 1st grade, but my sophomore year of high school was the first time I ever felt that God was truly real and loved me. I'm praying God changes my heart this year like He did 4 years ago when I went on it for the first time. This is part of my testimony from a retreat I led over the summer to kind of give you a small idea of what went on:

During Adoration on Saturday night, I truly felt God’s presence. After Adoration began, I took the opportunity to go to Reconciliation. I told the priest about my cutting and how even though I was at a new school, I still just wanted to give up on life. Then he said something I will never forget: “God loves you so much and He doesn’t want you to quit. The world needs you and please, don’t give up.” I had already been crying because I was so ashamed of what I had done to myself, but when the priest said that to me, I began to cry even more because I knew he was right. Now as I look back on that night, I realize that God was physically sitting across from me and speaking to me through a man. It was absolutely incredible. After Confession, I went back to Adoration and just prayed. I asked God why He wanted a stupid teenager like me. I’d never done anything for Him and felt so unworthy. After a while, the retreat directors let us know that Benediction was going to take place. I will never forget what happened after that. As Fr. Luke, a Franciscan priest from the Bronx, walked around with the Blessed Sacrament, we were allowed to touch the garment touching the Eucharist. As Fr. Luke passed by and I touched the garment, I felt this warm feeling, like a hug and my tears just stopped. There is a song called “When God Ran” and there is a line that describes exactly the way I felt: “He lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes / with forgiveness in His voice He said, ‘Son, do you know I still love you?’” After that night, I was never the same.