Cutting Jokes

This was a secret sent to PostSecret about a year ago. It was definitely the most home hitting secret for me. When I was at Xavier, I heard a lot of cutting jokes. Those jokes aren't funny because you have no idea who cuts. The person you tell the joke to could be a cutter. One experience I had with a cutting joke was with a guy at Xavier. He was with some friends from the swim team and I was there talking to him. Someone said something and he started making the "slitting the wrist" gesture. I was immediately hit with pain in my heart. I could only think "Wow. Are you serious? My biggest struggle is a joke to you?" It really hurt. Then, one of my closest friends at Xavier, before I told her I cut, made a joke that messed with me so bad that I ended up cutting as a result of it. You never know how what you say can affect people

There are people who you'd never imagine cut who actually do cut. When one of my friends here at Franciscan told me she did, I was blown away. I never would have guessed. You really have to be careful what you say and to who. Cutting jokes aren't funny. They're really hurtful.

Today's day 28...Saturday is it.

Every single person has at least one secret that would break your heart. If we could just remember this, I think there would be a lot more compassion and tolerance in the world." -Frank Warren, creator of PostSecret.

"You Are More" - Tenth Avenue North

Tenth Avenue North released a song yesterday off their new album coming out in a few weeks. The song is called "You Are More" and it absolutely blew me away.



There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love."

But don't you know who you are
And what's been done for you?
Don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade.

She tries to believe it
She's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
She's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

Don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to.
This is not about what you feel
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you new.

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade.

You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.

Some Tough Love from Fr. Greg

When I stopped cutting for 107 days about a year ago, I was all about living my life one day at a time. After a while, I started thinking too much about the future and it gets overwhelming. When I start thinking about how I'm going to get through the rest of my life without cutting, it gets EXTREMELY overwhelming. Last night, I texted Fr. Greg, asking him what I'm going to do once I hit the 30 days. It's currently day 24, so I can't help but wonder what my initiative is going to be next week. He responded with "Why do you constantly look ahead? It really doesn't help...It actually hurts you...It makes things more overwhelming." I told him I can't help it and He said, "There is a lot of wisdom in 'one day at a time'...conversely, it is foolish to look past today...and a recipe for failure." I then explained to him why I've been thinking about the future so much lately. It's because people are constantly shoving my future in my face. It's crazy and I hate it. Then he responded "With the cutting, you CANNOT look at the future...one day at a time."

So there was a lot of tough love from Fr. Greg last night...He's a really great priest and he's been an extremely positive influence in my life. I'm still alive because of him. Any time I text him, he knows what I need to hear. Sometimes it ticks me off, but that's because I know he's right and I'm wrong. I know he does it because he wants to help me stop cutting for good. If I hadn't met Fr. Greg a year and a half ago, I wouldn't have lived to get to Franciscan. He's been such a blessing in my life and I thank God for him every day.

A Visit Home

I went home for a little visit on Thursday and got back to campus earlier this afternoon. It was really great to get away from here for a little while. I took my roommate home with me and it was really fun. Sometimes I need a break and it was really great to get to see my family. I just wanted to share with you something that happened while I was home...On Thursday night, I had a crazy dream. Me and some people were at Mass (I don't know where. It was not a place I recognized) and as we were receiving the Eucharist, a kid that went to grade school and high school received and all of the sudden, blood came dripping out of his mouth...Basically, a Eucharistic miracle had taken place. I woke up kinda freaked out. I've read about a lot of Eucharistic miracles, I've never seen one, but if I ever do...OH MAN!! Never again would I doubt the Real Presence.

Here's the crazy thing about all this...I very rarely remember my dreams. I actually have been praying a lot about the Real Presence, and asking God to help me believe. I actually had prayed about it a lot on Thursday, and I kinda feel like God was giving me a sign. That could be totally wrong, but to me, it seems like too much of a coincidence.

I've been in my household for a week and my love for the Eucharist has grown so much. I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a Servant of the Eucharistic Heart of Jesus. My sisters are so incredible and I love them more and more every day. Here's a quote from my household's patron saint, St. Peter Julian Eymard: "This is the servant's motto: all for Jesus Eucharistic, through the Heart of Mary."

Spritual Direction with Fr. Mike Scanlan

Fr. Mike Scanlan is my spiritual director and I had my first meeting with him yesterday. Fr. Mike is such an incredible and holy man...He's going to be a saint when he dies, I'm not even kidding you. He was really tight with JP II, has done massive amounts of healings, has written a bunch of books was the president of Franciscan from 1974-2000, and can read souls like St. Padre Pio. During our meeting yesterday, he totally read my soul. People told me before I got here that when Fr. Mike looks into your eyes, it's like he's looking into your soul...It's so true. Yesterday, when he looked into my eyes, I like couldn't look away. Then he started asking me questions totally pertinent to my life. He was like "What are you struggling with? That's what brought you here, isn't it?" I was blown away. Then he asked me, "Why won't you accept God's love?" and I was speechless. I asked him, "Fr. Mike, how in the world do you know this stuff?" and he just smiled and said, "I just know." So we talked for a while and then he prayed over me. He prayed an absolutely beautiful blessing over me and when he was finished, he said with a big smile on his face, "Get up and give me a big hug!" So yes, I can say I hugged a saint! :) He had me buy the book "I Believe in Love" which is apparently incredible and has done wonders for people here on campus. I'm meeting with him again in 2 weeks and I cannot wait!

It's day 20...10 days away!

This is getting to be ridiculous

Seriously, this is getting to be ridiculous...My friend Marriana just randomly knocked on my door and says, "You're beautiful and God loves you...A LOT!" I was like "Wait...what?" She said, "Yeah. I was just doing my laundry and God was like 'Catherine England. She's beautiful and I love her. Go tell her.' So here I am." I was speechless. God keeps sticking these random people in my life and having them randomly tell me that I'm beautiful and that I'm loved. I'm trying to accept that fact, but I still can't. I feel like He's probably just going to keep sending people to do that until I actually believe it. This is the fourth time in the last 2 weeks this has happened. I guess I should probably start believing it, shouldn't I?

I was inducted to household last night. I am now officially a Servant of the Eucharistic Heart of Jesus. I'm really hoping that being a part of this household will increase my faith in the Eucharist. It's my favorite thing about our faith and I want to truly believe in it's incredible graces.

It's day 17. Only 13 more to go. I can do this.

Some Random Thoughts

I'm not going to lie, the last few days have been a real struggle. It's officially been 14 days since I cut last. That's the longest I've gone since November, but it's definitely been hard. When I went to see Fr. Jim on Wednesday, I got to tell him I hadn't cut all week. I was really happy and so was he. An intern sat in on our session and at the end, he said I was an inspiration. I know one of my biggest problems is how I view myself. So when he said that, I said thank you, but thought, "Well, no I'm not..." For so long I've believed the lie that I'm not good enough and I never will be. I still really struggle with that. I definitely have low self-worth and I know that. I'm trying to change that, but that's a mentality I've had for a long time. I'm really turning to the Blessed Mother to change my heart. I know she powerfully intercedes for me. A lot of times, when I pray that she helps me, I can physically feel the feelings go away. It's an experience I'll never be able to describe and cherish deeply.

Not cutting can be really hard. Since October 2008, it has consistently been the way I deal with my feelings and now I'm actually feeling emotions instead of cutting and trying to deal with them properly. I believe I was genuinely addicted to cutting and it's been really hard to break the addiction.

So day 14...check. I'm going on retreat with my household (Servants of the Eucharistic Heart of Jesus) tonight and all day tomorrow. So I know days 15 and 16 won't be a problem and 17 might be a struggle, but I'm hoping I'll be on a retreat high or something. 

Sorry this has been all over the place. I just felt like I needed to share some of that stuff.

30 days

Well, the other day I was talking to Fr. Greg and I was talking about my future and he reminded me that I really need to live my life one day at a time like I used to. Life gets a lot easier when I go one day at a time. Then he said, "If you go 30 days without cutting, I'll come out to Franciscan to see you once George Washington's done for the semester." I was like "Wait...what? Seriously?" He said he was serious, so I told him it was a deal. It's been almost 2 weeks since I cut last, which is the longest I've gone since like November. I've got to get to the end of the semester without cutting, which I think is a very realistic expectation, and so that's what I'm doing. I'm living my life one day at a time, striving to hit that 30 day mark, which will be Saturday, May 1, 2010.

Conversations with Jesus and Mary

I'd never heard of "Anne, a lay apostle" until I got to Franciscan. Apparently, she's a woman who lives in Ireland who has conversations in her soul with the Jesus, the Blessed Mother, and certain saints about people who are suffering. Today, my friend sent me a link to the books that they put together consisting of these conversations. Well, even though I'm not considering suicide, something told me to look at that one (mostly because I think my problem is more serious than just depression), so I read it. The conversation with the Blessed Mother, which took place on December 1, 2006, was especially beautiful and really moved in my heart. Here's what the Virgin Mary wants people who are considering suicide to know:

My dear little child, how heavy is your heart. I see that you are suffering and feeling alone. Dear beloved one, you are not alone now and you will never be alone. Even as you read these words, heaven surrounds you. The angels pray constantly for your recovery, for a return to joy for you. You must believe that I tell you the truth today. I am Mary, your mother, and I can only seek what is good for you. I will seek what is good for you right now, before the Throne of God, and ask the Father to send you heavenly gifts of courage and calm. You will move through this day that is already passing into the past and tomorrow will be better. Each day will move you closer to recovery. Do not think for a moment that God will leave you with pain that is unmanageable. God will not do this. Ask for help and you will receive it. I am here, with you now, and I will make sure that you receive all that you need to move past this period of anguish. Heaven does not will this for you. Heaven wills hope for you. Heavenly grace filled with hope flow into your soul now. Rest in God’s grace and I will secure all that is necessary for you. I am your mother. I love you completely. I will help you. May I ask you to help me with something? I ask that you turn away from anything that is causing you this pain. Walk away from habits that bring darkness into your little soul. I will give you the light to understand what is creating such pain. You will not be left confused. Your cross will be lightened. You have my assurance of this. Be at peace today because truly, heaven hears your prayer and moves to answer your prayer. You will see heaven helping you in many ways, my beloved child. You are not alone.

It really moved me to know that Mama Mary (which is what I refer to the Blessed Mother as since I consecrated myself to her. I feel like she truly is my mother) really does care and doesn't want me to be in pain. The book, called "Heaven Speaks To Those Considering Suicide" really spoke to my heart. In the conversation Anne had with Jesus, there is even the mention of self-harm. It just really, really moved me to know that Mama Mary and Jesus really don't want me to be going through this (as corny as that may sound).

Here's the conversation with Jesus, which took place on November 29, 2006

I have many things to say to those who are considering this act of self-harm. I love you. I see your pain. I understand that you long for relief from your anguish. Please, bring your anguish to Me. I can help you. You are so valuable to the Kingdom and I need you to help bring Me to others. “How?” you say, in your great interior grief. “How could I possibly be helpful to Jesus and to others?” I will tell you. Your pain is the pain of
many in the world today. Many souls feel your grief, your hopelessness. Many carry heavy crosses of illness and addiction, loneliness and hopelessness, rejection and anxiety. Many of My children look into their future and see only more grief and pain and this takes their courage from them. Dearest friend, you must not do this. Do not look into tomorrow and expect today’s pain to be repeated. You are not certain of such an occurrence. You cannot be certain because I, God, could change your life during this day, today. You must remain in this day, in the present, because I have given you adequate grace to deal with your cross. It is only when you look into the future and think that your Jesus will send you no relief that you find life unmanageable. Understand this. Your life is only unmanageable if you put Me out of it. If you let Me into your heart, into your life, I will make it not only manageable but joyful. You are skeptical. You cannot believe in a future with joy because the present holds such pain. I understand this, just as I understand everything about you. You may not know Me well so I will tell you something about Myself that may help you to decide that trusting Me is a good decision. I have never been known to break a promise. Never. Today, I have a promise for you. If you ask Me to help you, I will help you. Ask Me, My beloved one. You are important to this Kingdom and I have a plan for you. I need you. I need you to serve in a way that you do not and cannot understand today, in your great hopelessness. I will reveal the plan but you will have to be courageous and allow Me to move you from this place of despair to a place of hope in your heart. I will do so. I will move you along, away from your sadness. You must trust Me just a little bit and give me just a little bit of time. Even now, as you read these words, hope is stirring within you. This hope is from Me and it is the smallest indication of what I will bring to you. I am giving you courage. I am giving you hope. Rest with Me. Say this, “I will rest Myself against Jesus and wait for Him to send relief.” I will send relief. Do not be afraid. I am with you now and I will never leave you.

I was absolutely floored to know this. It gives me a renewed sense of hope. Jesus and Mary really do care (although I never really doubted before that they cared). It just really hit my heart.

"God wants you to know you're beautiful"

Something really crazy happened last night. During praise and worship in the chapel, I lost it and like cried my eyes out. I don't really know why, but I did. Well, towards the end, I had to leave because I thought I was going to get sick. I walked outside so I could calm down. My friend Joey came out a few minutes later and calmed me down, so we went back in. After it was over, Joey and I stayed and were prayed over. After that, we left and met up with some friends outside the chapel. Then, all of the sudden, this guy comes up to me. He was wearing a Roman collar, but he just graduated from Franciscan last year, so he's not a priest. We basically assumed he's a seminarian. But back to what I was talking about. He introduced himself and said "My name is Jeff. I graduated from here last year. We've never met before, but God wants me to tell you something. He wants you to know you're beautiful. I don't know what that means to you, but if I didn't tell you, I know I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight." I was absolutely floored. I just thought "Are you kidding me?" He was the third person to tell me that God wanted me to know that I am beautiful in my brokenness. I cannot even explain it to you...I was speechless. This guy I'd never met in my entire life and probably won't see ever again just came up to me and said this?? Damn...lol. That's all I can say. God was really working in hearts last night and it blew my mind.

"See? You're Not Alone"

Last night, I got a text from my friend Rose saying to go look at the new PostSecret. There was one I had to see. I was not in my room, so I used my friend's iPhone to go to PostSecret.com. Rose knows my story so I figured it was one that had to do with cutting. Well, it was and this one was really moving to me because I also gave up cutting for Lent. After finding it, I texted Rose and I was like "WOW!!" and she said, "See? you're not alone." I know I'm not alone, and it's a big relief not to be.

An Extremely Fruitful Conversation with Fr. Greg

Last night at about midnight, I called Fr. Greg. I was upset about a lot of stuff yesterday and I called him because I thought I was going to cut. I went outside my dorm and talked to him for almost 2 hours. For like 15 minutes, we talked about why I wanted to cut and stuff like that. Then he asked me something. He asked me to go through my whole past of cutting with him. So I did. He asked me what changed in high school, when I didn't have any problems for 3 years. I told him that God became real and my faith was finally mine. He then said something I had never really thought about. He said, "Catherine, I think this is a God issue. Are you mad at God?" At first, I denied it, saying that I know that the stuff that started the cutting at Xavier wasn't God's fault. Then he said that if we were going to figure this out, I had to be brutally honest with him. So I sat there for a second, and then it came to me what the problem is. I am mad at God for some stuff that happened and it's way too long of a story to explain, but for like 20 minutes, I just let everything out and I seriously cried for the first time in a LONG time...like I was bawling. It was crazy. I started to think that I couldn't really cry anymore, but I can. Trust me. Haha. That was the first time I've told anyone any of the stuff I told him. It's been building up inside me for the last year and a half, and to finally let someone else know what the real problem is was incredible. A HUGE burden was lifted. I don't even think I knew that's what the problem was. It was like all of the sudden, the pieces came together last night as I sat outside in the cold. I've put up a wall to keep God out because I was mad at Him. As I was praying last night after talking with Fr. Greg, I said to God, "You're going to have to break down the wall. I can't do it." and I felt Him say, "Don't worry. I will."

So I asked Fr. Greg how I can fix my relationship with God. He said that I have to be brutally honest with God, so today, I went to Adoration and tried to let God know what was on my heart. It didn't work becuase I was really distracted. So I decided I'm going to write God a letter and keep it in my journal. A lot of times, I can communicate my feelings better in writing than in spoken words. I'll probably do that sometime tonight or tomorrow.

I never expected the phone call to end up being the way it was and I'm sure Fr. Greg didn't either, but it was an extremely fruitful conversation. I was brutally honest with him and I know he was surprised...I was too. I don't know where it all came from, but thank God I finally figured out what the problem is. I don't know what I'd do without Fr. Greg in my life. He's been such a blessing over the last 15 months since I met him. I probably wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for him. He lives in D.C. and I'm hoping I can get out there to see him sometime this summer.