Like A Losing Battle

A friend wrote this on her blog and I cannot even explain how true this is: "I'm fed up of fighting all this on my own. Feels like a losing battle against my own head."


Here's what sucks about it all: the battle she and I are fighting is one that we have to do on our own. Yeah, we can have people there by our sides to support and encourage us, but in the end, when we're alone late at night, we are the ones who have to fight all the horrible thoughts. And that fight SUCKS. It's emotionally and sometimes physically draining. 


I can't even tell you how many times I have said to Fr. Greg that when this crap goes on, there is no escape. It's not like I can just leave Steubenville for a couple hours and then come back and it all be fine. No matter where I am, those thoughts are there. Here, home, I had them in Haiti, when I was studying in Austria, always. They are always there. And it is so hard. SO hard. 


I can't ever seem to find peace. I don't ever sleep very well. Even in Mass or in front of the Blessed Sacrament, there is no peace. There are nights that I'm laying in bed with tears streaming down my face and I'm begging God, from the absolute depth of my soul, for Him to bring me some kind of peace.


I know God has a reason for all of this. Maybe one day I'll know, maybe I won't know until I get to ask God face to face. All I know is that I want to live for Him and His glory.


Still cut-free. 122 days.