Thinking About Stuff

I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. I talked to my friend Manuel for 2 hours last night and we talked about how I need to claim the grace that God has given me through the sacraments as well as daily life. Here's a big problem, since my grandma died 3 weeks ago, the Lord and I haven't been on exactly good terms. Both Fr. Rick and Fr. Brad have tried to help me, but I'm still kinda shut off from them. I don't want to ask them for help, you know? Fr. Rick came up to me in the student center on Monday and asked if I wanted to talk with him and wanted him to pray over me. I told him I was fine (which I sort of was) and that I'd let him know if I got to the point where I really needed him. I know he's sick of always hearing the same crap over and over out of my mouth. He's a human being and there's no way by now he couldn't be sick of it. But, whatever. I haven't been to daily Mass except with my household, which is a huge change from my usual daily life. I want to have a good relationship with the Lord, but me in my stubbornness, it can be hard.

I'm going to DC with my friends Erinn and Kevin tomorrow through Tuesday for fall break. I'm meeting up with Fr. Greg on Saturday and I'm really looking forward to it. I need some time with one of my favorite people ever. I've been really blessed to have him in my life. After we met for the first time, we didn't know if I'd ever get to see him again. Then, I transferred here and I've been able to see him 3 times since then. The opportunities have just kind of fallen into place for me to go to DC. Last year, it was to go on a retreat and then he came out here. Then, in June, Nick and I took a road trip to hang with our friends Josh and Jackie, who we hadn't seen since the December before, and I got to see him. Every time I meet up with Fr. Greg, I experience serious spiritual warfare after. My heart literally hurts. I get discouraged, etc. I've been praying for the last month that the Lord might fight for me harder than he ever has before. I know I'm a strong person, but the stuff that happens every time we meet up is some of the most intense warfare I experience.

I'm starting to get my shit back together. I haven't cut in 2 1/2 weeks, which is really good since Joe hasn't been here. Oh, yeah. That's something that'll be interesting. The scars on my left arm had faded, so when Fr. Greg saw me in June he was like, "Dude...I don't see any scars." First of all, I hadn't cut on my arms all summer, it was all on my legs. But, now, he gets to see the new ones on my arm. He always looks at my arms when he sees me. He doesn't know that I know he does, but I do. Of course he sees my arms when he prays over me because he anoints them while asking the Lord for healing. I'm looking forward to some hardcore prayer time with Fr. Greg and I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, the Lord will do something totally radical. Whatever He wants.

I'm really looking forward to spending time with Erinn, who's one of my closest friends. I'm so blessed to have her in my life. And her fiance, Kevin, is awesome too, so it's going to be a really good time. A much needed good time :)

Bad Experience

My normal counselor, Joe, had back surgery 2 weeks ago, so he obviously can't see me for a while. He should be back in about 3 more weeks. So, before he left, he talked to another one of the counselors here on campus to see if she'd talk with me while he was gone. After 2 weeks of her trying to contact me, I reluctantly agreed to go. Well, it didn't go well. I didn't want to go, so I was answering questions with one word answers. She asked me what I was going to do after graduation. I told her mission work in Romania. She looked at me like an idiot. That's when it started going downhill. Then she brought up the cutting, so I started to shut down. She tried to talk to me a little bit about it. Then she asked when the last time I did it was, I reluctantly answered and then she asked to see where I'd done it a few weeks ago. I didn't want to show her, so she asked again. I was EXTREMELY hesitant, but I showed her my arm. Then she started asking dumb questions about it. Did you draw blood? Well, yeah. That's kind of one of the reasons I do it. Plus, those scars are way to big for there to have been no blood. It only got worse. About 20 minutes into it, she asked if I would give her my blades. I said not yet, but in my head I thought, "You don't know anything about me. Hell no." She looked at me kinda surprised. That's when I completely shut off. The nasty physical feeling of wanting to cut began running through my arms and legs. In my head, I knew that when I got back to the house, I was going to cut (which I haven't and won't. I promised my friend Maggie that I wouldn't).

The only reason I initially agreed to see Joe was because in our first session, he promised to NEVER ask for my blades, ever. And in a few sessions, he's told me that if I was going to cut, at least be safe about it. I respect Joe a lot for that. When I get rid of my blades without actually being ready, it always ends up REALLY bad. Like, all out panic attack. Poor Fr. Rick has seen it 3 or 4 times. I start shaking, my heart races, I can't breathe, it's a mess. Joe knows that if I'm not ready (which, on 2 different occasions, I have given him my blades, but then eventually gone out to get more), things only get worse. He'd rather I take a step backwards instead of like 10, which is what happens if I'm not ready.

It just ticked me off. I'm not going back to counseling until Joe gets back. I know I can do this with the help of my friends and the Lord until Joe comes back. I'll be fine.

Mission Work in Romania

I can't believe this is happening. I've been talking to the guy in charge of mission work here on campus and yesterday, we decided that we are going to make my mission work in Romania happen. Kevin runs a non-profit organization for missionaries called Missions of Hope (http://bringhope.org/#/who-we-are/missionaries). Well, I've officially applied to be a part of his organization. I've been approved by Kevin and he's put me up on their website along with the name of my mission: Evanghelizare prin Iubire, which means "Evangelize Through Love" in Romanian.
This is my mission statement:
"Evanghelizare prin Iubire’s main mission is to reach the youth of Romania through catechesis as well as witnessing to the love of Christ in everyday life. The scar of Communism still remains on the hearts of the people and the mission wants to bring healing and hope to the youth, for they are the future of their country.  Pope Paul VI emphasized the importance of witnessing when he said, “Without repeating everything that we have already mentioned, it is appropriate first of all to emphasize the following point: for the Church, the first means of evangelization is the witness of an authentically Christian life, given over to God in a communion that nothing should destroy and at the same time given to one's neighbor with limitless zeal. As we said recently to a group of lay people, ‘Modern man listens more willingly to witnesses than to teachers, and if he does listen to teachers, it is because they are witnesses.’” –Evangelii Nuntiandi 41."


My mission statement has been sent to the board of directors of Missions of Hope and now I'm just waiting. The fact that I have been approved by Kevin is the answer to many, many prayers. For the last 6 months, I've prayed everyday that if it's the Lord's will for me to be a missionary in Romania, then let it be. Well, I'm one step closer to that. Once I get approval from the board, it's official. Then, I begin fundraising for my life as a missionary in Romania. I'm not sure at this point how long I'd stay. At this point, 6 months to a year is what it's looking like. But, like I've said, whatever God's will is. The only way this can happen is for God to move this all forward.


I've gotten a lot of opposition from people, including my family, but you know what? I'm doing what the Lord is calling me to do. I just want to restore hope to the people of Romania. I want to show them what Christ can do. Christ heals, Christ brings hope. Late last night, I had a heart-to-heart with my friend James. He knows about my past and he knows how broken of a person I am. He asked me why I get up in the morning. At first I said, "I don't know." Then, right away, I said, "No. You know what? It's those kids in Romania. It's those children who just need to be loved. It's the fact that for the first time in my entire life, I saw Christ within others." I had no idea that one child would change my life as radically as he did.


So, please pray that my mission gets approved by the board of directors and that I am able to fund raise enough to support myself in Romania. All I want to do is bring the love of Christ to these people and that's what I'm going to do. The people of Romania are why I can get myself out of bed every morning. They are the reason that I fight to survive every day.


Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam - All for the greater glory of God!

Shutting Down

Please, please just pray for my heart right now. Things are going downhill. I was a pall bearer at my grandma's funeral yesterday and I pray to God I never have to carry a casket again. It keeps just flashing through my head and it's screwing with my emotions.

My counselor is gone for a month. He wants me to see someone else while he's gone, but that's not happening. I'm beginning to emotionally shut down.

I know Fr. Rick and Fr. Brad are sick of me. I talked to Fr. Greg on the phone Friday night for the first time in 3 months and I can tell that he is too.

I'm beginning to isolate myself from everyone. It's only a matter of time until I become like a zombie. Just living, no emotions.

Oh, look. My life's going to hell again. Shocking.

A Beautiful Life Lost

I lost one of the most incredible women I've ever met in my entire life. I lost my grandma tonight. She was such a blessing to me.

When I was a junior and senior in high school, I began going to the grocery store every Sunday to buy her groceries and I was then blessed to get to spend time talking with her after. We'd talk about an hour and she'd tell me the best stories. She told me how she met my grandpa. She'd tell me about my dad when he was little. She'd tell me about how when I was still really little, my dad was always holding me and never seemed to put me down. She told me stories that made me really happy.

When I told her I wanted to be a theology major, she was one of my biggest supporters. She was so happy that I wanted to do youth ministry and share the love of God with others. She said I would be perfect to do that. When she had a stroke 2 years ago, I knew she'd never be the same. When I was still at Xavier, I'd go and visit her. Even though her short term memory was pretty much shot, she'd still tell me stories from when my dad, aunts, and uncles were younger. It made me so happy to see how much joy those stories brought to her.

I visited her twice after returning from my semester abroad in Austria before I had to come back to Steubenville for summer classes. I told her some of my stories from my 4 months in Europe and I told her that because of my time in Romania, I wanted to go back to Romania and do mission work. I've never seen her look happier. She probably didn't remember me telling her that, but to know that just for a moment she supported me in that, made me even more excited about it.

I will miss her greatly. She's the woman I got my name, my attitude, and my fighting spirit from.

Thanks, Grandma, for being such a beautiful example in my life. I love you and will always miss you.

Brokenness

I'm not going to lie...I'm getting really tired of being broken all the time. I know that as human beings, to some degree we're all broken, but I feel SO broken. Like, I can't really even explain it. Right now, with everything going on in my life right now, I kind of just want to curl up in a ball and just stay there. Right now, nothing's going right in my life and that's one of the shittiest feelings ever. School's kicking my butt, my grandmother is extremely ill and actually not expected to live to see the morning, and my depression is worse than it's been in a while. It's hard. I have to remember that feeling like this is physiological and not really my fault. It's hard sometimes to remember that. I feel like it is my fault. But it's not. I just have to keep telling myself that.

It's times like this that remind me of the conversation I had with Fr. Greg right before Christmas last year. For me, it was our most memorable conversation. He told me that he was amazed that I kept fighting for my life the way that I did. He said he was amazed that I hadn't given up on God. Right now is one of those times that I'm really tempted to give up on Him. I know I won't because He's the only thing that's ever remained constant in my life the last 5 1/2 years since my conversion, but still. The temptation is there. But, I know that if I do that, my life will go downhill and it'll only just be really bad.

I just don't really know what's going on with me right now. It's not like I want to kill myself. Trust me. I just want to take a break from life. I just can't handle all this crap right now. For the last 2 days, I've had to keep myself together when all I've wanted to do was cry. I've started shutting myself off to people, including my friends. Last night, I was actually up until 2:30am just crying. That was the first time I've ever cried myself to sleep. I said some completely genuine prayers to the Blessed Mother last night. I just begged and begged her to come and help me, for her to wrap me in her mantle and protect and comfort me like a mom does. Well, she came through for me like she always does.

Just pray for me and my heart. I'm hurting right now...a lot. I know I have many people in my life who are helping me be strong, like my friends Erinn and Maggie and my incredibly amazing roommate, Emily.
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I found this on the internet tonight. I know it wasn't by chance:

But maybe that’s the thing. Maybe we actually need to be broken down in order to realize our human weakness. Maybe we need to be broken down in order to realize that we can’t go through our trials alone, and that we will need Jesus along for the journey.

He speaks to us in our brokenness. He loves us in our brokenness, and invites us to take comfort in His warm embrace.

And in our brokenness, we somehow find the humility and the strength to run back to our Father and ask Him to heal and renew us.

It is in that brokenness that we discover His true, infinite, unconditional love for us.

It is in that brokenness that we acknowledge that we are His.

There are times when I feel weak. Discouraged. Disheartened. Alone.

But then I run to Him.

I realize the joy that comes from being broken.

—	Dei Gratia

Battle Scars

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” -Kahil Gibran