I promised myself that I'd always be brutally honest on here, so, here goes.
One week ago today, I relapsed. I cut myself for the first time after 17 months and 1 day of not cutting. There are about 10 things that lead to it that I'd rather not get into the details of, but I can tell you that it was bad. I cut myself 6 times in 5 days. It sucks to see the cuts on my legs and my arm, but they're healing, as is my heart. My heart has taken a huge beating over the last couple months, especially the last month. Last Wednesday, I'd finally just had enough.
I told Fr. Rick and he's been really supportive in helping me pick myself back up. I texted Fr. Greg, but got no response. I'm not sure right now that I could handle his response. I hate that I've let him down. I hate that I've let God down. I haven't gotten up the strength to go to Confession yet, but I'll get there soon.
I ask that you keep me in your prayers. I'm doing the best I can to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. It's a process that's taking time.
I leave for 6 months in Romania in a mere 18 days. I'm praying I can get it together between now and then.
Today has been a good day and I'm determined that tonight be good too. You know, depression and addiction recovery SUCK about 99% of the time, but then you get a little break, like I got today, where God help you carry your cross and He lets you know that you really are gonna be okay.
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3
Catherine,
ReplyDeleteI've come across your blog a few times and I felt compelled to write to you. 17 months and 1 day?!?! That's AMAZING, incredible, freakin' awesome! I've been a si'er for 28 years now and only in the last year have I started to fight it. I tried therapy multiple times to no avail. In the past year, my pastor started helping me and pointing me towards God. And for the first time, I made it 33 days. It was hell, an all-out battle. And that was just 33 days. You made it 17 months and 1 day! That's a lot of fighting! You can do this. A slip isn't the end of the world. You're human and unfortunately, these things happen sometimes. It doesn't mean that you're a failure or horrible. It means that you dealt with things at the time in a way that you needed to. That doesn't make you bad, wrong, or a failure. We all fall. It's just a matter of getting back up and going again. You can do this! And you know what? It's gonna be ok. YOU'RE gonna be ok. Keep the faith, young lady. God has great things in store for you. Peace. Shel