"...This terrible sense of loss, this untold darkness, this loneliness, this continual longing for God, which gives me that pain deep down in my heart. Darkness is such that I really do not see - neither with my mind nor with my reason. The place of God in my soul is blank. There is no God in me. When the pain of longing is so great, I just long and long for God and it is then that I feel - He does not want me. He is not there...God does not want me. Sometimes, I just hear my own heart cry out - "My God" and nothing else comes. The torture and pain I can't explain."
I read this last night in Adoration and could not believe what I was reading. This was written by one of, if not the holiest woman to live in the 20th century: Mother Teresa. It's in the book "Come Be My Light" and even still, I cannot believe that a woman like Mother Teresa felt the exact same way I do a lot of the time. It was a real wake up call. A soon to be saint felt the EXACT same way I did. For me, Mother Teresa put a feeling that I couldn't put words to into words for me. It's actually kind of encouraging. I mean, maybe this is the way I'm supposed to feel. My suffering puts me in union with Christ's passion.
Sorry this wasn't a little longer. I don't have much time tonight.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
"The Reason For The World" - Matthew West
God tends to speak to me in music. I somehow manage to find the perfect song at the perfect time. I've come to believe that it's the Spirit.
On my drive back to Steubenville today, I listened to this song and it really hit me. It gave me a reason to keep going. Lately, I've wanted to give up. I realized I can't.
There are no words in times like these
When tears don’t hide the tragedies
And all you want is a reason for the world
No comfort in a greeting card
‘Cause God is good, but life’s still hard
And your heart just wants a reason for the world
But maybe the reason for the pain
Is so that we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for our hope
Is so that we can face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home
For God so loved your broken heart
He sent his Son to where you are
And He died to give a reason for the world
So lift your sorrows to the One
Whose plan for you has just begun
And rest here in the hands that hold the world
'Cause maybe the reason for the pain
Is so that we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for our hope
Is so that we can face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home
Well, I know you’re past the point of broken
Surrounded by your fear
I know your feet are tired and weary
From the road that you walk down here
But just keep your eyes on Heaven
And know that you are not alone
Remember the reason for the world
No ear has heard, no eye has seen
Not even in your wildest dreams
The beauty that awaits beyond the world
When you look into the eyes of grace
And hear the voice of mercy say
Child, welcome to the reason for the world
On my drive back to Steubenville today, I listened to this song and it really hit me. It gave me a reason to keep going. Lately, I've wanted to give up. I realized I can't.
There are no words in times like these
When tears don’t hide the tragedies
And all you want is a reason for the world
No comfort in a greeting card
‘Cause God is good, but life’s still hard
And your heart just wants a reason for the world
But maybe the reason for the pain
Is so that we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for our hope
Is so that we can face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home
For God so loved your broken heart
He sent his Son to where you are
And He died to give a reason for the world
So lift your sorrows to the One
Whose plan for you has just begun
And rest here in the hands that hold the world
'Cause maybe the reason for the pain
Is so that we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for our hope
Is so that we can face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home
Well, I know you’re past the point of broken
Surrounded by your fear
I know your feet are tired and weary
From the road that you walk down here
But just keep your eyes on Heaven
And know that you are not alone
Remember the reason for the world
No ear has heard, no eye has seen
Not even in your wildest dreams
The beauty that awaits beyond the world
When you look into the eyes of grace
And hear the voice of mercy say
Child, welcome to the reason for the world
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
A Four Word Text Message.
All it took was a 4-word text message to bring me to tears this morning. I was texting Fr. Greg last night, just letting him know how down I was. He didn't respond when I was awake. I fell asleep praying the Rosary at about 11:30 last night. I was out cold, or as my dad would say, "sawing logs" (He's a country boy. Can you tell? lol) I had a really bad night last night. Fr. Greg is really the only person I feel like I have in my life that I can be completely vulnerable with. He's seen me at my best and he's seen me at my worst. These are pretty raw emotions from last night. Here are the texts I sent Fr. Greg:
"Why do I still feel like there's all this crap inside me that I can only get out by cutting when there shouldn't be. It's day 89. Things should be better by now."
"I feel so alone. I shouldn't want to cut. Where is God when I need him? He's supposed to never leave me. I feel like He's left me here to fix myself."
"I've done everything I know to do. I can barely even pray anymore, which is a HUGE problem. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know why I'm here. I don't want to be here anymore."
"I'm sorry for being such a screw up. I wish I wasn't such a piece of hunk. Remember in Confession at St. Andrew's when you told me God didn't create junk? He did. He created me."
"I feel like my life's not worth shit. I've tried so many times over the last 2 years to fix it, yet here I am. Still screwed up. I'm done."
At 1:06am, I received a text (which I didn't get until this morning at 7:00am) with 4 little words. It said "I love you, Catherine." I was blown away this morning. I had no idea that all I needed was for someone to tell me they loved me. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. He's stuck by me for the last two years and if God hadn't brought him into my life when He did, I wouldn't be alive today. Fr. Greg has been someone who's constantly kept me grounded and been there for me when my life became a living hell. In one of Matthew West's new songs called "Hold You Up" there's a line that I feel like Fr. Greg has done for me. It says "I'm not gonna leave you when your world becomes a war. I'm staying in the trenches 'cause you're worth fighting for."
I've been in kind of a funk today because of it. I keep looking at the text to make sure I actually got it. I had no idea that a little 4-letter word text would make me feel better than anything else he could have said.
Call or tell someone you love them today. It may save their life.
"Why do I still feel like there's all this crap inside me that I can only get out by cutting when there shouldn't be. It's day 89. Things should be better by now."
"I feel so alone. I shouldn't want to cut. Where is God when I need him? He's supposed to never leave me. I feel like He's left me here to fix myself."
"I've done everything I know to do. I can barely even pray anymore, which is a HUGE problem. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know why I'm here. I don't want to be here anymore."
"I'm sorry for being such a screw up. I wish I wasn't such a piece of hunk. Remember in Confession at St. Andrew's when you told me God didn't create junk? He did. He created me."
"I feel like my life's not worth shit. I've tried so many times over the last 2 years to fix it, yet here I am. Still screwed up. I'm done."
At 1:06am, I received a text (which I didn't get until this morning at 7:00am) with 4 little words. It said "I love you, Catherine." I was blown away this morning. I had no idea that all I needed was for someone to tell me they loved me. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. He's stuck by me for the last two years and if God hadn't brought him into my life when He did, I wouldn't be alive today. Fr. Greg has been someone who's constantly kept me grounded and been there for me when my life became a living hell. In one of Matthew West's new songs called "Hold You Up" there's a line that I feel like Fr. Greg has done for me. It says "I'm not gonna leave you when your world becomes a war. I'm staying in the trenches 'cause you're worth fighting for."
I've been in kind of a funk today because of it. I keep looking at the text to make sure I actually got it. I had no idea that a little 4-letter word text would make me feel better than anything else he could have said.
Call or tell someone you love them today. It may save their life.
Monday, October 18, 2010
One Of Those Nights...
Tonight's one of those nights...One of those nights where things just seem to suck. I'm having a really hard time. I feel like inside me there's all this crap, and cutting is the only way to get it out. That's how I always felt before I stopped cutting, but tonight, all I want to do is grab a blade and drag it across my arm. Then I look at my tattoo and remember what it stands for. It is a reminder that even when I don't feel loved, I am actually loved. I am loved by God, my parents, my friends, Fr. Greg, Fr. Rick, Fr. Mike, and so many other people.
I look at my arm and see scars from my elbow to my wrist and honestly, that scares me. I don't ever want to go back to that. I know that cutting is an evil lie and I never want to do it again, but nights like tonight, I feel like it's the only way that I can feel better. I'm feeling down because I'm really tired. I was gone all day yesterday leading a retreat for 400 teens in the Diocese of Steubenville. The retreat was 2 1/2 hours away and we got back at 1am this morning, so I'm exhausted. I'm also kinda down because I haven't been getting along with my household sisters as much as I would like to. I guess that's just what happens when you live with friends you see ALL the time. It's a challenge sometimes, but most of the time, it's great. One sister in particular is driving me nuts, but otherwise, things are okay there.
I think I'm just going to go pray the Rosary and see what happens.
3 weeks from today is day 108.
I look at my arm and see scars from my elbow to my wrist and honestly, that scares me. I don't ever want to go back to that. I know that cutting is an evil lie and I never want to do it again, but nights like tonight, I feel like it's the only way that I can feel better. I'm feeling down because I'm really tired. I was gone all day yesterday leading a retreat for 400 teens in the Diocese of Steubenville. The retreat was 2 1/2 hours away and we got back at 1am this morning, so I'm exhausted. I'm also kinda down because I haven't been getting along with my household sisters as much as I would like to. I guess that's just what happens when you live with friends you see ALL the time. It's a challenge sometimes, but most of the time, it's great. One sister in particular is driving me nuts, but otherwise, things are okay there.
I think I'm just going to go pray the Rosary and see what happens.
3 weeks from today is day 108.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
"Beautiful" - MercyMe
This song I randomly discovered on Tuesday. You have no idea how much I wish I believed this...
The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
And praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the Cross
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to death
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes
You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
And praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the Cross
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to death
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes
You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
Friday, October 15, 2010
"Broken Girl" - Matthew West
Matthew West released a new record last week. The whole album is incredible, but this is the song that hit me the hardest.
Look what he’s done to you
It isn’t fair
Your light was bright and new
But he didn’t care
He took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast
Now words like innocence
Don’t mean a thing
You hear the music play
But you can’t sing
Those pictures in your mind
Keep you locked up inside your past
This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are, hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl
Those damaged goods you see
In your reflection
Love sees them differently
Love sees perfection
A beautiful display
Of healing on the way tonight
Tonight, tonight
This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are, hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl
Let your tears touch to the ground
Lay your shattered pieces down
And be amazed by how grace
Can take a broken girl
And put her back together again
This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are, hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl
Look what he’s done to you
It isn’t fair
Your light was bright and new
But he didn’t care
He took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast
Now words like innocence
Don’t mean a thing
You hear the music play
But you can’t sing
Those pictures in your mind
Keep you locked up inside your past
This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are, hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl
Those damaged goods you see
In your reflection
Love sees them differently
Love sees perfection
A beautiful display
Of healing on the way tonight
Tonight, tonight
This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are, hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl
Let your tears touch to the ground
Lay your shattered pieces down
And be amazed by how grace
Can take a broken girl
And put her back together again
This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are, hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The Tiniest Spark of Hope
It amazes me what the tiniest spark of hope inside a person can do. I had a spiritual direction meeting with Fr. Mike Scanlan yesterday and that's one thing I told him. I told him that for 2 years, I wanted to give up so many times, but something inside me wouldn't let me. It was the tiniest spark of hope and that yearning inside my soul to better my relationship with Christ. Honestly, I thought I was a hopeless case. It wasn't until Fr. Greg told me one night that giving up hope is a greater sin than cutting did I realize that there was something inside me that wanted to keep going. That thing was a tiny spark of hope, given to me by God. George Weinberg once said “Hope never abandons you; you abandon it.” That's so true. God didn't abandon me. I abandoned Him.
Now that I see what my life is like without cutting, I'm realizing what I'd missed if I had given up. I wouldn't be at the most incredible school in the world. I wouldn't be blessed with the world's most amazing friends. I wouldn't have gotten to see Fr. Greg twice this summer. I wouldn't have been able to take 17 friends home to see Matt Maher and Tenth Avenue North. I wouldn't be living in the most amazing dorm hall ever. I wouldn't get to go to study abroad in Austria next semester. I wouldn't get to see my sister graduate high school in May. I wouldn't get to see my brother graduate medical school and become a doctor in a year and a half. I would miss EVERYTHING God has planned for me! I would've missed SO MUCH!!
I'm realizing how beautiful life is. Yeah, it can REALLY suck sometimes. But looking at the bigger picture really does change everything. I realize that everything that has happened to me has happened for some reason. Some things, I have no freakin' clue at this point why they happened, but in God's time, He'll reveal it.
"When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God." -Charles L. Allen
"Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope." -Hal Lindsey
"And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." -Romans 5:5
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark." -George Iles
"Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have isn't permanent." -Jean Kerr
Friday, October 8, 2010
No Urge!
At 11:35pm last night, I had a revelation...Yesterday was the first day in a year and a half where I haven't had a single impulse to cut. I thought about it, but I didn't feel the need to do it! I just wanted to share my news with you. It made me realize that I am okay and that I can live my life without this.
“I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all of my heart.” – Van Gogh
“I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all of my heart.” – Van Gogh
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
75 Days
75 days...I've gone the last 11 weeks without cutting. I can't believe I've made it this far. Honestly, I had huge doubts that I would ever have made it this far. It truly was all by the grace of God.
Today, I had a prayer answered. We had a guest speaker in my Parish and Personal Evangelization class (Only at Franciscan do you have classes like this one. Haha) named Michael Poirier. He's a Catholic singer who travels the country with his wife and kids sharing the salvific message of Christ. He sang a part of a song that he sings after Holy Communion in Mass when he does the music. He sang it today and it brought tears to my eyes, because just last night, I asked the Lord to let me know His love for me. Here's what Michael sang.
You are beautiful to me, but still you don't believe me
You are beautiful to me, it's why I'm telling you again.
You are beautiful to me, please stop trying to win the love that was yours from the beginning
You are beautiful to me, you think you understand
You are beautiful to me, so tell me, why do you still run?
You are beautiful to me, I'm longing for the day you will believe me.
Never have I felt that a message was made more for me. After class, I talked to Michael for a few minutes and told him that this really was an answer to my prayer. This exactly what I needed to hear because most of the time, I don't feel beautiful. For 2 years, I listened to the lies of Satan and abused my body. I still get the temptation...a lot actually. To be totally honest, it's every single night that I have to fight the urge. It usually comes at least once during the day as well. I hate it, but I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is my Cross to carry right now. I have a friend named Erinn who's in the class as well. We had a little conversation about how this got me emotional and after class today, she sent a tweet to Twitter that said that "catherinengland (my username), you're beautiful." It got sent to my phone, and I started to tear up. She has no idea how much that means to me. Each time someone says it, even though I don't really believe it, I can feel myself coming closer to really knowing Christ really does love me and created me beautiful. One day, I'll get there. All in God's time.
I spent a lot of time thinking about the last 2 years lately. I know it's not good to dwell on the past, but I feel like to heal, I need to look at it. 23 months ago, I started cutting again. After 2 years of being addicted to cutting, I look at the scars on my upper arm, my legs, and my forearm and I'm appalled at the fact that I did all this damage to myself. But then, I remembered something Fr. Greg told me a while ago. He told me not to look any further down my arm than my tattoo. So, I'm trying not to. I'm trying to see my scars as battle scars. I look forward to the day that I can look at them and say that I won the battle and that they are a sign of how bad things were, but how good they can be, and that life is so much better. Again, it's all in God's time.
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3
Today, I had a prayer answered. We had a guest speaker in my Parish and Personal Evangelization class (Only at Franciscan do you have classes like this one. Haha) named Michael Poirier. He's a Catholic singer who travels the country with his wife and kids sharing the salvific message of Christ. He sang a part of a song that he sings after Holy Communion in Mass when he does the music. He sang it today and it brought tears to my eyes, because just last night, I asked the Lord to let me know His love for me. Here's what Michael sang.
You are beautiful to me, but still you don't believe me
You are beautiful to me, it's why I'm telling you again.
You are beautiful to me, please stop trying to win the love that was yours from the beginning
You are beautiful to me, you think you understand
You are beautiful to me, so tell me, why do you still run?
You are beautiful to me, I'm longing for the day you will believe me.
Never have I felt that a message was made more for me. After class, I talked to Michael for a few minutes and told him that this really was an answer to my prayer. This exactly what I needed to hear because most of the time, I don't feel beautiful. For 2 years, I listened to the lies of Satan and abused my body. I still get the temptation...a lot actually. To be totally honest, it's every single night that I have to fight the urge. It usually comes at least once during the day as well. I hate it, but I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is my Cross to carry right now. I have a friend named Erinn who's in the class as well. We had a little conversation about how this got me emotional and after class today, she sent a tweet to Twitter that said that "catherinengland (my username), you're beautiful." It got sent to my phone, and I started to tear up. She has no idea how much that means to me. Each time someone says it, even though I don't really believe it, I can feel myself coming closer to really knowing Christ really does love me and created me beautiful. One day, I'll get there. All in God's time.
I spent a lot of time thinking about the last 2 years lately. I know it's not good to dwell on the past, but I feel like to heal, I need to look at it. 23 months ago, I started cutting again. After 2 years of being addicted to cutting, I look at the scars on my upper arm, my legs, and my forearm and I'm appalled at the fact that I did all this damage to myself. But then, I remembered something Fr. Greg told me a while ago. He told me not to look any further down my arm than my tattoo. So, I'm trying not to. I'm trying to see my scars as battle scars. I look forward to the day that I can look at them and say that I won the battle and that they are a sign of how bad things were, but how good they can be, and that life is so much better. Again, it's all in God's time.
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3
Sunday, October 3, 2010
"Only in Me is your satisfication to be found"
This is by St. Anthony of Padua. It currently hangs beside my desk here in my dorm room. It's motivation for me to always be seeking a deeper relationship with God. Who better than to be in a relationship? He promises multiple times in Scripture to never fail or forsake us. People do it all the time fail and forsake us all the time. He never will.
--------------------
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a
deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and
exclusively.
But God says, "No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and
content with living, loved by ME ALONE, with giving yourself totally
and unreservedly to ME ALONE. I love you, my child, and until you
discover that ONLY in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will
not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned
for you. You will never be united with another until you are united
with me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other
desires or longings.
"I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you
that most thrilling plan existing, one that you can't imagine. I want
you to have the BEST! Please allow me to bring it to you. You just
keep watching me, expecting that satisfaction, expecting the greatest
things, and know that I Am. Keep learning and listening to the things
I tell you. YOU MUST WAIT!
"Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others
have received. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just
keep looking off and away up to me, or you'll miss what I want to show
you.
"And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more
wonderful than you would ever imagine. I am working this very minute
to have both of you ready at the same time, until you are both
satisfied exclusively with me and the life I have planned and prepared
for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies
your relationship with me... and this is perfect love.
"Dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to
see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me and to enjoy
materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and
perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you
utterly. I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied."
--------------------
I love it. My friend Brooke first shared it with me, then I felt called to share it with my sister as well as multiple friends. It amazes me how God works :)
73 days. November 7, 2010 is what I'm aiming for. That'll be day 108, which will be the longest I've ever gone without cutting.
--------------------
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a
deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and
exclusively.
But God says, "No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and
content with living, loved by ME ALONE, with giving yourself totally
and unreservedly to ME ALONE. I love you, my child, and until you
discover that ONLY in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will
not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned
for you. You will never be united with another until you are united
with me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other
desires or longings.
"I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you
that most thrilling plan existing, one that you can't imagine. I want
you to have the BEST! Please allow me to bring it to you. You just
keep watching me, expecting that satisfaction, expecting the greatest
things, and know that I Am. Keep learning and listening to the things
I tell you. YOU MUST WAIT!
"Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others
have received. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just
keep looking off and away up to me, or you'll miss what I want to show
you.
"And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more
wonderful than you would ever imagine. I am working this very minute
to have both of you ready at the same time, until you are both
satisfied exclusively with me and the life I have planned and prepared
for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies
your relationship with me... and this is perfect love.
"Dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to
see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me and to enjoy
materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and
perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you
utterly. I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied."
--------------------
I love it. My friend Brooke first shared it with me, then I felt called to share it with my sister as well as multiple friends. It amazes me how God works :)
73 days. November 7, 2010 is what I'm aiming for. That'll be day 108, which will be the longest I've ever gone without cutting.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Rough Times
Lately, life's just been tough. I haven't been myself lately and I don't know why. Satan's really trying to convince me I'm not good enough and don't deserve to be loved by anyone, especially God. It's hard because I believe that. I believe the lies. For 2 years, I denied Christ's sacrifice for me by cutting, so why should He love me now? I don't know. I'm just so frustrated. I had to leave praise and worship the other night because I felt like it was all crap. Fr. Greg texted me the other day, telling me to read Isaiah 43:1-4, which says
1But now, thus says the LORD, your Creator, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel,
"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!
2"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.
3"For I am the LORD your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I have given Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your place.
4"Since you are precious in My sight,
Since you are honored and I love you,
I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life.
I read that and can't help but not believe it. I feel like it's not for me, you know? I don't know. Things are just so messed up in my head lately, I don't know. I'm meeting with my spiritual director, Fr. Mike Scanlan, on Monday. Hopefully he can help me.
1But now, thus says the LORD, your Creator, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel,
"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!
2"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.
3"For I am the LORD your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I have given Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your place.
4"Since you are precious in My sight,
Since you are honored and I love you,
I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life.
I read that and can't help but not believe it. I feel like it's not for me, you know? I don't know. Things are just so messed up in my head lately, I don't know. I'm meeting with my spiritual director, Fr. Mike Scanlan, on Monday. Hopefully he can help me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)