It's after 1am and I can't sleep because I've got 8 billion things on my mind, so I decided I'd blog about it.
I'm so incredibly depressed. Depression just plain sucks. So much. The hopelessness, despair, darkness, the void in my soul. Even though nothing is really going wrong at the moment, I'm still feeling like complete shit. That's depression for you. And I feel so alone here, which is really tough too. And the cutting...that stupid thing that has controlled me for so long. I've done it a lot since my relapse in May. Haven't been able to shake it. Longest I've gone is about 10 days.
I feel like nothing has really changed since I was 18. I was telling Fr. Greg that last time I talked to him. I feel like sure, I'm 5 years older, but I'm still having the same conversations with him now as I had when I first met him. And that is incredibly frustrating.
I tried Skype counseling with a guy back in the States and that was a bust...That makes it 7 counselors in 5 years - only having progress with one. I told my psychiatrist and he said he's got an idea of a guy he thinks I'd like. Decided that #8 is the last shot. If this last guy doesn't work, I'm taking a break from actively looking for help.
Started a new medication a couple weeks ago. It's actually made things worse. That's the thing about anti-depressants: they either work, don't work, or make things worse. So, I have no idea what I'm gonna do about that at the moment.
I feel like right now all I wanna do is stop. I just want everything to stop for like 5 minutes so I can get my thoughts together. But, life keeps coming at me full speed and I'm dealing with it the best that I know how to. It may not be in the healthiest of ways, but I am surviving, so I guess that's a good thing.
It's getting harder and harder to get up in the morning and take on the day. That's one way I know things are getting worse.
This isn't even half of what's going on, but I can't seem to get my brain together enough to even get it all written down at the moment. I'm a wreck and I feel like my life is a wreck. Please pray for me extra hard. Things are really tough and each day gets tougher.
No comments:
Post a Comment