A Different Person

I just finished reading my blog all the way through from the very beginning. Holy shit. I am a completely different person than I used to be and thank God for that. I hate the person I used to be. The person that I was when I first started college...I don't even know who that person was. She was crazy and I honestly say that I hate who I used to be. I am who I am and the only person I care what they think of me is the Lord. I live my life for His glory and for no one else.

As I was reading through it, some of the blog posts, I can almost put myself in the exact spot I was when I was writing them, whether it was at Xavier in my dorm room, or at home after I had ankle surgery, or at Franciscan, or even studying in Austria. And with being able to do that, I was also able to remember exactly how I felt at that moment. It was weird. I know this sounds really messed up, but part of me misses when I was cutting. I became comfortable in my addiction. That's why it was so hard for me to stop. Part of me misses the crippling depression. As much as I hated the feeling, I became used to it.

I am still afraid to tell myself I'm happy. I'm afraid that it will all be stripped away as soon as I do. I love what I do, but life as a missionary isn't perfect. I promise you that. I have struggled with prayer IMMENSELY since being here. We can thank the enemy for that one, but he can F off because the battle's already been won. My chains are gone and I'm never taking them back.

I'm taking a vacation from mission work and going to visit Franciscan's Austrian campus next week for Thanksgiving. I'm really looking forward to being with some Americans and to visit the place where my life was changed forever :)