I'm not going to lie...I'm getting really tired of being broken all the time. I know that as human beings, to some degree we're all broken, but I feel SO broken. Like, I can't really even explain it. Right now, with everything going on in my life right now, I kind of just want to curl up in a ball and just stay there. Right now, nothing's going right in my life and that's one of the shittiest feelings ever. School's kicking my butt, my grandmother is extremely ill and actually not expected to live to see the morning, and my depression is worse than it's been in a while. It's hard. I have to remember that feeling like this is physiological and not really my fault. It's hard sometimes to remember that. I feel like it is my fault. But it's not. I just have to keep telling myself that.
It's times like this that remind me of the conversation I had with Fr. Greg right before Christmas last year. For me, it was our most memorable conversation. He told me that he was amazed that I kept fighting for my life the way that I did. He said he was amazed that I hadn't given up on God. Right now is one of those times that I'm really tempted to give up on Him. I know I won't because He's the only thing that's ever remained constant in my life the last 5 1/2 years since my conversion, but still. The temptation is there. But, I know that if I do that, my life will go downhill and it'll only just be really bad.
I just don't really know what's going on with me right now. It's not like I want to kill myself. Trust me. I just want to take a break from life. I just can't handle all this crap right now. For the last 2 days, I've had to keep myself together when all I've wanted to do was cry. I've started shutting myself off to people, including my friends. Last night, I was actually up until 2:30am just crying. That was the first time I've ever cried myself to sleep. I said some completely genuine prayers to the Blessed Mother last night. I just begged and begged her to come and help me, for her to wrap me in her mantle and protect and comfort me like a mom does. Well, she came through for me like she always does.
Just pray for me and my heart. I'm hurting right now...a lot. I know I have many people in my life who are helping me be strong, like my friends Erinn and Maggie and my incredibly amazing roommate, Emily.
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I found this on the internet tonight. I know it wasn't by chance:
But maybe that’s the thing. Maybe we actually need to be broken down in order to realize our human weakness. Maybe we need to be broken down in order to realize that we can’t go through our trials alone, and that we will need Jesus along for the journey.
It's times like this that remind me of the conversation I had with Fr. Greg right before Christmas last year. For me, it was our most memorable conversation. He told me that he was amazed that I kept fighting for my life the way that I did. He said he was amazed that I hadn't given up on God. Right now is one of those times that I'm really tempted to give up on Him. I know I won't because He's the only thing that's ever remained constant in my life the last 5 1/2 years since my conversion, but still. The temptation is there. But, I know that if I do that, my life will go downhill and it'll only just be really bad.
I just don't really know what's going on with me right now. It's not like I want to kill myself. Trust me. I just want to take a break from life. I just can't handle all this crap right now. For the last 2 days, I've had to keep myself together when all I've wanted to do was cry. I've started shutting myself off to people, including my friends. Last night, I was actually up until 2:30am just crying. That was the first time I've ever cried myself to sleep. I said some completely genuine prayers to the Blessed Mother last night. I just begged and begged her to come and help me, for her to wrap me in her mantle and protect and comfort me like a mom does. Well, she came through for me like she always does.
Just pray for me and my heart. I'm hurting right now...a lot. I know I have many people in my life who are helping me be strong, like my friends Erinn and Maggie and my incredibly amazing roommate, Emily.
------------
I found this on the internet tonight. I know it wasn't by chance:
But maybe that’s the thing. Maybe we actually need to be broken down in order to realize our human weakness. Maybe we need to be broken down in order to realize that we can’t go through our trials alone, and that we will need Jesus along for the journey.
He speaks to us in our brokenness. He loves us in our brokenness, and invites us to take comfort in His warm embrace.
And in our brokenness, we somehow find the humility and the strength to run back to our Father and ask Him to heal and renew us.
It is in that brokenness that we discover His true, infinite, unconditional love for us.
It is in that brokenness that we acknowledge that we are His.
There are times when I feel weak. Discouraged. Disheartened. Alone.
But then I run to Him.
I realize the joy that comes from being broken.
| — | Dei Gratia |
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