I'm not going to lie, the last few days have been a real struggle. It's officially been 14 days since I cut last. That's the longest I've gone since November, but it's definitely been hard. When I went to see Fr. Jim on Wednesday, I got to tell him I hadn't cut all week. I was really happy and so was he. An intern sat in on our session and at the end, he said I was an inspiration. I know one of my biggest problems is how I view myself. So when he said that, I said thank you, but thought, "Well, no I'm not..." For so long I've believed the lie that I'm not good enough and I never will be. I still really struggle with that. I definitely have low self-worth and I know that. I'm trying to change that, but that's a mentality I've had for a long time. I'm really turning to the Blessed Mother to change my heart. I know she powerfully intercedes for me. A lot of times, when I pray that she helps me, I can physically feel the feelings go away. It's an experience I'll never be able to describe and cherish deeply.
Not cutting can be really hard. Since October 2008, it has consistently been the way I deal with my feelings and now I'm actually feeling emotions instead of cutting and trying to deal with them properly. I believe I was genuinely addicted to cutting and it's been really hard to break the addiction.
So day 14...check. I'm going on retreat with my household (Servants of the Eucharistic Heart of Jesus) tonight and all day tomorrow. So I know days 15 and 16 won't be a problem and 17 might be a struggle, but I'm hoping I'll be on a retreat high or something.
Sorry this has been all over the place. I just felt like I needed to share some of that stuff.
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