A Purpose in Life

The last few days have been a little rough. Yesterday, I hit 6 weeks. I know I'm getting better because I'm going one week at a time, not just one day or one minute at a time. I met with Fr. Brad tonight for the first time since leaving Austria. He's back in Steubenville, which is great. He wanted to know how I was: no bullshit. I think Fr. Brad, Fr. Rick, and Fr. Greg can tell when I'm bullshitting them. They all know me well enough to be able to tell. So, I didn't bullshit him. I was honest with him. The guilt has been overwhelming lately, but it's only been the last week or so that I've even felt really guilty about all the cutting. After some discernment, we both figured out that the devil's angry that I'm beating him, so he's trying to make my life hard. We talked and he helped me realize how just talking to someone when I'm feeling like I want to cut helps tremendously. I actually had been struggling all evening, which is why at about 5pm, I called him asking if he could make time for me tonight. I went in feeling like I wanted to cut, but in talking to him, the urge went away.

In our talk tonight, we talked some about my 4 months in Austria. He was the one who saw the change in me the most in Austria. He said that I was the most hopeless person he'd ever seen in his 8 years of priesthood. That hit me hard, because I knew it was true...I went to Austria with no hope. He said I was one of his hardest cases, but, the Lord then blessed me beyond belief over there. I received the Baptism of the Holy Spirit and the gift of tongues. God came into my life deeper than ever before while I studied abroad. I was so blessed. After saying that I was one of the most hopeless people he's ever seen, Fr. Brad also said that I was one of the most blessed people he's ever seen. He saw my life radically change before his eyes. He knew that my friend Jose had to DRAG me to prayer group. He saw me the day I couldn't look anyone in the eye. I sat in his office for an hour looking at the floor. He knew there was expectant faith within my heart where the Lord would do INCREDIBLE things in my life. Fr. Brad saw the most radical transformation in my life happen right in front of his face. He saw me go from a hopeless cutter to a young woman of God who had more faith than ever before.

He also reminded me tonight of my purpose in life. He said that I must remember that it's when I forget my purpose in life, I start to slip. Well, he reminded me of the work I did in Romania with those absolutely beautiful children. He calls them "my babies" and every time I think about them, my heart hurts. I miss them so much! I received confirmation from the Lord last night that Romania is where I'm supposed to go. So, I trust that the Lord's going to make that happen. I also shared with Fr. Brad that my friends and I are going on a mission trip to Haiti over spring break. We're going to southern Haiti to work in a small village and orphanage. I can't wait! Again, he referred to them as "my babies" and that just brought me to tears. That's what I'm supposed to do with my life. I'm supposed to just love the babies that have been abandoned. After my trip to Romania, I had a purpose: to love like I've never loved before. This little 5-year-old boy completely changed my life forever, and actually probably saved my life. Even though we couldn't speak to one another, we were just able to love each other. Just looking at this picture of him brings tears to my eyes.