In 2011, I experienced the best times of my life as well as the worst times of my life.
Studying abroad in Austria was the biggest blessing I've ever experienced in my entire life. So much changed in me while I was there. I learned more about myself than I ever would have imagined. I saw things that I never thought I would. I saw the current pope and I saw the bones of the first pope, St. Peter. I saw one of the nails that crucified Jesus. Those are just 2 of the countless incredible experiences I had in Europe. While in Romania, I found my purpose in life.
I also experienced the darkest times of my life. I went from a truly happy person in Austria to an extremely depressed person. There were nights I didn't know how I was going to live to see the morning. But, I fought through all that and I learned what a fighter I am and that I am one hell of a stubborn, determined woman. I learned that I couldn't quit. God wasn't going to let me. And He didn't, even when I begged Him to let me quit.
Well, here's to a new year. I'm ready for the blessings and challenges that will come in 2012. I've got my INCREDIBLE friends, the communion of saints, and the Blessed Mother by my side and the Lord behind me and the strength that comes only from Him. I can't lose.
Bring it on, 2012.
A mission trip to Haiti, graduating college, and starting life as a missionary in Romania sounds pretty stinkin' good to me.
Happy New Year!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Reasons to Recover
2 weeks clean today.
Today I found a Tumblr called "100 Reasons to Recover" (there are almost 350 reasons posted there now) and I want to share some of the ones that hit me.
Today I found a Tumblr called "100 Reasons to Recover" (there are almost 350 reasons posted there now) and I want to share some of the ones that hit me.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Inner Strength
Home hasn't been nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I finally got it across to my parents that I'm serious about my mission work and that them making it out to be a joke really hurt me. So, they've finally stopped criticizing me and I'm going to Haiti in March and then Romania in September.
Something that's been bugging me this last week though is something that happened last week right before I came home. Last Monday night, with the stress of finals hitting the high point with sleep deprivation as well as the depression, I cut. I made a 7 inch cut from right below my "Love" tattoo almost to my elbow. It's healed now, but has left a nasty, nasty scar that if I'd known that was gonna happen, there's no way in hell I ever would've done it. It's a scar that's very obvious (part of it's because it's still pretty fresh. It'll fade more with time, but probably never go completely away) and long. I think I've only ever once posted a picture of a cut or scar, but I'm going to post one of this one because it'll show you what I mean...
It's made me think about all of this stuff. How much this has controlled my life. My life's consumed by hiding it. I know I'm strong (that's finally gotten through my thick skull) and these scars are my battle wounds. I've survived a lot of shit, but I'm still here and I'm still fighting. I don't cut nearly as often as I used to. It tends to be about once a month. I don't think about killing myself anymore (thank God). I've got a purpose in life. I'm not trying to be conceited here, but if after all the shit I've gone through I'm still here, God instilled a HUGE amount of strength in me, through Christ (Philippians 4:13). It kinda goes back to that conversation I had with Fr. Greg right before Christmas last year about how he has a lot of respect for me because I keep fighting. He's right. I could have given up a long time ago, but I didn't. I kept persevering when I thought I couldn't. So, here I am. A fighter with all her strength coming from the Lord. I'm fighting the good fight of faith (there's a reason that's the tattoo on my right arm).
"I have fought the good fight. I have run the race. I have kept the faith." -2 Timothy 4:7
I'm not sure if I'll post again before Christmas, but if not, I wish you and your family the most blessed Christmas. The God of the universe humbled Himself became one of us...crazy, huh?
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Who am I?
I've been thinking today about who I am. I have my likes and dislikes, but who am I? I could give you many answers, but these 4 are what hit me today.
A strong Catholic
A college student
A future missionary
A cutter
Why is it that I allow my mistakes to define me? I've messed up a lot in my life. I've hurt people. I've cut myself countless times.
I looked at my legs today and looked at the scars. I looked at my arm today and ran my hand over them. I let these stupid little things define me. But, how can I be loved when I've done so much damage. I'm a very broken person and I've accepted that. I'm trying to turn to the Lord and allow Him to fix it, but I'm not really sure how to surrender. Matt Maher's new song Rise Up has the line: "When you don't know how to surrender 'cause your whole life's been a fight..." There you go. Story of my life. I'm one hell of a fighter, but sometimes I wonder how much I have left in me. I've been fighting every day for the last 1,127 days.
Maybe that's who I am: a fighter. Hopefully the Lord can show me. I don't want to define myself as a cutter anymore. I just can't help thinking that I am. I'm reminded every single day by the scars. But I'm fighting.
"I was a fighter and very determined. There was no way I was going to back out without winning." -Christine Lahti
A strong Catholic
A college student
A future missionary
A cutter
Why is it that I allow my mistakes to define me? I've messed up a lot in my life. I've hurt people. I've cut myself countless times.
I looked at my legs today and looked at the scars. I looked at my arm today and ran my hand over them. I let these stupid little things define me. But, how can I be loved when I've done so much damage. I'm a very broken person and I've accepted that. I'm trying to turn to the Lord and allow Him to fix it, but I'm not really sure how to surrender. Matt Maher's new song Rise Up has the line: "When you don't know how to surrender 'cause your whole life's been a fight..." There you go. Story of my life. I'm one hell of a fighter, but sometimes I wonder how much I have left in me. I've been fighting every day for the last 1,127 days.
Maybe that's who I am: a fighter. Hopefully the Lord can show me. I don't want to define myself as a cutter anymore. I just can't help thinking that I am. I'm reminded every single day by the scars. But I'm fighting.
"I was a fighter and very determined. There was no way I was going to back out without winning." -Christine Lahti
Friday, December 9, 2011
Fixing My Life
"You don't have to fix your life for me. I die a little every time that you leave, so come home." That's part of Meredith Andrews' song "Come Home."
I feel like I have to fix my life to be able to be true friends with people or come to the Lord. I know that the Lord wants me to take my shattered little heart and let Him fix it, but I feel like I have to at least get part of my shit together before I can REALLY do that. I'm tired of going to the Lord with my heart in a million little pieces. I've given Him that countless times. He always gives me a new one, but I ALWAYS mess that up and it gets shattered again.
I'm just a really broken person right now. Just looking for healing, somewhere. I'm trying SO hard to find it. I feel like I'm unlovable because I'm such a freakin' mess. Fr. Greg told me last night that he's not giving up on me, but I'm starting to wish he would. That would make it easier to give up. I'm sick of being strong. People have no idea what's going on in my life or my heart. I don't talk about it because it only triggers stuff. In talking to Fr. Brad about stuff yesterday afternoon, I left wanting to drag the blade from my wrist to my elbow. It's sick.
Fr. Brad and Joe keep telling me that I have to change my thinking. I know that, trust me. But for the last 21 years, all that's ever been pounded into my head is that I'm not good enough and I'm not really all that important. It's not going to be an instantaneous change. Joe, as a counselor, understands that. He told me that this is probably going to be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do. I had to really emphasize that to Fr. Brad yesterday. He seems to think that 21 years of thinking can be changed instantaneously, which is oh, so wrong.
They want me to change my thinking by thinking truth when I begin to think lies. Well, that's never worked before. I tell myself those "truths" and just end up thinking that it's complete bullshit. It's not gonna happen.
I've got it hidden so well. If I don't let anybody see it, they won't know. The way to know how I'm really feeling, look at my face when I think no one's looking. That's the only time anyone would know. I act like I've got it all together, when in fact, I'm SO close to cracking once and for all. I don't know what else to do.
I feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time: Fr. Greg, Fr. Brad, Joe, God...everyone. I feel like a waste of space and that if I was gone, it really wouldn't be that big of a deal (I'm not going to do anything, so don't worry about it).
One thing I hate is that no where feels like home. Not Cincinnati, not Steubenville. Only Austria felt like home. I'm PRAYING that when I go to Romania (hopefully in September 2012) that I can finally feel like somewhere is home. It's frustrating as hell.
So, I'm still lost, trying to find my way, wanting to feel loved. How could someone really love the broken, scarred up mess that is Catherine? That's what I keep asking myself.
Lord, I need You to bust into my life. Please, I'm begging You. Bring peace to my mind and my heart.
I feel like I have to fix my life to be able to be true friends with people or come to the Lord. I know that the Lord wants me to take my shattered little heart and let Him fix it, but I feel like I have to at least get part of my shit together before I can REALLY do that. I'm tired of going to the Lord with my heart in a million little pieces. I've given Him that countless times. He always gives me a new one, but I ALWAYS mess that up and it gets shattered again.
I'm just a really broken person right now. Just looking for healing, somewhere. I'm trying SO hard to find it. I feel like I'm unlovable because I'm such a freakin' mess. Fr. Greg told me last night that he's not giving up on me, but I'm starting to wish he would. That would make it easier to give up. I'm sick of being strong. People have no idea what's going on in my life or my heart. I don't talk about it because it only triggers stuff. In talking to Fr. Brad about stuff yesterday afternoon, I left wanting to drag the blade from my wrist to my elbow. It's sick.
Fr. Brad and Joe keep telling me that I have to change my thinking. I know that, trust me. But for the last 21 years, all that's ever been pounded into my head is that I'm not good enough and I'm not really all that important. It's not going to be an instantaneous change. Joe, as a counselor, understands that. He told me that this is probably going to be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do. I had to really emphasize that to Fr. Brad yesterday. He seems to think that 21 years of thinking can be changed instantaneously, which is oh, so wrong.
They want me to change my thinking by thinking truth when I begin to think lies. Well, that's never worked before. I tell myself those "truths" and just end up thinking that it's complete bullshit. It's not gonna happen.
I've got it hidden so well. If I don't let anybody see it, they won't know. The way to know how I'm really feeling, look at my face when I think no one's looking. That's the only time anyone would know. I act like I've got it all together, when in fact, I'm SO close to cracking once and for all. I don't know what else to do.
I feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time: Fr. Greg, Fr. Brad, Joe, God...everyone. I feel like a waste of space and that if I was gone, it really wouldn't be that big of a deal (I'm not going to do anything, so don't worry about it).
One thing I hate is that no where feels like home. Not Cincinnati, not Steubenville. Only Austria felt like home. I'm PRAYING that when I go to Romania (hopefully in September 2012) that I can finally feel like somewhere is home. It's frustrating as hell.
So, I'm still lost, trying to find my way, wanting to feel loved. How could someone really love the broken, scarred up mess that is Catherine? That's what I keep asking myself.
Lord, I need You to bust into my life. Please, I'm begging You. Bring peace to my mind and my heart.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
On My Own
"For the battle is not yours, but God's" -2 Chronicles 20:15
There's a song by Ashes Remain called On My Own about how we, as humans, are not meant to fight the battle alone. We need God. The chorus says, "Bring me out, comes and find me in the dark now. I don't wanna fight alone anymore. Bring me out from the prison of my own pride. My God, I need a hope I can't deny. In the end I'm realizing, I was never meant to fight on my own." I don't want to fight on my own, but I don't want anyone involved except Joe and God.
As time goes, on, I'm realizing that I can't do this on my own. In the last 2 days, I've cut twice. I went to Confession today and it started to help. What Fr. Dan said was simple, but deep, and helped a lot. The only problem is that I've really shut off to people. I saw Fr. Rick yesterday and he said that he noticed how well I hide stuff. He said that when he sees me, I look happy, but then I talk to him in Confession or just one-on-one, he can see my brokenness.
I talked to Fr. Greg on the phone Tuesday night and I came to a realization. I feel like I don't matter. The good things in my life, like studying abroad, having a paper published, or raising all this money for starving kids, don't matter to me. I don't think they're a big deal, but to other people, they are. Fr. Greg told me that the fact that I'm graduating college even though I've been through all this shit really impresses him. Again to me, that doesn't matter. I don't know...I feel like if I wasn't here, it wouldn't really matter.
In talking to my counselor, he reminded me that cutting's a symptom of the depression. He and I actually don't talk about cutting that often. It's always about the other stuff. It's not because the cutting doesn't matter. It's because it's a symptom.
I just feel bad because I'm not talking to people. I told Fr. Rick and Fr. Brad that I didn't want to talk to them anymore. I'm not going to talk to people about it anymore. Joe's the only one I'm going to talk to about it. I'm sick of talking about it. I sound like a freakin' broken record. I told Fr. Greg that I'm not going to talk to him about it anymore.
I don't know. That's all I can say. I don't really know what's going on, but I just need to be. I am the way that I am. I've shut off and it is what it is...
Last week in prayer, the Lord put on my heart that things were going to get worse...a lot worse, but through that, I would draw closer to Him and He would bring me out in time for me to go back to Romania. I didn't really expect things to get this bad this quick, but it's God's will.
I just keep going back and forth. I want to keep fighting and then I also want to quit. I want to be happy, but then the depression just takes over. I don't know. Hopefully it'll eventually change.
AHH!! I JUST WANT TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER ONCE AND FOR ALL!!
There's a song by Ashes Remain called On My Own about how we, as humans, are not meant to fight the battle alone. We need God. The chorus says, "Bring me out, comes and find me in the dark now. I don't wanna fight alone anymore. Bring me out from the prison of my own pride. My God, I need a hope I can't deny. In the end I'm realizing, I was never meant to fight on my own." I don't want to fight on my own, but I don't want anyone involved except Joe and God.
As time goes, on, I'm realizing that I can't do this on my own. In the last 2 days, I've cut twice. I went to Confession today and it started to help. What Fr. Dan said was simple, but deep, and helped a lot. The only problem is that I've really shut off to people. I saw Fr. Rick yesterday and he said that he noticed how well I hide stuff. He said that when he sees me, I look happy, but then I talk to him in Confession or just one-on-one, he can see my brokenness.
I talked to Fr. Greg on the phone Tuesday night and I came to a realization. I feel like I don't matter. The good things in my life, like studying abroad, having a paper published, or raising all this money for starving kids, don't matter to me. I don't think they're a big deal, but to other people, they are. Fr. Greg told me that the fact that I'm graduating college even though I've been through all this shit really impresses him. Again to me, that doesn't matter. I don't know...I feel like if I wasn't here, it wouldn't really matter.
In talking to my counselor, he reminded me that cutting's a symptom of the depression. He and I actually don't talk about cutting that often. It's always about the other stuff. It's not because the cutting doesn't matter. It's because it's a symptom.
I just feel bad because I'm not talking to people. I told Fr. Rick and Fr. Brad that I didn't want to talk to them anymore. I'm not going to talk to people about it anymore. Joe's the only one I'm going to talk to about it. I'm sick of talking about it. I sound like a freakin' broken record. I told Fr. Greg that I'm not going to talk to him about it anymore.
I don't know. That's all I can say. I don't really know what's going on, but I just need to be. I am the way that I am. I've shut off and it is what it is...
Last week in prayer, the Lord put on my heart that things were going to get worse...a lot worse, but through that, I would draw closer to Him and He would bring me out in time for me to go back to Romania. I didn't really expect things to get this bad this quick, but it's God's will.
I just keep going back and forth. I want to keep fighting and then I also want to quit. I want to be happy, but then the depression just takes over. I don't know. Hopefully it'll eventually change.
AHH!! I JUST WANT TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER ONCE AND FOR ALL!!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
On Thanksgiving by TWLOHA
This hit me hard. I was feeling super thankful on Thanksgiving (and I'm also pretty thankful other days), but I also felt pretty down. It's amazing how TWLOHA can always hit me in the heart.
------------------------------------------------------------------
We hope that today is a good day, a day spent with family and friends and a day to pause with thanks. We know for some it’s not, or it’s simply not that simple.
To everyone heavy with the weight of things missing or fractured today,
It doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful or unthankful.
It only means you’re human.
And you’re not alone in that.
We lose things in this life. We all do.
Things are taken. Things break and leave and we are kept from what we love. We are kept from peace.
If today finds you more aware of what you’ve lost than what you have, this is for you, a note to say you’re not alone. A lot of people feel what you feel today.
Perhaps today finds you with the same faces as one year ago today. And when they ask how you are or if anything is new, perhaps you wish you had some different answers. Answers that sound like change or pride or progress. Maybe you wanted this year to be about change but not a lot has changed. Or maybe changes came but they were not the ones you hoped for.
It’s okay. Where you are and what you feel and what you wish was different. It’s okay.
You’re still here and this day will pass and tomorrow has never happened before. The same is even true for the rest of today. Things can still be new. There is room for healing and surprise and even room for change.
This life is not a race. It’s not a contest or a competition. It’s a patient broken story breaking more and healing more with all our different days, rich with winning as well as losing. The beauty is that we get to go together.
The highlight of my 2011 has been to get to know someone walking through the hardest year that they have ever known. For them, it's been a year of loss and losing. To get to know this person in this time, it’s been nothing like a burden. It’s been a privilege and a blessing and a surprise. It’s caused me to believe in better things, reminded me of dreams I used to dream and how i hope to live.
We’re meant to win and lose together. We’re meant to know some people on this journey, to walk it together, to mourn and cry one day, to laugh and dance the next. We get to carry each other and we get to remind each other all that’s true, of everything not lost. We get to remind each other that we absolutely positively can't give up, can't settle. We get to say that these terrible wonderful journeys are priceless and we must keep going. Not because we have to but because our stories our bigger than ourselves and because we just might be surprised.
On behalf of our entire team, please know that we’re grateful beyond words for you and your support. We could not have dreamed this thing up, this story that you let us live, the chance to do these jobs that we believe in, this work of bringing hope and help to people all across the planet. We’re thankful and we say thank you.
Peace to you today.
And Happy Thanksgiving.
jamie
------------------------------------------------------------------
We hope that today is a good day, a day spent with family and friends and a day to pause with thanks. We know for some it’s not, or it’s simply not that simple.
To everyone heavy with the weight of things missing or fractured today,
It doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful or unthankful.
It only means you’re human.
And you’re not alone in that.
We lose things in this life. We all do.
Things are taken. Things break and leave and we are kept from what we love. We are kept from peace.
If today finds you more aware of what you’ve lost than what you have, this is for you, a note to say you’re not alone. A lot of people feel what you feel today.
Perhaps today finds you with the same faces as one year ago today. And when they ask how you are or if anything is new, perhaps you wish you had some different answers. Answers that sound like change or pride or progress. Maybe you wanted this year to be about change but not a lot has changed. Or maybe changes came but they were not the ones you hoped for.
It’s okay. Where you are and what you feel and what you wish was different. It’s okay.
You’re still here and this day will pass and tomorrow has never happened before. The same is even true for the rest of today. Things can still be new. There is room for healing and surprise and even room for change.
This life is not a race. It’s not a contest or a competition. It’s a patient broken story breaking more and healing more with all our different days, rich with winning as well as losing. The beauty is that we get to go together.
The highlight of my 2011 has been to get to know someone walking through the hardest year that they have ever known. For them, it's been a year of loss and losing. To get to know this person in this time, it’s been nothing like a burden. It’s been a privilege and a blessing and a surprise. It’s caused me to believe in better things, reminded me of dreams I used to dream and how i hope to live.
We’re meant to win and lose together. We’re meant to know some people on this journey, to walk it together, to mourn and cry one day, to laugh and dance the next. We get to carry each other and we get to remind each other all that’s true, of everything not lost. We get to remind each other that we absolutely positively can't give up, can't settle. We get to say that these terrible wonderful journeys are priceless and we must keep going. Not because we have to but because our stories our bigger than ourselves and because we just might be surprised.
On behalf of our entire team, please know that we’re grateful beyond words for you and your support. We could not have dreamed this thing up, this story that you let us live, the chance to do these jobs that we believe in, this work of bringing hope and help to people all across the planet. We’re thankful and we say thank you.
Peace to you today.
And Happy Thanksgiving.
jamie
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Addiction: Suffering, Hope, and Healing
For my Theology of Healing class, I recently wrote a paper called Addiction: Suffering, Hope, and Healing. It's basically about how addictions are the result of some type of suffering and that a person must have hope if they are to ever find healing. My first hand experience from my intense struggle with cutting helped me A LOT when writing this paper.
To be honest, I never thought I'd end up getting the response I did; to me, it was just another paper. But, I was standing in the hallway outside one of my classrooms when my Healing professor walked by. She stopped and told me how much she loved my paper. I was floored. I've never had a professor come up to me and tell me how good something I did was. I got an A on the paper and after class, my professor pulled me aside and told me that she recommended my paper be published. I couldn't believe it. It never would have even crossed my mind to ever try to get a paper published.
One of my household sisters who has struggled with addictions herself asked me to send it to her, so I did. She texted me after she was finished reading it telling me that she LOVED it and that her new favorite quote was from my paper. I asked her which one (I assumed it was something I had quoted and not actually something I'd written, but I was wrong. It was something I'd written) and this was it:
"When someone is seriously addicted to something, it is only the addiction that speaks. When the man in Mark 5 is possessed, only the demons can speak. The person who is addicted loses themselves. The person who has taken over cannot speak anymore. It is only when Christ comes into the life of the person that the shackles can be broken and the person can be liberated." I was honored when she told me that.
I wrote this paper for myself as well as other people who struggle with addictions. I know first hand what it's like and all I wanted to do was be able to share with others that the way to true healing is Christ. My household sister confirmed for me that I'd succeeded in what I was trying to do.
If you're interested in reading it, please let me know. Feel free to comment and let me know. I ask that if you do ask me to send it to you and you do read it, please do not share it with anyone else without first asking my permission. Gotta protect my hard work, ya know?
Jeremiah 30:17
To be honest, I never thought I'd end up getting the response I did; to me, it was just another paper. But, I was standing in the hallway outside one of my classrooms when my Healing professor walked by. She stopped and told me how much she loved my paper. I was floored. I've never had a professor come up to me and tell me how good something I did was. I got an A on the paper and after class, my professor pulled me aside and told me that she recommended my paper be published. I couldn't believe it. It never would have even crossed my mind to ever try to get a paper published.
One of my household sisters who has struggled with addictions herself asked me to send it to her, so I did. She texted me after she was finished reading it telling me that she LOVED it and that her new favorite quote was from my paper. I asked her which one (I assumed it was something I had quoted and not actually something I'd written, but I was wrong. It was something I'd written) and this was it:
"When someone is seriously addicted to something, it is only the addiction that speaks. When the man in Mark 5 is possessed, only the demons can speak. The person who is addicted loses themselves. The person who has taken over cannot speak anymore. It is only when Christ comes into the life of the person that the shackles can be broken and the person can be liberated." I was honored when she told me that.
I wrote this paper for myself as well as other people who struggle with addictions. I know first hand what it's like and all I wanted to do was be able to share with others that the way to true healing is Christ. My household sister confirmed for me that I'd succeeded in what I was trying to do.
If you're interested in reading it, please let me know. Feel free to comment and let me know. I ask that if you do ask me to send it to you and you do read it, please do not share it with anyone else without first asking my permission. Gotta protect my hard work, ya know?
Jeremiah 30:17
Thursday, November 24, 2011
A Lot To Be Thankful For
Today is Thanksgiving in the U.S. (for my non-American readers. I know you're out there. Hahaha) and I have a lot to be thankful for:
I am SO SO thankful for my Catholic faith, Franciscan Universtiy, my semester in Austria, the gift of laughter, my family, my absolutely incredible friends (my second family), Fr. Brad, Fr. Rick, Fr. Greg, and all the friars at school, my household, my house off campus and my crazy housemates, the ability to go back to Romania after graduation, my best friend and her new baby, and the fact that I'm not who I used to be.
My best friend had a baby a little over 2 weeks ago. Her name is Ashlynn Sophia and I had no idea I could love a little baby so much. I met her for the first time on Tuesday night and cried the second I saw her. She is so beautiful and I'm not just saying that because she's my best friend's daughter. She is genuinely a beautiful baby :) She has brought so much joy to my life the last few days.
I was really thinking today about how I'm not who I used to be and thank God for that. I used to be such a horrible person. I'm not even kidding. While I was at Xavier, I was a bitch. Praise the Lord for the way he changed me. I recently re-read some messages I'd received and sent on Facebook while I was there and holy crap...I don't even know the person who sent those messages. I just can't even believe I was ever that person or that I ever even had any friends. I was floored. I really can't even put it into words...
This is short, sweet, and to the point. With the cutting, 2 1/2 weeks clean. I'm talking to my counselor again. I talked to Fr. Brad the other day and went to Confession with Fr. Rick. My prayer life's getting better and I'm starting to get my shit together. So, I ask for your prayers that I can stay on the right track.
I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. -Galatians 2:20
I am SO SO thankful for my Catholic faith, Franciscan Universtiy, my semester in Austria, the gift of laughter, my family, my absolutely incredible friends (my second family), Fr. Brad, Fr. Rick, Fr. Greg, and all the friars at school, my household, my house off campus and my crazy housemates, the ability to go back to Romania after graduation, my best friend and her new baby, and the fact that I'm not who I used to be.
My best friend had a baby a little over 2 weeks ago. Her name is Ashlynn Sophia and I had no idea I could love a little baby so much. I met her for the first time on Tuesday night and cried the second I saw her. She is so beautiful and I'm not just saying that because she's my best friend's daughter. She is genuinely a beautiful baby :) She has brought so much joy to my life the last few days.
I was really thinking today about how I'm not who I used to be and thank God for that. I used to be such a horrible person. I'm not even kidding. While I was at Xavier, I was a bitch. Praise the Lord for the way he changed me. I recently re-read some messages I'd received and sent on Facebook while I was there and holy crap...I don't even know the person who sent those messages. I just can't even believe I was ever that person or that I ever even had any friends. I was floored. I really can't even put it into words...
This is short, sweet, and to the point. With the cutting, 2 1/2 weeks clean. I'm talking to my counselor again. I talked to Fr. Brad the other day and went to Confession with Fr. Rick. My prayer life's getting better and I'm starting to get my shit together. So, I ask for your prayers that I can stay on the right track.
I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. -Galatians 2:20
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Brutal Honesty
I'm not really sure how to feel right now. This is one of those posts about just kinda where I'm at and the insanity currently going through my head. Please, don't judge me based on this.
I received PHENOMENAL news yesterday: as long as I can fundraise enough, I'm going to Romania as a missionary after graduation! I'm so excited about that, but also nervous. I'm afraid I won't be able to raise enough money to be able to live over there for a while. I guess I'll just have to trust that the Lord will provide.
But, I'm feeling kinda down. Some shit went on last week and I relapsed. I would have been 4 weeks clean that day, but no...I had to go mess it up. I slashed up my legs pretty good. I was in so much pain that night I didn't sleep and then all that next day, I could barely walk. People can't see my upper legs. If they could, they'd be HORRIFIED. I'm at the point where I really just don't want to keep trying to stop anymore. When things start to be okay, I just give in. I don't even have any fight left in me. I get an impulse and I just do it. It's so frustrating. Like right now, I want to do it. It's all for a really stupid reason, but I do. I'm starting to withdraw myself from everything. I don't hang out with my friends much anymore. I just go to class and then go back to my house off campus. I haven't talked to Fr. Rick in forever. I texted him the other day telling him I was done and that I was sorry I'd wasted so much of his time over the last almost 2 years. I saw him once in the student center and he patted my head as he walked by and I gave him a half-ass smile. I know he knew that's when I meant what I said. He looked kinda sad. I haven't talked to Fr. Greg since I saw him and I'm not in the mood to deal with it. My counselor's back and he sent me an e-mail letting me know he was back. I responded telling him that I couldn't do the whole counseling thing right now. I'm just too emotionally fucked up right now. Right now, it's not gonna help. I just can't right now. I'm too emotionally shut off.
God, why does this always happen? It's so fucking screwed up. I've realized that the fake face I put on works pretty damn good. I know a Benedictine monk in DC and I saw him when we were there for fall break. He said that I just radiate joy. That's the moment I realized how good my facade really is. I'm good enough to cut myself and instantly pull myself back together and put a fake smile on.
I just want to be okay. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I haven't gone to daily Mass in forever. This is the problem: I've shut off from God. I don't want to pray. It's all just weird. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling at all. That's one reason I cut.
You can tell me all you want that I'm beautiful and loved, but it's not gonna change my thinking. In my 21 years of life, I've never TRULY believed it. Nothing's gonna change it now...
.
I received PHENOMENAL news yesterday: as long as I can fundraise enough, I'm going to Romania as a missionary after graduation! I'm so excited about that, but also nervous. I'm afraid I won't be able to raise enough money to be able to live over there for a while. I guess I'll just have to trust that the Lord will provide.
But, I'm feeling kinda down. Some shit went on last week and I relapsed. I would have been 4 weeks clean that day, but no...I had to go mess it up. I slashed up my legs pretty good. I was in so much pain that night I didn't sleep and then all that next day, I could barely walk. People can't see my upper legs. If they could, they'd be HORRIFIED. I'm at the point where I really just don't want to keep trying to stop anymore. When things start to be okay, I just give in. I don't even have any fight left in me. I get an impulse and I just do it. It's so frustrating. Like right now, I want to do it. It's all for a really stupid reason, but I do. I'm starting to withdraw myself from everything. I don't hang out with my friends much anymore. I just go to class and then go back to my house off campus. I haven't talked to Fr. Rick in forever. I texted him the other day telling him I was done and that I was sorry I'd wasted so much of his time over the last almost 2 years. I saw him once in the student center and he patted my head as he walked by and I gave him a half-ass smile. I know he knew that's when I meant what I said. He looked kinda sad. I haven't talked to Fr. Greg since I saw him and I'm not in the mood to deal with it. My counselor's back and he sent me an e-mail letting me know he was back. I responded telling him that I couldn't do the whole counseling thing right now. I'm just too emotionally fucked up right now. Right now, it's not gonna help. I just can't right now. I'm too emotionally shut off.
God, why does this always happen? It's so fucking screwed up. I've realized that the fake face I put on works pretty damn good. I know a Benedictine monk in DC and I saw him when we were there for fall break. He said that I just radiate joy. That's the moment I realized how good my facade really is. I'm good enough to cut myself and instantly pull myself back together and put a fake smile on.
I just want to be okay. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I haven't gone to daily Mass in forever. This is the problem: I've shut off from God. I don't want to pray. It's all just weird. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling at all. That's one reason I cut.
You can tell me all you want that I'm beautiful and loved, but it's not gonna change my thinking. In my 21 years of life, I've never TRULY believed it. Nothing's gonna change it now...
.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Telling Ghosts to Go by TWLOHA
This was posted by Jamie Tworkowski, the founder of To Write Love On Her Arms, on Halloween. It really hit my heart.
What does it mean when something is haunted? What exactly is a ghost?
Is it when something from the past refuses to leave? Is it when something dies but doesn't go?
It's easy to talk about haunted places. A haunted house. A haunted building. We smile at those stories. We get excited. There is no stigma, no shame. But what about haunted people? Isn't it true that, as people, our lives can become haunted things as well? The past can haunt the present. The past can steal the future.
Isn't that what most of this is about? Something painful in our past? Something breaks or something dies and in living with the pain, we begin to live with ghosts. And by our choices, we either ask the ghosts to leave or we help them make a home.
If we can talk about haunted buildings, then we should be able to talk about haunted people. We should be able to put a hand up and say, "I'm not doing well" or "I need some help" or "Can we talk?"
Maybe we begin to ask the ghosts to leave when we begin to ask some other folks to join us in our haunted places. In the broken parts of stories. Our messes and our questions. To meet us, to know us, to help, to care, to listen.
Maybe we begin to help our friends become unhaunted when we let them know we're not afraid of their pain. When we ask to really know them. When we ask to see inside. When we do our part to go beyond the distance and the smile, deeper to "who are you?" and "how are you?" and "are you okay?"
i have been a haunted house. i have had things die but stay and i didn't know how to make them leave. And there were certainly times i didn't want them to leave because they were beautiful. They were no longer real but they were beautiful. They were bridges to brighter days. i thought they were my dreams.
But reality is the best place to live. Reality is where healing happens. In the honest light and by the voices of our friends.
We all have our past. We all have our pain. We will all know ghosts from time to time. But if our life is like a building, then we should open our doors to let some people see inside. And into our darkest places - into those rooms that hold our fears and dreams - we will begin to walk together. Friends with hope like candles, telling ghosts to go.
---------
Having friends who support me through my hardest times means the world to me. When I can text a few people and just say, "Hey. Toss up a prayer for me?" and for them to be like "For sure" means the world to me. I'm so blessed.
What does it mean when something is haunted? What exactly is a ghost?
Is it when something from the past refuses to leave? Is it when something dies but doesn't go?
It's easy to talk about haunted places. A haunted house. A haunted building. We smile at those stories. We get excited. There is no stigma, no shame. But what about haunted people? Isn't it true that, as people, our lives can become haunted things as well? The past can haunt the present. The past can steal the future.
Isn't that what most of this is about? Something painful in our past? Something breaks or something dies and in living with the pain, we begin to live with ghosts. And by our choices, we either ask the ghosts to leave or we help them make a home.
If we can talk about haunted buildings, then we should be able to talk about haunted people. We should be able to put a hand up and say, "I'm not doing well" or "I need some help" or "Can we talk?"
Maybe we begin to ask the ghosts to leave when we begin to ask some other folks to join us in our haunted places. In the broken parts of stories. Our messes and our questions. To meet us, to know us, to help, to care, to listen.
Maybe we begin to help our friends become unhaunted when we let them know we're not afraid of their pain. When we ask to really know them. When we ask to see inside. When we do our part to go beyond the distance and the smile, deeper to "who are you?" and "how are you?" and "are you okay?"
i have been a haunted house. i have had things die but stay and i didn't know how to make them leave. And there were certainly times i didn't want them to leave because they were beautiful. They were no longer real but they were beautiful. They were bridges to brighter days. i thought they were my dreams.
But reality is the best place to live. Reality is where healing happens. In the honest light and by the voices of our friends.
We all have our past. We all have our pain. We will all know ghosts from time to time. But if our life is like a building, then we should open our doors to let some people see inside. And into our darkest places - into those rooms that hold our fears and dreams - we will begin to walk together. Friends with hope like candles, telling ghosts to go.
---------
Having friends who support me through my hardest times means the world to me. When I can text a few people and just say, "Hey. Toss up a prayer for me?" and for them to be like "For sure" means the world to me. I'm so blessed.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Fall Break in DC
Erinn, Kevin, and I just got back from DC, and dang...it was blessed. Fr. James, a Dominican priest that Erinn knows, agreed to do their wedding, which is SUPER awesome :)
I got to see Fr. Greg on Saturday. He started off with the thing he always does. He hugged me and just held me. He does this thing where he puts his hand on the back of my head and just holds me with his arms wrapped around me. Fr. Greg is the person who loved me when no one else did. He's always been by my side since I met him almost 3 years ago. My relationship with him is somewhere between best friend and father. It's weird, but Fr. Greg's friendship is one of the things I cherish most in my life. He's the only reason I'm still alive. His words are what has gotten me through some of the roughest nights of my life.
We sat down and had our normal talk and prayer time. I wasn't really in the mood to get too deep, so he asked me how I was and I tried to bullshit him right off the back. He caught it. Part of me was hoping he wouldn't, but he's known me long enough that before I was even done saying the sentence. He asked me how I was and I said I wasn't too bad. I said I was tired because I'm always so busy with school, but hey, welcome to college. He said, "No. You know what I mean. How are you?" I knew right then I was going to have to do what I was hoping I wouldn't. So, we talked. He asked me about everything going on and then he randomly stopped me and said, "You have to stop thinking I'm going to quit on you. I'm a priest. I'm supposed to be Christ to you. If I quit on you, then I'm not doing my job. And I'd also be doing a shitty job of being your friend. You can try to get me to quit on you, but it ain't happenin, kid." Trust me, I've tried to push him away and get him to quit on me MANY times over the last few years. He'll even tell you I do a good job of trying to push him away, but that I never will be able to.
After we talked for a while, he and I went to the chapel and he prayed over me. He first anointed my head and began praying. He placed his hands on my head and prayed in silence. He was shaking. Then he sat down next to me and anointed my hands and prayed that my hands would no longer hurt, but heal. He prayed that I would know and truly believe that I am loved, and know that I am a woman of God for whom He has great things planned. He knelt down in front of me, pulled my sleeve up. I stopped him. I wouldn't let him see the scars left from the cutting a few weeks ago. He took my face in his hands, looked me in the eye, and said "I don't care. Please. You need this." I hesitated for a second then pulled up my sleeve for him. I watched his face to see if I could tell what he was thinking. I wasn't prepared for what I saw. He looked at my arm, looked at me, and he started to tear up.and a tear came down his left cheek That's when I lost it. I couldn't handle it. I tried to get up and leave the chapel, but he stopped me. He asked me to stay for him, so I agreed. I sat back down and he continued praying over me. All I could do was look at my hands and think about all the damage I'd done to myself with them. He finished praying over me and sat back down next to me. He said, "What are you thinking?" I told him that my hands had done so much damage that I wonder how they'll ever be able to do any good. He just sat there. Then, a minute later, I said, "The scars." He looked at me and told me that they don't matter. I fought him on that one. I told him that they matter to me. I asked him how the heck am I ever supposed to heal from all this when ever single day, multiple times a day, I have to see the damage I've done to myself. He said I'd get there.
Then, I stood up and he hugged me again. He said, "I love you, Catherine. I'm glad you're still here." He hugged me tighter and I told him that he was the only reason I'm still here. Then, he just held on. He put his hand on the back of my head again and then the tears started flowing again. I know I've said it before, but when he hugs me, it's like God's got His arms wrapped around me. I literally could stay in Fr. Greg's hugs all day.
I have never felt as loved as I have when I'm with Fr. Greg. Like I've said a million times before, he's the truest example of Christ in my life and he is one of my best friends. He's such a gift to me. I needed Christ in my life, so God gave me Fr. Greg.
I got to see Fr. Greg on Saturday. He started off with the thing he always does. He hugged me and just held me. He does this thing where he puts his hand on the back of my head and just holds me with his arms wrapped around me. Fr. Greg is the person who loved me when no one else did. He's always been by my side since I met him almost 3 years ago. My relationship with him is somewhere between best friend and father. It's weird, but Fr. Greg's friendship is one of the things I cherish most in my life. He's the only reason I'm still alive. His words are what has gotten me through some of the roughest nights of my life.
We sat down and had our normal talk and prayer time. I wasn't really in the mood to get too deep, so he asked me how I was and I tried to bullshit him right off the back. He caught it. Part of me was hoping he wouldn't, but he's known me long enough that before I was even done saying the sentence. He asked me how I was and I said I wasn't too bad. I said I was tired because I'm always so busy with school, but hey, welcome to college. He said, "No. You know what I mean. How are you?" I knew right then I was going to have to do what I was hoping I wouldn't. So, we talked. He asked me about everything going on and then he randomly stopped me and said, "You have to stop thinking I'm going to quit on you. I'm a priest. I'm supposed to be Christ to you. If I quit on you, then I'm not doing my job. And I'd also be doing a shitty job of being your friend. You can try to get me to quit on you, but it ain't happenin, kid." Trust me, I've tried to push him away and get him to quit on me MANY times over the last few years. He'll even tell you I do a good job of trying to push him away, but that I never will be able to.
After we talked for a while, he and I went to the chapel and he prayed over me. He first anointed my head and began praying. He placed his hands on my head and prayed in silence. He was shaking. Then he sat down next to me and anointed my hands and prayed that my hands would no longer hurt, but heal. He prayed that I would know and truly believe that I am loved, and know that I am a woman of God for whom He has great things planned. He knelt down in front of me, pulled my sleeve up. I stopped him. I wouldn't let him see the scars left from the cutting a few weeks ago. He took my face in his hands, looked me in the eye, and said "I don't care. Please. You need this." I hesitated for a second then pulled up my sleeve for him. I watched his face to see if I could tell what he was thinking. I wasn't prepared for what I saw. He looked at my arm, looked at me, and he started to tear up.and a tear came down his left cheek That's when I lost it. I couldn't handle it. I tried to get up and leave the chapel, but he stopped me. He asked me to stay for him, so I agreed. I sat back down and he continued praying over me. All I could do was look at my hands and think about all the damage I'd done to myself with them. He finished praying over me and sat back down next to me. He said, "What are you thinking?" I told him that my hands had done so much damage that I wonder how they'll ever be able to do any good. He just sat there. Then, a minute later, I said, "The scars." He looked at me and told me that they don't matter. I fought him on that one. I told him that they matter to me. I asked him how the heck am I ever supposed to heal from all this when ever single day, multiple times a day, I have to see the damage I've done to myself. He said I'd get there.
Then, I stood up and he hugged me again. He said, "I love you, Catherine. I'm glad you're still here." He hugged me tighter and I told him that he was the only reason I'm still here. Then, he just held on. He put his hand on the back of my head again and then the tears started flowing again. I know I've said it before, but when he hugs me, it's like God's got His arms wrapped around me. I literally could stay in Fr. Greg's hugs all day.
I have never felt as loved as I have when I'm with Fr. Greg. Like I've said a million times before, he's the truest example of Christ in my life and he is one of my best friends. He's such a gift to me. I needed Christ in my life, so God gave me Fr. Greg.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Thinking About Stuff
I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. I talked to my friend Manuel for 2 hours last night and we talked about how I need to claim the grace that God has given me through the sacraments as well as daily life. Here's a big problem, since my grandma died 3 weeks ago, the Lord and I haven't been on exactly good terms. Both Fr. Rick and Fr. Brad have tried to help me, but I'm still kinda shut off from them. I don't want to ask them for help, you know? Fr. Rick came up to me in the student center on Monday and asked if I wanted to talk with him and wanted him to pray over me. I told him I was fine (which I sort of was) and that I'd let him know if I got to the point where I really needed him. I know he's sick of always hearing the same crap over and over out of my mouth. He's a human being and there's no way by now he couldn't be sick of it. But, whatever. I haven't been to daily Mass except with my household, which is a huge change from my usual daily life. I want to have a good relationship with the Lord, but me in my stubbornness, it can be hard.
I'm going to DC with my friends Erinn and Kevin tomorrow through Tuesday for fall break. I'm meeting up with Fr. Greg on Saturday and I'm really looking forward to it. I need some time with one of my favorite people ever. I've been really blessed to have him in my life. After we met for the first time, we didn't know if I'd ever get to see him again. Then, I transferred here and I've been able to see him 3 times since then. The opportunities have just kind of fallen into place for me to go to DC. Last year, it was to go on a retreat and then he came out here. Then, in June, Nick and I took a road trip to hang with our friends Josh and Jackie, who we hadn't seen since the December before, and I got to see him. Every time I meet up with Fr. Greg, I experience serious spiritual warfare after. My heart literally hurts. I get discouraged, etc. I've been praying for the last month that the Lord might fight for me harder than he ever has before. I know I'm a strong person, but the stuff that happens every time we meet up is some of the most intense warfare I experience.
I'm starting to get my shit back together. I haven't cut in 2 1/2 weeks, which is really good since Joe hasn't been here. Oh, yeah. That's something that'll be interesting. The scars on my left arm had faded, so when Fr. Greg saw me in June he was like, "Dude...I don't see any scars." First of all, I hadn't cut on my arms all summer, it was all on my legs. But, now, he gets to see the new ones on my arm. He always looks at my arms when he sees me. He doesn't know that I know he does, but I do. Of course he sees my arms when he prays over me because he anoints them while asking the Lord for healing. I'm looking forward to some hardcore prayer time with Fr. Greg and I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, the Lord will do something totally radical. Whatever He wants.
I'm really looking forward to spending time with Erinn, who's one of my closest friends. I'm so blessed to have her in my life. And her fiance, Kevin, is awesome too, so it's going to be a really good time. A much needed good time :)
I'm going to DC with my friends Erinn and Kevin tomorrow through Tuesday for fall break. I'm meeting up with Fr. Greg on Saturday and I'm really looking forward to it. I need some time with one of my favorite people ever. I've been really blessed to have him in my life. After we met for the first time, we didn't know if I'd ever get to see him again. Then, I transferred here and I've been able to see him 3 times since then. The opportunities have just kind of fallen into place for me to go to DC. Last year, it was to go on a retreat and then he came out here. Then, in June, Nick and I took a road trip to hang with our friends Josh and Jackie, who we hadn't seen since the December before, and I got to see him. Every time I meet up with Fr. Greg, I experience serious spiritual warfare after. My heart literally hurts. I get discouraged, etc. I've been praying for the last month that the Lord might fight for me harder than he ever has before. I know I'm a strong person, but the stuff that happens every time we meet up is some of the most intense warfare I experience.
I'm starting to get my shit back together. I haven't cut in 2 1/2 weeks, which is really good since Joe hasn't been here. Oh, yeah. That's something that'll be interesting. The scars on my left arm had faded, so when Fr. Greg saw me in June he was like, "Dude...I don't see any scars." First of all, I hadn't cut on my arms all summer, it was all on my legs. But, now, he gets to see the new ones on my arm. He always looks at my arms when he sees me. He doesn't know that I know he does, but I do. Of course he sees my arms when he prays over me because he anoints them while asking the Lord for healing. I'm looking forward to some hardcore prayer time with Fr. Greg and I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, the Lord will do something totally radical. Whatever He wants.
I'm really looking forward to spending time with Erinn, who's one of my closest friends. I'm so blessed to have her in my life. And her fiance, Kevin, is awesome too, so it's going to be a really good time. A much needed good time :)
Friday, October 21, 2011
Bad Experience
My normal counselor, Joe, had back surgery 2 weeks ago, so he obviously can't see me for a while. He should be back in about 3 more weeks. So, before he left, he talked to another one of the counselors here on campus to see if she'd talk with me while he was gone. After 2 weeks of her trying to contact me, I reluctantly agreed to go. Well, it didn't go well. I didn't want to go, so I was answering questions with one word answers. She asked me what I was going to do after graduation. I told her mission work in Romania. She looked at me like an idiot. That's when it started going downhill. Then she brought up the cutting, so I started to shut down. She tried to talk to me a little bit about it. Then she asked when the last time I did it was, I reluctantly answered and then she asked to see where I'd done it a few weeks ago. I didn't want to show her, so she asked again. I was EXTREMELY hesitant, but I showed her my arm. Then she started asking dumb questions about it. Did you draw blood? Well, yeah. That's kind of one of the reasons I do it. Plus, those scars are way to big for there to have been no blood. It only got worse. About 20 minutes into it, she asked if I would give her my blades. I said not yet, but in my head I thought, "You don't know anything about me. Hell no." She looked at me kinda surprised. That's when I completely shut off. The nasty physical feeling of wanting to cut began running through my arms and legs. In my head, I knew that when I got back to the house, I was going to cut (which I haven't and won't. I promised my friend Maggie that I wouldn't).
The only reason I initially agreed to see Joe was because in our first session, he promised to NEVER ask for my blades, ever. And in a few sessions, he's told me that if I was going to cut, at least be safe about it. I respect Joe a lot for that. When I get rid of my blades without actually being ready, it always ends up REALLY bad. Like, all out panic attack. Poor Fr. Rick has seen it 3 or 4 times. I start shaking, my heart races, I can't breathe, it's a mess. Joe knows that if I'm not ready (which, on 2 different occasions, I have given him my blades, but then eventually gone out to get more), things only get worse. He'd rather I take a step backwards instead of like 10, which is what happens if I'm not ready.
It just ticked me off. I'm not going back to counseling until Joe gets back. I know I can do this with the help of my friends and the Lord until Joe comes back. I'll be fine.
The only reason I initially agreed to see Joe was because in our first session, he promised to NEVER ask for my blades, ever. And in a few sessions, he's told me that if I was going to cut, at least be safe about it. I respect Joe a lot for that. When I get rid of my blades without actually being ready, it always ends up REALLY bad. Like, all out panic attack. Poor Fr. Rick has seen it 3 or 4 times. I start shaking, my heart races, I can't breathe, it's a mess. Joe knows that if I'm not ready (which, on 2 different occasions, I have given him my blades, but then eventually gone out to get more), things only get worse. He'd rather I take a step backwards instead of like 10, which is what happens if I'm not ready.
It just ticked me off. I'm not going back to counseling until Joe gets back. I know I can do this with the help of my friends and the Lord until Joe comes back. I'll be fine.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Mission Work in Romania
I can't believe this is happening. I've been talking to the guy in charge of mission work here on campus and yesterday, we decided that we are going to make my mission work in Romania happen. Kevin runs a non-profit organization for missionaries called Missions of Hope (http://bringhope.org/#/who-we-are/missionaries). Well, I've officially applied to be a part of his organization. I've been approved by Kevin and he's put me up on their website along with the name of my mission: Evanghelizare prin Iubire, which means "Evangelize Through Love" in Romanian.
This is my mission statement:
"Evanghelizare prin Iubire’s main mission is to reach the youth of Romania through catechesis as well as witnessing to the love of Christ in everyday life. The scar of Communism still remains on the hearts of the people and the mission wants to bring healing and hope to the youth, for they are the future of their country. Pope Paul VI emphasized the importance of witnessing when he said, “Without repeating everything that we have already mentioned, it is appropriate first of all to emphasize the following point: for the Church, the first means of evangelization is the witness of an authentically Christian life, given over to God in a communion that nothing should destroy and at the same time given to one's neighbor with limitless zeal. As we said recently to a group of lay people, ‘Modern man listens more willingly to witnesses than to teachers, and if he does listen to teachers, it is because they are witnesses.’” –Evangelii Nuntiandi 41."
My mission statement has been sent to the board of directors of Missions of Hope and now I'm just waiting. The fact that I have been approved by Kevin is the answer to many, many prayers. For the last 6 months, I've prayed everyday that if it's the Lord's will for me to be a missionary in Romania, then let it be. Well, I'm one step closer to that. Once I get approval from the board, it's official. Then, I begin fundraising for my life as a missionary in Romania. I'm not sure at this point how long I'd stay. At this point, 6 months to a year is what it's looking like. But, like I've said, whatever God's will is. The only way this can happen is for God to move this all forward.
I've gotten a lot of opposition from people, including my family, but you know what? I'm doing what the Lord is calling me to do. I just want to restore hope to the people of Romania. I want to show them what Christ can do. Christ heals, Christ brings hope. Late last night, I had a heart-to-heart with my friend James. He knows about my past and he knows how broken of a person I am. He asked me why I get up in the morning. At first I said, "I don't know." Then, right away, I said, "No. You know what? It's those kids in Romania. It's those children who just need to be loved. It's the fact that for the first time in my entire life, I saw Christ within others." I had no idea that one child would change my life as radically as he did.
So, please pray that my mission gets approved by the board of directors and that I am able to fund raise enough to support myself in Romania. All I want to do is bring the love of Christ to these people and that's what I'm going to do. The people of Romania are why I can get myself out of bed every morning. They are the reason that I fight to survive every day.
Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam - All for the greater glory of God!
This is my mission statement:
"Evanghelizare prin Iubire’s main mission is to reach the youth of Romania through catechesis as well as witnessing to the love of Christ in everyday life. The scar of Communism still remains on the hearts of the people and the mission wants to bring healing and hope to the youth, for they are the future of their country. Pope Paul VI emphasized the importance of witnessing when he said, “Without repeating everything that we have already mentioned, it is appropriate first of all to emphasize the following point: for the Church, the first means of evangelization is the witness of an authentically Christian life, given over to God in a communion that nothing should destroy and at the same time given to one's neighbor with limitless zeal. As we said recently to a group of lay people, ‘Modern man listens more willingly to witnesses than to teachers, and if he does listen to teachers, it is because they are witnesses.’” –Evangelii Nuntiandi 41."
My mission statement has been sent to the board of directors of Missions of Hope and now I'm just waiting. The fact that I have been approved by Kevin is the answer to many, many prayers. For the last 6 months, I've prayed everyday that if it's the Lord's will for me to be a missionary in Romania, then let it be. Well, I'm one step closer to that. Once I get approval from the board, it's official. Then, I begin fundraising for my life as a missionary in Romania. I'm not sure at this point how long I'd stay. At this point, 6 months to a year is what it's looking like. But, like I've said, whatever God's will is. The only way this can happen is for God to move this all forward.
I've gotten a lot of opposition from people, including my family, but you know what? I'm doing what the Lord is calling me to do. I just want to restore hope to the people of Romania. I want to show them what Christ can do. Christ heals, Christ brings hope. Late last night, I had a heart-to-heart with my friend James. He knows about my past and he knows how broken of a person I am. He asked me why I get up in the morning. At first I said, "I don't know." Then, right away, I said, "No. You know what? It's those kids in Romania. It's those children who just need to be loved. It's the fact that for the first time in my entire life, I saw Christ within others." I had no idea that one child would change my life as radically as he did.
So, please pray that my mission gets approved by the board of directors and that I am able to fund raise enough to support myself in Romania. All I want to do is bring the love of Christ to these people and that's what I'm going to do. The people of Romania are why I can get myself out of bed every morning. They are the reason that I fight to survive every day.
Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam - All for the greater glory of God!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Shutting Down
Please, please just pray for my heart right now. Things are going downhill. I was a pall bearer at my grandma's funeral yesterday and I pray to God I never have to carry a casket again. It keeps just flashing through my head and it's screwing with my emotions.
My counselor is gone for a month. He wants me to see someone else while he's gone, but that's not happening. I'm beginning to emotionally shut down.
I know Fr. Rick and Fr. Brad are sick of me. I talked to Fr. Greg on the phone Friday night for the first time in 3 months and I can tell that he is too.
I'm beginning to isolate myself from everyone. It's only a matter of time until I become like a zombie. Just living, no emotions.
Oh, look. My life's going to hell again. Shocking.
My counselor is gone for a month. He wants me to see someone else while he's gone, but that's not happening. I'm beginning to emotionally shut down.
I know Fr. Rick and Fr. Brad are sick of me. I talked to Fr. Greg on the phone Friday night for the first time in 3 months and I can tell that he is too.
I'm beginning to isolate myself from everyone. It's only a matter of time until I become like a zombie. Just living, no emotions.
Oh, look. My life's going to hell again. Shocking.
Friday, October 7, 2011
A Beautiful Life Lost
I lost one of the most incredible women I've ever met in my entire life. I lost my grandma tonight. She was such a blessing to me.
When I was a junior and senior in high school, I began going to the grocery store every Sunday to buy her groceries and I was then blessed to get to spend time talking with her after. We'd talk about an hour and she'd tell me the best stories. She told me how she met my grandpa. She'd tell me about my dad when he was little. She'd tell me about how when I was still really little, my dad was always holding me and never seemed to put me down. She told me stories that made me really happy.
When I told her I wanted to be a theology major, she was one of my biggest supporters. She was so happy that I wanted to do youth ministry and share the love of God with others. She said I would be perfect to do that. When she had a stroke 2 years ago, I knew she'd never be the same. When I was still at Xavier, I'd go and visit her. Even though her short term memory was pretty much shot, she'd still tell me stories from when my dad, aunts, and uncles were younger. It made me so happy to see how much joy those stories brought to her.
I visited her twice after returning from my semester abroad in Austria before I had to come back to Steubenville for summer classes. I told her some of my stories from my 4 months in Europe and I told her that because of my time in Romania, I wanted to go back to Romania and do mission work. I've never seen her look happier. She probably didn't remember me telling her that, but to know that just for a moment she supported me in that, made me even more excited about it.
I will miss her greatly. She's the woman I got my name, my attitude, and my fighting spirit from.
Thanks, Grandma, for being such a beautiful example in my life. I love you and will always miss you.
When I was a junior and senior in high school, I began going to the grocery store every Sunday to buy her groceries and I was then blessed to get to spend time talking with her after. We'd talk about an hour and she'd tell me the best stories. She told me how she met my grandpa. She'd tell me about my dad when he was little. She'd tell me about how when I was still really little, my dad was always holding me and never seemed to put me down. She told me stories that made me really happy.
When I told her I wanted to be a theology major, she was one of my biggest supporters. She was so happy that I wanted to do youth ministry and share the love of God with others. She said I would be perfect to do that. When she had a stroke 2 years ago, I knew she'd never be the same. When I was still at Xavier, I'd go and visit her. Even though her short term memory was pretty much shot, she'd still tell me stories from when my dad, aunts, and uncles were younger. It made me so happy to see how much joy those stories brought to her.
I visited her twice after returning from my semester abroad in Austria before I had to come back to Steubenville for summer classes. I told her some of my stories from my 4 months in Europe and I told her that because of my time in Romania, I wanted to go back to Romania and do mission work. I've never seen her look happier. She probably didn't remember me telling her that, but to know that just for a moment she supported me in that, made me even more excited about it.
I will miss her greatly. She's the woman I got my name, my attitude, and my fighting spirit from.
Thanks, Grandma, for being such a beautiful example in my life. I love you and will always miss you.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Brokenness
I'm not going to lie...I'm getting really tired of being broken all the time. I know that as human beings, to some degree we're all broken, but I feel SO broken. Like, I can't really even explain it. Right now, with everything going on in my life right now, I kind of just want to curl up in a ball and just stay there. Right now, nothing's going right in my life and that's one of the shittiest feelings ever. School's kicking my butt, my grandmother is extremely ill and actually not expected to live to see the morning, and my depression is worse than it's been in a while. It's hard. I have to remember that feeling like this is physiological and not really my fault. It's hard sometimes to remember that. I feel like it is my fault. But it's not. I just have to keep telling myself that.
It's times like this that remind me of the conversation I had with Fr. Greg right before Christmas last year. For me, it was our most memorable conversation. He told me that he was amazed that I kept fighting for my life the way that I did. He said he was amazed that I hadn't given up on God. Right now is one of those times that I'm really tempted to give up on Him. I know I won't because He's the only thing that's ever remained constant in my life the last 5 1/2 years since my conversion, but still. The temptation is there. But, I know that if I do that, my life will go downhill and it'll only just be really bad.
I just don't really know what's going on with me right now. It's not like I want to kill myself. Trust me. I just want to take a break from life. I just can't handle all this crap right now. For the last 2 days, I've had to keep myself together when all I've wanted to do was cry. I've started shutting myself off to people, including my friends. Last night, I was actually up until 2:30am just crying. That was the first time I've ever cried myself to sleep. I said some completely genuine prayers to the Blessed Mother last night. I just begged and begged her to come and help me, for her to wrap me in her mantle and protect and comfort me like a mom does. Well, she came through for me like she always does.
Just pray for me and my heart. I'm hurting right now...a lot. I know I have many people in my life who are helping me be strong, like my friends Erinn and Maggie and my incredibly amazing roommate, Emily.
------------
I found this on the internet tonight. I know it wasn't by chance:
But maybe that’s the thing. Maybe we actually need to be broken down in order to realize our human weakness. Maybe we need to be broken down in order to realize that we can’t go through our trials alone, and that we will need Jesus along for the journey.
It's times like this that remind me of the conversation I had with Fr. Greg right before Christmas last year. For me, it was our most memorable conversation. He told me that he was amazed that I kept fighting for my life the way that I did. He said he was amazed that I hadn't given up on God. Right now is one of those times that I'm really tempted to give up on Him. I know I won't because He's the only thing that's ever remained constant in my life the last 5 1/2 years since my conversion, but still. The temptation is there. But, I know that if I do that, my life will go downhill and it'll only just be really bad.
I just don't really know what's going on with me right now. It's not like I want to kill myself. Trust me. I just want to take a break from life. I just can't handle all this crap right now. For the last 2 days, I've had to keep myself together when all I've wanted to do was cry. I've started shutting myself off to people, including my friends. Last night, I was actually up until 2:30am just crying. That was the first time I've ever cried myself to sleep. I said some completely genuine prayers to the Blessed Mother last night. I just begged and begged her to come and help me, for her to wrap me in her mantle and protect and comfort me like a mom does. Well, she came through for me like she always does.
Just pray for me and my heart. I'm hurting right now...a lot. I know I have many people in my life who are helping me be strong, like my friends Erinn and Maggie and my incredibly amazing roommate, Emily.
------------
I found this on the internet tonight. I know it wasn't by chance:
But maybe that’s the thing. Maybe we actually need to be broken down in order to realize our human weakness. Maybe we need to be broken down in order to realize that we can’t go through our trials alone, and that we will need Jesus along for the journey.
He speaks to us in our brokenness. He loves us in our brokenness, and invites us to take comfort in His warm embrace.
And in our brokenness, we somehow find the humility and the strength to run back to our Father and ask Him to heal and renew us.
It is in that brokenness that we discover His true, infinite, unconditional love for us.
It is in that brokenness that we acknowledge that we are His.
There are times when I feel weak. Discouraged. Disheartened. Alone.
But then I run to Him.
I realize the joy that comes from being broken.
| — | Dei Gratia |
Monday, October 3, 2011
Battle Scars
“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” -Kahil Gibran
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Why Do I Have To Be Strong?
I should be 8 weeks clean today, but no. I'm 3 days clean.
You have no idea how frustrating that is.
You have no idea how frustrating that is.
Why do I always have to be strong?
Can I please just have someone tell me it’s okay to screw up for once in my life and not tell me to be strong all the freakin time? People think I’m strong because I've dealt with this the last 3 years and I'm sill here and I still have my faith. I’m not. I’m weak. I give into the lies the devil feeds me. I was 53 days clean. I can't be strong anymore. I don't have any fight left in me.
I was talking to Fr. Brad about it last night. He said he knew I was headed back. He didn't tell me that, so I was really frustrated. If I'd known, I would've been ready to fight it more. Then he got kinda angry with me. Well, not really angry, but just frustrated (Story of my life. Priests frustrated with me? I can name 3 right off the bat who would love to smack me right now). He was very forceful with what he said and that kinda bothered me. I knew I'd screwed up and I feel like he was kicking me while I was already down. When I mess up nowadays, I don't need someone to give me the tough love. I used to need that, but now I know the consequences, etc. and it actually only makes things worse when someone gives me the tough love. I know it hurts people and all that stuff, but when the tough love comes out, I only start beating myself up worse, which I already do that enough. I'm harder on myself than most people when I screw up. When I mess up, I just need someone to tell me that it's okay and that they love me anyway.
So, what am I going to do now? I have no idea...
Monday, September 26, 2011
Where I'm At
Things have been going downhill a lot lately. SO much stress with school, plus I think that some of it is spiritual warfare coming as a result of my thesis topic: the Blessed Mother's role in spiritual warfare. Please, just pray for me. I relapsed the other night, so I'm trying to keep going, but it's hard. I basically fell flat on my face. It was a reminder that I can't do this without God.
Prayers would be EXTREMELY appreciated.
On a happier note, two years ago today, the Lord revealed to me that I had to make the hardest decision of my life. When I was in front of the Eucharist, I felt in my heart stronger than any words ever before, "If you don't leave Xavier, you're not going to live to see graduation." I had to make a huge decision. Was I going to stay at a college where I was unhappy because I was comfortable or was I going to leave everything behind and move 4 hours away and go to a school I didn't know much about except that it was super Catholic? Well 2 years later, I can tell you I made the right decision. Transferring to Franciscan University was the best decision I've ever made.
Prayers would be EXTREMELY appreciated.
On a happier note, two years ago today, the Lord revealed to me that I had to make the hardest decision of my life. When I was in front of the Eucharist, I felt in my heart stronger than any words ever before, "If you don't leave Xavier, you're not going to live to see graduation." I had to make a huge decision. Was I going to stay at a college where I was unhappy because I was comfortable or was I going to leave everything behind and move 4 hours away and go to a school I didn't know much about except that it was super Catholic? Well 2 years later, I can tell you I made the right decision. Transferring to Franciscan University was the best decision I've ever made.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
50 Days
50 days clean. Praise God! Yeah, I still struggle sometimes, but you know what I've come to realize: it's SO not worth it.
I officially have plans for fall break. My friends Erinn, Maura, Erinn's fiance Kevin, and I are going to Washington DC from October 28-November 1. I'm SO excited to spend 4 days with some of my incredible friends.
While there, I get to see my favorite priest in the entire world, the one and only Fr. Greg. I know I've talked about him on here a lot, but I'm completely serious when I say I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for him. No one could ever understand how much he has done for me. He's been the truest example of Christ in my life. He's put up with me and all my crap for almost 3 years now. He showed me the unconditional love of Christ. In those 3 years, when almost everyone else quit on me, he didn't. He loved me when I needed it most. He stuck by me when I felt like everyone else had left. Seeing how he is in DC and when I met him, I was a freshman at my other college in Cincinnati, the way we happened to meet was incredible. I know it was in God's will for him to come into my life when he did. God wasn't going to lose me, even though I wanted to quit. Honestly, I wasn't expecting to live to see 19 when I met Fr. Greg. Here I am, 21 years old, a senior in college, and wanting to devote my life to mission work. That's a HUGE change from when he first met me.
I never would have imagined when I left on that bus from Cincinnati to DC, I would come back changed and with a friendship that I've cherished and will cherish the rest of my life.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
A Purpose in Life
The last few days have been a little rough. Yesterday, I hit 6 weeks. I know I'm getting better because I'm going one week at a time, not just one day or one minute at a time. I met with Fr. Brad tonight for the first time since leaving Austria. He's back in Steubenville, which is great. He wanted to know how I was: no bullshit. I think Fr. Brad, Fr. Rick, and Fr. Greg can tell when I'm bullshitting them. They all know me well enough to be able to tell. So, I didn't bullshit him. I was honest with him. The guilt has been overwhelming lately, but it's only been the last week or so that I've even felt really guilty about all the cutting. After some discernment, we both figured out that the devil's angry that I'm beating him, so he's trying to make my life hard. We talked and he helped me realize how just talking to someone when I'm feeling like I want to cut helps tremendously. I actually had been struggling all evening, which is why at about 5pm, I called him asking if he could make time for me tonight. I went in feeling like I wanted to cut, but in talking to him, the urge went away.
In our talk tonight, we talked some about my 4 months in Austria. He was the one who saw the change in me the most in Austria. He said that I was the most hopeless person he'd ever seen in his 8 years of priesthood. That hit me hard, because I knew it was true...I went to Austria with no hope. He said I was one of his hardest cases, but, the Lord then blessed me beyond belief over there. I received the Baptism of the Holy Spirit and the gift of tongues. God came into my life deeper than ever before while I studied abroad. I was so blessed. After saying that I was one of the most hopeless people he's ever seen, Fr. Brad also said that I was one of the most blessed people he's ever seen. He saw my life radically change before his eyes. He knew that my friend Jose had to DRAG me to prayer group. He saw me the day I couldn't look anyone in the eye. I sat in his office for an hour looking at the floor. He knew there was expectant faith within my heart where the Lord would do INCREDIBLE things in my life. Fr. Brad saw the most radical transformation in my life happen right in front of his face. He saw me go from a hopeless cutter to a young woman of God who had more faith than ever before.
He also reminded me tonight of my purpose in life. He said that I must remember that it's when I forget my purpose in life, I start to slip. Well, he reminded me of the work I did in Romania with those absolutely beautiful children. He calls them "my babies" and every time I think about them, my heart hurts. I miss them so much! I received confirmation from the Lord last night that Romania is where I'm supposed to go. So, I trust that the Lord's going to make that happen. I also shared with Fr. Brad that my friends and I are going on a mission trip to Haiti over spring break. We're going to southern Haiti to work in a small village and orphanage. I can't wait! Again, he referred to them as "my babies" and that just brought me to tears. That's what I'm supposed to do with my life. I'm supposed to just love the babies that have been abandoned. After my trip to Romania, I had a purpose: to love like I've never loved before. This little 5-year-old boy completely changed my life forever, and actually probably saved my life. Even though we couldn't speak to one another, we were just able to love each other. Just looking at this picture of him brings tears to my eyes.
In our talk tonight, we talked some about my 4 months in Austria. He was the one who saw the change in me the most in Austria. He said that I was the most hopeless person he'd ever seen in his 8 years of priesthood. That hit me hard, because I knew it was true...I went to Austria with no hope. He said I was one of his hardest cases, but, the Lord then blessed me beyond belief over there. I received the Baptism of the Holy Spirit and the gift of tongues. God came into my life deeper than ever before while I studied abroad. I was so blessed. After saying that I was one of the most hopeless people he's ever seen, Fr. Brad also said that I was one of the most blessed people he's ever seen. He saw my life radically change before his eyes. He knew that my friend Jose had to DRAG me to prayer group. He saw me the day I couldn't look anyone in the eye. I sat in his office for an hour looking at the floor. He knew there was expectant faith within my heart where the Lord would do INCREDIBLE things in my life. Fr. Brad saw the most radical transformation in my life happen right in front of his face. He saw me go from a hopeless cutter to a young woman of God who had more faith than ever before.
He also reminded me tonight of my purpose in life. He said that I must remember that it's when I forget my purpose in life, I start to slip. Well, he reminded me of the work I did in Romania with those absolutely beautiful children. He calls them "my babies" and every time I think about them, my heart hurts. I miss them so much! I received confirmation from the Lord last night that Romania is where I'm supposed to go. So, I trust that the Lord's going to make that happen. I also shared with Fr. Brad that my friends and I are going on a mission trip to Haiti over spring break. We're going to southern Haiti to work in a small village and orphanage. I can't wait! Again, he referred to them as "my babies" and that just brought me to tears. That's what I'm supposed to do with my life. I'm supposed to just love the babies that have been abandoned. After my trip to Romania, I had a purpose: to love like I've never loved before. This little 5-year-old boy completely changed my life forever, and actually probably saved my life. Even though we couldn't speak to one another, we were just able to love each other. Just looking at this picture of him brings tears to my eyes.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Why - Nichole Nordeman
5 weeks clean today. 35 days...The changes in my life have been incredible.
I just heard this song for the first time. As I listened to it, my heart hurt and I felt like a ton of bricks hit me. The magnitude of what Jesus did hit me harder than ever before. Especially the last line. I was why He had to die. I was the one who nailed Him to that Cross. But as Fr. Greg tells me constantly, He knew what I was going to do and struggle with, but He died for me anyway. He'd rather die for me than live without me. It's all beyond what my tiny human brain can understand, but I'm thankful anyway.
Little girl : We rode into town the other day,
Just me and my daddy.
He said I’d finally reached that age,
And I could ride next to him on a horse
that of course was not quite as wide.
We heard a crowd of people shouting
And so we stopped to find out why
And there was that man that my dad said he loved,
But today there was fear in His eyes.
So I said, “Daddy, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is He dressed in that bright purple robe?
I’ll bet that crown hurts Him more than He shows.
Daddy, please can’t you do something?
He looks as though He’s gonna cry.
You said He was stronger than all of those guys.
Daddy, please tell me why.
Why does everyone want Him to die?”
Later that day, the sky grew cloudy,
And daddy said I should go inside.
Somehow he knew things would get stormy,
Boy, was he right, but I could not keep from wondering
If there was somethin he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out.
I was not afraid of getting lost,
So I followed the crowds
To a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from the cross
And it said, JESUS: ”Father, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for my robe?
This crown of thorns hurts me more than it shows.
Father, please can’t you do something?
I know that You must hear my cry.
I thought I could handle a cross of this size.
Father, remind me why.
Why does everyone want me to die?
O, when will I understand why?”
God: ”My precious Son, I hear them screaming.
I’m watching the face of the enemy beaming.
But soon I will cloth You in robes of my own.
Jesus, this hurts me much more than You know.
But this dark hour I must do nothing
Though I’ve heard Your unbearable cry.
The power in Your blood destroys all of the lies.
Soon You’ll see past their unmerciful eyes.
Look there below, see the child
Trembling by her father’s side.
Now I can tell You why;
She is why You must die.
I just heard this song for the first time. As I listened to it, my heart hurt and I felt like a ton of bricks hit me. The magnitude of what Jesus did hit me harder than ever before. Especially the last line. I was why He had to die. I was the one who nailed Him to that Cross. But as Fr. Greg tells me constantly, He knew what I was going to do and struggle with, but He died for me anyway. He'd rather die for me than live without me. It's all beyond what my tiny human brain can understand, but I'm thankful anyway.
Little girl : We rode into town the other day,
Just me and my daddy.
He said I’d finally reached that age,
And I could ride next to him on a horse
that of course was not quite as wide.
We heard a crowd of people shouting
And so we stopped to find out why
And there was that man that my dad said he loved,
But today there was fear in His eyes.
So I said, “Daddy, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is He dressed in that bright purple robe?
I’ll bet that crown hurts Him more than He shows.
Daddy, please can’t you do something?
He looks as though He’s gonna cry.
You said He was stronger than all of those guys.
Daddy, please tell me why.
Why does everyone want Him to die?”
Later that day, the sky grew cloudy,
And daddy said I should go inside.
Somehow he knew things would get stormy,
Boy, was he right, but I could not keep from wondering
If there was somethin he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out.
I was not afraid of getting lost,
So I followed the crowds
To a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from the cross
And it said, JESUS: ”Father, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for my robe?
This crown of thorns hurts me more than it shows.
Father, please can’t you do something?
I know that You must hear my cry.
I thought I could handle a cross of this size.
Father, remind me why.
Why does everyone want me to die?
O, when will I understand why?”
God: ”My precious Son, I hear them screaming.
I’m watching the face of the enemy beaming.
But soon I will cloth You in robes of my own.
Jesus, this hurts me much more than You know.
But this dark hour I must do nothing
Though I’ve heard Your unbearable cry.
The power in Your blood destroys all of the lies.
Soon You’ll see past their unmerciful eyes.
Look there below, see the child
Trembling by her father’s side.
Now I can tell You why;
She is why You must die.
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