Inner Strength

Home hasn't been nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I finally got it across to my parents that I'm serious about my mission work and that them making it out to be a joke really hurt me. So, they've finally stopped criticizing me and I'm going to Haiti in March and then Romania in September.

Something that's been bugging me this last week though is something that happened last week right before I came home. Last Monday night, with the stress of finals hitting the high point with sleep deprivation as well as the depression, I cut. I made a 7 inch cut from right below my "Love" tattoo almost to my elbow. It's healed now, but has left a nasty, nasty scar that if I'd known that was gonna happen, there's no way in hell I ever would've done it. It's a scar that's very obvious (part of it's because it's still pretty fresh. It'll fade more with time, but probably never go completely away) and long. I think I've only ever once posted a picture of a cut or scar, but I'm going to post one of this one because it'll show you what I mean...

It's made me think about all of this stuff. How much this has controlled my life. My life's consumed by hiding it. I know I'm strong (that's finally gotten through my thick skull) and these scars are my battle wounds. I've survived a lot of shit, but I'm still here and I'm still fighting. I don't cut nearly as often as I used to. It tends to be about once a month. I don't think about killing myself anymore (thank God). I've got a purpose in life. I'm not trying to be conceited here, but if after all the shit I've gone through I'm still here, God instilled a HUGE amount of strength in me, through Christ (Philippians 4:13). It kinda goes back to that conversation I had with Fr. Greg right before Christmas last year about how he has a lot of respect for me because I keep fighting. He's right. I could have given up a long time ago, but I didn't. I kept persevering when I thought I couldn't. So, here I am. A fighter with all her strength coming from the Lord. I'm fighting the good fight of faith (there's a reason that's the tattoo on my right arm).

"I have fought the good fight. I have run the race. I have kept the faith." -2 Timothy 4:7

I'm not sure if I'll post again before Christmas, but if not, I wish you and your family the most blessed Christmas. The God of the universe humbled Himself became one of us...crazy, huh?