"Hold My Heart" - Tenth Avenue North

This song is one of the two that saved my life. When I met Mike, the lead singer of Tenth Avenue North in September 2008, I told him how this song had saved my life. It randomly came on the radio one night when I had a blade to my wrist when I was at home. He started crying and he said that stories like mine make the hectic life of a musician worth it. He thanked me for sharing my story and hugged me. He said that I'd be in his prayers and I said that he would be in mine. Since that night, I've been praying for Tenth Avenue North and their ministry. They're now one of the most popular Christian bands.



How long must I pray
Must I pray to You?
How long must I wait
Must I wait for you?
How long ‘til I see your face
See you shining through

I'm on my knees
Begging you to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You turn to me

One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart

One life, that's all I am
Right now, I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are,
Would You come close and holy my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why

I'm on my knees
Begging You to turn to me.
I'm on my knees
Father, will You run to me

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear you call my name
To hear you call my name

Here's me and Mike Donehey in September 2008

"Before The Morning" - Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there's a God who loves you,
Where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
That you still have a reason to sing,
'Cause the pain you've been feeling,
Can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you got to wait for the light
Press on, just fight the good fight
Because the pain you've been feeling,
It's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
And you know where you're going,
You just don't know how you get there
So just say a prayer.
And hold on, cause there's good who love God,
Life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
But you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

Telling My Parents

Well, I finally did it. I told my parents EVERYTHING last night. I wrote them a 4 page letter and e-mailed it to my dad. I was going to just send it by regular mail, but then I realized I'd be in agony waiting for them to get it, so I knew it had to be done last night. Someone who had a big part in my strength to tell my parents is my best friend, Gabbie. We've been friends since first grade (almost 15 years) and she has been there for me every single step of the way. She told me last night how much I needed to tell my parents. After walking around outside for almost an hour in tears, praying to God for the strength to send it, I finally sent the letter. After my parents read it, my dad called me. We ended up talking about it for over an hour. He told me that they're not disappointed in me and that they will do anything to get me the help that I need. He said that they're my biggest advocate because no matter what, I'll always be their baby girl, that their love for me is unconditional, and that nothing I could ever do would make them love me less.

Now that they know, a HUGE burden has been lifted. I cannot even explain it. I don't have to hide anymore. I don't have to hide the scars or my tattoo when I'm home anymore. Today, I feel better than I have in a long time. There's no longer a secret eating away at me. Right now, I'm thanking God and Mama Mary for giving me the strength to tell them. It's something I've been keeping from them since November 2008. This was a HUGE step in my recovery, bigger than anything before.

"Give Her The Courage To Fight The Good Fight"

The best thing EVER just happened to me. Well, let me start with the background. The last 2 days have been really hard. I really wanted to cut last night, didn't, but then I've been fighting the impulse most of the day today, so tonight, at about 8:00pm, I cut. I went to the chapel about 9:00 and begged God for forgiveness. I prayed for a few minutes and then left the chapel. The impulse came back after I left the chapel, so I was going to go drive to clear my head. I went to my room and got my wallet and as I walked past Fr. Rick's apartment (which is in the dorm next to mine), something made me stop and think. I then turned around and went back to my room and grabbed the blades I have. I walked back to Fr. Rick's apartment, stood outside for a minute and prayed for the courage to knock on the door and hand over all my blades. I knocked, he answered the door, handed him the blades, and asked him to get rid of them for me. I then walked to my car and as soon as I got in my car, I had a complete and utter breakdown. I freakin' bawled my eyes out. I decided not to drive anywhere because I was too upset. I sat there thinking "Holy crap...They're gone...What the heck am I going to do??" I then started to regret giving them to him. As funny and as ridiculous as it sounds, I considered going back to his door and asking for them back, although I know he wouldn't have given them back. I sat in my car and just cried. I texted a few friends and called Fr. Greg. He didn't answer, so I texted with my friend Rose. Even though I was texting someone, I felt so alone, almost like there was no one on Earth. It's a feeling I've never had before. But then I saw Fr. Rick get into his car and leave. He was gone maybe 10 minutes when he came back. I didn't notice him come back, but he walked up to my car, knocked on the window, and got in. I didn't say anything and he looked into my eyes, gave me the most compassionate look and said, "First of all, you have to calm down. You're going to pass out unless you start taking deep breaths and get yourself calmed down." I gave him a little smile. He then said, "So...why are you sitting in your car?" I explained to him that I was going to go for a drive, but then I was way too upset to drive. He said that was a good decision. Then, he asked if he could pray over me. I agreed, and right then and there, while sitting in my car, Fr. Rick placed his hand on my head and started praying. It was a very intense prayer. He demanded that all spirits causing me to believe the lies and to engage in self-injury be gone, in Jesus' name. He called on the powerful intercession of St. Michael the Archangel and the Blessed Mother. He also said a lot of things pretty similar to what Fr. Greg said when he prayed over me. At the end, he prayed "Give her the courage to fight the good fight." The prayer ended up being like 15 minutes long and we talked for a few minutes after he ended the prayer. I told him how I was ready to give up the fight and how this has been going on a long time. He reminded me that this is a one day at a time thing, which is funny because Fr. Greg's always telling me that. He also told me that he thinks it's time I tell my parents. I was really close to calling my mom tonight and spilling my guts, but I didn't. Sometimes it'd be really nice if my parents knew everything about all this. Fr. Rick told me to pray for the courage to tell my mom. So that's what I'm gonna do: pray for that courage. After that, we got out of my car and he came over and hugged me...in the pouring rain. Again, it was a much longer hug than I expected, kinda like when Fr. Greg hugged me when we were in D.C. We then walked up the steps next to the building and he told me to stay strong for the night. What Fr. Rick doesn't know is that he probably saved my life tonight. I had some pretty strong thoughts of just ending it all (although I really don't think I would have gone through with it). It amazes me how God sends exactly what I need, exactly when I need it. So tonight was a pretty awesome "Only at Franciscan..." moment. I'm praising and thanking God for answering my prayer tonight in the chapel and intervening in the form of Fr. Rick.

"All Of This For You" - Revive

So I've recently discovered this INCREDIBLE band from Australia called Revive. They are SO good! This song is so beautiful. I think it hit me so hard because of Fr. Greg's statement a year and a half ago: Jesus saw me cutting from the cross, but died for me anyway.



Love gave me welcome
When I least expected
He opened up the door and waved me in
But straight away I knew
There was no way I could enter
I was just too broken to begin

And as I turned away
I could hear him say

It's you I've come for
It's you I want more
I'd anything for you
There's nothing left to say
Nothing left to prove
I've done all there is to do
I do all of this for you
All of this for you

So He took me by the hand
And led me inside
Sat me at the greatest feast I'd seen
And the praises of the saints
That echo through the hallways
Were like something from a beautiful dream

Then Love lent in near
And whispered in my ear

It's you I've come for
It's you I want more
I'd do anything for you
There's nothing left to say
Nothing left to prove
I've done all there is to do
I do all of this for you

My heart is filled with deeper joy
Then I have ever had
To be fully known
And yet still loved
Nothing I have ever done
Can even compare
To hearing these words fall like a flood

It's you I've come for
It's you I want more
I'd do anything for you
There's nothing left to say
Nothing left to prove
I've done all there is to do
I do all of this for you
All of this for you

My Secret Got Posted!

This is a secret I created in May. I mailed it to Frank Warren, the creator of PostSecret, three weeks ago. It was posted on today's secrets (Go to postsecret.com and check them out). I got on about 1am this morning to see the new secrets and imagine my surprise when I saw this. I was like, "Wait a minute! I RECOGNIZE THAT!" I immediately called my friend, Rose, and told her to get online as soon as she could to see the new PostSecret. I told her that there was one she'd recognize. Right before I mailed in the post card, I took a picture of it and sent it to her. I don't really know why, but I did. So at like 1:30 this morning, I received a picture message from her on my cell phone. It was of her making a peace sign next to the secret. Then she sent me 2 text messages. The first one said "I am so honored and cool that I know the story behind a real PostSecret!" The second said, "I'm so glad that millions of people get to read your secret and become a part of your story." Never in a million years would I imagine that my secret would be posted for millions of people to see.

If you've read any of my other posts, I'm sure you can assume (and assume correctly) that the priest I referenced on the post card is indeed, Fr. Greg. The night he held me was when he was here in Steubenville a few weeks ago, at the end of May. I was in kind of a funky point at that time where the suicide thoughts came back. I was kinda freaked out that I actually might go through with it. Well, Fr. Greg hugged me and just held me as I cried. He reminded me what it feels like to be genuinely loved. It actually felt kind of like God had his arms around me. Read my blog post about it. It's from the end of May.

I thank God everyday for the incredible and holy priests that have been brought into my life, as well as those who serve in His Church around the world. Praise God for creating such wonderful men!

Today's day 11. I'm felling really good about it this time. I'm gaining strength going one day at a time as well as really turning to the Lord in my struggle. Fr. Mike said something to me in spiritual direction yesterday that made suffering all kinda make sense. He said "You can't have the Resurrection without the Cross." I guess I never really thought of it that way (even though I should have), but when he said that to me yesterday, something finally clicked in my head.

Raw Emotion From A Very Dark Night

Well, last night was a pretty dark night. I think I pissed off the devil by saying that my cutting doesn't own me anymore. He was not happy as a result of that. There was massive spiritual warfare going on last night. I texted my friend and asked her what she does when she struggles with an urge to cut. She said she cries her eyes out and then calls someone. Well, my problem was I couldn't cry last night. So, I wrote down some feelings then I went into the chapel. Well, as soon as I knelt down in front of the Eucharist last night, the tears started flowing and I had a huge sense of peace come over me. As I knelt there in prayer, crying, I asked the Blessed Mother to "kick some ass for me tonight." Well, she did. St. Therese of Lisieux once said, "In trial or difficulty, I have recourse to Mother Mary, whose glance alone is enough to dissipate every fear.” Mary helped me so much last night. After I left the chapel, I was strong enough to get through the night and stay clean. I'm feeling much better today. I went to Mass this morning at one of the churches nearby and I know that today's going to be much easier.

I wanted to share with you what I wrote last night. It was just how I was feeling at that point in time. Most of this, I don't really believe most of the time. But when I start believing the lies that the devil has been feeding me for the last 2 years, this is what happens. These are raw emotions put into words and written down in desperation.

The scars are so hard to look at
My left arm and legs covered in reminders
So much pain, anger, hatred
My past haunts me
No self-control, an addict at 20
This isn't how I imagined my life.

Every single day is a fight
Reason vs. emotion, spirit vs. flesh
My body wants that which my spirit hates
God, I don't want this anymore
Please, I'm begging You to help me
Take the pain, anger, self-hatred away

I'm supposedly Your masterpiece
Why would You create one with such ugly scars?
Love tattooed on my arm
But how could You love me like this?
Why do You put up with me?
I've let You down so many times

I'm so afraid that I will never see
Myself as anything more than a cutter
I feel like my addiction defines me
I long for relief, so I turn to the blade
But the blade only brings along more pain
I long for freedom; I WANT TO BE FREE

I'm sick of trying and failing
Sometimes I don't wanna live anymore
I can't imagine dealing with this addiction
For the rest of my life
So overwhelming...who would hire a cutter?
Who would want to marry a cutter?

Fr. Rick once told me something in Confession.
He said that problems arise when you mess with His plan
And that's what suicide is: messing with God's plan.
Sometimes, God, I'm not a fan of this plan
I know You don't mess with free will,
But can just once You take away my free will?

I don't believe I'm good and most of the time,
I struggle with believing I'm loved.
Lord, sometimes I just don't wanna go on
This is just me. There's nothing special about me.
I wish I could see my scars as a sign,
A sign that I got through the hard times, not that I almost didn't

I'm a failure. I'm not beautiful.
I'm not lovable and I'm nothing more than a cutter
And that's all I'll ever be.
I'm sorry, Lord.
This is it. I'm giving up the fight.
It's way too dark in this night.

"Dear X" - Disciple

I'm not letting the fact that I'm a cutter own me anymore. Today's day 7.



Dear pain, oh, it's been a long time
Remember when you were holding me tight
I would stay awake with you all night
Dear shame, I was safe in your arms
You were there when it all fell apart
I would get so lost in your beautiful lies
I let you go
But you're still chasing

Go ahead
You're never gonna take me
You can bend
But you're never gonna break me
I was yours
I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Dear hate, I know you're not far
You would wait at the door of my heart
I was amazed at the passion in your cries
Dear anger, you made me so high
You were faithful to show up on time
Such a flame that was burning in your eyes
I let you go
But you're still chasing

Go ahead
You're never gonna take me
You can bend
But you're never gonna break me
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead
Put a target on my forehead
You can fire
But you've got no bullet
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

You tempted me to look back
But everything that we had together was a lie

Go ahead
You're never gonna take me
You can bend
But you're never gonna break me
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead
Put a target on my forehead
You can fire
But you've got no bullet
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

Go ahead
Put a target on my forehead
You can fire
But you've got no bullet
I was yours
But I'm not yours anymore
Oh, you don't own me

The Desire for God

Paragraph 27 of the Catechism of the Catholic Church states "The desire for God is written in the human heart, because man is created by God and for God; and God never ceases to draw man to himself. Only in God will he find the truth and happiness he never stops searching for." AMEN TO THAT!!!

I was texting my friend Dan tonight. He told me he's been feeling empty lately. I know exactly how he feels. I used to feel so empty. When I would pray the Rosary with the Catholic group at Xavier, I never felt anything. I was like a robot spitting out words, words I didn't really even believe in at that point in my life. I was so lost. I tried so hard to have faith, but I was at a point in my life where I wasn't ready for God to work in my life. I still wanted to be in control. It wasn't until I started asking God to help me in major decisions and LISTENING to His response that my heart changed. It was not an overnight change. It was a long, sometimes frustrating, and sometimes painful process, but I asked God to show His love to me and eventually, He did. It took an 8-page angry letter to Him, talking to Fr. Greg for over a year on a regular basis about God, transferring to Franciscan, removing certain people from my life, etc. It was a long process to be "filled" again, but God filled me. I know there will by spiritually dry points again in my life, but right now, I'm overflowing with God's love and just want to share it with people! I think that's why I'm so intent on getting Dan to fix his relationship with God. I know how happy I am with my relationship with God and I want more than anything for others to see how God can change lives. Once someone genuinely experiences the love of God, they are never the same. I know when I was 15 and God finally became real to me, I was never the same. I never went back to where I was before then. Yeah, I had a dry period of like 3 years, but never did I give up on my faith. I always kept going, and now that I'm filled, I'm happier than ever. I don't know if you noticed it, but I changed the little description of my blog. It used to say "A college student's struggle with faith and self-injury." Now, it says "A hardcore Catholic college student's struggle with self-injury" because it's not a struggle with faith anymore.

There's a song called "God-Shaped Hole" and the chorus is so true. It says "There's a God-shaped hole in all of us and the restless soul is searching. There's a God-shaped hole in all of us. It's a void only He can fill." Blaise Pascal once said “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every person, and it can never be filled by any created thing. It can only be filled by God, made known through Jesus Christ.” I tried to fill that emptiness with so many other things: cutting, drugs, and drinking. That void wasn't filled by anything except God. I know nothing can ever fill that void but Him.

"Come Home" - Meredith Andrews

This song...Oh man. This song is what I imagine God saying to me A LOT. It shows how much God wants each and every one of us to turn away from our sinful ways and "Come Home." The lyrics in bold hit me the hardest.



It hurts me to see you this way
I can't sleep, I'm lying awake
Wondering what you're battling tonight
You've bought into all of the lies
And you've buried your fears inside
Haunted by a past you can't erase

What will it take
There's no mistaking
Only one place you belong

Please come home
Please come home
The door is open wide
You don't have to fix your life for me
I die a little every time that you leave
So come home

Your voice rings inside my ears
I'm fighting to hold back the tears
How can I make you see while there's still time

What will it take
There's no mistaking
Only one place you belong

Please come home
Please come home
The door is open wide
You don't have to fix your life for me
I die a little every time that you leave
So come home

You're not a disappointment to me
You're just like the rest of us
Struggling through the journey
I don't care what secrets you may keep
I could never love you less
Than all the love inside of me

Please come home
Please come home
The door is open wide
You don't have to fix your life for me
I die a little every time that you leave
So come home