I was thinking last night about something Fr. Greg said to me on the phone last week. He said, "You could've given up on God but you haven't." I was thinking about it and I was wondering how in the world I still have my faith after 2 years of being an addict and all the shit that seems to happen to me. When Kim Walker sings the song "How He Loves" she says something in the middle of the live performance. She says,"The love of God changes us and we're never the same. We're never the same after we encounter the love of God." I completely agree with that. When I was 15 and God busted into my life and completely turned everything upside down, I was never the same person ever again. From then on, I lived my life for Christ. For 3 years, I was in what St. John of the Cross called a "dark night of the soul" which can basically be described as spiritual dryness. All through that time, I longed for God. I would cry because I wanted to know God was around me. God did something in me that cold night in March 2006. He changed my heart forever. He knew I was going to go though all this shit in college, so sometime before I started college, He gave me some sort of grace to not quit on Him. I didn't really realize that until Fr. Greg brought it up. God put such a yearning in my soul for Him that I up and left everything I knew to go to a school 4 hours from home where I had 2 acquaintances. I knew that going to Franciscan was the only way I could ever try to fix my relationship with God. Franciscan soon became home and my friends quickly became family. Over the last year, God has consistently done amazing things to help me and it's all by His grace I'm still here and haven't given up on Him. I haven't given up on God and He hasn't given up on me. I'm living my life Ad Majorem Dei gloraim (For the greater glory of God).
"We are not defeated unless we give up on God." -Ronald Reagan
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
"Come Home" - Luminate
You’re best friends with the word “regret”
And you’re afraid that your life’s been wasted
So why hope if it’s only gonna let you down?
You don’t think people really change
And you’re a mess and you’ll always be the same
And you doubt if you’ll ever get it turned around
And you’re afraid that your life’s been wasted
So why hope if it’s only gonna let you down?
You don’t think people really change
And you’re a mess and you’ll always be the same
And you doubt if you’ll ever get it turned around
So you’ve been running, searching for something
But you’re looking in a place you don’t belong
But it’s never too late, you can’t outrun grace
No, mercy doesn’t care what you’ve done
So come home. So come home
But you’re looking in a place you don’t belong
But it’s never too late, you can’t outrun grace
No, mercy doesn’t care what you’ve done
So come home. So come home
You can try and fix your broken empire
And put bricks on a cracked foundation
But you’d be building castles on the sand
There’s power in the Blood of Jesus
And your Father’s screaming , "Just come home”
And He’s reaching out His hand
And put bricks on a cracked foundation
But you’d be building castles on the sand
There’s power in the Blood of Jesus
And your Father’s screaming , "Just come home”
And He’s reaching out His hand
I know you’ve been running, searching for something
But you’re looking in a place you don’t belong
But it’s never too late, you can’t outrun grace
No, mercy doesn’t care what you’ve done
So come home. So come home.
But you’re looking in a place you don’t belong
But it’s never too late, you can’t outrun grace
No, mercy doesn’t care what you’ve done
So come home. So come home.
From the shadows, from the wrong roads,
From the darkness, from the unknown,
To redemption, something beautiful,
To a new love, to a new home.
From the darkness, from the unknown,
To redemption, something beautiful,
To a new love, to a new home.
I know you’ve been running, searching for something
But you’re looking in a place you don’t belong
But it’s never too late, you can’t outrun grace
No, mercy doesn’t care what you’ve done
So come home. So come home.
But you’re looking in a place you don’t belong
But it’s never too late, you can’t outrun grace
No, mercy doesn’t care what you’ve done
So come home. So come home.
Friday, December 24, 2010
"I'm Amazed At How You Keep Fighting"
Last night, I had quite the talk on the phone with Fr. Greg. We talked for an hour and a half and it was actually really incredible (not that any of our conversations aren't awesome). It started out with me ranting for like 20 minutes, just letting him know EVERYTHING: the crap here at home, the stuff at my parish, etc. It was nice just to have someone listen. He didn't say a word, which was kinda what I needed. I have this thing where I just internalize things, so then they sit inside and just eat at me. He was like "First of all, I'm really sorry about the priest at your church. That's gotta suck. But, I have to ask you something I've only asked you once before. Do you want to live?" I was silent for a minute and with brutal honestly said, "Not at this point. The only thing keeping me going is the fact that Austria is 3 weeks away." I could tell in his voice that I'd broken his heart. We talked some more and then he said, "I think I finally know where to start with all this stuff. You have issues receiving love, don't you?" I told him that yes, I definitely do. He then expanded on that and we figured some more stuff out.
I was in my car for like 45 minutes when I started to drive home. Right as I pulled into my driveway, he said, "Catherine. You have no idea how much I respect you. You've been dealing with this shit for over 2 years now and you're still here. You're constantly turning to God and I'm absolutely amazed at how you keep fighting. I have more respect for you than you'll ever understand. I respect you more than anyone I know. When you reach out to me for help, you're reaching out to Christ. Catherine, that's incredible. I wish the students here would reach out to me like you do. But most people don't want to get messy. You're willing to get messy because you know that's what you gotta do." I know every word he said to me was genuine. I can tell when people try to bullshit me. He definitely was genuine. So, I started crying. No one had ever told me that before and it opened my eyes. People have let me down over and over and over again. I know that the only person I can count on to NEVER let me down in God. We also talked about how in the Gospels, Jesus hangs out with sinners...like me. Jesus did the messy stuff and I keep dealing with the messy stuff, therefore, Christ is right there with me. It's hard for me to put it in exact words because he said it way better than I ever could. Trust me, it changed my perspective on God a lot, which is crazy. I've never had anyone really explain God to me like that. Now that he did, I realize that God really does love me. Fr. Greg also explained to me why he's never going to quit on me and he's never going to leave. Now, I know for sure that he's not going to quit on me.
We also talked about the religious pride at Franciscan. Oh man, there are definitely some totally fake people there. There are also some extremely legit people. He was saying how the person from there he knows (besides me. lol) is full of religious pride and doesn't dig down deep and get dirty. He said that I amaze him because I do. I'm constantly struggling, but turn to God in that struggle. I explained to Fr. Greg that God's pretty much the only option I've got left because nothing else has worked. He said it's amazing though that I constantly reach out to God because I could have quit on God a long time ago. He said that I could have quit on life a long time ago, but here I am, still fighting for my life. He said he thought that was incredible.
One thing he said to me that hit me really hard was that in the text I sent him 2 nights ago saying that he didn't have to deal with me anymore, he got pretty scared and thought that might be the end of me. I told him that I thought it might have been. He said he was so relieved to get a text from me yesterday afternoon. He knew I was still alive. I told him that God wouldn't let me cut more than I did. I could have done way more damage than I did. I also told him that it's only by the grace of God I'm alive at all. If God wasn't constantly working in my life, keeping me going, I wouldn't be here. I can say that with 100% confidence. Fr. Greg asked me to hang on for the next 3 weeks until I leave for Austria, and I promised him I would do my best.
So, this definitely isn't all we talked about, but it was a really fruitful conversation, as it almost always is. I praise the Lord for Fr. Greg. He doesn't know this, but I would've killed myself a long time ago if God hadn't brought him into my life.
With the whole suicide thoughts thing, I know they are there and they definitely sound more serious than they are. I know that suicide thoughts are very serious and cannot be taken lightly. They are there and sometimes I want to go through with it, but I don't have a plan and I'm NOT going to do it. I am going to the doctor next week to hopefully get those taken care of. I think it's one of the medications I'm on. Fr. Greg has been one of the main reasons I've held on. I wouldn't want him to find out that I'd done something stupid through Facebook or a random phone call. I would never want him to think that all he did for me wasn't enough. It's kept me alive for the past 2 years because of how much God works through him.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." -Maria Robinson
I was in my car for like 45 minutes when I started to drive home. Right as I pulled into my driveway, he said, "Catherine. You have no idea how much I respect you. You've been dealing with this shit for over 2 years now and you're still here. You're constantly turning to God and I'm absolutely amazed at how you keep fighting. I have more respect for you than you'll ever understand. I respect you more than anyone I know. When you reach out to me for help, you're reaching out to Christ. Catherine, that's incredible. I wish the students here would reach out to me like you do. But most people don't want to get messy. You're willing to get messy because you know that's what you gotta do." I know every word he said to me was genuine. I can tell when people try to bullshit me. He definitely was genuine. So, I started crying. No one had ever told me that before and it opened my eyes. People have let me down over and over and over again. I know that the only person I can count on to NEVER let me down in God. We also talked about how in the Gospels, Jesus hangs out with sinners...like me. Jesus did the messy stuff and I keep dealing with the messy stuff, therefore, Christ is right there with me. It's hard for me to put it in exact words because he said it way better than I ever could. Trust me, it changed my perspective on God a lot, which is crazy. I've never had anyone really explain God to me like that. Now that he did, I realize that God really does love me. Fr. Greg also explained to me why he's never going to quit on me and he's never going to leave. Now, I know for sure that he's not going to quit on me.
We also talked about the religious pride at Franciscan. Oh man, there are definitely some totally fake people there. There are also some extremely legit people. He was saying how the person from there he knows (besides me. lol) is full of religious pride and doesn't dig down deep and get dirty. He said that I amaze him because I do. I'm constantly struggling, but turn to God in that struggle. I explained to Fr. Greg that God's pretty much the only option I've got left because nothing else has worked. He said it's amazing though that I constantly reach out to God because I could have quit on God a long time ago. He said that I could have quit on life a long time ago, but here I am, still fighting for my life. He said he thought that was incredible.
One thing he said to me that hit me really hard was that in the text I sent him 2 nights ago saying that he didn't have to deal with me anymore, he got pretty scared and thought that might be the end of me. I told him that I thought it might have been. He said he was so relieved to get a text from me yesterday afternoon. He knew I was still alive. I told him that God wouldn't let me cut more than I did. I could have done way more damage than I did. I also told him that it's only by the grace of God I'm alive at all. If God wasn't constantly working in my life, keeping me going, I wouldn't be here. I can say that with 100% confidence. Fr. Greg asked me to hang on for the next 3 weeks until I leave for Austria, and I promised him I would do my best.
So, this definitely isn't all we talked about, but it was a really fruitful conversation, as it almost always is. I praise the Lord for Fr. Greg. He doesn't know this, but I would've killed myself a long time ago if God hadn't brought him into my life.
With the whole suicide thoughts thing, I know they are there and they definitely sound more serious than they are. I know that suicide thoughts are very serious and cannot be taken lightly. They are there and sometimes I want to go through with it, but I don't have a plan and I'm NOT going to do it. I am going to the doctor next week to hopefully get those taken care of. I think it's one of the medications I'm on. Fr. Greg has been one of the main reasons I've held on. I wouldn't want him to find out that I'd done something stupid through Facebook or a random phone call. I would never want him to think that all he did for me wasn't enough. It's kept me alive for the past 2 years because of how much God works through him.
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." -Maria Robinson
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Getting Up and Continuing My Journey
I cut last night. I'd just had enough. All this stuff at my church has really gotten to me, my mom was very unappreciative after I made dinner the last 2 nights (a simple thank you would've been enough), and in general, coming home is always hard. Last night, I stumbled upon the blades I'd asked my dad to move. It was a STUPID move, but I couldn't resist the temptation and grabbed one. I'm gonna get kinda graphic here because I said I'd always be honest on here: First I cut on my upper arm so no one could see it because I have this habit of pulling up my long sleeves. I made one long cut on my upper arm and then some words came to mind (Over the summer, I cut the word "liar" into my leg after a fight with someone, so that's kinda where the idea came from). Because I was feeling like such a screw up, I cut the words "F**k up" in smaller letters into my upper arm. Then, I cut the word "unlovable" into my leg. I know both of those things are lies, but last night, the devil made them sound like complete truths.
One MAJOR problem is that home doesn't feel like home anymore. I'd lived in Steubenville for almost an entire year until now. Steubenville quickly became home and my incredible friends became my family. I miss my friends like you wouldn't even believe. When I used to come home, my parish would feel more like home, but with all this stuff with the priest, even church doesn't feel like home anymore. So, it's been really hard.
After I cut last night, I texted Fr. Greg, telling him I'd cut, apologizing for being such a screw up and him having to put up with me for the last 2 years and that he doesn't have to put up with me anymore. I was pretty much expecting him to quit on me, so to make it hurt less for me when he did give up on me, is why I told him he didn't have to put up with me. He responded with some ridiculous jokes like he always does when he can tell I'm really down. It kinda showed me that he's willing to keep putting up with me. His joking around definitely took my mind off of it and I was able to sleep. Today, I looked at what I'd done and realized the words I carved into my body are lies. Once the cuts heal, I'm praying that God heals my heart from believing those lies. I definitely regret cutting, but still, I have to keep my head up and keep going. I've only cut 3 or 4 times in the last 5 months. I'm still getting better. I fell, like Jesus did on the way to His crucifixion, so just like He got up, I'm getting up and continuing my journey.
Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas. God humbled Himself and became one of us. What an incredible gift!
One MAJOR problem is that home doesn't feel like home anymore. I'd lived in Steubenville for almost an entire year until now. Steubenville quickly became home and my incredible friends became my family. I miss my friends like you wouldn't even believe. When I used to come home, my parish would feel more like home, but with all this stuff with the priest, even church doesn't feel like home anymore. So, it's been really hard.
After I cut last night, I texted Fr. Greg, telling him I'd cut, apologizing for being such a screw up and him having to put up with me for the last 2 years and that he doesn't have to put up with me anymore. I was pretty much expecting him to quit on me, so to make it hurt less for me when he did give up on me, is why I told him he didn't have to put up with me. He responded with some ridiculous jokes like he always does when he can tell I'm really down. It kinda showed me that he's willing to keep putting up with me. His joking around definitely took my mind off of it and I was able to sleep. Today, I looked at what I'd done and realized the words I carved into my body are lies. Once the cuts heal, I'm praying that God heals my heart from believing those lies. I definitely regret cutting, but still, I have to keep my head up and keep going. I've only cut 3 or 4 times in the last 5 months. I'm still getting better. I fell, like Jesus did on the way to His crucifixion, so just like He got up, I'm getting up and continuing my journey.
Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas. God humbled Himself and became one of us. What an incredible gift!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
We Have a Choice
This is part of the homily that Deacon Dave (a really good friend of my family) gave at Mass this morning. It was seriously one of the best homilies I've heard in a long time. It really seemed to kinda fit with what's gone down in my parish the last few days. Here's where it hit for me.
"When life throws the most drastic and unexpected things at you...And when that happens, good plans have to be dropped because God has another plan in mind. And suddenly, we have a choice. We can be angry and give up on God and everyone and everything else. Or we can ask ourselves, “Where is God in all of this? The truth is that God often asks much of us; He can make big demands...In ways that we cannot understand, God manages to work through human beings and human events. And if you put your trust in God, something good can come from what seems like a complete mess. God does not walk out of what happens; He stays engaged. And even when our worlds turn upside down and we reach a dead end, God is still doing a very good thing for us."
Deacon David Shea
December 19, 2010
---
At the end of Deacon Dave's homily, our pastor addressed the issue about the parochial vicar. It was really hard to hear. A lot of people were crying, including me. It was like I just didn't want to hear about it anymore. Fr. Tom talking about it just made it more real. I guess a part of me was really hoping it wasn't true. I didn't sleep last night, but the good thing is that I didn't cut. Partly because of what Fr. Greg texted me last night, but also because I just didn't want to go back to that. I know it would've helped for like 5 minutes then made my life a living hell for who knows how long. I didn't want that and I sure as hell couldn't handle more pain right now. I decided it wasn't worth it.
I know I can't be angry at God for this stuff with the priest at my church, but I can't help but wonder what the heck went through the priest's head. If this had happened before Fr. Greg and Fr. Rick had come into my life, I would have NEVER trusted a priest again. Maybe this is one reason God brought them into my life: to be a support system when I felt completely betrayed. I'm thanking God for Fr. Greg and Fr. Rick because both of them have proved to me that they can be trusted. So far through this, Fr. Greg has been my support system as well as a few people at my church. Today, I had 2 people talk to me about it. One was a guy I know from just being at daily Mass so much. He looked at me and asked how I was. I said "As good as I can be." He knows that this priest was my spiritual director and that I would've probably taken it really hard. One of our family friends came up to me after Mass and said, "When I read that letter, I immediately thought of you and how this would affect you." Through my tears, I told her that it hurt pretty bad. It's amazing how supportive people are.
This is a verse from the Book of Psalms this morning that seems pretty appropriate: "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust man..." -Psalm 118:8
"When life throws the most drastic and unexpected things at you...And when that happens, good plans have to be dropped because God has another plan in mind. And suddenly, we have a choice. We can be angry and give up on God and everyone and everything else. Or we can ask ourselves, “Where is God in all of this? The truth is that God often asks much of us; He can make big demands...In ways that we cannot understand, God manages to work through human beings and human events. And if you put your trust in God, something good can come from what seems like a complete mess. God does not walk out of what happens; He stays engaged. And even when our worlds turn upside down and we reach a dead end, God is still doing a very good thing for us."
Deacon David Shea
December 19, 2010
---
At the end of Deacon Dave's homily, our pastor addressed the issue about the parochial vicar. It was really hard to hear. A lot of people were crying, including me. It was like I just didn't want to hear about it anymore. Fr. Tom talking about it just made it more real. I guess a part of me was really hoping it wasn't true. I didn't sleep last night, but the good thing is that I didn't cut. Partly because of what Fr. Greg texted me last night, but also because I just didn't want to go back to that. I know it would've helped for like 5 minutes then made my life a living hell for who knows how long. I didn't want that and I sure as hell couldn't handle more pain right now. I decided it wasn't worth it.
I know I can't be angry at God for this stuff with the priest at my church, but I can't help but wonder what the heck went through the priest's head. If this had happened before Fr. Greg and Fr. Rick had come into my life, I would have NEVER trusted a priest again. Maybe this is one reason God brought them into my life: to be a support system when I felt completely betrayed. I'm thanking God for Fr. Greg and Fr. Rick because both of them have proved to me that they can be trusted. So far through this, Fr. Greg has been my support system as well as a few people at my church. Today, I had 2 people talk to me about it. One was a guy I know from just being at daily Mass so much. He looked at me and asked how I was. I said "As good as I can be." He knows that this priest was my spiritual director and that I would've probably taken it really hard. One of our family friends came up to me after Mass and said, "When I read that letter, I immediately thought of you and how this would affect you." Through my tears, I told her that it hurt pretty bad. It's amazing how supportive people are.
This is a verse from the Book of Psalms this morning that seems pretty appropriate: "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust man..." -Psalm 118:8
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Feeling A Little Betrayed
Today in the mail, my family got a letter in the mail from the pastor of our church. It said that the parochial vicar (who helped me the summer after my freshman year at Xavier and has taken my blades on multiple occasions) has been put on a leave of absence effective immediately. It said that he had an inappropriate relationship with a female parishioner. I'm kinda numb to all of this right now because I'm having a really hard time processing it. This is one of those things you never think could happen to you. I know he's only human and we all screw up. It's just hard for me to believe he could do this. He was a HUGE help to me and honestly, it makes me really disappointed to know that he did this.
One thing that I'm trying to deal with is the fact that I saw him at Mass just on Wednesday and it makes me wonder how in the world he could celebrate Mass with that on his mind. I wonder how long this relationship took place and how many times I received the Eucharist from him. I have lost no respect for him, don't get me wrong. He is a priest who should still be respected. I'm just disappointed, you know? When I read the letter, it felt like my heart dropped into my stomach. It's making me question everything, although it really shouldn't. He was able to help me a lot, but I can't help but wonder. It just hurt. He promised he'd be there for me no matter what, and now he can't be. I feel kinda betrayed.
With all this crap, I just want to cut. I texted Fr. Greg about it and he was like "Two wrongs don't make a right...the hurt you feel tonight will be, at least, DOUBLE tomorrow, if you cut tonight." I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have him to help me keep things in perspective.
Please pray for the priest involved and my parish as we try to deal with this. Thank you.
One thing that I'm trying to deal with is the fact that I saw him at Mass just on Wednesday and it makes me wonder how in the world he could celebrate Mass with that on his mind. I wonder how long this relationship took place and how many times I received the Eucharist from him. I have lost no respect for him, don't get me wrong. He is a priest who should still be respected. I'm just disappointed, you know? When I read the letter, it felt like my heart dropped into my stomach. It's making me question everything, although it really shouldn't. He was able to help me a lot, but I can't help but wonder. It just hurt. He promised he'd be there for me no matter what, and now he can't be. I feel kinda betrayed.
With all this crap, I just want to cut. I texted Fr. Greg about it and he was like "Two wrongs don't make a right...the hurt you feel tonight will be, at least, DOUBLE tomorrow, if you cut tonight." I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have him to help me keep things in perspective.
Please pray for the priest involved and my parish as we try to deal with this. Thank you.
Friday, December 17, 2010
By His Wounds
This is Fr. Greg's blog from today. I sent him an e-mail just last night letting him know about the 60-day program and how it might help some of the students at George Washington University if they're struggling with an addiction.
---
I've been working with a college student (not at GW) for a couple of years who is trying to overcome an addiction to cutting. She has struggled mightily to get help, even with a very strong Catholic spiritual life and seeing multiple counselors in a short amount of time. She just emailed me this week; hopefully there's been a breakthrough! I post the email anonymously here in case, as she writes, it might help any of our students with addictions. There's also a link to the program's website to check out.
"I just wanted to share with you what I'm doing right now. I saw a counselor right before finals week and he recommended that I give a 60-day online program a shot because I don't have time to go to St. Louis to the inpatient hospital for cutters. This program is through Setting Captives Free and it's called "By His Wounds." It's Scripture-based and it's incredible. It's all about changing my perspective on cutting. It's really working. It's REALLY hard, don't get me wrong. It's opened a lot of wounds that haven't healed correctly and it definitely hurts, a lot, but I know that if I get through all 60 days, I won't ever cut again.
I just finished day 12 and it's definitely getting harder as I go, but I'm determined to fix this once and for all. These lessons are completely changing my perspective on cutting. I know my cutting hurt God, but I'm seeing more how it damaged my relationship with Him because I wanted to be in control. It's all that letting go and letting God thing. I know I can't fix this myself. I've tried a billion times, as you know all too well. If I can stop cutting once and for all, I know that whatever I set my heart on, I can do. I really am all in this time. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have started this program and I sure wouldn't have continued doing it. I've only cut twice in the last 5 months, which is a HUGE improvement on what it used to be. I'm still taking life one day at a time.
I quit counting days and I'm just going with the month by month thing. It's making it a little less overwhelming and I don't think everyday about how long it's been. Like I texted you, as miserable as I am right now, something won't let me cut and something won't let me quit all together. So, here I am. I'm taking all my crap and putting it at the foot of the cross because it's too much for a 20-year-old kid to deal with. God's gotta take over.
Here's the link to the site. You should check it out. It might help any of the students you know who are struggling with addictions because there are programs dealing with stuff like sexual impurity to gambling to self-injury.
http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/courses/his-wounds/
So if you could pray that I have the strength to get through this program, that'd be awesome."
---
One thing that I've believed since I met Fr. Greg is that if I can help just one person because of my struggle, it is completely worth it. I pray that someone who reads Fr. Greg's blog will check out the site and try the program. It really is an absolutely incredible program with a HUGE success rate. Glory to God!
By the way, the virtue of hope has been stalking me like crazy lately. I love it! I know I can do this!
---
I've been working with a college student (not at GW) for a couple of years who is trying to overcome an addiction to cutting. She has struggled mightily to get help, even with a very strong Catholic spiritual life and seeing multiple counselors in a short amount of time. She just emailed me this week; hopefully there's been a breakthrough! I post the email anonymously here in case, as she writes, it might help any of our students with addictions. There's also a link to the program's website to check out.
"I just wanted to share with you what I'm doing right now. I saw a counselor right before finals week and he recommended that I give a 60-day online program a shot because I don't have time to go to St. Louis to the inpatient hospital for cutters. This program is through Setting Captives Free and it's called "By His Wounds." It's Scripture-based and it's incredible. It's all about changing my perspective on cutting. It's really working. It's REALLY hard, don't get me wrong. It's opened a lot of wounds that haven't healed correctly and it definitely hurts, a lot, but I know that if I get through all 60 days, I won't ever cut again.
I just finished day 12 and it's definitely getting harder as I go, but I'm determined to fix this once and for all. These lessons are completely changing my perspective on cutting. I know my cutting hurt God, but I'm seeing more how it damaged my relationship with Him because I wanted to be in control. It's all that letting go and letting God thing. I know I can't fix this myself. I've tried a billion times, as you know all too well. If I can stop cutting once and for all, I know that whatever I set my heart on, I can do. I really am all in this time. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have started this program and I sure wouldn't have continued doing it. I've only cut twice in the last 5 months, which is a HUGE improvement on what it used to be. I'm still taking life one day at a time.
I quit counting days and I'm just going with the month by month thing. It's making it a little less overwhelming and I don't think everyday about how long it's been. Like I texted you, as miserable as I am right now, something won't let me cut and something won't let me quit all together. So, here I am. I'm taking all my crap and putting it at the foot of the cross because it's too much for a 20-year-old kid to deal with. God's gotta take over.
Here's the link to the site. You should check it out. It might help any of the students you know who are struggling with addictions because there are programs dealing with stuff like sexual impurity to gambling to self-injury.
http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/courses/his-wounds/
So if you could pray that I have the strength to get through this program, that'd be awesome."
---
One thing that I've believed since I met Fr. Greg is that if I can help just one person because of my struggle, it is completely worth it. I pray that someone who reads Fr. Greg's blog will check out the site and try the program. It really is an absolutely incredible program with a HUGE success rate. Glory to God!
By the way, the virtue of hope has been stalking me like crazy lately. I love it! I know I can do this!
“Hope is the power that gives us the power to step out and try.” -Author Unknown
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Our Hearts Are Restless
St. Augustine said, "You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in You." This quote is SO relevant to my life. I am constantly restless when it comes to my relationship with God. It's definitely become WAY better since transferring to Franciscan, but between halfway through my junior year of high school and until I arrived at Franciscan, I was so horribly restless, I couldn't see God working in my life. I was in a dark night of the soul, first brought up by St. John of the Cross (whose feast day was yesterday, btw). But in being so completely restless and not seeing God in my life shows me now that I know with my entire being that God truly does exist. He touched my life when I was a sophomore in high school and from then on, I was never the same. I constantly am seeking Christ and want to get to know Him more.
This song was written by Catholic singers Audrey Assad and Matt Maher. I've been blessed to have met Matt 4 times and Audrey twice. This song is based off the quote by St. Augustine and is one of my favorite songs by Audrey.
You dwell in the songs that we are singing
Rising to the Heavens, rising to Your heart, Your heart
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between and frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart
And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You
Oh, speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark
'Cause I know You're more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
You are the keeper of my heart
And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I wanna rest in You
Still my heart hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry
Still my heart hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry
And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, let me rest in You
I'm restless, so restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I will rest in You
This song was written by Catholic singers Audrey Assad and Matt Maher. I've been blessed to have met Matt 4 times and Audrey twice. This song is based off the quote by St. Augustine and is one of my favorite songs by Audrey.
You dwell in the songs that we are singing
Rising to the Heavens, rising to Your heart, Your heart
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between and frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart
And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You
Oh, speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark
'Cause I know You're more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
You are the keeper of my heart
And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I wanna rest in You
Still my heart hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry
Still my heart hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry
And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, let me rest in You
I'm restless, so restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I will rest in You
Monday, December 13, 2010
Because of Who You Are, Inside
I was so ready to cut tonight. Like, looking for a blade close. I decided that I was going to try one more thing to distract myself. So, I found the box of notes my friend Martha put together for me for my birthday (we call it the love box. lol). I opened it and read all of the notes inside. They all reminded me of how loved I am and how much joy I bring to people. The last thing I read was a poem written by my dear friend Joe. I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I shared it with you.
"Know One" by Joe F.
The skies are opened
and the light has broken
and I am seeing,
O God I am seeing
so much is unloved
Freedom breathed spoken words
Silence chained voices never heard
the soft cry, the chilling awe
When doors swung through your heart
and beauty grasped the child you are
and held you with its arms
no longer hurt, no longer silenced
no longer far
from Him
You can never forget and you can never erase
But you can walk forward from the past you have faced
Who you are and who you've become
is something so much fuller than when you first begun
Life is feeble
Memory is short
But nothing will be shared by no one
everything will be filled with knowing the One.
Dawn will break and rain will fall
Darkness will tumble and loneliness will bawl
Joy will open its arms and love will embrace
Because beauty is more than what we can see
It's evident, so evident in your eyes
Because of who you are
Inside.
---
Rereading Joe's poem tonight kept me from cutting. I've only cut twice in the last 5 months...that's freakin huge. I used to cut DAILY. That's 2 times in almost 160 days. I'm not letting the devil have me. I'm God's.
Be strong and courageous...do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. -Joshua 1:9
"Know One" by Joe F.
The skies are opened
and the light has broken
and I am seeing,
O God I am seeing
so much is unloved
Freedom breathed spoken words
Silence chained voices never heard
the soft cry, the chilling awe
When doors swung through your heart
and beauty grasped the child you are
and held you with its arms
no longer hurt, no longer silenced
no longer far
from Him
You can never forget and you can never erase
But you can walk forward from the past you have faced
Who you are and who you've become
is something so much fuller than when you first begun
Life is feeble
Memory is short
But nothing will be shared by no one
everything will be filled with knowing the One.
Dawn will break and rain will fall
Darkness will tumble and loneliness will bawl
Joy will open its arms and love will embrace
Because beauty is more than what we can see
It's evident, so evident in your eyes
Because of who you are
Inside.
---
Rereading Joe's poem tonight kept me from cutting. I've only cut twice in the last 5 months...that's freakin huge. I used to cut DAILY. That's 2 times in almost 160 days. I'm not letting the devil have me. I'm God's.
Be strong and courageous...do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. -Joshua 1:9
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
God Help Me In This Fight
At the recommendation of both Joe (my counselor) and my friend Nicki, I am currently participating in an online 60-day program for cutters. It's called "By His Wounds" and it's sponsored by the Christian organization Setting Captives Free. By His Wounds takes a biblical prospective on the cutting and emphasizes how Christ is the only way to be truly free. I just finished day 4. Here was something that was on today's section and it hit hard, and I mean HARD.
The feelings start surrounding me, the light of hope starts to dim
A tremor crawls up my body, I look down at my limbs
Scars of the past and places untouched, a visual echo of my heart
Not knowing where one ends and one begins, you can't tell them apart.
Past mistakes have left my heart feeling abused and alone
And now in the midst of blood and tears my weaknesses are shown.
My body then starts to shake and my hands quickly clench tight
I look up then to Heaven with teary eyes praying "God help me in this fight."
Lord come heal me now, help me to bear this pain
The stripes on your back I see too well but my stripes have me chained
You have the power to heal the scars on my heart and those that I can see
Please help me through, give me strength, help me from these chains break free.
The feelings start surrounding me, the light of hope starts to dim
A tremor crawls up my body, I look down at my limbs
Scars of the past and places untouched, a visual echo of my heart
Not knowing where one ends and one begins, you can't tell them apart.
Past mistakes have left my heart feeling abused and alone
And now in the midst of blood and tears my weaknesses are shown.
My body then starts to shake and my hands quickly clench tight
I look up then to Heaven with teary eyes praying "God help me in this fight."
Lord come heal me now, help me to bear this pain
The stripes on your back I see too well but my stripes have me chained
You have the power to heal the scars on my heart and those that I can see
Please help me through, give me strength, help me from these chains break free.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
The Power of the Eucharist
HOLY CRAP!!! God completely rocked my world tonight. Everything that happened today only makes yesterday better. Tonight confirmed to me that everything yesterday was truly God's will. Today was just a good day. After yesterday, I felt way better than I had in a long time. There wasn't this horrible thing bogging me down anymore. Tonight, there was a Festival of Praise on campus that was Eucharistic. I'm all about the power of the Eucharist (hence my household: Servants of the Eucharistic Heart of Jesus). It caused my conversion in 2005 and I've experienced the power Christ has in the form of the Eucharist. So, tonight, at the F.O.P., as Fr. Johnathan walked in with the monstrance, I already knew something was going to happen. My friends and I were sitting in the first row and as the Eucharist entered, a huge room full of over 2,500 people dropped to their knees. Unless you've been to Franciscan for a F.O.P. or a youth conference, it's an indescribable thing to see. You'll just have to trust me. As the Eucharist entered the room, my heart started beating so fast, like violently fast. I was almost scared that it was just going to stop beating (but obviously it didn't. Haha). So as Fr. Johnathan walked by, I bowed to the monstrance and Jesus. Fr. Johnathan placed the Eucharist on the altar, which was almost right in front of me. On my knees, I closed my eyes and looked down. As soon as I put my head down, God put these words on my heart: "Child, look at Me. Lift your face. Don't be ashamed." I opened my eyes, lifted my face to look at the Eucharist and heard: "You are Mine and I love you. You are My child and you belong to me. Satan doesn't own you. Your chains are gone. Be free, my beautiful daughter. Catherine, I love you." I became extremely overwhelmed with a sense of peace. For TEN minutes, I couldn't take my eyes off the Eucharist. Like, I'm not sure if I even blinked. It then hit me like a 2x4. I finally knew that was REALLY Jesus: Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity. Like, I finally believed that for the first time in a while. I KNOW it's not just bread and wine. It's the Bread of Life and the Cup of Salvation. For the first time in a LONG time, I know He really does love me. Yeah, I've screwed my life up a lot over the last 2 years, but He doesn't care. He's with me, loves me, has set me free, and Satan has no power over me.
After all this, I called Fr. Greg. I was like "OH MY GOSH!! I GET IT!! JESUS REALLY IS THERE!!" I then told him everything and he was like "What a breakthrough!!" So, he told me to pray with this experience really hard for the next few days. I'm in the midst of finals right now and I'm going home on Thursday. He knows that I have a pretty hard time when I go home, so he told me first to write down this experience and read it everyday when I'm home because that keeps the experience real. An idle mind truly is the devil's workshop. So, he told me not to let my mind go idle. I know that the devil's going to do anything he can to make me think this experience wasn't real and wasn't of God. Well, it was. I had a true encounter with Christ tonight and I know it. He also told me that it would be a really good idea for me to ask God to help me with my game plan for when I'm home.
So, man. Tonight was powerful. One thing I've learned is that when I do things my way, it ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS, goes wrong. Tonight, for the first time since coming to Franciscan, I've surrendered myself to God's will and can say honestly that I want whatever God wants.
After all this, I called Fr. Greg. I was like "OH MY GOSH!! I GET IT!! JESUS REALLY IS THERE!!" I then told him everything and he was like "What a breakthrough!!" So, he told me to pray with this experience really hard for the next few days. I'm in the midst of finals right now and I'm going home on Thursday. He knows that I have a pretty hard time when I go home, so he told me first to write down this experience and read it everyday when I'm home because that keeps the experience real. An idle mind truly is the devil's workshop. So, he told me not to let my mind go idle. I know that the devil's going to do anything he can to make me think this experience wasn't real and wasn't of God. Well, it was. I had a true encounter with Christ tonight and I know it. He also told me that it would be a really good idea for me to ask God to help me with my game plan for when I'm home.
So, man. Tonight was powerful. One thing I've learned is that when I do things my way, it ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS, goes wrong. Tonight, for the first time since coming to Franciscan, I've surrendered myself to God's will and can say honestly that I want whatever God wants.
"God dwells in our midst, in the Blessed Sacrament of the altar." -St. Maximilian Kolbe
Friday, December 3, 2010
What a Day!!
Well, today was quite the day, let me tell you. It all started last night when I sent Fr. Rick a Facebook message out of sheer desperation. I was very afraid of what I might do to myself. He responded late last night asking me to meet him at the chapel on campus at 11am this morning. He also asked me to not do anything last night and to be strong. Well, when I walked into the entrance of chapel today, there was Fr. Rick, waiting for me, and we walked into the main chapel and went to one of the back rooms where we sat down and talked. First, he prayed that any evil spirits that may hinder our conversation be gone. Then, he looked me in the eye and said "Talk to me. Why do you want to quit?" I told him that I'd lost all hope in ever being able to stop. I told him that I can't live the rest of my life like this. Then he said something that hit me right in the heart. He said, "First of all, tuck everything I'm about to say in the back of your brain. Suicide is NOT the answer. It's messy, painful, etc. This pain you're going through now, well magnify that times like a thousand...That's what you'll feel for all of eternity if you commit suicide. If you live the rest of you life in pain, it is what it is, but in eternity, that pain will be gone if you live the rest of your life. Do you want eternal misery? I know that you don't." That just like opened my eyes. The suicide thoughts haven't been bad, but they're there. I'm not gonna lie. I don't think I'll ever act on them. I honestly couldn't even look at him. He put his hand under my chin, lifted my face, looked me in the eye and said, "You can do this." In those 4 words, that spark of hope was re-ignited. I know what it's like to live my life free of this. I did it for 109 days. Yeah, I had to fight for every single one, but fighting wasn't nearly as bad as the pain that comes from giving in.
We talked for about another half hour and he prayed over me at the end. It was so powerful. Fr. Rick really knows how to pray and get right to the heart of what's bothering you. The words he uses are definitely not his words. They're God's. And, of course, I cried. After he finished the prayer, he looked at me and said "You're leaking." I laughed and stood up. He gave me a hug and held on for a minute. I kinda let go and he just held on. He made me feel so loved. He took time out of his ridulously busy schedule to talk to me and help me figure out what to do. I would be dead if it weren't for him.
Then, I went to see a counselor. The guy who is in charge of the counseling center was highly recommended by my friend Nicki and I was really unsure about it, but after meeting Joe, I really feel like this could work. He's offered to help me while I'm in Austria, both by Skype and by e-mail. This showed me that Joe's in for the long haul, which meant a lot. The meeting today was really informal and Nicki went with me. Joe just kinda wanted to know what was going on, etc. In just one session, he got a whole lot out of me and gave me some REALLY good suggestions.
So, I'm another step closer to taking back my life for good. My friends and I went to a hill in West Virginia that overlooks Steubenville and took a ton of pictures. For the first time in a long time, I look genuinely happy. I look kinda happy in most of the pictures taken of me, but I can see right through the facade and tell you exactly what I was feeling then, and most likely, it wasn't a good thing. Some of the oictures got posted on Facebook throughout the evening and I noticed that I look happy. Today really changed my life.
We talked for about another half hour and he prayed over me at the end. It was so powerful. Fr. Rick really knows how to pray and get right to the heart of what's bothering you. The words he uses are definitely not his words. They're God's. And, of course, I cried. After he finished the prayer, he looked at me and said "You're leaking." I laughed and stood up. He gave me a hug and held on for a minute. I kinda let go and he just held on. He made me feel so loved. He took time out of his ridulously busy schedule to talk to me and help me figure out what to do. I would be dead if it weren't for him.
Then, I went to see a counselor. The guy who is in charge of the counseling center was highly recommended by my friend Nicki and I was really unsure about it, but after meeting Joe, I really feel like this could work. He's offered to help me while I'm in Austria, both by Skype and by e-mail. This showed me that Joe's in for the long haul, which meant a lot. The meeting today was really informal and Nicki went with me. Joe just kinda wanted to know what was going on, etc. In just one session, he got a whole lot out of me and gave me some REALLY good suggestions.
So, I'm another step closer to taking back my life for good. My friends and I went to a hill in West Virginia that overlooks Steubenville and took a ton of pictures. For the first time in a long time, I look genuinely happy. I look kinda happy in most of the pictures taken of me, but I can see right through the facade and tell you exactly what I was feeling then, and most likely, it wasn't a good thing. Some of the oictures got posted on Facebook throughout the evening and I noticed that I look happy. Today really changed my life.
"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed" Isaiah 53:5
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Confession with Fr. Rick
So, after Thanksgiving break, I screwed up. I brought a blade back from home. All day on Monday, the thought consumed my mind that I had a blade in my room and it totally messed up my day. Right before dinner, I cut. Bad. I got the relief I was looking for, seeing the blood and feeling the blade slide across my forearm. I quickly got myself together and went to dinner with my friends as I do every night. As I sat at dinner with my friends, one of my best friends here sent me a text saying "Are you okay? You haven't been yourself today." Well, of course, I lied. I told her I was really tired (which I actually was. I didn't get enough sleep over break).
After dinner, I knew I had to get to Confession. I took the blade, wrapped it in a tissue and put it in my coat pocket. On the way from my dorm to the chapel, I prayed so hard that Fr. Rick would be there. If he wasn't, I was going to walk out. Having Fr. Rick as my normal confessor makes things a little easier. He knows my entire story, so I don't really have to do any explaining. It's also really humbling to have to admit to the same person that you screwed up. So, I sat down next to Fr. Rick and he knew. I know he knew as soon as I came over. I told him I cut and that I was done. I told him I'd done EVERYTHING...4 counselors, taking it to prayer, etc. I told him that I can't do it anymore. He looked at me and said, "Do you remember what your plan was over the summer?" I kinda rolled my eyes and said yes. I had emailed him over the summer when I was cutting really bad that if I kept cutting, I was going to go to St. Louis to S.A.F.E. Alternatives, an impatient hospital for self-injurers. He looked at me and said, "Well, what about that?" I thought about it and started crying. I told him I can't. I can't fall off the face of the earth for 30 days. He asked me why. He then said, "Embarrassing? Humbling?" I just nodded my head. I told him, plus, I'm going to Austria in 6 weeks. That's not enough time. I could barely look at him. He then looked me in the eyes and asked me to hang on and that God hasn't quit on me. He said there have been way worse sinners than me and He held onto them. I kinda protested, saying that I told God for the last 2 years that His Son dying on the Cross wasn't enough. He then said, "Catherine, I'm begging you to hang on just a little longer." I told him I didn't know how much longer I could. He said, "Do it for me." I told him that I'd try. As I thought he was about to give me absolution, he instead put his hand on my head and prayed over me like he did over the summer. I could feel his hand shaking. He asked God to heal my heart, mind, and body. He called for the powerful intercession of the Blessed Mother. He demanded that anything that was not of God, in the name of Jesus Christ, to leave me. It was so freakin' intense. I'm not even kidding. He then gave me absolution and prayed that God would grant me the grace of peace within my heart. He gave me a hug and like a few weeks ago, just held me for a minute. As I was about to get up, I pulled out the blade in my pocket and handed it to him, asking that he get rid of it for me. I knew it'd be REALLY bad if I kept it. As I got up, he whispered to me, "Hang on." So I have. The last 2 days have definitely been hard, but I'm still here because of Fr. Rick. He has been such a blessing. If he wasn't willing to put up with all my shit, I have no idea what I'd do. I wouldn't be here. That's for sure. So, yeah. That's where I am at this point. Just hanging on.
I'm going to see a counselor here at Franciscan on Friday. This guy is highly recommended by a highly trusted friend. She's offered to go with me, so I took her up on it. This counselor Skype's with people in Austria, which is the biggest reason I'm giving it a shot.
After dinner, I knew I had to get to Confession. I took the blade, wrapped it in a tissue and put it in my coat pocket. On the way from my dorm to the chapel, I prayed so hard that Fr. Rick would be there. If he wasn't, I was going to walk out. Having Fr. Rick as my normal confessor makes things a little easier. He knows my entire story, so I don't really have to do any explaining. It's also really humbling to have to admit to the same person that you screwed up. So, I sat down next to Fr. Rick and he knew. I know he knew as soon as I came over. I told him I cut and that I was done. I told him I'd done EVERYTHING...4 counselors, taking it to prayer, etc. I told him that I can't do it anymore. He looked at me and said, "Do you remember what your plan was over the summer?" I kinda rolled my eyes and said yes. I had emailed him over the summer when I was cutting really bad that if I kept cutting, I was going to go to St. Louis to S.A.F.E. Alternatives, an impatient hospital for self-injurers. He looked at me and said, "Well, what about that?" I thought about it and started crying. I told him I can't. I can't fall off the face of the earth for 30 days. He asked me why. He then said, "Embarrassing? Humbling?" I just nodded my head. I told him, plus, I'm going to Austria in 6 weeks. That's not enough time. I could barely look at him. He then looked me in the eyes and asked me to hang on and that God hasn't quit on me. He said there have been way worse sinners than me and He held onto them. I kinda protested, saying that I told God for the last 2 years that His Son dying on the Cross wasn't enough. He then said, "Catherine, I'm begging you to hang on just a little longer." I told him I didn't know how much longer I could. He said, "Do it for me." I told him that I'd try. As I thought he was about to give me absolution, he instead put his hand on my head and prayed over me like he did over the summer. I could feel his hand shaking. He asked God to heal my heart, mind, and body. He called for the powerful intercession of the Blessed Mother. He demanded that anything that was not of God, in the name of Jesus Christ, to leave me. It was so freakin' intense. I'm not even kidding. He then gave me absolution and prayed that God would grant me the grace of peace within my heart. He gave me a hug and like a few weeks ago, just held me for a minute. As I was about to get up, I pulled out the blade in my pocket and handed it to him, asking that he get rid of it for me. I knew it'd be REALLY bad if I kept it. As I got up, he whispered to me, "Hang on." So I have. The last 2 days have definitely been hard, but I'm still here because of Fr. Rick. He has been such a blessing. If he wasn't willing to put up with all my shit, I have no idea what I'd do. I wouldn't be here. That's for sure. So, yeah. That's where I am at this point. Just hanging on.
I'm going to see a counselor here at Franciscan on Friday. This guy is highly recommended by a highly trusted friend. She's offered to go with me, so I took her up on it. This counselor Skype's with people in Austria, which is the biggest reason I'm giving it a shot.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)