You have no idea how frustrating that is.
Why do I always have to be strong?
Can I please just have someone tell me it’s okay to screw up for once in my life and not tell me to be strong all the freakin time? People think I’m strong because I've dealt with this the last 3 years and I'm sill here and I still have my faith. I’m not. I’m weak. I give into the lies the devil feeds me. I was 53 days clean. I can't be strong anymore. I don't have any fight left in me.
I was talking to Fr. Brad about it last night. He said he knew I was headed back. He didn't tell me that, so I was really frustrated. If I'd known, I would've been ready to fight it more. Then he got kinda angry with me. Well, not really angry, but just frustrated (Story of my life. Priests frustrated with me? I can name 3 right off the bat who would love to smack me right now). He was very forceful with what he said and that kinda bothered me. I knew I'd screwed up and I feel like he was kicking me while I was already down. When I mess up nowadays, I don't need someone to give me the tough love. I used to need that, but now I know the consequences, etc. and it actually only makes things worse when someone gives me the tough love. I know it hurts people and all that stuff, but when the tough love comes out, I only start beating myself up worse, which I already do that enough. I'm harder on myself than most people when I screw up. When I mess up, I just need someone to tell me that it's okay and that they love me anyway.
So, what am I going to do now? I have no idea...
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