A Prayer Full of "Why?"

Lord,

Why am I so afraid to let people love me? Why do I have such a hard time accepting love? Why did I let my insecurities absolutely ruin my friendship/possible relationship with Dan? I know You love me, but why do I still feel like I'm not worthy of anyone's time or their love? Just tonight, I sent Fr. Greg a text asking if he ever regrets telling me the night that we met that I had to call him before I was allowed to cut. I know he loves me. He's never left my side and he just told me that he'd do anything for me. Why do I doubt that he loves me? Lord, so much good could have come from a relationship with Dan, but here I am wondering what it would have been like if for once I stuck around instead of running away from it.

Show me the way, Lord, because I'm not really sure where to go from here.

This is my life...AND I LOVE IT!

Yesterday was my 21st birthday. It was a birthday that, like my 20th birthday, I wasn't sure I'd reach. If you go back to December 24, 2010 about a phone conversation with Fr. Greg, you'll know what I'm talking about. Before Austria, I really didn't know if I'd hit 21. Last night, Fr. Greg called me to wish me a happy birthday and all I could say is "Thank you for helping me see another birthday." He is Christ in my life. I'm not even kidding. I have no idea what I'd do without Fr. Greg. I seriously wouldn't be here. God brought him into my life exactly when I needed to be loved and to be shown the unconditional love of God. Once, I asked Fr. Greg why he put up with me and all of my crap for so long. He all he said was "This is the love of Christ." I was blown away. There really is no reason that he should still be in my life, but he is. And he's shown me more love than any single person ever has. He saved my life, on multiple occasions. I am so beyond blessed to have him as a friend.

I'm back in Steubenville for the rest of the summer and so far, it's been really good. Every night, I've hung out with my friends. There are so many more people here this summer than there was last summer, so it's WAY better. Plus, I'm living off campus in an apartment with one of my friends, so it's been cool to be out of the dorms, because dorm life just drives me nuts now. Today, I was driving back to my apartment and I thought..."This is my life. I go to Franciscan University, the most Catholic college in the world (http://franciscan.edu/News/Extras/Gines-Translation/), I just spent 4 months living in Europe, I have the most incredible people in the world in my life, and a God who loves me SO much that His Son DIED a horrifyingly brutal death so I could be in union with Him." I started to cry. God is just so good. That's all I can say. He's blessed me in so many ways and as many times as I've wanted to give up, He hasn't let me.

"So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." -Ephesians 3:17-19

Control - JJ Heller

The cut is deep, but never deep enough for me
It doesn't hurt enough to make me forget
One moment of relief is never long enough
To keep the voices in my head
From stealing my peace

Oh, control
It's time, time to let you go

Perfection has a price
But I cannot afford to live that life
It always ends the same; a fight I never win
Oh, control
It's time, time to let you go

I'm letting go of the illusion
I'm letting go of the confusion
I can't carry it another step
I close my eyes and take a breath
I'm letting go, letting go

There were scars before my scars
Love written on the hands that hung the stars
Hope living in the blood that was spilled for me

Oh, control
It's time, time to let you go...
Control
It's time, time to let you go 

Mission Trip to Romania

It's been 2 months since I've been to Romania. My heart longs to be reunited with Fr. Remus and the people we served. I realized that I'd never posted anything about the mission trip that turned my life upside down. I had no idea that this mission trip would be one of the first steps in breaking my addiction to cutting. For a week, I didn't once think about myself. It was all about the kids at the orphanage and the people of Turt. Here's my post from my Austria blog.


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When I arrived in Romania, I had no idea what to expect, but I had absolutely no idea that my world was going to be rocked so hard by a small Greek Catholic parish and by a 5-year-old boy named Codrutz and a 9-year-old boy named Bennie. My heart aches because we had to leave. We arrived in Romania hoping to lead people closer to Christ. In the process, they led us closer to Him. Turt, Romania and the Romanian people will always hold a special place in my heart.

It started out with me, Joe, Bill, and Katie arriving on Saturday night in Satu Mare, Romania. We walked out of the train station and were met by Fr. Remus. We drove about an hour and a half to the small farming town of Turt. We stayed in an apartment building near the center of town. On Sunday, we went to the Divine Liturgy (It was a Greek Catholic Church, so it’s not Mass. It’s a Byzantine Rite Liturgy) and then planned the Sunday night catechesis. Bill talked about the Holy Spirit and then the people asked us questions. On Sunday night, the two other members of our team arrived.

Each day began with our team praying Morning Prayer, going to Liturgy, and then having breakfast at Fr. Remus’ apartment. After those 3 things, we would talk about the schedule for the day and go out and take on the world. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, we visited the orphanage in the next town over. It was amazing. These kids were so happy to see us. They had so much joy and were so much fun. There were 2 kids I really clicked with: Codrutz and Bennie. Even though we couldn’t understand each other, I was able to love them and they loved me. It changed my life forever.

On Wednesday and Friday evenings, we did prayer ministry after the Stations of the Cross. We first explained to the parishioners what prayer ministry was (thanks to translating by Fr. Remus) and surprisingly, we prayed over people for an hour and a half. Everyone in the church came up to be prayed over. It was awesome. The Lord definitely worked in peoples’ hearts that night. One woman told Fr. Remus that she would remember our prayers for the rest of her life. That moved us all to tears. Even though there was a HUGE language barrier, God is bigger than that and worked like crazy that night.

So much changed in my heart during our time in Romania. I’m going through withdrawal right now, which is apparently pretty common in people after mission trips. I don’t really want to be here in Austria or back home in the States right now. All I want is to be serving the incredible people of Romania. In talking to people on both my mission and the other Romanian mission team, we all miss it a lot. I’m still trying to process all that went on during our time in Romania and I’m sure that will continue to happen for a while. I’m asking for prayers for my heart. Right now, it’s 2 countries away in Romania.

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2 months later, the people of Romania still have my heart. I miss it like crazy and want to go back more than anything in the world. I pray that God may one day allow me to return to Romania. 

Things Really Have Changed

I let my insecurities ruin something else in my life. Shocking, I know. It made me wonder if I'd really changed. Then, while on Tumblr last night, I stumbled upon someone's blog that had some extremely graphic pictures of people cutting and even some videos of people cutting. It was really disturbing. Then I realized that until March, I wouldn't have thought that. I would have gotten sucked in and then triggered and cut. Now, I'm just here thinking "Holy crap...that used to be me." Praise God for His healing touch and how much He changed His unworthy servant's life. Normally, with what happened yesterday, I would've turned to the blade, but I didn't. You know, now that I think of it, I don't think cutting even entered my mind when it all went down.

My deliverance in Austria makes me wonder how anyone can question the existence of God. Seriously...If there was no God, I would have been dead years ago and I sure wouldn't be 3 months clean with 1 slip up. God has done the most insane things in my life and I am so blessed.

"And He said to the woman, 'Your faith has saved you; go in peace'." -Luke 7:50

The Love of Christ

Yesterday, I drove to Steubenville (which is 4 hours from Cincinnati) to look at an apartment. First of all, I saw Fr. Rick and it made my life. He gives the best hugs of anyone I know :) Fr. Rick was SO happy to see me and I know he could just SEE the difference from when he last saw me like 6 months ago. I can't wait to tell him about my incredible semester in Austria. That's not what I'm blogging about though. This is about Christ.

My 4 hour drives are times I cherish because I get some serious prayer time in (as well as some praise and worship as well as singing at the top of my lungs to those songs you just have to do that to. Hahaha). Yesterday, I spent 8 hours driving to and back from Steubenville, so I had a lot of time. I recently found these videos on YouTube where this guy mixes songs with pastors' sermons. It's awesome. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE watch it and listen. All of his videos really make you think.



Some of my time yesterday was spent meditating on Christ's love. It BLOWS my mind that God knew who I was going to be and love me anyway. He knew I was going to be addicted to cutting, but Jesus Christ died on the Cross anyway. Yeah, Fr. Greg's told me that a million times. But, in the car, it finally hit me. The hugeness (I can't think of another word right now. Haha) of what He did finally sunk in. I really can't even put into words what I felt in the car. As a theology major and as someone who has experienced the power of His love, I know that God's love is beyond human understanding. But, in the car, I felt like maybe, even for just a minute, I began to understand it. God gave His Son so that YOU (yes, you, reading this right now) could be reunited with the Father. Christ payed the debt. No more slaves to sin, but we were made free!

I am so blessed. Seriously. I don't deserve a single thing that the Lord has done for me, but it's not about how good I am. It's about how good He is.

I ask for your prayers as I have finally stopped ignoring the fact that God may be calling me to religious life. There has been this nudge for the last 5 years and when we were in London one weekend during my semester abroad, my roommate Emily and I went to Adoration at a convent we stumbled across. I sat there with the sisters and thought "I could do this." Since then, it's been on my heart. Whatever God wants is what I want. All I want is for God to receive every single ounce of glory. I have begun serious discernment about what my vocation is. I still have absolutely no idea, but I'm praying about it.

"The love of God changes us. We're never the same after we encounter the love of God." -Kim Walker

"I know I won't forget finding God in Austria"

This song was written by a Franciscan almuni after he went to Austria. This song seriously is my exact Austria experience. I experienced God SO profoundly during my semester abroad. I got to go to Confession in St. Peter's Basilica in Vatican City and the Shrine of Divine Mercy in Krakow, Poland. I had an incredible life-changing experience during out weekend in Medjugorje. I received healing beyond belief and was baptized in the Holy Spirit and received the gift of tongues. I got to venerate one of Padre Pio's gloves, I got to touch the bars of the cell at Auschwitz where St. Max Kolbe was killed, I got to climb the stairs that Jesus climbed to meet Pilate, I got to see the Holy Father 7 times, I got to serve God's people for a week in Romania, I got to see one of the nails Christ was crucified with, I saw the incorrupt body of St. Lucy in Venice, I saw the sun spin in Medjugorje, I saw the miraculous image of our Lady of Czestochowa and was almost brought to tears, I went to Adoration in a convent in London. Those were some concrete ways I encountered God this past semester, but the absolutely incredible healing of my heart was what I'll always cherish the most about this semester. I really did find in God Austria.