Thursday, December 31, 2009
One Step Forward, 2 Steps Back
Well, my "huge" step to recovery didn't last too long...Some crap happened today and I ended up taking apart a razor and cutting with the blades. My forearm is now covered in cuts from 2 inches below my wrist to almost my elbow...It's not a pretty sight. I know I shouldn't have, but I just got so overwhelmed. I'm trying to figure out how to tell Fr. Robert or really even if I want to. Right now, I just feel like a hopeless case. Nothing is giving me enough reason to quit. I know it hurts the people I love and I know it could kill me, but for some reason, that's not enough. I absolutely HATE that I haven't found a reason to quit. It's really, really frustrating. I cannot even describe how frustrated I am with myself right now. I know Fr. Robert's frustrated with me, but I know he knows this isn't something I can really help. But here's the thing...take Fr. Robert's frustration and multiply it by like 10. That's how frustrated I am with myself. For some reason, I'm constantly going back to the blade. It's making me feel like I'm never going to be able to stop.
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Been lurking reading your blog for a while now. Hope you don't mind. Can't remember how I found it but I imagine googling God and si or something like that. And thanks to your blog I have found some great music, discovered TWLOHA (not well known here in the UK). I've even started a blog of my own for the first time as I am trying to become a proper Christian (it's been a hard journey and still is) and quit cutting (started at 14, now 26).
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone and I just wanted to thank you for your blog and the honesty in it. I would never have started mine last month without having been gaining strength from yours and we have the same fight with the urges, the perceived 'failures', the slip ups.
One slip up does not mean you have failed at all. I had a massive one (after I had got rid of all my blades) by stealing one at work in November and it was probably my worst ever but now almost nothing for almost a month. Maybe there is a use for shame lol. Still feel sick that I did it but we have to pick ourselves up I guess. Praying is a new thing for me but I will pray you can resist as well as for praying for myself.
Wish I didn't ramble on in mine as much as you manage not to, mine is just terrible waffle and confusion really (muddledbraindump on blogspot).
Hope you don't mind this message!