"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

This was a post Fr. Greg put on his blog on Wednesday, March 25, 2009, titled "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" The college student he refers to in the middle of the post is me.

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

One of our teens has asked me to post the reflection I gave at Youth Group this past Sunday night during Adoration. “YG Junkie”, thanks for asking and glad that you liked it; here it is, more or less:
Before I begin the Scriptural meditation, I have to say that you all are…amazing! It is amazing that there are over 40 of you here for Adoration. Some of you only come out for Adoration! And, you bring your friends. This is not normal. Not every youth group does this. This is extraordinary! I’ve told you before that I’ve worked with teens for many years now, and I’ve never seen this. Not only do you come here in great numbers, but you come here in great respect and reverence. When you came in here, you did it in silence and with reverence. You all are great! You inspire us adults and you please Jesus so much when you come to Adoration. It is so awesome!
As we prepare for Christ’s passion in a few weeks, I thought it was fitting to focus on one of the words that Christ’s says from the Cross: “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” This is from Matthew’s Gospel, chapter 27:
“From noon onward, darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon. And about three o'clock Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Some of the bystanders who heard it said, "This one is calling for Elijah." Immediately one of them ran to get a sponge; he soaked it in wine, and putting it on a reed, gave it to him to drink. But the rest said, ‘Wait, let us see if Elijah comes to save him.’ But Jesus cried out again in a loud voice, and gave up his spirit” (vs. 45-50).
I‘ve been talking with one of the college students who stayed here during the March for Life in January. She has been struggling for a while with cutting herself and depression and thoughts of suicide. She is trying so hard to move away from all of it. She has said on more than one occasion, “God, where are you in all of this?” She has been asking for Him to help her move away from this dangerous habit. She has been saying what Jesus said from the Cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" It is a phrase that I hear not just from college or high school students, but also from adults.
Jesus wasn’t forsaken or abandoned by the Father. He is always in union with the Father. But, in his human nature, he experienced what many people feel: that God has abandoned them. God abandons no one, but many people feel that He has.
Many people have been abandoned by others. They have been rejected, isolated and feel lonely and depressed. Mother Teresa said that this is the greatest suffering there is. Jesus enters into this and unites himself with all of those who have been abandoned or rejected by others and feel lonely and depressed. He went to the depths of human suffering and felt every human pain there is. So, Christ is in union with those who feel this way; and, they are in union with Him.

There is a girl from my first youth group who I am still good friends with. She married her high school sweetheart at age 24. Three years into her marriage, she and her husband were driving down the road early one morning. The car went off the road out of control and hit a tree head-on at sixty miles an hour. He died instantly and she barely survived; the motor of the car came into the front seat and lacerated her ribs. She has made a miraculous recovery.
About a year after the tragic accident, she and I were talking about everything. She said it is so hard because she feels all alone. “There aren’t any 27 year old widows who I can talk to. There is no one who understands what I am going through”, she said. I said, “Shannon, Jesus knows what you are going through. He experienced every human pain there is on the Cross. He is the only one who knows what you’re going through; and, you know what He went through. You are right there with Him on the Cross”. She would say later that it was one of the two most powerful conversations she’s ever had.
When Shannon was in your position in high school, she hadn’t experienced any real kind of suffering and probably thought that a talk like this didn’t apply to her. In whatever way you all are suffering now or will suffer in the future, Christ has experienced it and is always with you. He knows what you are going through and you know what he went through. He mourns for you and for the sorrows in your life. He wants to share in your sorrows and in your joys.
He wants you to dump all of your crap on Him in Adoration – all of the tough stuff that is going on in your life. Just give it all to Him.
He says, “come to me all you who labor and are heavy burdened, and I will give you rest” (Mt 11:28). Come to me all you who labor and are lonely, depressed, isolated, rejected, stressed out, angry, and abandoned…and I will give you rest.
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When I saw this, it really hit me hard. It made me realize that my story could help people. Fr. Greg told me that a girl who had admitted to him that she'd been cutting stayed and prayed for a while after their Adoration time was over. As weird as it sounds, it kinda makes it worth it.

Surgery

I went to the doctor today and found out that I have 2 quite large tears in 2 different tendons in my ankle and an accessory bone embedded in one of the tendons. Therefore, I have to have surgery to repair the tendons and remove the accessory bone. I'm having the surgery on Tuesday, which means I'll be missing a decent amount of school, 10 days at the very least, but the doctor estimated that it'd be at least 3 weeks. I'm not to worried about the surgery. I had a tendon repair done on my other ankle 3 1/2 years ago and it wasn't too bad. I'm just worried about missing so much school.

I think this is basically the break from Xavier I've needed. This is pretty much mandatory. I'm pretty sure this is God screaming in my face so that I slow down. I think I'll end up coming back after Thanksgiving, but I really don't know. I'm young and in good health, so maybe I'll be back even earlier. Who knows? All I can do right now is pray for the success of the surgery and pray that my recovery time is the break I need. I guess we'll see how things go.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10

The Last Night - Skillet

This song literally saved my life.

The Last Night - Skillet



You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine
But I know it's a lie.

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you'll spend alone,
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go,
I'm everything you need me to be.

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you they don't know you at all
I'm so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie.

The last night away from me

The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand I will help you hold on
Tonight,
Tonight.

I won't let you say goodbye,
I'll be your reason why.

The last night away from me,
Away from me.

My Life Is Average

If you've never heard of My Life Is Average, I'd definitely recommend checking it out at mylifeisaverage.com It's hysterical. Today there was one of the best posts I've ever seen:

Today, I was sitting in Mass. All of a sudden, I noticed a little boy crawling up the center aisle towards the altar. His dad then ran up, grabbed him, and stormed out while the boy yelled "BUT I LOVE GOD!" You go, future priest. MLIA.

I love it :)

Slowing Down

So I figured I'd share with you something that happened while I was getting the MRI on Saturday. Because with MRIs you have to be as still as possible, all I could do was just lay there. I've been thinking a lot about why this is happening to me now. It's like I've got WAY too much going on right now to have to deal with being in constant pain and facing the possibility of having surgery. Well, as I lay on the MRI table, I started praying and I feel like God was telling me that He's telling me to slow down and rely on Him. I've been trying to go without God for a while now and obviously it's not working. I was up until 5am Saturday morning because I was in so much pain. I was just crying and praying, begging God to make the pain stop. Well, He didn't, but that was the first time I've said a serious prayer in a long time. It's hard for me to try and rely on other people. I'm so independent and HATE asking for help. When I ask for help, I feel like I'm a burden to the other person and I really don't like burdening people. As a result of my being so independent, I think that's why I used to think I can do this without God, which totally isn't true. I'm nothing without God. So I'm trying to slow down and let things work out the way God wants them to.

“And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.’” -Revelation 21:3-4

PostSecret

So I went to get an MRI on my ankle this morning. It went well and I go back to the doctor on Wednesday for the results. On the way back from the MRI place, my mom and I stopped at the bookstore and I bought the new Post Secret book called "Post Secret: Confessions on Life, Death, and God" and yes, I have finished reading it already. Haha.

As I was about halfway through it, I came to the realization that there was a chance that one of my secrets could be in the book. I sent 2 secrets to the author, Frank Warren, over the summer and I was thinking that maybe the one I sent in about God was in the book. Then I came to the realization that it probably wasn't in there because Frank probably already had all the secrets picked out before I even sent mine in. I was extremely relieved when it wasn't. I don't know why because my secret is completely true and it was a huge relief once I sent it in. It's nothing like me being secretly atheist or something. That'd be bad. It was about God and cutting. Maybe one day I'll admit what that secret is on here, but unless it shows up on PostSecret.com on a random Sunday or in a one of the Post Secret books, it'll be a while. It was extremely hard to make that post card I sent Frank, but like I said, it was a huge relief to know that now someone else besides me knew it.

If you've never read any of the Post Secret books or looked at the secrets Frank Warren posts every Sunday on PostSecret.com, check them out. Finding out about Post Secret changed my life. It made me realize I'm not alone in some of the issues I have.

"Every single person has at least one secret that would break your heart. If we could just remember this, I think there would be a lot more compassion and tolerance in the world." -Frank Warren

You Were On The Cross - Matt Maher

The first time I heard this song, it made me cry. Fr. Greg had said something to me on the phone once that is a lot like this song. He said, "Catherine, Jesus saw you cutting while He was on the cross, but He died for you anyway." I stopped dead in my tracks and started crying. This song by Matt Maher is a reminder of Fr. Greg's statement that night. It's a constant reminder that there isn't anything I could do that would make God love me less.



Lost.
Everything is lost
And everything I’ve loved before is gone
Alone, like the coming of the frost
And a cold winter's chill in my stony heart

Where were You when all that I’ve hoped for
Where were You when all that I’ve dreamed
Came crashing down in shambles around me
You were on the cross

Pain.
Could You take away the pain
If I find someone to blame
Would it make my life seem easier
Alone, all my friends are asleep
And I can't find anyone to stay awake with me

And where were You when sin stole my innocence
Where were You when I was ashamed
Hiding in a life I wish I’d never made

You were on the cross
My God, my God
All along, all along
You were on the cross
You died for us
All along, all along
You were on the cross
Victorious
All along, all along

You were there in all my suffering
You were there in doubt and fear
I'm waiting on the dawn to reappear

My Spiritual Dark Night

The last couple hours have been full of a lot of thinking about God. I'm not really sure why, that's the funny thing. I was thinking a lot about my favorite Scripture passages. Some of my favorite passages include:

"Let no one have contempt for your youth, but set an example for those who believe, in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity." -1 Timothy 4:12

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” -Psalm 147:3

I love the story of the Prodigal Son, as I can pretty much see myself as the son so many different times in my life.

I've been going through a spiritual dark night for a while and I'm hoping that's going to change soon. I would do ANYTHING to feel God's presence in my life again. Even though I've been in this dark night for quite a while, I still do everything that I can to remain a faithful Catholic. I say the Rosary quite often, I go on retreats, I pray when I can, I listen to Christian music, go to Adoration when it's offered on campus, and try to live the way God would want me to. Yeah, things have been really rough over the last year, but I'm working on it. Last year when my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer, I was so pissed at God that I pretty much quit everything that was God related. The only thing I did was go to Mass on Sunday and just sat there. I wouldn't even bother to respond to the prayers I've heard every Sunday for the last 19 years. It was BAD. Then, when I went on the March for Life in January, my life was forever changed when I met Fr. Greg. The group from Xavier stayed overnight at his church. I talked to him about everything that had been going on and he asked if he could pray over me. Let me tell you, that was the most amazing prayer I've ever heard and I truly could feel the power of God that night. Yeah, I still struggle every day with my faith, but now, I thank God for my struggle because I know that one day, something's going to change and all this pain will be worth it because I will know the true healing power of God. I know all this is for a reason. I might find out the reason tomorrow or in a year or 10 years down the road, but I'm finally starting to be okay with that. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that the reason I started self-injuring when I was in high school was because as a result of changing high schools and joining my church's youth group, I met God for the first time. The circumstances are pretty much the same this time around...the middle of my sophomore year, changing schools, self-injury. I wonder if God's got some amazing thing planned for me once I arrive at Franciscan. How cool would that be: to be at an extremely holy university studying what I love and to meet God all over again. Man, I can't wait for January to come!!!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Amen

Thank God For Friends

Three posts in one day...Yeah, it's just been one of those crazy days. I just cut and I'm feeling better, yet worse. I'm crying my eyes out right now because I've been talking to my amazing friend John. I admitted to him that I just cut and he gave me some massive tough love. Here's what he said, "Right now you need to choose. I'm making you choose...me or the blade...your friends or the blade...life or the blade...the decision is yours. I'll always be here for you, but I'm not going to hurt you." At that point, I started crying because I know he's right. I can't keep doing this: turning to the blade every time something goes wrong. Accidents happen, he reminded me. I don't want to accidentally slip and cut too deep. I don't want to die. I've got too much to live for...I could NEVER to that to my family, especially my little sister, or my friends, and I have so much to look forward to at Franciscan (that is if I get in). I'm done. No more. John was right. I've made my choice. I responded to John's tough love with this: "You, John. I want you, my friends, family, and LIFE. Fuck the blade. It's only ever hurt me. It's never done anything for me except make my life fucking miserable." So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do everything I can to stop cutting.

A priest once told me that if you ask God to do anything in His name it will happen, so tonight, I'm praying that in God's name, I get the strength and perseverance I need to stop cutting for good.

Whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. -John 14:13

When She Cries - Britt Nicole

I found this when I was messing around on YouTube today and WOW...It made me cry.



Little girl terrified
She'd leave her room if only bruises would heal
A home is no place to hide
Her heart is breaking from the pain that she feels

Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She wonders why, does anyone ever hear her when she cries

Today she's turning sixteen
Everyone singing, but she can't seem to smile
They never get past arms length
How could they act like everything is alright?
She's pulling down her long sleeves
To cover all the memories that scars leave
She says, "Maybe making me bleed
will be the answer that could wash the slate clean."

Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She wonders why, does anyone ever hear her when she cries

This is the dark before the dawn
The storm before the peace
Don't be afraid 'cause seasons change and
God is watching over you
He hears you

Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She'll be just fine, cause now he hears her when she cries

Every day's the same
She fights to find her way
She hurts, she breaks, she hides, and tries to pray
She'll be just fine, cause now he hears her when she cries
She'll be just fine, cause now he hears her when she cries

Drama, Drama, Drama

Wow...I can't even explain how CRAZY yesterday was. Everything came crashing down. I haven't cried that much in a long time...Surprisingly enough, I didn't cut. I didn't because I promised my best friend I wouldn't. Right now, I'm just praying that I NEVER have a day like yesterday ever again. Fr. Graham, the president of Xavier, said during a homily once that he says a 4 word prayer multiple times a day: Keep me going, Lord. I seriously think I've said this prayer 20 times already today and it's only 10:30am. I'm sure I'll get to 100 by physics lab this afternoon. Haha. I realized yesterday that I can't wait to leave Xavier. I'm SO ready to go to Franciscan. I know there's a lot less drama there. I wish I was there now, but the next 9 weeks will go fast enough, I'm sure.

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. -Matthew 6:34

I Cut Last Night

Well, my happiness came to a quick halt last night. I have what I like to call an "OH SHIT!" moment. I applied to Franciscan last night and then I thought "Oh shit! What am I doing?" I know I'm going to continue to have those moments. Because of everything that was going on last night, I cut. It was a relief of all the stress. I didn't know what else to do. I called Fr. Robert and he got me calmed down enough to go to Mass but after Mass, everything came crashing down.

I'm on the verge of cutting right now. I'm just really stressed because if this and now I've got other drama in my life. Chances are, no matter what, I'll probably cut again tonight. I'm having trouble getting my homework done because of the impulses. I guess we'll see...

It's been a while...

Sorry. I know it's been a while. Well, last Sunday I talked to my parents about transferring and my dad said something I NEVER expected to hear. I said to him "Dad...I think I need to leave Xavier" and he goes "Yeah..I've been waiting for this conversation." I realized that dads know EVERYTHING, even when you haven't seen him in weeks.

Well, I visited Franciscan University of Steubenville yesterday and absolutely fell in love with it. It's UBER Catholic, my kinda place. Haha. I will be applying soon. Steubenville is such a holy place, it's AMAZING!!!!! I cannot wait. I'm pretty sure I won't have any trouble getting in. The head of the Catechetics Department, who I met yesterday, seemed to think it'll just be a few weeks until I find out. If I did get in, I'll be starting there next semester. While visiting campus, I ran into my friend Sam who transferred to Franciscan from Xavier at the beginning of this year. She knew I was coming to campus, but my dad and I ran into her when we were walking into the library. It was hilarious. We were like "WAIT!!! IT'S YOU!!!!" It made me smile. On my way home yesterday, I texted her and told her thanks for showing me around and letting me see her dorm room. She sent me a text back that I will never forget. She said "Girl, thanks for following your heart even though it's hard! You'll love it here!!" I'm so excited and I can't wait to be a Baron!!! :)

Oh, and I haven't cut in 8 days and I don't plan on cutting again anytime soon :)

Falling, yet again

Even though this weekend was amazing, I've gotten extremely overwhelmed and, as much as I regret it, I've cut and REALLY bad. Now that it's cold and I can wear long sleeves, my forearm is all slashed up. I even went to the point of carving the word "failure" into my wrist. This to me is a sign that I can't wait much longer to talk to my parents about transferring schools. I'm scared because I know that if something doesn't change, I'm not going to live to graduate college. Last night, I did everything I know to do to keep myself distracted. I said the St. Michael the Archangel Prayer like 10 times. It's a totally kick-ass prayer. It goes like this: St. Michael the Archangel,defend us in battle. Be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the Devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray, and do thou, O Prince of the heavenly hosts, by the power of God, thrust into hell Satan, and all the evil spirits, who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.

So yeah, it's been a shitty last few days, but I'm moving on. I cut so now it's time to start over again.

Storm - Lifehouse

I stumbled upon this song when I was screwing around on YouTube today. It's AMAZING. It's called "Storm" by Lifehouse.



How long have I
Been in this storm
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything will be alright
If I'd see you
The storminess will turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright
And everything will be alright

I know you didn't
Bring me out here to drown
So why am I 10 feet under and upside down?
Barely surviving has become my purpose
'Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything will be alright
If I see you
The storminess will turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright

And I will walk on water
You will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
Everything's alright.