On My Own

"For the battle is not yours, but God's" -2 Chronicles 20:15

There's a song by Ashes Remain called On My Own about how we, as humans, are not meant to fight the battle alone. We need God. The chorus says, "Bring me out, comes and find me in the dark now. I don't wanna fight alone anymore. Bring me out from the prison of my own pride. My God, I need a hope I can't deny. In the end I'm realizing, I was never meant to fight on my own." I don't want to fight on my own, but I don't want anyone involved except Joe and God.

As time goes, on, I'm realizing that I can't do this on my own. In the last 2 days, I've cut twice. I went to Confession today and it started to help. What Fr. Dan said was simple, but deep, and helped a lot. The only problem is that I've really shut off to people. I saw Fr. Rick yesterday and he said that he noticed how well I hide stuff. He said that when he sees me, I look happy, but then I talk to him in Confession or just one-on-one, he can see my brokenness.

I talked to Fr. Greg on the phone Tuesday night and I came to a realization. I feel like I don't matter. The good things in my life, like studying abroad, having a paper published, or raising all this money for starving kids, don't matter to me. I don't think they're a big deal, but to other people, they are. Fr. Greg told me that the fact that I'm graduating college even though I've been through all this shit really impresses him. Again to me, that doesn't matter. I don't know...I feel like if I wasn't here, it wouldn't really matter.

In talking to my counselor, he reminded me that cutting's a symptom of the depression. He and I actually don't talk about cutting that often. It's always about the other stuff. It's not because the cutting doesn't matter. It's because it's a symptom.

I just feel bad because I'm not talking to people. I told Fr. Rick and Fr. Brad that I didn't want to talk to them anymore. I'm not going to talk to people about it anymore. Joe's the only one I'm going to talk to about it. I'm sick of talking about it. I sound like a freakin' broken record. I told Fr. Greg that I'm not going to talk to him about it anymore.

I don't know. That's all I can say. I don't really know what's going on, but I just need to be. I am the way that I am. I've shut off and it is what it is...

Last week in prayer, the Lord put on my heart that things were going to get worse...a lot worse, but through that, I would draw closer to Him and He would bring me out in time for me to go back to Romania. I didn't really expect things to get this bad this quick, but it's God's will.

I just keep going back and forth. I want to keep fighting and then I also want to quit. I want to be happy, but then the depression just takes over. I don't know. Hopefully it'll eventually change.

AHH!! I JUST WANT TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER ONCE AND FOR ALL!!