Romans 7: 14-25

One day a few weeks ago, I was talking to Fr. Greg and I explained to him how frustrating all this is. Told him I do exactly what I don't want to do. He said, "Catherine. Go look at Romans 7:15. You'll see why." So I did. Here's the passage that Romans 7:15 is in.

The Conflict of Two Natures
14For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin
15For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.
16But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with (AF)the Law, confessing that the Law is good.
17So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.
18For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not.
19For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want.
20But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.
21I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good.
22For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man,
23but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members.
24Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?
25Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.

My fight is one between flesh and spirit, emotion and reason. It depends on what's happened during the day for which one to be stronger. A lot of times, my flesh/emotion is stronger...When I have an impulse and my reason is not the stronger, I usually end up cutting. A lot of times they're about equal and I can reason that if I do it, my life's going to be a living hell for a while. Sometimes, the emotion is stronger and I long for the relief.

I've been looking over this passage a lot lately, trying to stay strong. I failed last night. I cut. But here's the thing...It was on my upper arm, not on my forearm where my tattoo is. I guess it's kinda working. When I told Fr. Greg how ashamed I am of my scars, he said, "Look at that tattoo, no further down your arm. YOU ARE LOVED!" My scars from cutting are my battle scars. They remind me I'm alive and I've been through some crap, but I'm pretty sure, one day, I'll quit looking further down my arm than my tattoo.