I swear to you, if another person tells me that I shouldn't feel the way I do because nothing super devastating has ever really happened in my life, I’m going to shake them so hard that their brain is liquid by the time I’m done.
I’m sorry that I have depression that’s based on my brain chemistry (It's genetic. My mom and brother both have depression) and is then affected by life events. I've dealt with it for 9 years and never have had any real relief from it. No medication has helped. Ever. And it’s taken 5 different counselors for me to find one I like and for him to actually be able to help me.
I may have a theology degree from Franciscan, but my life is far from fucking perfect and my relationship with God isn't any good. Life is not all fine and dandy just because I go here. In fact, it’s harder because instead of getting shitfaced drunk all the time like I was at Xavier, I’m dealing with my shit the right way.
I’m sorry that you think that you think the fact that I cut myself for 3 1/2 years was me being over dramatic. Until the day you put a blade to your skin and make yourself bleed to make the emotional pain go away, don’t even begin to fucking judge me. You have no idea how much pain you have to be in to do that to yourself. And I’m not talking just once. I’m talking multiple times a day for years. And even though I haven’t cut in 223 days, I still have the urge to cut. EVERY.SINGLE.FUCKING.DAY! You think that’s me being over dramatic? Do you realize that if I wrote down for you what goes through my head every night, you’d be horrified? Do you realize that I think I am a complete piece of shit and that no one can ever actually love me? Do you realize that I believe I am a total failure of a human being?
Do you REALLY think I want to be like this? I would do anything to get the tiniest bit of relief from this darkness that’s hung over me for the last 9 years. I don’t even know what being happy means anymore.
Spend one night in my head and you’d crack. I’ve been doing it for 9 years. Don’t tell me I’m weak. Don’t you even start to judge me. Fuck off.
The end.
Hugs. Whoever said that (I've been on the receiving end too before) needs to go shag themselves with a pineapple and a cactus simultaneously. I can help them. Honest :)
ReplyDeleteYou are doing great. So proud of you. None of this is your fault - you are right, it is Chemistry. Otherwise why would some soldiers get PTSD and others not? Are the ones that do any weaker?!
Keep plugging on - you have so many people who do love and support you. Ignore the fuckwits as best you can and look forward to ROMANIA!
Ann
Let me just preface this by saying obviously I do not know you, nor am I a certified counselor of any sort-- but has any of your counselors ever suggested you may have Borderline Personality Disorder? Maybe they've brought it up, and you recognized it as a diagnoses that didn't fit. I wouldn't know that, so I don't mean to bring something up that you know isn't you.
ReplyDeleteBut in case you aren't aware, BPD is characterized by chronic feelings of emptiness, inability to deal with real or perceived abandonment, impulsivity (such as substance abuse, binge eating, etc), emotional instability (you can feel awesome one moment, and drop to feeling like shit the next), and perceptions of being unloveable, among other symptoms.
There are two hallmarks of BPD: 1 is black & white thinking--for example, you can idealize someone and think they're the greatest person ever. But if they do something that upsets you, suddenly they're a horrible person, and you hate them. There is no inbetween. It's Absolute Good/Love vs Absolute Evil/Hate. But even after you hate them, you can go right back to glorifying them, just in an instant. I would say, especially if you do NOT think in this love-hate mentality, that is almost a sure sign you do NOT have BPD; it is rarely diagnosed without the black & white thinking. The other hallmark is 2) self-injury. Majority of people with BPD self-injure, and self harm is actually one of the diagnostic criteria. That being said, you obviously don't have to match each and every criteria, just enough to confirm.
If any of this sounds like it might fit, I'd suggest researching and bringing it up with a professional who can diagnose you. If not, or if you've already considered and realized it's not you, sorry for the long post, please just ignore :P
I don't think in black an white like that and I don't have BPD. I have depressive bipolar disorder accompanied by anxiety. All thanks to my genetics.
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