Fixing My Life

"You don't have to fix your life for me. I die a little every time that you leave, so come home." That's part of Meredith Andrews' song "Come Home."

I feel like I have to fix my life to be able to be true friends with people or come to the Lord. I know that the Lord wants me to take my shattered little heart and let Him fix it, but I feel like I have to at least get part of my shit together before I can REALLY do that. I'm tired of going to the Lord with my heart in a million little pieces. I've given Him that countless times. He always gives me a new one, but I ALWAYS mess that up and it gets shattered again.

I'm just a really broken person right now. Just looking for healing, somewhere. I'm trying SO hard to find it. I feel like I'm unlovable because I'm such a freakin' mess. Fr. Greg told me last night that he's not giving up on me, but I'm starting to wish he would. That would make it easier to give up. I'm sick of being strong. People have no idea what's going on in my life or my heart. I don't talk about it because it only triggers stuff. In talking to Fr. Brad about stuff yesterday afternoon, I left wanting to drag the blade from my wrist to my elbow. It's sick.

Fr. Brad and Joe keep telling me that I have to change my thinking. I know that, trust me. But for the last 21 years, all that's ever been pounded into my head is that I'm not good enough and I'm not really all that important. It's not going to be an instantaneous change. Joe, as a counselor, understands that. He told me that this is probably going to be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do. I had to really emphasize that to Fr. Brad yesterday. He seems to think that 21 years of thinking can be changed instantaneously, which is oh, so wrong.

They want me to change my thinking by thinking truth when I begin to think lies. Well, that's never worked before. I tell myself those "truths" and just end up thinking that it's complete bullshit. It's not gonna happen.

I've got it hidden so well. If I don't let anybody see it, they won't know. The way to know how I'm really feeling, look at my face when I think no one's looking. That's the only time anyone would know. I act like I've got it all together, when in fact, I'm SO close to cracking once and for all. I don't know what else to do.

I feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time: Fr. Greg, Fr. Brad, Joe, God...everyone. I feel like a waste of space and that if I was gone, it really wouldn't be that big of a deal (I'm not going to do anything, so don't worry about it).

One thing I hate is that no where feels like home. Not Cincinnati, not Steubenville. Only Austria felt like home. I'm PRAYING that when I go to Romania (hopefully in September 2012) that I can finally feel like somewhere is home. It's frustrating as hell.

So, I'm still lost, trying to find my way, wanting to feel loved. How could someone really love the broken, scarred up mess that is Catherine? That's what I keep asking myself.

Lord, I need You to bust into my life. Please, I'm begging You. Bring peace to my mind and my heart.