Resisting Temptation

So I'm not gonna lie, I've been fighting an impulse for a while tonight. When I got back to my room about a couple hours ago, it hit me how much work I have to do and that I really don't have time to go see my friend in Pittsburgh tomorrow. I've got 3 midterms this week and one of them I'm extremely worried about. So I thought about cutting. I didn't, but I did text Fr. Greg letting him know what was going on. He said he's praying for me and to stay strong for tonight. So I promised him I wouldn't cut. Then, I decided to pray my Marian Consecration prayers for today. I opened up the book and today's reflection was on RESISTING TEMPTATION!! How crazy is that? I think it's definitely God intervening here. The Total Consecration was written by St. Louis de Montfort. Here's a few lines from today's consecration: "All the saints passed through many tribulations and temptations and were purified by them, And they that could not support temptations, became reprobate and fell away." I mean how crazy is that?! I'm so glad I prayed the Consecration tonight because I know that, for sure, God was involved.

Beautiful History - Plumb

I recently found this song and I've absolutely fallen in love with it. God's really good at showing me songs that have a lot to do with where I am in life at the moment.



I have made mistakes
and I have been afraid.
I have felt alone,
Then You called my name.

Things were crashing loudly
Happening all around me
But Your still small voice
Was all that I could hear.

"I am here,
I'm holding you.
You'll make it through this.
I am here, I am here.

I am here,
I'm holding you.
You'll make it through this.
I am here, I am here."

Whenever you run away
Whenever you lose you're faith
It's just another stroke of
The pen on the page
A lonely ray of hope
Is all that you'll need to see
A beautiful history

Well, I have been such a fool,
When I have known the truth.
I've wasted so much time
Doing what I want to do.

I've been living solely
For myself and myself only
But Your still small voice
Is whispering

Whenever you run away
whenever you lose you're faith
It's just another stroke
Of the pen on the page
A lonely ray of hope
Is all that you need to see
A beautiful history

I toss and turn and scream
I try to do everything
With two feet on the ground
I just keep falling down again

I feel so far from home
Completely on my own
and then I hear You say,
"I am here, I am here"

Whenever you run away
whenever you lose you're faith
It's just another stroke of
the pen on the page
A lonely ray of hope
Is all that you need to see
A beautiful history

Romans 7: 14-25

One day a few weeks ago, I was talking to Fr. Greg and I explained to him how frustrating all this is. Told him I do exactly what I don't want to do. He said, "Catherine. Go look at Romans 7:15. You'll see why." So I did. Here's the passage that Romans 7:15 is in.

The Conflict of Two Natures
14For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin
15For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.
16But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with (AF)the Law, confessing that the Law is good.
17So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.
18For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not.
19For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want.
20But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.
21I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good.
22For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man,
23but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members.
24Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?
25Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.

My fight is one between flesh and spirit, emotion and reason. It depends on what's happened during the day for which one to be stronger. A lot of times, my flesh/emotion is stronger...When I have an impulse and my reason is not the stronger, I usually end up cutting. A lot of times they're about equal and I can reason that if I do it, my life's going to be a living hell for a while. Sometimes, the emotion is stronger and I long for the relief.

I've been looking over this passage a lot lately, trying to stay strong. I failed last night. I cut. But here's the thing...It was on my upper arm, not on my forearm where my tattoo is. I guess it's kinda working. When I told Fr. Greg how ashamed I am of my scars, he said, "Look at that tattoo, no further down your arm. YOU ARE LOVED!" My scars from cutting are my battle scars. They remind me I'm alive and I've been through some crap, but I'm pretty sure, one day, I'll quit looking further down my arm than my tattoo.

My Guardian Angel

So after all the craziness of last night, something amazing happened. After my previous post, I lay down on my bed, turned my iPod on (to Skillet's song "The Last Night"), and started praying. I begged God to make the impulses go away. Then I remembered something my friend Mel said earlier, right before we prayed our Consecration for the day. She was talking about guardian angels and if we'd ever asked ours what his/her name is. To be totally honest, I haven't thought about mine in a long time. Then I thought, (excuse the profanity) "Shit...my guardian angel probably does a whole lot for me. He's probably kept me from not cutting too deep over the last year and a half. He's probably a big reason I haven't accidentally killed myself." Then I kinda prayed to my guardian angel, "If you're here, I really want to know your name." The very first name that popped into my head was Eli. I don't know why. I don't know anyone named Eli and I haven't heard that name in forever. Then I thought, "Okay, Eli, if that's your name, I really need you to help me. Please, make the impulses go away." Then, almost instantaneously, I fell asleep. I started to wake up after my roommate came back. After I woke up, the impulse was gone. I kinda wonder what went on while I was asleep. Maybe my guardian angel fought off the demons that were telling me to cut. I really don't know. Thank God I have a guardian angel because I'm pretty sure he kept me from cutting last night. When I woke up at around 2:30am, I prayed to my guardian angel, "If your name isn't Eli, let me know what it really is while I'm asleep." I didn't get another name while I was asleep.

But I've been thinking a lot about him today. I thanked him for never letting me cut too deep. I asked him to keep me safe today, because I know tonight's going to be hard because my roommate won't be here for a while tonight.

"The magnitude of life is overwhelming. Angels are here to help us take it peace by peace." -Levende Waters

Is It Worth It?

I'm fighting one of the strongest impulses I've had in a long time. It started after Mass this evening and went through dinner. I've been doing my best to stay out of my room because I don't trust myself right now. I prayed the second day of my Consecration to Mary and then stayed in the chapel until Vespers. Now I'm in my room, trying to stay strong. I've been working on homework to try and stay distracted, but now that I'm done, I don't really know what to do. My roommate's not here, so I'm on the verge of texting one of my friends to have them come over. I don't really know why I want to cut. I know that if I do, my life's going to be a living hell for the next few weeks, but right now, I just want the relief. Fr. Greg texted me the other day saying that I need to remember how much worse giving in to the impulse makes my life. I'm trying to remember that, but it's just so hard. All I want to do is drag the blade across my forearm and see the blood. I know that it's going to make things worse, but the relief is all I want. It's so frustrating. I think I'm just going to go to the chapel and pray.

My Family

As I sit here in the Westin Hotel in downtown Pittsburgh, I realized how blessed I am. I have an amazing family. My parents are so loving and have supported me in every move in my life. They think I quit cutting over a year ago, but I don't have the heart to tell them it was only 2 weeks ago that I quit. But they are so, so amazing. Okay. Back to spending time with them!!!!

Ash Wednesday

Well, tomorrow begins the liturgical season of Lent, so I figured I'd share what I'm doing to help my relationship with the Lord. First of all, I'm giving up cutting. That might sound kinda weird, but I'm hoping that this is the initiative I need to quit once and for all. I'm also going to do my best to go to daily Mass and pray the Rosary. I'm also consecrating myself to Jesus through Mary with some friends, which I'm totally excited about. I'm really looking forward to this Lent because I'm looking to totally renew my relationship with the Lord.

"Sinful men and women can be changed into new creatures by the marvelous work of God in Christ Jesus, which is prior to all experience." -Oswald Chambers

I Finally Did It!

I finally did what I've been wanting to do for the last 3 years...I got the word "Love" tattooed in white ink on my forearm. My friends Kristine, Linda, Travis, and Rose went with me. It was so great for them to be there. They went to support me in both getting the tattoo as well as what it stands for. They all know my struggle with cutting and they want to help me stop. I'm so happy to finally have this tattoo. The main reason I got it is because now whenever I want to cut, I have the word "Love" permanently written on my arm and I will remember I am loved. Whenever I feel like I'm not loved, I will remember that there is someone out there who loves me.

I also got to start out my Valentine's Day in the most incredible way...I got to go to Midnight Mass with the women of Franciscan University and with the Man who loves me more than anything...Jesus Christ!!!! It's been a phenomenal day!

What I've Overcome - Fireflight

HOLY CRAP!!! This song is absolutely incredible! I literally just listened to it for the first time and was freakin' blown away. Can you tell? Haha. Fireflight's new album came out on Tuesday and I listened to it today. Their song "What I've Overcome" is just SOOO GOOD!!!!!!!!!

\

I've got this passion
It's something I can't describe
It's so electric
It's like I've just come alive
I feel this freedom now that my past is erased
I feel the healing
I've found the meaning of grace
(I've found grace)

If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars
Funny how words can't explain
How good it feels to finally break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome

I know I stumble
I know I still face defeat
This second chance is what will define me
I'm moving forward
I'm standing on my two feet
I've got momentum
I've got someone saving me

If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars
It's Funny how words can't explain
How good it feels to finally break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome

I make mistakes and I might fall
But I won't break
I've got someone saving me

If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars
It's Funny how words can't explain
How good it finally feels to break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome
I'm what I've overcome
I'm what I've overcome

A Support System Rooted In Christ

Last night, I realized how truly amazing my friends here at Franciscan are. I have to give my testimony in my Intro to Catechetics class tomorrow morning, so I needed to practice doing it without reading it off the paper, like I normally do when I give it. So I asked a few of my friends if they'd be willing to listen to it. They instantaneously agreed, so we went to one of the dorms' common room and I had everyone sit down. Then I just spilled my heart out to them. I'm not going to lie, I was kind of hesitant because a lot of people don't know how to handle self-injury, but I felt like I could trust these 7 people. When I was finished, they gave me some constructive criticism and then my friend Mel asked if they could pray over me. I said "Of course!" and Travis, Nick, Josh, Jessica, Kristine, Linda, and Mel then placed their hands on me. Mel led an amazing, touching prayer and I started to tear up. Even though I've only known these people a little over a month, I cannot figure out how I lived my life without them...I guess I really wasn't living my life without them. When Mel was done praying, we all sat down and talked. Josh asked a little more about Fr. Greg and it turns out Josh knows him. Josh is from Maryland, near St. Andrew's, which is where Fr. Greg used to be the parochial vicar. But then Josh made a amazing point, there is a support system here that is rooted in Christ, and that's what I was missing at Xavier. I had a support system, but something was missing. I've found it here, in an incredible support system rooted in Christ. My life is so much better, even though I've only been here a month. I feel better, my relationship with God is improving day by day, and I'm becoming a better person. I threw away my last blade the other day and now that I have friends who know, they've promised to be my accountability people. I'm so happy to be here and I cannot wait to see what else God has in store for my life!! :)

What Ifs

First of all, Mass today was AWESOME!!!!!! Fr. Rick was the main celebrant and Fr. Calloway con-celebrated. Two very holy men...very cool. In Fr. Rick's homily today, he talked about having to take risks. I have somewhat of a problem taking risks. You might not guess that, but I do. I had a massive freak out right before I switched high schools and I had quite the freak out before I came here to Franciscan. Heck, I even dyed my hair pink last night. Haha. Just the tips, but it looks really sweet :) But back to what I was talking about. Fr. Rick said doing the safe thing never accomplished anything. He's so right. I've been stressing out about getting a counselor here on campus because I've had so many problems with ones in the past. I still have yet to turn in the paperwork, but I'm working on it. I'm thinking of giving it to a friend to turn in for me. Chances are, I won't do it, knowing how things could turn out. But Fr. Rick's homily was exactly what I needed to hear. It was really encouraging. I guess we'll see.

Here's a song that's really touched my life. I saw Nichole Nordeman in concert with Casting Crowns before I truly believed in God. This song really helps me when I'm struggling with doubt.





What if you're right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you're right?
What if it's true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it's true?

What if he takes his place in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?

But what if you're wrong?
What if there's more?
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends?
What if you dig?
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions down inside?
That's all you find.

What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Than folklore that must be told and retold?

But what if you're wrong?
What if there's more?
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

You've been running as fast as you can
You've been looking for a place you can land for so long...
But what if you're wrong?

An Interesting Night...

The weirdest thing ever happened to me today. I went to Confession tonight because I cut myself last night. I confessed to Fr. Rick that I'd been struggling with cutting and that I'm extremely hesitant to get help. He explained to me that the counseling center here is pretty good and really encouraged me to call them. Well, I guess I'll be calling the counseling center tomorrow. Here's where it gets weird...After I walked out of the chapel, I instantly felt like crap. I felt like I hadn't even gone to Confession. It was so bad. I almost started to cry. It was the craziest feeling ever. I wanted to cut so bad as soon as I left the chapel. So of course, my having no self-control led to me cutting tonight. It's getting really frustrating. Satan's got a hold of my thinking. He makes me think I'm worthless and not worthy of God's love, which is completely untrue. Fr. Greg told me last week that I've gotta quit believing the lies. I know I do, but really, I can't help it. I'm constantly going back to the blade.

Right now, the song "Savior, Please" by Josh Wilson is playing on my iTunes. It's basically going to be my prayer for tonight. Here are the lyrics.

Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last


I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have

Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me