I received PHENOMENAL news yesterday: as long as I can fundraise enough, I'm going to Romania as a missionary after graduation! I'm so excited about that, but also nervous. I'm afraid I won't be able to raise enough money to be able to live over there for a while. I guess I'll just have to trust that the Lord will provide.
But, I'm feeling kinda down. Some shit went on last week and I relapsed. I would have been 4 weeks clean that day, but no...I had to go mess it up. I slashed up my legs pretty good. I was in so much pain that night I didn't sleep and then all that next day, I could barely walk. People can't see my upper legs. If they could, they'd be HORRIFIED. I'm at the point where I really just don't want to keep trying to stop anymore. When things start to be okay, I just give in. I don't even have any fight left in me. I get an impulse and I just do it. It's so frustrating. Like right now, I want to do it. It's all for a really stupid reason, but I do. I'm starting to withdraw myself from everything. I don't hang out with my friends much anymore. I just go to class and then go back to my house off campus. I haven't talked to Fr. Rick in forever. I texted him the other day telling him I was done and that I was sorry I'd wasted so much of his time over the last almost 2 years. I saw him once in the student center and he patted my head as he walked by and I gave him a half-ass smile. I know he knew that's when I meant what I said. He looked kinda sad. I haven't talked to Fr. Greg since I saw him and I'm not in the mood to deal with it. My counselor's back and he sent me an e-mail letting me know he was back. I responded telling him that I couldn't do the whole counseling thing right now. I'm just too emotionally fucked up right now. Right now, it's not gonna help. I just can't right now. I'm too emotionally shut off.
God, why does this always happen? It's so fucking screwed up. I've realized that the fake face I put on works pretty damn good. I know a Benedictine monk in DC and I saw him when we were there for fall break. He said that I just radiate joy. That's the moment I realized how good my facade really is. I'm good enough to cut myself and instantly pull myself back together and put a fake smile on.
I just want to be okay. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I haven't gone to daily Mass in forever. This is the problem: I've shut off from God. I don't want to pray. It's all just weird. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling at all. That's one reason I cut.
You can tell me all you want that I'm beautiful and loved, but it's not gonna change my thinking. In my 21 years of life, I've never TRULY believed it. Nothing's gonna change it now...
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