Looking Back

The other night, I went back to my first post and read every single on of them all the way through. I'm not really sure exactly why I did it, but I know that it was kinda hard to do, but it was really good that I did it. From reading my own words, I could tell what a bad place I was in when I was at Xavier and how I've changed so much. I remembered how I felt when I wrote the words. Some people tell me that they can't even believe that I'm the same person. I know in some of my posts I sound really depressed and stuff, but I can honestly say that I'm happier than I have been in a long time. Yes, I still cut sometimes, but I'm not cutting nearly as bad as I used to. For example, my lowest point was probably when I was at Xavier and one night I'd had WAY too much to drink (alcohol became my way of coping with stuff) and I cut my wrist. I went unconscious and woke up on the bathroom floor of my dorm room in a puddle of my own blood. I should have died that night, but for some reason, God kept me alive, and I'm very glad He did.

I still struggle with letting people know when something is wrong. Anyone can ask me if I'm okay and it barely takes any effort to convince them that I'm fine and nothing's wrong. That's probably not a good skill to have, but I do it. But I hit a pretty low point last weekend when I carved the word "LIAR" into my leg as a result of an argument between me and a friend. During my time at Xavier, he was on of my closest friends. He felt I'd lied to him about something and I let what he said just stir in my head and eventually I started to believe it and cut the word into my leg. It sucks having to see that everyday, but I'm hoping that with time and God's healing power, the scars and emotional wounds will fade. Oh, he and I are fine now. We got it all worked out. He and I actually read through all the blog posts together and kinda talked about them over Facebook chat. It was really nice to have a friend there who knows all the stuff on here. I don't tell most people I have a blog.

If you had asked me when I was at Xavier if I'd live to see 20, I would have told you no. But through God's incredible graces, my awesome friends, Fr. Greg, and many other factors, I'm still very alive and kickin. Hahaha. People's 20th birthdays aren't usually a big deal. Mine was for me because I honestly didn't think I'd live to see it. Heck, things got bad enough after I had ankle surgery and I wondered if I was even gonna live to make it to Franciscan. Now, the thought of taking my own life isn't even in my head. Yeah, sometimes I want to give up, but giving up isn't an option. As I read back through the posts, I realized how much I let myself be defined by what I did, not actually who I was. I don't let the fact that I cut define me anymore. I used to think I'd never be anything more than a cutter, but with God's help as well as everything else He has blessed me with, I know I am so much more than that. Another thing I noticed was how before, my life was all about me. Now, I'm a 20-year-old college student who wants to do everything for the greater glory of God. It's not about me anymore. I never should have thought that way because I'm His creation, His servant, and His instrument. I am His, 100% completely and I wouldn't want to belong to anyone else.