A Long Night

I’m hurting. A lot. For many, many reasons. I’m in a really rough spot with my depression and have been for a while now. Last night was the first time I cried myself to sleep in a very long time. I was sobbing, crying out to Jesus from the depths of my soul. I’m tired of pretending to be okay and be strong. My relationship with God sucks right now and has for the last couple months. I don’t want to pray, I don’t want to go to Mass. In fact, most of the time I don’t want anything do to with Him.

The tears were caused by many things. Not being in Romania is one reason. Being triggered by something I saw on Pinterest is another thing(It's funny. I get triggered everytime I'm on there. Maybe I just shouldn't go on there anymore). I haven't reached out to anyone to talk about stuff in a while. I think that's a big part of it. I really don't have any friends I feel like I can really trust with my whole heart here at home. That being said, I miss my Franciscan friends horribly. I know where my dad keeps the utility blades now. He's out of town for a couple days, so the blades won't be moving. I know when he gets back I can ask him to move them, but just knowing they're sitting there is driving me insane right now. There are A LOT of other things going on right now, but I'm not going to get into them. 

I don’t need lecturing. I don’t need criticism. I don’t need preaching to. I need love, but most especially prayers.

I went to my little brother's grave for the first time in like 10 years today. Last night, in my prayer, God showed me that I needed to go. I've been meaning to go for a while, but just never did. Everyday, I wish he was still here. I never got to meet him. My heart aches for him a lot. This morning, it was freezing cold as I walked through the cemetery. It took me a few minutes to find his grave, but once I did, I fell on my knees and just started crying. I talked to him. I said things I have needed to say to him for years. I said things I have needed to say to God for a long time. After 20 minutes of crying and praying in the cold, I got back in the car. As I turned on the engine, "By Your Side" by Tenth Ave North came on the radio. I started crying again. All the tears were healing tears. I'm really glad I went to the cemetery.  

Healing is not an instantaneous, unless God will that it is. My healing is a process. Please pray that I can continue to persevere and be strong. 

Sorry this is so insanely all over the place. 

A Post By Megan

First of all, Merry Christmas. It's 7am here in Ohio and I'm still slightly jet lagged, so that's why I am awake. We agreed that we'd get up at 8:30 to do gifts, so I have to wait. Hahaha. May the newborn Christ child bring you hope, joy, and especially peace.

I want to share with you a blog post written by one of the WONDERFUL students that came on mission to Romania in October. Her name is Megan and I am so blessed to have been able to share my love of Romania with someone like her. She is a student at Belmont Abbey College and transferred to Franciscan just for the semester so that she could study abroad in Austria. She is someone with an amazing heart. Check out her blog post about her experience on mission in Romania:

http://createdforhim3.blogspot.com/2012/12/romania.html

Megan had a similar experience to what I had, but it was in my experience that I found my calling to missionary life. I'd never been on a mission trip before and actually, I had no idea where Romania was. I agreed to go before I even looked at a map to find it. I cannot be more grateful to God for His leading me to Romania in April 2011 and His guidance in establishing a permanent mission in Romania and now - the new orphanage! It was while in Romania that I found my purpose in life. I knew God created me to love on these babies for more than just a week while on a mission trip. He has called me to this for at least the next few years.

My Heart Hurts

The only way to describe what's going on right now is to say that my heart hurts. There is so many things that my heart is just breaking over right now.

I leave Romania in a mere 2 weeks. I will only be in the States for like 2 months, but I don't want to go home. I feel like I'm doing something good with my life here. At home...not so much. I'm going to be doing fundraising for the new orphanage, but still. It's gonna be hard not being with the kids.

I just finished this AWESOME book called "Redeeming Love" that was recommended to me by someone in Austria. It took me 4 days to read the whole book. It's a novel based on the story of the prophet Hosea, and seriously. Every single person should read it. But, in reading it, it put an even worse longing in my heart for the spousal love that I finding myself longing for. It's ridiculous. I've never felt such a desire for that love before, but it's there. Maybe it's God reminding me how much I need him. I don't know. It's just got me down. Reminds me of some Tenth Ave. lyrics: "Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?" '

Still struggling with the urge to cut, but hanging strong. 13 days from now, I will be one year clean.

A Weird Spot

Not really feeling like explaining in detail what's going on, but everything that could be going wrong seems to be doing just that. I miss my ex like crazy (which that relationship was SO unhealthy it’s not even funny), my depression’s coming back hardcore, the urge to self-injure has returned too. It’s bad. And after a 3-hour talk and cry session with one of the Franciscan priests at FUS’ campus in Austria, he told me that if things get worse than they are, I need to end my mission work early and go home because I have absolutely no resources here. 

I don’t want to go home early. At least here in Romania I feel like I’m doing something positive with my life. If I go home...well, it's not gonna end well.  Please just pray I can make it through the next couple weeks.

Tenth Ave North’s lyrics seem to be a pretty good fit for how I’m feeling: “I’m tired. I’m worn. My heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve let my hope fail. My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world. And I know that you can give me rest, so I cry out with all that I have left: Let me see Redemption win, let me know the struggle ends, that you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn. I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life and all that’s dead inside can be reborn ‘cause I’m worn.”

A Different Person

I just finished reading my blog all the way through from the very beginning. Holy shit. I am a completely different person than I used to be and thank God for that. I hate the person I used to be. The person that I was when I first started college...I don't even know who that person was. She was crazy and I honestly say that I hate who I used to be. I am who I am and the only person I care what they think of me is the Lord. I live my life for His glory and for no one else.

As I was reading through it, some of the blog posts, I can almost put myself in the exact spot I was when I was writing them, whether it was at Xavier in my dorm room, or at home after I had ankle surgery, or at Franciscan, or even studying in Austria. And with being able to do that, I was also able to remember exactly how I felt at that moment. It was weird. I know this sounds really messed up, but part of me misses when I was cutting. I became comfortable in my addiction. That's why it was so hard for me to stop. Part of me misses the crippling depression. As much as I hated the feeling, I became used to it.

I am still afraid to tell myself I'm happy. I'm afraid that it will all be stripped away as soon as I do. I love what I do, but life as a missionary isn't perfect. I promise you that. I have struggled with prayer IMMENSELY since being here. We can thank the enemy for that one, but he can F off because the battle's already been won. My chains are gone and I'm never taking them back.

I'm taking a vacation from mission work and going to visit Franciscan's Austrian campus next week for Thanksgiving. I'm really looking forward to being with some Americans and to visit the place where my life was changed forever :)

Where Things Are At

So, lots has been going on in Romania. First, the big announcement I shared via Facebook last week: Fr. Remus (the Romanian priest I work for) and I are going to start a Catholic orphanage here in Turt and I'm going to be the director. That means I'm going to be in Romania for a while and I am BEYOND pumped about it. I never would have imagined that the idea Fr. Remus and I had been throwing around for a while would actually begin to become a reality.  Second, 2 groups of Franciscan students came from Austria to Romania for mission trips. It was a huge blessing for me to have some Americans around for a few days.

Here's where things get hard. I am the only person my age in the town I live in. It's a common thing in Romania that when a person graduates high school, they MIGHT go to college, but they are more likely to move abroad to work. So, that means I am the only person around my age here. I have some friends in the high school and I have Fr. Remus' wife (he's a Greek Catholic/Byzantine rite priest, so he can be married. Stop freaking out) and I am so grateful for her. She's a wonderful woman who is so much fun to be with. Then there is Claudia, who is 29 and one of my favorite people ever. But, it's just been rough lately being the only person my age. I'm hoping and praying that another person wants to come here long term. I could really use having a person or 2 around to help me out, especially when the new orphanage stuff is going on.

I also just have this longing in my heart to be loved. I know that the kids love me and the people I serve love me, but there is just this want for spousal love. It's ridiculous. I people I know getting engaged or married and I can't help but want that. I know God's love is sufficient and all that, but I can't help but want to be loved like that. I know that God's put it on hold so I can serve the people of Romania with all my heart, but I just can't help it sometimes.

I love my job so much and it is so rewarding. Sometimes though, it gets lonely, but I keep on pressing on through the rough times like I always do.

A mere 32 days from today, I will be one year clean of cutting. And 2 days after that, I head home to Cincinnati for Christmas. I will be coming back to Romania the first week of February.

"Missionary zeal does not grow out of intellectual beliefs, nor out of theological arguments, but out of love." -Rolland Allen

Moved By Mercy - Matthew West

This song...So good. It's amazing how much this song is my prayer so much of the time and how the Lord always responds this way.

Life in Romania isn't 100% dandy all the time. I have had the Lord show me things that hurt my heart to the point of tears. I have heard stories of the terrors of Communism in this place. I have also had the enemy try to take me back to where I used to be. I'm not 100% better. I stopped cutting 9 1/2 months ago, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it or that the urge is gone. It also doesn't mean the lies don't run rampant in my head at night. They do. I am better than I one was, but I still have a long way to go. I long for the day when I truly believe the lies are lies and that I am worthy to be loved because the Lord made me worthy. But right now, the Lord is using me to love his children who were abandoned by the people He gave them to. So, it's not about me and my shit. It's about the kids at the orphanage and the people in the parish that I minister to.

Lord, let my heart be moved by mercy.

She said “I keep having the same dream 

Close my eyes and I’m chasing a younger me 

Try to wrap my arms around her 

Shield her from the hell that found her 

But I’m always just a little too late 

I see the tears falling down her face 

How come no one protected 

The little girl that the world rejected” 

Oh, where do you go when you can’t go back 

Can’t save the past 

And she cries in the middle of the night 

“Take me far away now 

From this broken place now 

Somewhere they can’t hurt me 

I wanna be moved by Mercy 

Jesus, I can’t see You 

I just know I need You

Help me start a new life 

Let my heart be moved by Mercy” 

“I used to be a future burning bright 

Now I’m just another sleepless night” 

All the hurt that you hide behind that door 

I’m not gonna let it hurt you anymore 

“For so long I thought You abandoned me 

Now I’m starting to see things differently” 

I’m the one who began a good work in you 

And I’m the one who is gonna see it through 

I’ll see you through 

“Take me far away now 

From this broken place now 

Somewhere they can’t hurt me 

I wanna be moved by Mercy 

Jesus, I can’t see You 

I just know I need You

Help me start a new life 

Let my heart be moved by Mercy”

For so long I felt so unworthy 

But in My arms all your shame is moved by mercy 

So here I stand, a child undeserving 

Take My hand and let your life be moved by mercy

“Take me far away now (I'll take you far away)

From this broken place now (From every broken place)

Somewhere they can’t hurt me 

I wanna be moved by Mercy 

Jesus, I can’t see You (I'm watching over you)

I just know I need You (I'm gonna carry you)

Help me start a new life 

Let my heart be moved by Mercy”