Last night at about midnight, I called Fr. Greg. I was upset about a lot of stuff yesterday and I called him because I thought I was going to cut. I went outside my dorm and talked to him for almost 2 hours. For like 15 minutes, we talked about why I wanted to cut and stuff like that. Then he asked me something. He asked me to go through my whole past of cutting with him. So I did. He asked me what changed in high school, when I didn't have any problems for 3 years. I told him that God became real and my faith was finally mine. He then said something I had never really thought about. He said, "Catherine, I think this is a God issue. Are you mad at God?" At first, I denied it, saying that I know that the stuff that started the cutting at Xavier wasn't God's fault. Then he said that if we were going to figure this out, I had to be brutally honest with him. So I sat there for a second, and then it came to me what the problem is. I am mad at God for some stuff that happened and it's way too long of a story to explain, but for like 20 minutes, I just let everything out and I seriously cried for the first time in a LONG time...like I was bawling. It was crazy. I started to think that I couldn't really cry anymore, but I can. Trust me. Haha. That was the first time I've told anyone any of the stuff I told him. It's been building up inside me for the last year and a half, and to finally let someone else know what the real problem is was incredible. A HUGE burden was lifted. I don't even think I knew that's what the problem was. It was like all of the sudden, the pieces came together last night as I sat outside in the cold. I've put up a wall to keep God out because I was mad at Him. As I was praying last night after talking with Fr. Greg, I said to God, "You're going to have to break down the wall. I can't do it." and I felt Him say, "Don't worry. I will."
So I asked Fr. Greg how I can fix my relationship with God. He said that I have to be brutally honest with God, so today, I went to Adoration and tried to let God know what was on my heart. It didn't work becuase I was really distracted. So I decided I'm going to write God a letter and keep it in my journal. A lot of times, I can communicate my feelings better in writing than in spoken words. I'll probably do that sometime tonight or tomorrow.
I never expected the phone call to end up being the way it was and I'm sure Fr. Greg didn't either, but it was an extremely fruitful conversation. I was brutally honest with him and I know he was surprised...I was too. I don't know where it all came from, but thank God I finally figured out what the problem is. I don't know what I'd do without Fr. Greg in my life. He's been such a blessing over the last 15 months since I met him. I probably wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for him. He lives in D.C. and I'm hoping I can get out there to see him sometime this summer.
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