All that is running through my head is that I deserve every cut I've ever made and that I deserve more. Part of me just longs for the feeling of the blade running across my skin. I know that sounds sick, and it is, but if you ask any self-injurer, that feeling is indescribable. I don't want to talk to anyone, which is why I guess I'm spilling my guts on here.
I was fine yesterday. I had a decent day. Most of today was fine. Then, something made me want to cut. I still have blades from when I was cutting last semester, and tonight was the first time I've touched them since December 12. I dug into the box where the package is, pulled one out, and just looked at it. Then through my head ran all the times I've ever cut. It was weird. And I wanted to pick that blade up. I wanted to make myself bleed. And, well, to be completely honest, I still do. I texted Fr. Greg to let him know I was struggling, but I'm not sure I'll get a response.
When I started this post I had planned on writing down everything that was going through my head. Now I can't even put all that crap into words. This is all I can get out right now. Sorry it's so jumbled.
I guess we'll see what happens...Either I'll beat day 121 or tomorrow will end up being day 0...
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